Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

These last couple of days have been full of emotions for me. From stressed to happy, and annoyed to giddy. The kids have all been pretty rotten these last couple of days. Kaeidyn’s been whiny and bossy, and learning too much, too young. And I never thought I’d be one of those parents who ever said that.

But when Kaeidyn came in from playing outside today, telling me about a kid right around her age, telling her that they had a girlfriend that they slept with and made out with (making out for Kaeidyn is sex), I changed my mind completely. I don’t have an issue talking to her about sex at all, but I don’t like other people talking to her about sex. I don’t like that I wasn’t around to explain it to her or anything. And of course, when she brought it up, I was just so taken aback by the fact that a kid her age was bragging about making out with another kid her age, that I didn’t even respond at first. I just kind of sat there with my mouth open.

She got her hair curled last night, and she went to school with ringlets. Man, does my kid ever look cute with curly hair. I wish I could make it like that forever. It’s going to be interesting to see what it looks like tomorrow. Even though she’s got my hair, she holds a curl way better than I do…

She’s been repeating the beginning of her sentences alot lately. Just over and over again, she’ll say the same four or five words, and then after a few times of saying it, she finally blurts out the rest of the sentence. She sounds alot like Goober did when he was younger. Alfie’s convinced that she only does it around us, because he’s never heard her do it outside of the house. I think at the next parent/teacher conference, I’m gonna ask if the speech therapist has noticed anything.

We’ve finally reached a successful note with the formula, so far. It was being so hard, and now it just suddenly seems easy. For some reason, he won’t take the bottle from The Boyfriend as long as I’m around. The best part is, is that he’s already holding the bottle. I still breastfeed him at night and a few times during the day. But I’ve been trying increasing the amount of formula he’s having everyday.

The first couple of days of more than 2 oz. of formula, he was puking it up every single time he was fed. Now though, we’ve had almost two days of no puking. It doesn’t seem to really be helping his sleeping that much, but it’s definitely nice for me. We’ve made a new discovery with him too. He likes to sleep with a blanket covering his face. The other day, he got underneath of the blanket, and fell asleep. Now, he almost insists on it. If it’s not a blanket, it’s his arm over his eyes.

He’s been moving alot too. You can’t leave him alone for any length of time, because he’s moving so much. We had to buy a baby gate to make sure he doesn’t crawl down the stairs. He keeps pulling himself up on the furniture, and today he finally figured out how to get down from the standing at the furniture position without hurting himself. He is growing up way too fast.

The Boyfriend got me to print up pictures of Carter for him for work tonight. He does it every couple of months. Of course, we haven’t been able to get new pictures because my camera broke, but he took a bunch of old ones. It’s just amazing to me that at one time, he was just a little baby, and now…

Keirnan and Kenzie have been, well, Keirnan and Kenzie. They’ve been noisy, rough and whiny. Keirnan’s having such a hard time with the talking, and I still seem to be the only one who understands him. He also seems to be having a hard time comprehending simple instructions, like today when they were all getting ready to go outside, he was told to grab a pair of socks and his shoes. Well, he went and grabbed his jacket instead. After much pointing and some repeating, probably ten minutes passed and he finally grabbed socks and A shoe.

Kenzie has been trying to help out with Carter constantly, from moving him back to the blanket to holding his bottle. Problem is, Kenzie still hasn’t really gotten control of his strength and doesn’t really know his limitations. Without meaning to, he’s been pretty rough these last couple of days. I feel like I’m constantly saying to him, “Be gentle”, and it feels like he’s just not getting it.

The Boyfriend goes down to part-time starting Monday. There is a big part of me that is filled with this great joy knowing that he’s gonna be around more often. Not only to help out with the handful of kids, but also to keep me company. But there’s another part of me that is worried as hell.

If we were smarter with our money, I wouldn’t be so concerned. But we’re not very smart with our money. As it is, with him working full-time, I feel like we’re barely scraping by month to month. I feel like, financially, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. As long as, if it does get too rough financially, we’re both prepared to do something about it, I think it’ll be okay. But I’ve been stressed about it. He’s just so excited to get to be with Carter more often, that he’s not to the point of stressing about it yet.

