Posts Tagged ‘Sleeping’

So as I told you yesterday, I’ve been hard at work on website stuff. It’s prompted a hail of, “You should do that!”, from both The Boyfriend and Alfie. I’ve thought about it in the past, and I always put it more in the hobby than the career category. But I’m starting to get mighty interested in the idea of it.

One of Alfie’s friends is currently taking a course on web design or something at the college, so Alfie says he’s gonna get me the information and then maybe it’s something to think more seriously about.

By the end of April, The Boyfriend will be down to part-time, working no more than four days a week. It’s gonna be nice to have him around more! I’m nervous about how it’s going to work out financially, but he assures me that if it starts aching, he’ll take up another part-time job. And I’m hoping that soon I’ll be able to go back to work, or maybe this web design thing will magically happen.

Carter is officially pulling himself up on things. When we put him on the couch, he pulls himself up from kneeling to standing with the arm. When he’s on the floor, he’ll try to crawl up your leg. And his most favourite thing is to stand using his bouncy chair as support. It’s odd, he likes to stand outside of it way more than he likes sitting in it.

I wish that he’d start taking formula so bad. Everyone keeps saying that I should just not breastfeed him, and he’ll eventually get hungry enough that he’ll take the formula. On one hand, I think it’s incredibly mean and heartless, and on the other hand it seems kind of logical.

Not only that, have you ever seen Carter take a fit? Seriously, he’s only 6 months old and he throws extreme temper tantrums. I don’t even wanna think about what it’s gonna be like when he’s 2! When I do hold off on breastfeeding, he lays there giving you this look like, “Why are you ignoring me? Don’t you love me at all”. His new thing, if he’s on the carpet, is putting his head on the carpet and then pushing as hard as he can with his toes, to the point where he gets rug burn!  And his cry…

Him and Keirnan must be competing for World’s Loudest Most Irritating Cry. The worst is when they cry, or should I say wail, at the same time. After it gets quiet, you literally feel like you’ve just left a huge rock show where you were seated right next to the speaker. Your temples are pounding, you can’t hear anything.

Today was so cute. Kenzie and Keirnan were being horrible around 5, jumping on the furniture, hitting, and screaming – all things they know they’re not supposed to do, but choose to test the limits of every single day! So I get mad and send them down to their room. About ten minutes go by, when I realize it’s ridiculously quiet downstairs. I tell Kaeidyn to sneak down and check, she does so and quietly comes upstairs, “The boys are sleeping!” Sure enough, they had tucked themselves all nicely into bed, and were both fast asleep.

They got woken up for dinner, and Keirnan was not happy at all about. He cried for almost ten minutes, until he realized his dinner was on the table. Kenzie started off grumpy (as he usually does whenever he’s woken up), but then he came and sat on my lap and I gave him a bunch of kisses and forced him to tell me he loved me, and then he was all smiles.

Found out today that none of the kids like fettucine alfredo. I don’t even think they really tried it. Lasagna, they love. First time in a long time I’ve seen the kids finish off the entire amount of a certain type of food they were given (that wasn’t broccoli or bananas). But left on everyone’s plate was the full amount of fettucine alfredo. So I guess only Mommy and Daddy get that pasta 😉

I keep telling myself to create a cleaning to do list, so that I’ll have visual motivator to get some cleaning done around here. And I want to create it on the computer, so that I can add checkboxes and feel all accomplished as I tick each one off. But when I’m on the computer, I become the addicted Rantings Network fiend, and forget entirely that I have cleaning responsibilities.

Ah well, I’ll get to it eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later. So what do you think of the formula issue?

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It was a really good day today. After sleeping in until 11 AM (which is a rarity), Alfie and I went to Kaeidyn’s parent/teacher conference. I am happy to report that she is doing magnificently and has improved in every single area. She’s been in speech therapy for awhile now, working on her “sh” sounds, plurals and s-blend words. We’ve been working with her at home, they’ve been working at school and she also practices alot on her own. So she’s at an 80% accuracy for all her speech now, which is a mass improvement from 3 months ago.

