Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Today is being yet another crappy day this week. It seems like this week has been made up of nothing but crappy days. I hate to complain, but I really don’t think that I like life at all this week.

The Boyfriend and I seem to be having a rough time, even though I think he’s completely unaware of it. I think he thinks things are all great and fine. Though internally, I seem to be constantly awaiting the demise of our relationship. I feel like I’m not getting what I need or want, I’m not getting enough help, I’m just not getting enough. Maybe I’m being too picky. And I haven’t really communicated it all with him recently.

I seriously don’t feel like instructing him on how to be a good boyfriend. I feel like we’ve passed that point. It used to be so different, and now I just feel like he’s being lazy and not putting any effort into anything really. And I could just be being hyper sensitive or whatever, but it’s been almost an entire week of everyday being unhappy with something to do with him.

From not taking out the garbage, to not holding Carter enough (and giving me a break!), to saying I can sleep in and then it doesn’t happen, to not having any sex whatsoever. And it’s beginning to take it’s toll. This morning, he comes down when he first gets home from work and asks if I want to sleep longer. I say, “I don’t want to get up yet” and he says he’ll let me sleep. A little bit later, the kids all come down to my room, and say they’re hungry and The Boyfriend is sleeping. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep upstairs and it ticked me off to no end. If you’re tired and you don’t want to let me sleep in, or don’t think that you can make it for a couple of hours, freaking tell me!

I just feel like our relationship has officially reached this point where we’re standing completely still. We’re not moving forward, or backwards, just not moving at all. It’s not like things are that different. It’s always been like this, just before I was willing to put up with alot more of it. Now, I’m freaking exhausted and lonely, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. If I’m going to be basically alone, I might as well be alone.

I can’t even truly be mad at him, because most of this stuff can be blamed on his job. And he loves his job and needs to continue working it. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything better right now when it came to jobs. I don’t want to constantly be saying to him that I hate his job and blame a majority of the problems that we do have completely on his job. But lately, all I’ve been thinking about, is when we first started dating he assured me that he wouldn’t be on nights in a year. It’s been over that, and there is no light to the end of this tunnel. There has been no advances towards a daytime position, unless he wants to drop down to part time. Did I mention, we have four kids?!?!?!?

My brother being back in town is becoming super stressful. He goes in and out of seeming normal so fast it’s ridiculous. I don’t know what to do for him at all and that stresses me out the most. I can’t help him right now, and there’s no one else who will. And I feel so bad for him.

The kids are all doing relatively good. Kenzie had a two day grounding from games, because he wouldn’t help clean the playroom. So the rule was until the playroom was clean he wasn’t allowed to play games. On the second day, the rule changed to, if the room isn’t cleaned by dinner time, toys are getting thrown in the garbage. So there’s about a garbage bag full of toys downstairs, and they finally picked up most of their toys.

Kaeidyn had her Valentine’s Day Party at school yesterday. Alfie and I have been bugging her constantly about this boy named Lukas in her class. I think Kaeidyn has a huge crush on him, though she denies it at all costs. Alfie sings to her “Kaeidyn and Lukas, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, and Kaeidyn gets so mad. But everytime she sees Lukas, she laughs at everything he does and then after will say “Oh my Gosh”, in this extremely exaggerated and dramatic voice. Trying to get his attention 😉

Keirnan is finally starting to pick up on more words. Today he was playing games with Kenzie and Kenzie yells at Kaeidyn “It’s a 2-player”, so Keirnan turns around and yells out “2-player”. He’s getting it slowly. Carter’s been pretty good these last couple of days, though his teeth are killing him and he tends to be pretty whiny about it. He’s really starting to show a personality now though. Certain things make him smile, and he loves being tickled. He loves trying to copy other people too, especially if it involves sticking your tongue out. He thinks that’s the greatest and tries to imitate everytime.

My knees are acting up again. I thought it was gone. After I had Carter, my knees lessened up in the hurting department and only got sore if I was going up and down the stairs too much or walking alot. Then out of nowhere, I woke up in the middle of the night, with a shooting pain down my leg and ever since then, my knee has been aching like crazy. Luckily, I have to go see the doctor soon for another shot of depo, so I’ll be talking to him about my knee pain then.

So I guess that’s really all I have to say. Now it’s time to go wake The Boyfriend up so that he can go to the store, and then it’s time to feed Carter… Again!

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So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

Today was a really good day with The Boyfriend. He got to sleep in this morning, which I thought for sure would make me mad, which normally does. But he woke up when I made some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. And while I was on the computer for almost the whole day, I felt like we were really close today.

I’ve been working ridiculously hard on getting WTMFI Wednesdays up on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’ve gotten a month worth of Wednesday posts up and ready to go, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have about 100 questions sitting around waiting to be used.

It was especially exciting because The Boyfriend not only helped massively with coming up with a bunch of questions, but he seemed excited at the idea of becoming part of my Wednesday posts when I told him it would be cool if he did. He was down for answering the questions, so hopefully I’ll be adding that before the first official post on February 3rd, 2010.

