Posts Tagged ‘WTMFI Wednesdays’

So I’ve spent alot of time in front of my computer the last couple of days, creating away like a busy little bee. Blogger has now added pages, which was the entire reason I switched from Blogger to WordPress.

Well, in the last post that I wrote on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition, I asked what people would think of an erotica meme outside of WTMFI Wednesdays. No feedback has been received as of yet, but I remembered that a long time ago I had created a blog for pretty much the same reason on Blogger.

So I traveled on over to Blogger and began working hard on the newest edition to The Rantings Network, The Erotica of a Tortured Mind. As I was searching through templates featured on btemplates.com, I found this cool visiting card template.

By clicking this link, you are taking to a page where you can learn all about me, check out all the social networking sites I’m on, and get my contact information. So, while it’s offsite, I’ve managed to finally create an about page that I can be proud of 😉

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So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”.  I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

You know what else is annoying about WordPress? How many freaking spam comments I get. This blog has only been actively going for a month, and I’ve already got 68 spam comments!!!! That’s ridiculous.

Today was an incredibly long day. Mostly a good day, but incredibly long. I got to sleep in a bit this morning, which was really wonderful. The Boyfriend stayed up super late, only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep before work, but it was nice spending almost all day together.

Alfie’s Step-Mom, American, came over today. It was a pretty good visit, good conversation. The only part that yanked my chain a bit (yanked The Boyfriend’s a whole lot more) was when she asked how Alfie got along with Carter. I said “Fine, he basically ignores him”, and she goes and says that she plans to have Carter come along to Christmas’ and other holidays with the kids. While a part of me thinks it’s sweet, a bigger part of me thinks it’s damn wrong.

No way in hell is Alfie taking mine and The Boyfriend’s son over there! Alfie doesn’t want Kaeidyn, Kenzie or Keirnan having anything to do with The Boyfriend’s family, Carter doesn’t need to have anything to do with Alfie’s family. I just nodded and smiled, not wanting to start anything. The Boyfriend was not impressed and after the visit told me that it wasn’t going to happen, ever. I agreed with him completely.

Alfie was “entertaining” a girl this weekend, and yesterday didn’t call the kids. Then today tried to lie and say he was with his Dad all day and that’s why he didn’t come over until dinner time, though I already knew he wasn’t with his Dad because American had told me that they weren’t together. I hate how the kids’ go on the back burner because there’s a chance Alfie could get laid. I wish that he could get his priorities straight. And it better not become a regular thing. This time, I’m letting it go. Next time, I won’t.

I’m not looking forward to much of this week at all. Tomorrow, I’m taking Keirnan to the walk-in clinic to get antibiotics for his teeth. Luckily he does really good with doctors and doesn’t mind when they poke and prod him. I, unfortunately, don’t do so well. Especially with the teeth thing. I always think doctors and dentists are judging my parenting abilities based on the condition of his teeth.

Then on Tuesday, even though YAY it’s The Boyfriend’s day off, sadly I have to go see a Child Support Worker to update all our information. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I always said to Alfie, I never wanted his money, I just wanted him there for the kids. Then when we broke up, I went on Income Support (welfare), and we had to go see a child support worker. At that time, Alfie and I weren’t speaking to each other, and I wasn’t getting any child support from him. Since I was on IS, I had to be receiving child support from him.

When his court date came around, he claimed that he had never been served papers, and so he never showed for the court date. So they sent the file off to the Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, and now he’s been getting charged for that. And the only time he paid it was when he was on EI (Employment Insurance), and that was only because it was automatically deducted from his check. So now we have to go back in, add Keirnan to his support, and then let them know that The Boyfriend is paying me support and doesn’t need to go through FMEP. I can’t wait for Wednesday, when all this crap will be over.

I found my camera today!! YAY!!! So hopefully in the next couple of days, I’ll have some pictures up. Tomorrow is officially my last NaBloPoMo day. Thinking about doing it again in February, but I’m not guaranteeing anything. Especially being that the official start day for The XXX Rated Rantings is February 3rd. The first WTMFI Wednesdays is already written out and scheduled to go! I’m so excited, I think it could end up being really good. I know I’ve enjoyed coming up with the questions, and I’m more than curious to see everyone’s answers.

Today was a really good day with The Boyfriend. He got to sleep in this morning, which I thought for sure would make me mad, which normally does. But he woke up when I made some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. And while I was on the computer for almost the whole day, I felt like we were really close today.

I’ve been working ridiculously hard on getting WTMFI Wednesdays up on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’ve gotten a month worth of Wednesday posts up and ready to go, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have about 100 questions sitting around waiting to be used.

It was especially exciting because The Boyfriend not only helped massively with coming up with a bunch of questions, but he seemed excited at the idea of becoming part of my Wednesday posts when I told him it would be cool if he did. He was down for answering the questions, so hopefully I’ll be adding that before the first official post on February 3rd, 2010.

So, Kaeidyn had a dentist come to her school today, so all we heard about was her teeth today. Songs, instructions, everything teeth. Tomorrow we’re going to a speech therapy workshop with her, so that should be fun. I’m finally gonna get to see what Kaeidyn does when she goes to her speech therapy, and that’s exciting for me.

Right now, she just brings home papers and they have instructions. I don’t actually know if I’m doing it right, but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. We had KFC for dinner tonight, and sat down and watched “Horton Hears a Who”. Kaeidyn was the only one who stayed awake during all of it.

I played Wii for a good long time today. I finally found two games on the Wii Sports Resort that I can play sitting down. So I spent almost all afternoon Skydiving and flying over the island. I unlocked a whole bunch of stuff, and got my Wii Fitness Age down to 37!!! Only 14 more years to go!

Carter has a massive cold. Runny nose, congestion, the coughs. I seriously hate when my kids are sick. I feel so helpless all the time. It doesn’t help that he’s teething right now too, so his teeth are hurting and he’s got boogers sticking out his nose, and he keeps coughing up junk. All the kids start getting sick right as the weather’s about to change. It literally runs a circle, starting with Keirnan. Then it goes on down to Carter, then Kenzie, then Kaeidyn. Then I get hit with a really vicious, intense cold and then Cahlen gets a stuffed up nose, and then we’re good until the weather changes again. And it doesn’t matter what season it is.

I’ve almost completed the NaBloPoMo challenge!! Aren’t you proud of me?