They do a variety of tests, comparing from one time to another. Three months ago, she couldn’t rhyme, she could hardly recognize numbers or letters and she couldn’t spell anything but her name. Today, we find out she’s rhyming with ease, she recognizes 20 letters and every number up to eleven without difficulty (after that, she gets a little jumbled). She even knows how to recognize and spell five different words!!! Needless to say, I’m a very proud mommy!!

Then after we got back from that, we decided we were going to walk over to McDonald’s (since Mom took the car back…). It was a pretty nice day, if you take away the wind. But a hoodie, a jacket and a puffy vest was all I needed 😉 Found a tandem stroller that I had forgotten I had down in the furnace room, so it was super easy because Carter chilled in the back, and the other kids took turns in the front.

Alfie sure can stress me out when it comes to those kids though. Kaeidyn and Kenzie wanted to walk across these bricks that kind of form a wall on the side of the sidewalk. They’re completely safe to walk on, and it’s like a balance beam, but thicker. Well the kids wanted to walk on it, and Alfie starts, “You guys, be careful. You shouldn’t walk on that.” Prior to him saying anything, I didn’t think anything of it. After he said something, I suddenly got all panicky and insisted on trying to hold their hands. Of course, they wouldn’t have any of it.

McDonald’s was about as fun as it always is for us adults. Even though we didn’t stay for a super long time, the kids had fun running around and playing with other kids. Especially Kaeidyn, who adopted some little girl as her best friend, before they had actually even played together. Carter even got to play on the play place, and had fun kneeling at the stairs.

Walking home was much harder than walking there. Walking there, all the kids were excited and energized. Walking home, they were all tuckered out, full and whiny. Kenzie especially, who cried almost all the way home, until Alfie took both him and Keirnan and ran through the forest on the other side of the street from us (when I say forest, I mean just a grouping of trees. It’s not some natural wonder or something ;))

We got home and Kaeidyn was super incredibly whiny. After so long of her whiny about literally everything, we just sent her down to bed. Some more whining and wailing went on, and then she fell asleep. I think she seriously needed it. She woke up a little on the grumpy side, but once she got a drink, she was much much better.

Tonight was also an incredibly easy night for getting everyone to sleep. At about 8 PM, Kenzie started to complain that he was tired, so I told him he could fall asleep on the couch or down in bed, if he’d like. We put a movie on, and within 45 minutes, he was passed out on the couch and has been ever since. Kaeidyn and Keirnan went and laid down in my bed, and within minutes Keirnan was fast asleep. Kaeidyn gave a little bit of hassle at first, and kept coming upstairs and then saying that she didn’t know why she had come upstairs. But by 10 PM, she was fast asleep too.

We also have had a couple of pretty big accomplishments with Carter, who has eaten rice cereal a whole bunch lately (2 bowls of it the other day with Daddy!!!!), and today, for the first time ever, The Boyfriend held him and Carter drank his formula!!! No crying, no complaining, no giving up. He just took it. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get him to take it again. But it’s an accomplishment nonetheless.

I have had a few days of accomplishing pretty much nothing. I haven’t done any cleaning whatsoever (though there’s a thousand things calling my name and saying, “clean us, please clean us!” – and I just keep whispering back, “Nuuhhhhh!”), I’ve barely been on the computer working on stuff, and I’ve been curled up on the couch eating and watching TV.

I’ve been craving a workout really bad too. I told the kids today that we would go to the exercise park, and then we ended up going to McDonald’s. Almost every night when I go to bed, I make a huge to do list of all the things I need to get done the next day, and I never seem to do a single thing on the list done.

When I’m laying in bed at night, thinking of all the things I need to do, it’s like I get a burst of energy to do the things. Almost every night, I talk myself out of getting into bed by saying, “It’s really late already. Just go to sleep.”, and so I normally will. I’m starting to think that my only solution to this problem that I seem to be having, is to just get out of bed and start cleaning. It’s such a frustration.