So, Kaeidyn had a dentist come to her school today, so all we heard about was her teeth today. Songs, instructions, everything teeth. Tomorrow we’re going to a speech therapy workshop with her, so that should be fun. I’m finally gonna get to see what Kaeidyn does when she goes to her speech therapy, and that’s exciting for me.

Right now, she just brings home papers and they have instructions. I don’t actually know if I’m doing it right, but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. We had KFC for dinner tonight, and sat down and watched “Horton Hears a Who”. Kaeidyn was the only one who stayed awake during all of it.

I played Wii for a good long time today. I finally found two games on the Wii Sports Resort that I can play sitting down. So I spent almost all afternoon Skydiving and flying over the island. I unlocked a whole bunch of stuff, and got my Wii Fitness Age down to 37!!! Only 14 more years to go!

Carter has a massive cold. Runny nose, congestion, the coughs. I seriously hate when my kids are sick. I feel so helpless all the time. It doesn’t help that he’s teething right now too, so his teeth are hurting and he’s got boogers sticking out his nose, and he keeps coughing up junk. All the kids start getting sick right as the weather’s about to change. It literally runs a circle, starting with Keirnan. Then it goes on down to Carter, then Kenzie, then Kaeidyn. Then I get hit with a really vicious, intense cold and then Cahlen gets a stuffed up nose, and then we’re good until the weather changes again. And it doesn’t matter what season it is.

I’ve almost completed the NaBloPoMo challenge!! Aren’t you proud of me?

Do you ever have those days where you hate your extended family? I have days where I hate my family, and I have days when I hate Alfie’s family. Today, just happens to be one of those days.

This was all of the cause of the ending of the old Rantings. I wrote what I felt at the moment, Alfie’s family took it the wrong way, and a fight started which ultimately led to the end of the Rantings. And here we are today, where I want to rant about some things, and I feel like all of these people would come down on me like a ton of bricks… Oh well….

About a year ago, the English and American posted some rather nasty comments on a bunch of my status’ on Facebook. I hadn’t personally dealt with them in a few months, because I was dating The Boyfriend. So when they wanted to see the kids, Alfie would watch the kids at my house and they would come see the kids while he was here and I was gone.

Well first came the nasty comments, I went and privately messaged them asking what was going on, they posted back to a comment about how messy my house was and basically that they thought Kaeidyn wasn’t as smart as she could’ve been, “She doesn’t even know her colors!”. I’ve never been naive, I know for the rest of my life, everyone, especially in-laws, will question my parenting. That’s the joys of becoming a parent. I just hated that it had to be in such a public forum.

So then when a bunch of my friends and my sister defended me on Facebook, American went and sent them all private messages, explaining in detail just how horrible of a parent she considered me to be. And how much she wanted to call child welfare on me, and would suggest to them to do it. My friends and my sister (being my friends and my sister) all sent me the messages, wondering what the heck was going on. I simply cut contact, I wasn’t about to play the stupid game. I know in my heart that I’m doing what I need to be doing to keep my kids safe, healthy and in the best possible condition that I am capable of. I’m also pretty darn sure that I’d be aware of it if I wasn’t being good enough. But anywho…

We went a really really really long time without talking at all. They didn’t see the kids, there seemed to be no problems. I was all in that “Phew” state. And then it all came crashing down…

English’s daughter was coming to town (from England), and had never met any of the kids. It was my desire for my kids to meet their Dad’s sister, and it was Alfie’s desire too. I tried to put down the rule that as long as the people who called my kid stupid and bashed me publicly on Facebook weren’t involved. I was informed this was impossible. When Alfie freaked out, I went and said that if American and English could just apologize, it’d probably all be different. So Alfie was all like “No, it wouldn’t”, and my determination to always be right with Alfie completely screwed me over. I was dumb and went and said “Yes, it would!”. He goes and tells American and English this.

So then American (who wasn’t even the one who started the nasty comments), calls me up out of the blue looking to apologize. She wasn’t the one I was mad at, plus she really gave me no choice. Before she was even done the apology, she was already talking to the kids about coming to their house to meet their Auntie English. The kids were so excited about getting to meet someone from England, and too young to understand anything about disrespect, that I just gave in.

About three months ago, this all went down. English has still refused to have any contact with me at all, and last I heard thinks I’m this fat, loser, w with a h and an ore, so I’ve made no effort to talk to him. American now thinks we’re all buddy buddy and comes over often. I smile for the kids, because I don’t want to deprive them of any relationship with people that could potentially give them something great. I can’t let my own problems with people, interfere with my kids relationships (unless those relationships should harm them, and so far, I have no proof that American and English would harm my kids. Just their mother…).

Well today, American came over for one of her visits. Out of nowhere, she asks about my Dad. I haven’t really talked to my Dad for quite a long time. A bit of a sore subject for me. My Dad and I had a bit of a falling out, quite a long time ago, that I didn’t even find out about until almost 6 months later. I just thought maybe he couldn’t call me or something.

