Posts Tagged ‘Talk’

Today has been a day to say the least, and I almost gave The  Boyfriend a heart attack, which is either kind of funny, or really sad 😉

So this morning, The Boyfriend brought home a new entertainment stand that we’ve been eyeing for about a month now. He stayed up almost all day getting it set up, and boy does it look pretty. The good thing about it, is it’s going to clear up the 3 small movie shelves we’ve got, and the TV no longer sits on an un-sturdy, old casino table that I got almost 5 years ago from Wal-Mart.

After he was all done building the thing, I asked if we could go to Wal-Mart to pick up formula for Carter. He’s showing alot of interest in solids, but the second he’s given them, he just spits it all out. The only thing he seems to enjoy at all is mashed potatoes, but I don’t want to give him too much of that. I’ve never had to go through the “transition”. The only kid other than Carter that I got to breastfeed for any length of time was Kenzie, and he was so hungry that it didn’t matter what it tasted like.

He doesn’t like the formula, at all! He chews on the nipple and the second the formula gets in his mouth, he makes a face then starts wailing. He’ll hold the formula that is in his mouth in there, until he starts making a choking type noise and then swallows. Then when you try to put the  bottle back in his mouth, he just shakes his head back and forth. So I’m gonna keep trying, and then I’ll breastfeed him. As long as he’s getting a little bit, it’s more than what he’s getting from me.

So we ended up replacing the office chair that we’ve had at the computer desk, because the screws were starting to tear through the padding (so the chair became extremely uncomfortable to sit on). I built the chair with the kids, and it’s so comfy. It’ll be perfect for the kids on the computer too, because it lifts up and down.

It was nice to be able to get to spend some time alone with The Boyfriend today. My cousin came by and watched all the kids (by herself!), so we could run to Wal-Mart. I got more make-up stuff, and now my make-up kit is almost full. Just need some liquid eyeliner and once I get my eyebrows shaped and learn how, an eyebrow pencil and I’ve got everything I want/need. We finally got Star Trek (the newer movie), which we’ve been talking about getting since it came out.

Kaeidyn’s got a birthday party tomorrow, and she insisted we get her friend Barbies. So we got some cheap princess barbie dolls, and a little princess set with shoes for her. Kaeidyn gets to go bowling for the first time ever tomorrow. It should be very interesting.

So you’re probably curious how I gave The Boyfriend a heart attack earlier today, eh? I teased that I thought I was pregnant again. These last couple of days, I seem to be pretty emotional. Which, prior to The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, wouldn’t be cause for concern. That’s pretty much how you could’ve described me, without being mean. Since being with The Boyfriend, it’s taken alot to make me cry, unless I’m pregnant (which has only happened once, so it’s not like there’s alot of evidence behind it ;))

A couple days back, when Goober first landed in the hospital, they wouldn’t let me talk to him, wouldn’t even tell me he was there. So I called his ER doctor (after hours), and tried my hardest to keep it together, but I was pretty upset. So by the end of the message I left, I was sobbing like a little girl. So much so, that when the secretary returned the message, she left the number and said “It sounds like you were a little upset, and I had problems understanding everything you said, so please return our call at…”

Then today, I had to pay back an old buddy of mine, who I know through Alfie. I’ve known him for many many years, and I’ve seen him treat previous girlfriends pretty crappily, and they normally treat him the same. Today, I saw something that not only brought back a thousand memories, but that cut me to the bone!

I’m sitting on his couch, and his girlfriend comes out of their room. She goes to the fridge and grabs a beer. Puts it down on the coffee table and asks for a lighter so she can go out for a smoke. All of a sudden, my (ex) buddy starts yelling at her that she’s stupid and retarded and when she’s outside having her smoke she might as well just jump off the balcony. My jaw dropped open and my eyes welled up.