Another huge frustration, is the fact that almost none of my clothes fit me properly the way I want them to. And the bigger frustration in all of that, is that I know what it takes for me to get where I want to be, healthily. For some reason, I just can’t come anywhere near close to executing it. So now I have this huge decision to make. Either start exercising and eating better so that I can fit into the clothes that I currently own, or succumb to the laziness and boredom hunger and just buy a bigger size… I’m hoping I’ll get motivated enough to do the former.

This is the thing that sucks the most about the whole working out thing. It’s not that I don’t like to work out. It’s that to do what I want to do to make my body look the way I want it to look (if that makes any sense), I’m gonna have to include alot of cardio. Then I’ll get to go into the stuff that I like, which is strength and flexibility training (though don’t get the idea that I’ve ever been strong, because I haven’t… Or at least, not physically ;)) The cardio is an issue, because I’ve been a smoker for seven  years. Even though I quit for about a month and a half awhile back, I’m back on the smoking train. And I don’t see quitting in my near future.

I just hope I complete at least one goal this year. From start to finish. Because I’ve started alot of goals, and haven’t even come close to completing one of them.

One more thing, before I leave you. Tomorrow, I will officially begin NaBloPoMo again. I had meant to do it every single month for the entire year, but the life of a 23-year-old, stay-at-home mom of four (who almost never leaves the house) makes it incredibly difficult. Not only because you’re a mom and the demands of that are so high, but also because there’s not much that happens in a typical day. So I’ve decided instead to try to do it three or four times this year. Hopefully maybe even more. Tomorrow will be month two!

Times have been trying these last couple of days. And my brother seems to be doing worse everyday. I don’t think he’s sleeping much, as he spends most of the night stalking around outside of my house, as I discovered last night…

The Boyfriend started his one week holiday yesterday. Somehow, he managed to stay up really late with me. At about one in the morning, Goober shows up on my doorstep. I fake that we’re all asleep and don’t answer the door. He stands on my doorstep for about 15 minutes, talking to himself and finally leaves.

At about four, he comes back and Kaeidyn had woken up because she had laid on her ears for too long. Since she got them pierced, when she lays on her sides, the backs of the earring poke into her neck. Well she hears him knock at the door, at four in the morning and goes to let him in. Both The Boyfriend and I tell her not to, and we turn everything off and convince her to go back down to bed. He sits outside, on the car, for the next twenty minutes talking to himself. Then he stands up, and takes off all his sweaters, and stares into our window with just his T-shirt and pants on. Another ten minutes goes by, and he finally leaves.

Today, he slightly admitted to the fact that he’s not alright, when he said that being at Mama T’s place is tripping him out. And I feel incredibly bad for him. The big sister in me, wants to take him into my house and keep my watchful eye over him. But then I remember what it’s like when he is here, and I’m in no way prepared to take him in full-time. The couple hours a day is almost to the point of ending, because I’m sick of ending every visit with him yelling at him to get the f*** out of my house!

Even the kids can’t stand the way he is. Kaeidyn gets incredibly angry at him when he talks to himself and will sit there going, “Uncle, stop talking to yourself. You’re acting crazy!”, or when he stares at anyone and she notices, she’ll saying “Uncle, you’re staring again.” It makes her very uncomfortable to be around him, and she picks up on my annoyance with him the second I feel it.

He needs to get some serious mental help. And he’s so worried that they’ll lock him up in an institution and force him to take meds, and that the family will completely disown him, that he won’t even consider it. Mama T’s boyfriend, Chef, also has Goober convinced that the only road to sanity is to get a job. And since Goober believes him and Chef went through an almost similar experience with Ketamine, Goober believes that what Chef says is the only thing in the world that makes sense. So everytime you tell him that mental health is what he should be focusing on, he says “Chef says I need to work a camp job. But I don’t want a camp job. So I’m just looking for one really hard in town here.” Every once in and awhile he’ll throw in that no one will hire him because he’s a “punk”.

