Posts Tagged ‘Sketchy’

Today, Carter and I had a doctor’s appointment. It went pretty well. Carter is doing great, though he dropped from being in the 80th percentile in his weight, down to the 25th percentile. I knew he wasn’t gaining much from my breast milk alone.

At first I was disappointed to hear it, especially being that I think he feels ridiculously heavy. I have a hard time holding him for the length of a breastfeeding, because I think he’s so heavy. But since his last appointment at about 2 months, he’s only gained 2 lbs. So the doctor suggested we try out some solids and maybe start supplementing with formula. I was disappointed, but then I thought about the fact that I’ve been breastfeeding for five months, and only breastfeeding. The only other kid I breastfed for any length of time was Kenzie and that was just a little over a month.

I got my depo prescription filled, and now have to go get that injected. Complained about the pain in my knee, which keeps coming and going. When I was pregnant, it hurt all the time. Now, it goes in and out of hurting. So I got an x-ray, though it showed nothing, so I got an oral and topical anti-inflammatory. Then I mentioned the sketchiness at night, and was given some Ativan.

I know I’ve heard about Ativan, though I can’t remember much about it. The doctor knows that I’m breastfeeding, though the warning says not to use it while you’re breastfeeding. So before I start taking that one, I’ll be calling my local pharmacist. I’ve been “seeing” the same pharmacist (in a very informal manner) since I moved here. He’s a great pharmacist. He describes each medication in detail, lists off commonly reported side effects, and has the answers to my sometimes obvious answered questions. I just realized, that I don’t even know his name… I just know he’s the pharmacist at Wal-Mart πŸ˜‰

The other day, we whipped out the electric razor, and now Keirnan has no hair (yes, we even got rid of his little rat tail that he’s had since birth!), Kenzie has much shorter hair, though his needs a touch up because he kept jumping all over the place. And Kaeidyn was jealous that the boys got their hair cut with the razor, so I cut her bangs with it. They all look so different when they get their hair cut. Kenzie especially. He looks much more skinny with less hair on his head πŸ˜‰

Keirnan said his first full and very clear sentence today. “What’s this movie?” was the question he blurted out at Alfie. I couldn’t believe how clear it was. I believe completely that Keirnan can talk, he just doesn’t want to. He knows if he doesn’t, his sister or brother will step in and talk for him. The Boyfriend says he was the same way growing up. And that makes me think that I applaud any woman in the entire world, who raises boys without a man around. Because I would be completely lost!

Kenzie has been playing less and less games it seems. And it almost seems like it’s happened completely naturally. He doesn’t like being secluded away from everyone so much. If I fall asleep on the couch while Kaeidyn’s at school, then he’ll play the Wii. But other than that, he asks about them still, but hardly ever plays them. It’s been really good.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these last couple of days, though still in really good spirits. The messes in the house keep piling up and seem harder and harder to maintain (especially with how tired I’ve been these last couple of days), the kids seem to be getting louder and louder (especially Carter who seems to only cry and eat and sleep!) and even though I’m hardly doing anything, by the end of the day I feel tired and sore and stressed about the day to come.

I was also disappointed today at the doctor’s, when I stepped upon the scale and it creeped past the 136 lbs I was the last time I weighed myself. I won’t tell you where it’s at, because I’m still in denial, but I will tell you that I’m absolutely not happy with it. I need to start doing more cardio and ab workouts and get rid of my baby pooch…

Advertisements

So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”. Β I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

My Wii Wishlist

So today, Wal-Mart got a shipment of 25 Wii’s in. The Boyfriend will be picking us up one first thing in the morning. So YAY, I’m getting a Wii. Now it’s just a matter of getting games that I want, and boy are there alot!!!

The Big Bang Theory was on tonight, and Penny and Leonard (played by Kaley Cuoco and Johnny Galecki) broke up, or maybe they didn’t. I really hope they don’t… Just my personal opinion.

Today was a relatively boring day. I walked Kaeidyn to school. It was cold and snowflakes kept getting all in my nose. It was fun picking her up, because we climbed through mounds of snow together. From the time that I woke up, until about 3:30 PM (except for when I was walking to and from Kaeidyn’s school), I was working on blog stuff.

Like I said the other day, I’m working really hard on getting an about type page up for this blog. Then I’ve been working super hard on the XXX Rated Rantings, and then I remembered I had a Tumblr Account, so I decided to use that as an updates type blog, where you can get updates on both the XXX Rated and PG Rantings.