I walked out of the building and immediately burst in to tears. And it kept running through my head that that was the most terrible and uncomfortable thing I had ever been through. Then I remembered that, that used to be my life. The only difference is, unlike the girlfriend, I would’ve walked up and slapped him in the face and then I would’ve ran like hell, trying to avoid the return hit.

I came home and told The Boyfriend and I just kept saying that I felt so bad for this girl. And he kept looking at me, his eyebrow cocked like he always does. Realizing what he was getting at, I just said, “I can’t believe I went through alot of the same stuff for almost six years!”, and then I just kept saying it.

See, while Alfie and I fought, pretty much all the time and while Alfie was a prick to me (in a way, not buddies way…), he never once called me stupid or retarded in front of his friends. He never once told me to kill or hurt myself, instead he saved me from hurting myself twice – even if one of those times was purely out of annoyance.

Before The Boyfriend, I didn’t mind fighting at all. I used to start arguments with people, just for the sake of starting an argument.  After spending the last year and a half, with virtually no arguing whatsoever, it just completely overwhelmed me. And that’s how the worst parts of the crap that I went through started, and right before my eyes flashed this poor girl’s future, if she chose to stay with buddy.

It starts with arguing, then it turns into name calling and put downs, and then it escalates into physical harm. Hands, stairwells and keyboards have all taught me that. And it just gets such control over you. Logically, in my head, I knew way before it got physical that I should leave. Do you think I could?

Do you think once it got physical, I left? Nope. And it almost sickens me to think that I used to almost egg it on, and after Alfie and I split ways and that physicalness was gone (a few months after we split ways), I almost missed it and craved it.

The upside to the whole situation, if there even is one, is that it really made me aware of how wonderful The Boyfriend is. More than once, I’ve given him good reason to yell and scream at me – and I mean that literally. And somehow, he has been able to calm himself to the point where we can just talk about it. Even though a few times, he’s kind of hit below the belt (without meaning to) verbally, we talk. We don’t yell, we don’t hit, we don’t call each other names.

I came home from buddies place, and wrapped my arms so tight around The Boyfriend just kissing and hugging him. I am honestly so lucky to have him. Even though some of the shit he does ticks me off sometimes, I wouldn’t trade him for all the world. The whole experience just made me appreciate my relationship so much more, so much more.

Well, I have some other adult-type writing to do now. So, I hope your night finds you in good health and great comfort.

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This morning, I woke up and got ready to take Kaeidyn to school.  I had completely forgotten that it was St. Patrick’s Day and that she was supposed to wear green to school today. Fortunately, I had made her wear her camo pants today (which she claims are boy pants, but I don’t care, because she looks adorable in them ;)), which had green in them.

So then I walk her into her classroom, like I do every Wednesday (the only day of the week that I’m in charge of taking her to and from school), and all the shoes on the indoor shoe shelf have all been moved to different spots, which just confused the heck out of her. Then she walked further into her class.

Well apparently, a leprechaun came into the room and trashed it. Markers were flung across the room, chairs at the tables were flipped upside down. This, of course, made Kaeidyn incredibly excited. For the rest of the day, when anything moved from one position to another, it was because of the leprechaun.

It was a gorgeous day here today. Warm enough that I comfortably went outside with a sweater, which is saying alot, being that I’m normally the one whose always cold, even when everyone else is complaining they’re hot. I’ve been going through summer withdrawal mighty hard after the awesome summer we had last year, so immediately I had an urge to go for a walk.

For the first time, in what’s felt like forever, Kaeidyn, Kenzie, Keirnan, Carter, The Boyfriend and I all went to the part. It’s been along time since we’ve been able to leave the house, all at one time, all together (Man, I hope we get a bigger vehicle really soon!). We all went over to Kaeidyn’s school to play at the park, which we’ve been promising her we were going to do forever.

We didn’t stay too long, because the wind picked up about 15 minutes after we left the house, and Carter was only in the Snugli, so it was pretty chilly for him after awhile. I was surprised at how easily all the kids were to get off the park. I told them, “One more time down the slide”, so they each took their turn, and we walked home.