I’m not sure what to do for him or where to go from here with this whole thing. A part of me wants to just write him out of my life for good. Not answer the door when he comes over, ignore him when I see him in public. But another part of me, thinks that’s terribly heartless and wants to scoop him up and save him and mother him. This whole week has been all about trying to make a decision… Unfortunately, I haven’t come up with anything yet…

Well that’s all I had to write. Anyone got words of advice?

I am sweating so bad!! I just did a 20 minute workout on Your Shape! I gave up after I got to a side plank and my right arm kept snapping underneath my weight. I tried modifying it by putting one knee bent on the ground (still in perfect form), but it was getting too hard for me to hold myself up.

I was literally dripping with sweat during my workout. I was a little disappointed, because I put in that I wanted to strengthen my abs, and it seemed to give me alot more leg workouts. So it was alot of squats, which I guess is good, but my legs aren’t really in need of that much work.

One of these days, probably after we get more batteries now, I’ll take a picture of myself now, with my measurements and then a couple months from now, when I get on a workout routine, I’ll put another full body picture up with the change in measurements. That could potentially be really fun or really embarrassing.

It seems like my knee, back and neck are all going to be hindrances in me completing whatever fitness goal it is that I have, which I think right now is just overall toning. I don’t really think I have any weight to lose, I’m 5’7″ in 136 lbs, and I don’t think that that is that bad. But I do need to tone what I have, at the very least, get a little bit of definition.

Today, The Boyfriend, Kaiedyn, Carter and I all went up to The Boyfriend’s Sister’s place. It was her twins birthday party, and we didn’t have enough room in the car for Kenzie and Keirnan, so it was a nice little half-a-family outing. Kaeidyn got to decorate cookies and she played with tons of kids. Kenzie and Keirnan stayed home with Alfie, and I suppose they had a good time. No complaints from anyone, so it was all good.

It was nice to get out of the house. It’s beginning to sound like it happens alot more than it used to, yet not as much as it did during the summer. I can’t wait for this summer and all our walking. Hopefully, by summer, we’ll have a vehicle of our own and we can all go to some of our favourite places around town here. Maybe even eventually venture out of town.

I think as long as The Boyfriend is working graveyards, we’ve pretty much got two days out of the week to work with, and even that’s pushing it. I hate complaining about his job, because I know that it makes him feel horrible for having the job, even though he had it before we got together. It seriously drives me nuts though that he’s gotta sleep during the day when I’m most active, and he can’t sleep next to me, and then spending extra time together cuts into his sleeping.

Like today, because we went to the birthday party and he didn’t want to leave me yet, he’s only getting about two hours of sleep before heading back to work. It sucks, and I wish he didn’t have to go to work and that way he could just sleep next to me and everything would be fine.

Mama T’s still out at the Olympics and her boyfriend came back into town a couple days back. Goober, my brother, has been avoiding going back to Mama T’s house as much as possible. Today, we went to the birthday party and told Goober he couldn’t be here while Alfie was here, as usual. Told him to come back after 4 PM, though we were getting home at 3. We pull up right at 3, and there he is, standing in the middle of our yard with his huge stick, looking like the town creep. Upon being told he looks like a creep, he says “I know, it’s fun!”. Not so much fun for me!

So the kids got put to bed tonight, and the boys thought it would be hilarious to spill their sippy cups all over their bed. This was after I got mad at them for screaming at the top of their lungs, while The Boyfriend was in the room next to them trying to get his two hours of shuteye. When I saw the sippy cup mess, I gave all the kids “the look”, and now they are laying down quietly. It only took me 15 minutes, which is better than the usual 45 minutes to an hour. Unless The Boyfriend or Alfie deal with it. At bed time, they just don’t listen to me usually.

Carter has been constantly hungry, or so it seems to me, especially at night time. I think my breast milk might be slowing down and he’s not getting enough in the normal amount of time for feedings. We normally go for almost an hour and a half, jumping back and forth between right and left breasts. It’s becoming more and more difficult to stay determined to breastfeed. It’s just so all encompassing, and sometimes I don’t feel like doing it. Even though I know I have to. Hopefully he’ll start solids soon, so that at least I can take a break every once and awhile.

