Posts Tagged ‘Sketching’

Today, Carter and I had a doctor’s appointment. It went pretty well. Carter is doing great, though he dropped from being in the 80th percentile in his weight, down to the 25th percentile. I knew he wasn’t gaining much from my breast milk alone.

At first I was disappointed to hear it, especially being that I think he feels ridiculously heavy. I have a hard time holding him for the length of a breastfeeding, because I think he’s so heavy. But since his last appointment at about 2 months, he’s only gained 2 lbs. So the doctor suggested we try out some solids and maybe start supplementing with formula. I was disappointed, but then I thought about the fact that I’ve been breastfeeding for five months, and only breastfeeding. The only other kid I breastfed for any length of time was Kenzie and that was just a little over a month.

I got my depo prescription filled, and now have to go get that injected. Complained about the pain in my knee, which keeps coming and going. When I was pregnant, it hurt all the time. Now, it goes in and out of hurting. So I got an x-ray, though it showed nothing, so I got an oral and topical anti-inflammatory. Then I mentioned the sketchiness at night, and was given some Ativan.

I know I’ve heard about Ativan, though I can’t remember much about it. The doctor knows that I’m breastfeeding, though the warning says not to use it while you’re breastfeeding. So before I start taking that one, I’ll be calling my local pharmacist. I’ve been “seeing” the same pharmacist (in a very informal manner) since I moved here. He’s a great pharmacist. He describes each medication in detail, lists off commonly reported side effects, and has the answers to my sometimes obvious answered questions. I just realized, that I don’t even know his name… I just know he’s the pharmacist at Wal-Mart 😉

The other day, we whipped out the electric razor, and now Keirnan has no hair (yes, we even got rid of his little rat tail that he’s had since birth!), Kenzie has much shorter hair, though his needs a touch up because he kept jumping all over the place. And Kaeidyn was jealous that the boys got their hair cut with the razor, so I cut her bangs with it. They all look so different when they get their hair cut. Kenzie especially. He looks much more skinny with less hair on his head 😉

Keirnan said his first full and very clear sentence today. “What’s this movie?” was the question he blurted out at Alfie. I couldn’t believe how clear it was. I believe completely that Keirnan can talk, he just doesn’t want to. He knows if he doesn’t, his sister or brother will step in and talk for him. The Boyfriend says he was the same way growing up. And that makes me think that I applaud any woman in the entire world, who raises boys without a man around. Because I would be completely lost!

Kenzie has been playing less and less games it seems. And it almost seems like it’s happened completely naturally. He doesn’t like being secluded away from everyone so much. If I fall asleep on the couch while Kaeidyn’s at school, then he’ll play the Wii. But other than that, he asks about them still, but hardly ever plays them. It’s been really good.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these last couple of days, though still in really good spirits. The messes in the house keep piling up and seem harder and harder to maintain (especially with how tired I’ve been these last couple of days), the kids seem to be getting louder and louder (especially Carter who seems to only cry and eat and sleep!) and even though I’m hardly doing anything, by the end of the day I feel tired and sore and stressed about the day to come.

I was also disappointed today at the doctor’s, when I stepped upon the scale and it creeped past the 136 lbs I was the last time I weighed myself. I won’t tell you where it’s at, because I’m still in denial, but I will tell you that I’m absolutely not happy with it. I need to start doing more cardio and ab workouts and get rid of my baby pooch…

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I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