Kaeidyn noticed a messy yard, and tried convincing us all the way home that it was the leprechauns. Then when we got home, the kids got to play outside for quite awhile. Keirnan was the first to come in, complaining of cold hands. I guess that’s what he gets for  playing in the puddles. Kenzie was the next one in. I think he just wanted to take his pants off.

We had him doing so good, wearing underwear or pants. Now though, it’s almost impossible. He’s also constantly grabbing at himself, like it’s a newly discovered toy. I don’t want to scare him away from touching himself, so we tell him to go downstairs to his bedroom or the bathroom to play with himself, because that’s just what you do. He’ll normally get upset when he’s told this, and I’m not sure why.

Kaeidyn stayed outside the longest, because she’s met a couple kids on the street that she likes. I’m personally, not fond of many of the kids on our street. We had the cops come to talk to all the kids that were out on the street, not paying attention to oncoming cars. Today, some little kid was swinging a stick around in the middle of the street trying to smash snow piles, and a van came up behind him and was waiting forever, even after honking, for him to move out of the street. And a bunch of the kids are like that.

I’ve had the kids from this street dig holes in my yard, draw on my house, and throw pine cones at the car. And frankly, I’m getting quite sick of it. The good thing though, is that my kids know to stay in the yard. They get one warning after stepping one foot off the sidewalk in front of the house.

Keirnan was talking up a storm today on our walk, asking questions, telling us what he was doing. He saw a school bus and started yelling out bus clear as day. As a mom, I’m always wanting my kids to grow up and become independent. With Keirnan, I’m always like, “I wish he would hurry up and talk already”, with Carter, “I can’t wait until he starts crawling”. Kaeidyn is was walking and Kenzie it was talking to (because he had the annoying “eh, eh” thing that Keirnan’s just starting to get out of). Then it happens, and I’m all like, “Oh, my babies are growing up so fast. Why can’t they just be babies again?” I guess it’s just another one of those vicious circles.

I’ve spent the last two days pretty much curled up on the couch watching TV, because I’ve been in an incredible amount of pain. The pharmacist warned me that the pills I’m on could cause me to have some stomach upset. The last two days, all my stomach upset has been right underneath of my ribs, much like the pain I had when I passed gallstones (or at least, that’s the best the doctor’s could figure), just much milder. Then, to top that all off, my knees, back and neck are all hurting as bad as they did when I was pregnant with Carter. I wanna blame it on the meds…

Well, Carter’s awake, so I better go and feed him. I think I caught up on everything I had planned to 😉

I feel quite bad. I’ve been inspired by a template on another blog, and have written quality content on another blog, and have essentially neglected this blog. Please forgive me.

These last few days have felt like they’ve dragged on forever. And daylight savings time sure isn’t helping. The sun shining brighter today, and longer, has me thinking it’s two hours earlier than it currently is…

Today has been one of those days, where I’ve run the gamut of emotions. From worried to relieved, happy to mad, and everywhere in between. I woke up early this morning, and The Boyfriend had coffee ready for me. My temples were pulsing, and the corner of my eye felt as if it were going to explode at any moment.

I took my anti-inflammatory, and rubbed the topical ointment on my aching knees and neck. I hopped on the computer, and typed through the forming of a migraine. Took some tylenol and finished another part to what seems to be the story that never ends!

The phone rang. I picked up the phone and a very professional voice asked for me. I’m thinking, “It’s Sunday, they don’t work on Sundays. What the heck is this?!?!?”, as I’m told Goober is in the emergency room. Don’t worry, I already did that. He’s not hurt and he’s not in trouble, though it looks like he’s finally going to get some help, whether he likes it or not.

After calling the family to let them know, it seemed like my phone rung off the hook for the rest of the day, even though that’s probably a mass over-exaggeration. I sure felt like I was pushing the green talk button every time my fingers left the keyboard.