For those of you who are interested in updates, but don’t want to read about the other blog, there’s always the option of subscribing to this blog by RSS, e-mail or subscribing to the Mailing List.

Kenzie did pretty awesome with games today, for the most part. After not being allowed to play all day yesterday, he was told today that he couldn’t play until after lunch. Even though he asked a hundred times, he didn’t throw any fits or doing any real pouting. After lunch, Alfie came over and watched the kids while I went for a nap with Carter and The Boyfriend, and that’s when Kenzie got to put on games. He played until dinner time which was a little ridiculous, but that’s only because I was sleeping.

I think Keirnan’s probably going through another growing spurt. He’s been super clumsy lately, almost every time he walks past the computer desk he hits his head, he trips over his own feet. Kaeidyn and Kenzie both start eating alot right before they go through a growth spurt, they also complain alot about their legs hurting, especially Kaeidyn. Keirnan seems to be tripping all over himself.

So while I solved one creative problem, I’ve noticed a whole slew of others. I’ve been really into the creativity these last couple of days. Constantly singing new songs (though I haven’t written anything down, need a guitar for that kind of flow), writing like crazy. It’s been good. I lost my camera though, so I’m sad because I can’t take pictures of everything.

I keep saying I’m gonna go over to my Mom’s and do some serious recording. I want to lay down at least 5 good tracks. But going over there takes some very careful planning. First, gotta get Alfie to come and watch the three kids (because I can’t have them screaming in the background during recordings, you can hear that on YouTube), and then The Boyfriend and Carter have to come with me. Carter, because I haven’t really gotten the hang of breast pumping enough for a really good feeding and The Boyfriend because I’m too sketchy of being the first person whose walked through the door in close to a month. Ugh the thought of it alone sends shivers down my spine!!

But I went and downloaded the demo version of Fruity Loops 9, so I’ve been playing around on that all day. Already created two awesome beginnings to songs. Unfortunately, because it’s only the demo version, I can’t save anything. Oh well, I’ll just keep re-starting over and over. Maybe tomorrow I’ll finally head over to my Mom’s and then I can solve all my problems. Yeah right, probably not tomorrow, I’ll have a Wii that’ll keep my here.

Well I’ll write more tomorrow. I think I’m gonna have to carry on with this NaBloPoMo thing. The first month was too easy πŸ˜‰

Today has been an incredibly long day. The poor Boyfriend is exhausted and I feel so bad for him, because even though he had last night off, he had to go back to work today.

We decided today would be the perfect day to do some cleaning. Really, he did all the cleaning, I just kind of paced. So he took no nap because he was hard at work doing a variety of things. Like sweeping the floor (which I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do), he tidied up the storage room (which hasn’t been touched in months, and has become a catch-all for junk), took all the bags of bottles (from the 2 bottles of Sprite I go through a day), downstairs so they were out of the way Β and even took apart the futon so we could get the kids on the big mattress instead of the small mattress.

I did some dishes today, and made a delicious and classic Sunday dinner. We had roast beef, yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes and gravy. Unfortunately there was no corn, but I was filled after one plate and only Kaeidyn asked for more meat.

Kenzie hasn’t been feeling very good since yesterday when he puked. He spent most of yesterday sleeping, and then spent the daytime today playing games or watching TV, and then fell asleep shortly after dinnertime. He’s been completely asleep ever since.

So, I was watching The Golden Globes and you would not believe what happened. I literally was so excited. Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory (my current favourite comedy on TV), and Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls (my second favourite show of all time, coming second only to ER), presented an award together.

Jim Parsons and Lauren Graham

I have to admit that I have a huge crush on Jim Parsons, also known as Sheldon Cooper. At first I thought it was just a crush on his character, but then I went on YouTube and watched a few hours worth of interviews with him, and then seeing him on Rachael Ray and Ellen (the only thing that’s on at 4 and 6 when I’m most likely to be watching TV), I think he is so sexy in this totally different way.

Lauren Graham is just plain amazing. I watched her way back when she was on Newsradio, and then I started watching Gilmore Girls the very first time it was ever played. And then I watched it throughout the whole seven seasons (I took a hiatus sometime during 2001 or 2002, though caught up…), plus I watched it when it started from the beginning and carried through on the W Network, and now we’re working on building my DVD collection, and have the first and second season and are expanding as quickly as I can.