Well that’s pretty much my day in a nutshell. Now it’s time to relax on the couch, watch TV and feed my hungry, teething baby. My head hurts after my workout, so maybe I’ll take one or two tylenol and call it a night shortly after The Boyfriend leaves for work.

Today is being yet another crappy day this week. It seems like this week has been made up of nothing but crappy days. I hate to complain, but I really don’t think that I like life at all this week.

The Boyfriend and I seem to be having a rough time, even though I think he’s completely unaware of it. I think he thinks things are all great and fine. Though internally, I seem to be constantly awaiting the demise of our relationship. I feel like I’m not getting what I need or want, I’m not getting enough help, I’m just not getting enough. Maybe I’m being too picky. And I haven’t really communicated it all with him recently.

I seriously don’t feel like instructing him on how to be a good boyfriend. I feel like we’ve passed that point. It used to be so different, and now I just feel like he’s being lazy and not putting any effort into anything really. And I could just be being hyper sensitive or whatever, but it’s been almost an entire week of everyday being unhappy with something to do with him.

From not taking out the garbage, to not holding Carter enough (and giving me a break!), to saying I can sleep in and then it doesn’t happen, to not having any sex whatsoever. And it’s beginning to take it’s toll. This morning, he comes down when he first gets home from work and asks if I want to sleep longer. I say, “I don’t want to get up yet” and he says he’ll let me sleep. A little bit later, the kids all come down to my room, and say they’re hungry and The Boyfriend is sleeping. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep upstairs and it ticked me off to no end. If you’re tired and you don’t want to let me sleep in, or don’t think that you can make it for a couple of hours, freaking tell me!

I just feel like our relationship has officially reached this point where we’re standing completely still. We’re not moving forward, or backwards, just not moving at all. It’s not like things are that different. It’s always been like this, just before I was willing to put up with alot more of it. Now, I’m freaking exhausted and lonely, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. If I’m going to be basically alone, I might as well be alone.

I can’t even truly be mad at him, because most of this stuff can be blamed on his job. And he loves his job and needs to continue working it. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything better right now when it came to jobs. I don’t want to constantly be saying to him that I hate his job and blame a majority of the problems that we do have completely on his job. But lately, all I’ve been thinking about, is when we first started dating he assured me that he wouldn’t be on nights in a year. It’s been over that, and there is no light to the end of this tunnel. There has been no advances towards a daytime position, unless he wants to drop down to part time. Did I mention, we have four kids?!?!?!?

My brother being back in town is becoming super stressful. He goes in and out of seeming normal so fast it’s ridiculous. I don’t know what to do for him at all and that stresses me out the most. I can’t help him right now, and there’s no one else who will. And I feel so bad for him.

The kids are all doing relatively good. Kenzie had a two day grounding from games, because he wouldn’t help clean the playroom. So the rule was until the playroom was clean he wasn’t allowed to play games. On the second day, the rule changed to, if the room isn’t cleaned by dinner time, toys are getting thrown in the garbage. So there’s about a garbage bag full of toys downstairs, and they finally picked up most of their toys.

Kaeidyn had her Valentine’s Day Party at school yesterday. Alfie and I have been bugging her constantly about this boy named Lukas in her class. I think Kaeidyn has a huge crush on him, though she denies it at all costs. Alfie sings to her “Kaeidyn and Lukas, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, and Kaeidyn gets so mad. But everytime she sees Lukas, she laughs at everything he does and then after will say “Oh my Gosh”, in this extremely exaggerated and dramatic voice. Trying to get his attention 😉

Keirnan is finally starting to pick up on more words. Today he was playing games with Kenzie and Kenzie yells at Kaeidyn “It’s a 2-player”, so Keirnan turns around and yells out “2-player”. He’s getting it slowly. Carter’s been pretty good these last couple of days, though his teeth are killing him and he tends to be pretty whiny about it. He’s really starting to show a personality now though. Certain things make him smile, and he loves being tickled. He loves trying to copy other people too, especially if it involves sticking your tongue out. He thinks that’s the greatest and tries to imitate everytime.