I’m hoping to be able to go up and see him tomorrow, and take him some smokes since he’s probably nicking hard right now. Hopefully, he’s just sleeping. That’s what I did.

The kids seem to be stepping over lines left and right, the more the stress levels grow in the house. Kaeidyn’s attitude is beginning to take control of her, and I see more of myself in her with each passing day. She’s taken to hitting, and cries like she’s the victim when she hurts her brothers. While she becomes meaner to Kenzie and Keirnan, she insists on taking care of Carter.

From listening to the adults play games together, Kenzie began saying, “I’m going to kick your ass!” today. Every single time he’d say it, Kaeidyn would scream out, “Kenzie’s saying a bad word!”, and again I was forced to remind myself to stop saying bad words so much.

Keirnan’s been racing around the house, whining whenever anything stands in his way. He’s starting to get another cold, which couldn’t have come at a worst time, as he has a dentist appointment on the 22nd.

Carter is becoming louder and louder with each passing day. His cries penetrate the deepest parts of your ear, and mumbles of “mamamama” are a normal part of his daily tantrum. I was on the floor tickling him today and discovered, the harder he laughs, the less he smiles. I begin tickling him and he’s got a huge smile on his face. He starts laughing, and the smile fades until he’s almost completely straight faced.

I have spent the last two days, uncomfortably sitting in front of my computer monitor, hashing out blog posts like the end of the world was coming. It’s been fun, and I feel every creative juice in my bones flowing freely. This time of year does that to me. When the sun starts to shine, and the trees start looking alive again. Snow begins to melt and I no longer have to wear nine sweaters and two jackets just to walk to the car!

It’s time like these that I miss my beautiful guitar, my muse. I feel like now would be a perfect time to sing and play. Alas, she sits broken behind the DVD shelf. Oh well, someday…

Well I think I’ve pretty much summed up my day, and here’s to another one tomorrow 😉

Today was an incredibly boring day. After getting to sleep in a little late, The Boyfriend realized he still had the keys from work. So he ended up having to take a cab up to the south end. Before leaving he was all like “If they have them, do you want me to pick up a Wii?”. Hells yes I did. Well then they didn’t have them.

The Boyfriend bought the kids a new movie and Super Troopers (which I’ve never had an interest to see, but he insisted that I’d think it was hilarious. I didn’t…), but didn’t come back with any other treats than beef jerky for me. So of course, I had to give him a hard time. I go “You didn’t get me anything?” and he felt all bad and was like “I looked and couldn’t find anything you’d want.” He’s partially right. All the things that I want, that aren’t a Wii or a car, are things that I don’t want enough to get right now.

But of course, I had to be right, and The Boyfriend was all like “I didn’t know what you’d want”, I had to be like “I’ve told you a ton of things that I wanted”, he says “Like what?”, so naturally I started thinking of things. Materials for my home management notebook for one. Though I automatically hated this idea, because it’s just a big fat reminder that I haven’t done anything more with the whole idea.

So I spent the better majority of the morning-afternoon, being bored and thinking about how much I wish I could’ve been playing a Wii. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. Patience is a virtue. Blah blah blah…

Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan went to American’s and English’s tonight with Alfie, and The Boyfriend was sleeping, so Carter and I hung out on the couch for a few hours tonight. He barely slept at all the entire time, and was mostly in a good mood. He was very talkative. And I would talk back, and use my real laugh instead of my fake laugh when he would smile really big.

The Boyfriend woke up around nine, and Carter was awake and talkative, and started experimenting with his laugh. He’s coo, and then he’d get kind of loud. Then he’d hold his breath and let out with this puff of coo. He kept doing it over and over, like he was practicing laughing. It’s amazing how fast he’s growing up.

An acquaintance of mine, a great friend of Alfie’s, came over today. He hadn’t seen Carter since he was born. Right away, he commented on how huge Carter’s gotten. All the other kids took awhile to “grow up”. They were all premature and had no desire to be older than their age.