So I was so happy to see that two of my favourite people presented an award together. Right away, The Boyfriend and I were going off about them being in a romantic comedy together. Though I still don’t know if I could ever see Sheldon Cooper with another human being in an intimate sense, let alone a woman. And if it is going to be a woman, it should be me, and Lauren Graham can wait her turn.

I’m really hoping tomorrow I’ll have more energy than I did today. Today, I was craving a smoke so bad. I don’t even know why. It seems the more time that goes by, the more I miss smoking. I miss having the excuse, I miss having the routine. “I’ll make dinner after this smoke”, “Oh, dinner is done. Time for a smoke”, I miss that. I miss taking a bath and The Boyfriend having to bring me down a smoke, it was a reason for him to come in while I was soaking. Now, there’s no reason, so he doesn’t. So today I pretty much sat curled up in a chair, whining about wanting a smoke.

Well Kaeidyn’s got school tomorrow, and we’ve gotta get up early so that she can take a bath in the morning. Hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough tonight, that I’ll just fall straight to sleep. Doors locked, check. Light on, check. Now it’s just a matter of not thinking about anything morbid. Wish me luck πŸ˜‰

I was quite suprised this morning, when The Boyfriend came in half an hour earlier and almost completely silent. Most mornings, you can hear him come in the front door and close it behind him, and you can hear the plastic bags rustling past the railing as he rushes to put everything away before the kids wake up. Normally, this doesn’t work.

This morning was different. Instead of coming through the front door, he climbed through the balcony window. Why, you may be wondering. Well every once and awhile, I go through this sketchiness at night. Sometimes it’s bad and I can’t sleep. My solution is to lock everything up and leave lights on all over the place. So last night, I was going through some extreme sketchiness.

When my heat comes on in the house, it sounds like someone is walking around upstairs. So I kept thinking someone was in the house, walking around. Then I watched alot of news yesterday, and Haiti was all over the place. I was laying in bed, sketching out about burglars and people coming in to set fires, and next thing I know, I’m sketching out about natural disasters. That’s when I locked the door.

The Boyfriend comes in this morning, all silent like, and when he came in to say hello, I was like “How did you get in here? I had the door locked” and he told me about jumping up through the balcony window. I told him I was sketching about natural disasters, and he was like “How is locking the door going to save you from a natural disaster?” And I explained to him, very sincerely, that at least with my door locked, I could rest assure that even if there was a crazy natural disaster at least a burglar wouldn’t be able to enter through my front door or balcony door to rummage through my scattered remains. Darn me for being so morbid πŸ˜‰

Then he gave me some really good news. He got to take today off. That was insanely good news, and even though he’s been exhausted ever since noon, he’s done a really good job staying awake. Even when I went for an hour long bath (even though most of that was spent outside of the bath, braiding my hair into small braids, which is incredibly hard to do by yourself).

We’ve had a bunch of cute moments with the kids today. Kaeidyn picked a bedtime movie last night and she chose “Learn how to belly dance”, a movie I had picked up for $5 at Wal-Mart. It doesn’t really teach you much, it’s mostly just watching other people perform, but she comes upstairs and sure enough she’s picked up a few moves. She’s almost got a figure eight figured out, and I think a hip drop, but I’m not 100% sure. I get distracted by her attempts to do snake arms, and don’t pay attention to what she’s doing with her body.

Then, Keirnan starts singing Spider Man today, so I went and downloaded Spider Man by The Ramones. My little punk rocker was singing and dancing along, it was such a proud moment for me. Kenzie was sick today, so he slept for the most part. Carter was so talkative. That’s one thing that I love about The Boyfriend being awake during the daytime. For some reason, Carter sees his Daddy, and he just starts cooing away, and it’s always happy stories. I can get him to tell me sad stories, where he’s half crying through all the cooing. The Boyfriend gets smiles and these adorable little faces that just melt your heart.

I started folding the heaping mound of laundry that was on the bed that never gets used in the room that never gets used. My landlord is coming over on Tuesday to do with a walk-through with someone for their mortgage, so I have to make it look like I kind of clean the house. I wouldn’t be so worried if it were the landlord(s) I had when I first moved in here, or even if it was the landlady that just resigned from her position. This is a new landlord, one I haven’t even paid rent to yet. It’ll be the first time he’s in my house, and that makes me incredibly nervous. So the next couple of days will be full of cleaning.

Well The Boyfriend is officially done his shower, and I have a baby to feed, so it’s off to bed for me.