My knees are acting up again. I thought it was gone. After I had Carter, my knees lessened up in the hurting department and only got sore if I was going up and down the stairs too much or walking alot. Then out of nowhere, I woke up in the middle of the night, with a shooting pain down my leg and ever since then, my knee has been aching like crazy. Luckily, I have to go see the doctor soon for another shot of depo, so I’ll be talking to him about my knee pain then.

So I guess that’s really all I have to say. Now it’s time to go wake The Boyfriend up so that he can go to the store, and then it’s time to feed Carter… Again!

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

You know what else is annoying about WordPress? How many freaking spam comments I get. This blog has only been actively going for a month, and I’ve already got 68 spam comments!!!! That’s ridiculous.

Today was an incredibly long day. Mostly a good day, but incredibly long. I got to sleep in a bit this morning, which was really wonderful. The Boyfriend stayed up super late, only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep before work, but it was nice spending almost all day together.

Alfie’s Step-Mom, American, came over today. It was a pretty good visit, good conversation. The only part that yanked my chain a bit (yanked The Boyfriend’s a whole lot more) was when she asked how Alfie got along with Carter. I said “Fine, he basically ignores him”, and she goes and says that she plans to have Carter come along to Christmas’ and other holidays with the kids. While a part of me thinks it’s sweet, a bigger part of me thinks it’s damn wrong.

No way in hell is Alfie taking mine and The Boyfriend’s son over there! Alfie doesn’t want Kaeidyn, Kenzie or Keirnan having anything to do with The Boyfriend’s family, Carter doesn’t need to have anything to do with Alfie’s family. I just nodded and smiled, not wanting to start anything. The Boyfriend was not impressed and after the visit told me that it wasn’t going to happen, ever. I agreed with him completely.

Alfie was “entertaining” a girl this weekend, and yesterday didn’t call the kids. Then today tried to lie and say he was with his Dad all day and that’s why he didn’t come over until dinner time, though I already knew he wasn’t with his Dad because American had told me that they weren’t together. I hate how the kids’ go on the back burner because there’s a chance Alfie could get laid. I wish that he could get his priorities straight. And it better not become a regular thing. This time, I’m letting it go. Next time, I won’t.

I’m not looking forward to much of this week at all. Tomorrow, I’m taking Keirnan to the walk-in clinic to get antibiotics for his teeth. Luckily he does really good with doctors and doesn’t mind when they poke and prod him. I, unfortunately, don’t do so well. Especially with the teeth thing. I always think doctors and dentists are judging my parenting abilities based on the condition of his teeth.

Then on Tuesday, even though YAY it’s The Boyfriend’s day off, sadly I have to go see a Child Support Worker to update all our information. I’m not looking forward to it at all. I always said to Alfie, I never wanted his money, I just wanted him there for the kids. Then when we broke up, I went on Income Support (welfare), and we had to go see a child support worker. At that time, Alfie and I weren’t speaking to each other, and I wasn’t getting any child support from him. Since I was on IS, I had to be receiving child support from him.

When his court date came around, he claimed that he had never been served papers, and so he never showed for the court date. So they sent the file off to the Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, and now he’s been getting charged for that. And the only time he paid it was when he was on EI (Employment Insurance), and that was only because it was automatically deducted from his check. So now we have to go back in, add Keirnan to his support, and then let them know that The Boyfriend is paying me support and doesn’t need to go through FMEP. I can’t wait for Wednesday, when all this crap will be over.

I found my camera today!! YAY!!! So hopefully in the next couple of days, I’ll have some pictures up. Tomorrow is officially my last NaBloPoMo day. Thinking about doing it again in February, but I’m not guaranteeing anything. Especially being that the official start day for The XXX Rated Rantings is February 3rd. The first WTMFI Wednesdays is already written out and scheduled to go! I’m so excited, I think it could end up being really good. I know I’ve enjoyed coming up with the questions, and I’m more than curious to see everyone’s answers.