Kaeidyn, born 4 weeks premature, started rolling over and crawling around 5 months. She started walking at 9 1/2 months. Kenzie, who was technically born full term, 2 weeks before my due date, was about the same as Kaeidyn. He started walking later, closer to a year for him. Keirnan, born 7 weeks premature, started rolling over and crawling around 6 months and walking around 10 or 11 months. Carter is rolling over and crawling at 3 months (started at 2…)! He’s also teething alot sooner than the other three. They all started about the same time they started crawling.

Does anyone else seriously miss their babies being babies? I never experienced this with any of the other kids. But every time I look at Carter, I just keep thinking about my babies when they were babies, or more babies than what they are now.

If I could go back and re-do it all, I would in a heartbeat. I’d love to experience the whole trauma with Kaeidyn’s birth and the months that followed again, except for I’d like to deal with alot of the things that happened during that time differently. I’d kill to have my pre-Kenzie body back and the energy that I felt after having him. I’d go back to when Keirnan was in the hospital, and I’d spend more time with him, nurturing and caring for him.

I wasn’t present for the other kids like I am with Carter. Life was so hectic and crazy during those times. I almost feel bad when I give Carter all this love and attention that he gets, when the other kids didn’t get that when they were that age. With Kaeidyn, I went through a horrible bout of postpartum depression, plus I had had the infected c-section incision that lasted close to the first month she was home. I didn’t hold her as often as I could’ve, I didn’t play with her as much as I should’ve, I didn’t say “I love you” to her every single day. I regret that…

With Kenzie, I was caught up in boys and my version of partying (which trust me, is probably nothing in comparison to most people’s version of partying). He got alot more than Kaeidyn did, as I had spent two very serious weeks in a mental institution at the beginning of the pregnancy, and had much more control over alot of my emotions. Him and I bonded right from the second he was born, though as he got older, we’ve just kind of drifted apart. He’s too into his games right now (seriously thinking about putting a stop to the whole gaming thing for him for awhile), and I’m just not that into games.

Keirnan was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and I was living in a hotel with the two other kids. Mama T worked full-time, Alfie was out of town and I had no one else to rely on to watch the older kids daily so I could go visit Keirnan. I would go up about every three days, sometimes more. In the first week, it wasn’t that bad. I was only allowed to hold him for 15 minutes a day, I was pumping at home and bringing in bottles of breast milk.

When people started visiting him in the hospital, I would always say “He looks like he’s dead”. He’d be laying there, covered in cords, under his cloth sunglasses (he was under lamps because of his jaundice, which he went in and out of having the whole time he was in the hospital), just barely breathing. I’d reach in and touch him through the holes and he never flinched, never moved. Just laid there.

About 3 weeks in, I cried and cried, for the first time. I hate that I didn’t see him more, and that I didn’t cherish that first month more. I hate that I couldn’t hold him more. Now as he gets older, I wish I had more patience. He’s in that stage of learning to talk, yet having no idea how. He squeals and grunts and points. With Kaeidyn, she picked up on the talking really quickly. As long as she was told to slow down, she could get what she wanted across. Kenzie, I hardly remember what it was like when he started talking. It seemed like one day he couldn’t and the next day he could. Keirnan is just not picking it up at all, and he doesn’t slow down. I’m finding that I don’t do so well during this stage.

I’m glad that I have at least another 10+ years to make up for all the mistakes I made with my kids. At least I have  the rest of my life to tell all the kids “I love you” everyday. And thankfully, even with all the mistakes I made, all my kids are healthy, happy and to me, their amazing. And even though I miss when they were babies, I can’t wait to see what their going to be like when they’re older.