I’m hoping, with him having more days off, and being around more often, we might actually get this house sort of clean. It seems like everyday, I make this list and I say, “I’m gonna clean this and that”, and everyday, it never happens. Today I started to clean the living room, by organizing the entertainment stand (which normally gives me a boost of energy for cleaning), but then I screwed up on the alphabetical organization, and that was the end of my cleaning… At least I’ve been getting some laundry done.

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The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch today, and I was feeding Carter and commented on Carter’s feet. Since the day he was born, his big toe separates from his other toes. There’s a huge gap there. Tonight, we were looking closer, and the toe next to big toe, curves. He literally has these little bird feet.

I took him for a bath today, and that was a gong show. Now that he’s figured out how to roll from his back to his stomach, he kept rolling over in the bath. Normally, he loves taking baths and kicks and squirms and squeals. Today, he didn’t like that bath at all. I laid him down in it, he starts screaming. Then he rolls over, start screaming more. Needless to say, it was an extremely quick bath.

Keirnan, the wonderful, curious little brat that he is, was horrible today. Most of the morning he was fussy, then in the afternoon when I started some cleaning, he was literally right underneath of me the entire time, and then right before dinner he goes downstairs, not completely uncommon of him. He goes down there to play with his cars alot, so naturally I assume that’s what he’s doing. Though I think it’s mighty odd that it’s time for me to cook dinner, and he’s nowhere around.

So I go downstairs to check on him, and I get to about the fourth step from the bottom, and find a HUGE pile of laundry soap dumped all over the floor. He’s sitting there with his hands all in it. This is after emptying the toilet onto the bathroom floor the other day. He’s just getting into everything.

With the older two, when they were this age, we lived on a single floor of a two-bedroom apartment. There weren’t many places the two of them could go to get into much trouble. Keirnan on the other hand, has two floors, three rooms and a downstairs bathroom to get into!

Kenzie and Kaeidyn have both been getting really into games lately. I wake up to Kaeidyn and Kenzie playing Lego: Star Wars. Less than an hour later, Kenzie’s asking if him and Kaeidyn could play the Wii together. After they get kicked off the Wii for arguing so much, they both come and play together on the computer.

I’m scared to see what my kids are going to be like as they age. They’re so over-stimulated. Electronics like rule their life. I wish my childhood would’ve been more like that. All the things I wanted to know when I was younger, would’ve been right at my fingertips. I tell you though, I would’ve been one smart and very cocky SOB.

I was trying to fix the bluriness of my TV today, and we have my guitar in it’s case behind one of three DVD shelves (I know, ridiculous). So I’m screwing around back there, and had to pull my guitar out. I miss my guitar so much. I seriously need to invest in a new one. Or some sort of musical instrument. It’s driving me nuts not playing. And I’ve been coming up with so many good little ditties, and I would love to be putting some of them down.

This morning was pretty awesome. I finally got a sleep in day. Still not a very late sleep in, only 10 AM. But at 9, I called The Boyfriend to take Carter upstairs, so I could sleep by myself for an hour. I slept incredibly soundly, and it felt so good. The Boyfriend even got a pretty good sleep in today, and I had no problems whatsoever getting him out of bed. I went down said “It’s 7 o’clock, dinner’s ready and coffees percolating” and he jumped up out of bed, curious what was for dinner. He always asks and I never tell him 😉

I even went out of my way to cuddle with him today. It was more or less pointed out to me the other night, that it takes being intimate to receive intimacy. If I don’t cuddle him, he won’t cuddle me. If I don’t make sexual advances at him, he won’t do it to me. It’s very give and take, and I’ve, in a way, been taking without alot of give. So I think it’s officially a goal to change that.

I’m also happy to report that I finally got a decent Wii Fitness Age. I’m officially only at 26!!! The lowest I had gotten before that was 29, and I know you’re thinking “Well 3 years isn’t that much”, but that means that I’m 3 years closer to my actual age. That’s exciting being that the oldest I’ve been is 78!!!

So that’s my day in a nutshell! How was yours?

Today is being yet another crappy day this week. It seems like this week has been made up of nothing but crappy days. I hate to complain, but I really don’t think that I like life at all this week.