Kaeidyn will most likely have a rotten attitude, just like her mother. I have a feeling that I’m going to go through alot of the same things my Mom went through with me with that girl. Kenzie, if he sticks with this gamer thing, will most likely be tied up in his bedroom, playing games and designing graphics. I could totally see him being a whiny emo kid (oh wait, he already is ;)). With Keirnan, it’s really too soon to tell. He’ll most likely be like Alfie was growing up, except Keirnan will do it better. For every bit of devilish destruction that Alfie participated in, Keirnan will destroy twice as much. Alfie was/is a wannabe ladies man, Keirnan will be a ladies man. I’m hoping one of them will be super musical, maybe it’ll be Carter.

Well I had planned for this to only be a short post, but looks like that plan didn’t turn out as planned 😉 More again tomorrow, only a week and a day left before I’ve officially completed NaBloPoMo!! YAY!!

I was quite suprised this morning, when The Boyfriend came in half an hour earlier and almost completely silent. Most mornings, you can hear him come in the front door and close it behind him, and you can hear the plastic bags rustling past the railing as he rushes to put everything away before the kids wake up. Normally, this doesn’t work.

This morning was different. Instead of coming through the front door, he climbed through the balcony window. Why, you may be wondering. Well every once and awhile, I go through this sketchiness at night. Sometimes it’s bad and I can’t sleep. My solution is to lock everything up and leave lights on all over the place. So last night, I was going through some extreme sketchiness.

When my heat comes on in the house, it sounds like someone is walking around upstairs. So I kept thinking someone was in the house, walking around. Then I watched alot of news yesterday, and Haiti was all over the place. I was laying in bed, sketching out about burglars and people coming in to set fires, and next thing I know, I’m sketching out about natural disasters. That’s when I locked the door.

The Boyfriend comes in this morning, all silent like, and when he came in to say hello, I was like “How did you get in here? I had the door locked” and he told me about jumping up through the balcony window. I told him I was sketching about natural disasters, and he was like “How is locking the door going to save you from a natural disaster?” And I explained to him, very sincerely, that at least with my door locked, I could rest assure that even if there was a crazy natural disaster at least a burglar wouldn’t be able to enter through my front door or balcony door to rummage through my scattered remains. Darn me for being so morbid 😉

Then he gave me some really good news. He got to take today off. That was insanely good news, and even though he’s been exhausted ever since noon, he’s done a really good job staying awake. Even when I went for an hour long bath (even though most of that was spent outside of the bath, braiding my hair into small braids, which is incredibly hard to do by yourself).

We’ve had a bunch of cute moments with the kids today. Kaeidyn picked a bedtime movie last night and she chose “Learn how to belly dance”, a movie I had picked up for $5 at Wal-Mart. It doesn’t really teach you much, it’s mostly just watching other people perform, but she comes upstairs and sure enough she’s picked up a few moves. She’s almost got a figure eight figured out, and I think a hip drop, but I’m not 100% sure. I get distracted by her attempts to do snake arms, and don’t pay attention to what she’s doing with her body.

Then, Keirnan starts singing Spider Man today, so I went and downloaded Spider Man by The Ramones. My little punk rocker was singing and dancing along, it was such a proud moment for me. Kenzie was sick today, so he slept for the most part. Carter was so talkative. That’s one thing that I love about The Boyfriend being awake during the daytime. For some reason, Carter sees his Daddy, and he just starts cooing away, and it’s always happy stories. I can get him to tell me sad stories, where he’s half crying through all the cooing. The Boyfriend gets smiles and these adorable little faces that just melt your heart.

I started folding the heaping mound of laundry that was on the bed that never gets used in the room that never gets used. My landlord is coming over on Tuesday to do with a walk-through with someone for their mortgage, so I have to make it look like I kind of clean the house. I wouldn’t be so worried if it were the landlord(s) I had when I first moved in here, or even if it was the landlady that just resigned from her position. This is a new landlord, one I haven’t even paid rent to yet. It’ll be the first time he’s in my house, and that makes me incredibly nervous. So the next couple of days will be full of cleaning.

Well The Boyfriend is officially done his shower, and I have a baby to feed, so it’s off to bed for me.