The Boyfriend and I seem to be having a rough time, even though I think he’s completely unaware of it. I think he thinks things are all great and fine. Though internally, I seem to be constantly awaiting the demise of our relationship. I feel like I’m not getting what I need or want, I’m not getting enough help, I’m just not getting enough. Maybe I’m being too picky. And I haven’t really communicated it all with him recently.

I seriously don’t feel like instructing him on how to be a good boyfriend. I feel like we’ve passed that point. It used to be so different, and now I just feel like he’s being lazy and not putting any effort into anything really. And I could just be being hyper sensitive or whatever, but it’s been almost an entire week of everyday being unhappy with something to do with him.

From not taking out the garbage, to not holding Carter enough (and giving me a break!), to saying I can sleep in and then it doesn’t happen, to not having any sex whatsoever. And it’s beginning to take it’s toll. This morning, he comes down when he first gets home from work and asks if I want to sleep longer. I say, “I don’t want to get up yet” and he says he’ll let me sleep. A little bit later, the kids all come down to my room, and say they’re hungry and The Boyfriend is sleeping. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep upstairs and it ticked me off to no end. If you’re tired and you don’t want to let me sleep in, or don’t think that you can make it for a couple of hours, freaking tell me!

I just feel like our relationship has officially reached this point where we’re standing completely still. We’re not moving forward, or backwards, just not moving at all. It’s not like things are that different. It’s always been like this, just before I was willing to put up with alot more of it. Now, I’m freaking exhausted and lonely, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. If I’m going to be basically alone, I might as well be alone.

I can’t even truly be mad at him, because most of this stuff can be blamed on his job. And he loves his job and needs to continue working it. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything better right now when it came to jobs. I don’t want to constantly be saying to him that I hate his job and blame a majority of the problems that we do have completely on his job. But lately, all I’ve been thinking about, is when we first started dating he assured me that he wouldn’t be on nights in a year. It’s been over that, and there is no light to the end of this tunnel. There has been no advances towards a daytime position, unless he wants to drop down to part time. Did I mention, we have four kids?!?!?!?

My brother being back in town is becoming super stressful. He goes in and out of seeming normal so fast it’s ridiculous. I don’t know what to do for him at all and that stresses me out the most. I can’t help him right now, and there’s no one else who will. And I feel so bad for him.

The kids are all doing relatively good. Kenzie had a two day grounding from games, because he wouldn’t help clean the playroom. So the rule was until the playroom was clean he wasn’t allowed to play games. On the second day, the rule changed to, if the room isn’t cleaned by dinner time, toys are getting thrown in the garbage. So there’s about a garbage bag full of toys downstairs, and they finally picked up most of their toys.

Kaeidyn had her Valentine’s Day Party at school yesterday. Alfie and I have been bugging her constantly about this boy named Lukas in her class. I think Kaeidyn has a huge crush on him, though she denies it at all costs. Alfie sings to her “Kaeidyn and Lukas, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, and Kaeidyn gets so mad. But everytime she sees Lukas, she laughs at everything he does and then after will say “Oh my Gosh”, in this extremely exaggerated and dramatic voice. Trying to get his attention 😉

Keirnan is finally starting to pick up on more words. Today he was playing games with Kenzie and Kenzie yells at Kaeidyn “It’s a 2-player”, so Keirnan turns around and yells out “2-player”. He’s getting it slowly. Carter’s been pretty good these last couple of days, though his teeth are killing him and he tends to be pretty whiny about it. He’s really starting to show a personality now though. Certain things make him smile, and he loves being tickled. He loves trying to copy other people too, especially if it involves sticking your tongue out. He thinks that’s the greatest and tries to imitate everytime.

My knees are acting up again. I thought it was gone. After I had Carter, my knees lessened up in the hurting department and only got sore if I was going up and down the stairs too much or walking alot. Then out of nowhere, I woke up in the middle of the night, with a shooting pain down my leg and ever since then, my knee has been aching like crazy. Luckily, I have to go see the doctor soon for another shot of depo, so I’ll be talking to him about my knee pain then.

So I guess that’s really all I have to say. Now it’s time to go wake The Boyfriend up so that he can go to the store, and then it’s time to feed Carter… Again!

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!