Then all of a sudden, I found out that it was because my Dad had heard about me going to a munch (a lunch get-together for kinky people – it was my very first, I haven’t been again since. Really want to, but 4 kids makes it incredibly hard), and was disgusted, so decided he wasn’t going to talk to me. I personally think it’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, my Dad knew years ago that I was into the kinky stuff, and often joked with me about. And then just one day, it disgusts him. I guess maybe because I was in public. Whatever… I’ve basically come to this decision about life that if people don’t like the way I live my life or the way that I am, than they’re not people I want as part of my life or part of who I am. So, whatever…

Turns out, all my enemies are like best friends. My step-mother, a truly evil woman who has damaged a handful of people, and American, who publicly bashed her step-grandchildren and their mother, talk on the phone all the time. American knew why my Dad and I haven’t been talking. She’s all up in my family’s business, and it ticks me off. It ticks me off even more that my evil step-mother (who hasn’t been welcome in my house for almost two years, and has nothing to do with me or my kids, ever. And I plan on keeping it that way for the rest of my life – because I’ve had proof that I need to protect my children from that harm), has an enemy eye into my household and the way it’s run… Argh…

This is the problem with my blogging. I never re-read what I write until way after I’ve published it. It defeats the purpose of my blogging. And I’ve officially RANTED hard about a subject, and now I’m gonna spend the rest of the night nervous about any of the people mentioned, freaking out about being mentioned in a blog. Even though out of all the people who probably come to my blog, the only people who would know who any of these people are, are probably the people themselves. I didn’t use anybody’s name though, so to any of those people who are mad about being mentioned in a blog, please don’t be. And to those who are mad, read This…

I was looking through pictures (all sorts of pictures) last night, and I came to a few realizations about a variety of things.

1. All my kids have grown SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much…

Past Present

Kaeidyn, 1 1/2 years old

Kaeidyn, 5 years old

Kenzie, 2 or 3 mths

Kenzie, 3 1/2 years old

Keirnan, 1 day old

Keirnan, 2 years old

Carter, 1 day old

Carter, 3 mths old


2. I looked hella rough after Carter was born…

Right After Labour

3 days later...

3. I seriously need to do something about my eyebrows…

Hardly see em...

4. I can’t wait to get my pre-baby body back…

Pre-Baby

Lil Bit Pregnant

Really Pregnant...

Post Baby Body

So, yesterday I was looking around on Amazon.com (which I’ve decided I don’t like as much as I did originally, because they don’t do PayPal – and I don’t have a credit card…), and started checking out the Wii. I’ve been wanting one since it came out, and I played a game of tennis (and kicked some serious butt!).

The Boyfriend and I are either bad or good (depends on how you look at it) at sort of pre-planning our bigger purchases. Though it’s not like this great plan, we’ve just kind of made a list of what gets purchased first and next and so on and so forth. It’s just a list, without any real plan whatsoever. For instance:

  1. Buy a Vacuum
    We did this. It was the number 1 thing we needed.
  2. Buy a Wii (with WiiFit Plus)
    Want it so bad, it’s our next big purchase
  3. Buy a Car
    The plan is to do this with a Profit Sharing check. YAY for Wal-Mart!
  4. Get a new deep freezer
    This is The Boyfriend’s desire, not mine. We have a perfectly good deep freeze, except for the fact that almost an entire months worth of food went bad, because it was unknowingly unplugged. So he just wants to get a new, tinier one.
  5. A new guitar for me…
    My old one, the one The Boyfriend bought me when we were first together for my birthday, my muse, is broken and I can’t fix it. So we’ve agreed, I eventually get a new one.
  6. 32″ Flat Screen TV
    Another one of The Boyfriend’s desires.  For some reason, one that I don’t quite understand, he wants a TV in our room. We’re almost never in our room for any length of time, let alone any time that it would be worth it to put a TV down there. But he’s been obsessed with the idea over the last couple of days.
  7. A Cell Phone
    When we first started dating, The Boyfriend went out and bought us both cellphones. I was going to his house alot and leaving Alfie at my house with the kids alot. He never had a land line, back then Alfie hated calling his phone, so he solved the problem by buying me my own cell phone.

    Well one day, I opened up my cellphone and the screen was just blank. And it stayed that way. I didn’t get it fixed, because it turned out I didn’t really need a cellphone. No one ever called me on it… Now I don’t know where my cellphone and he has no real use for a cellphone.  But we’ve discovered that when we go shopping or whatever, it would be great if we had a cellphone.

    There’s been times where Alfie’s had to send Mama T to pick Kaeidyn up from school, because The Boyfriend and I have been rushing back from grocery shopping and couldn’t call in time to let him know to get all the kids ready to go pick her up. Luckily he’s a generally smart guy, and figured out to call my Mom (even though it was only 10 minutes before Kaeidyn got off school).

  8. A new computer
    We keep saying we need to buy a new computer for The Boyfriend to run his games on, like World of Warcraft and Pirates of the Burning Sea. And I want a laptop for all the writing that I want to be doing, and all the research that I end up doing…

This stuff will probably take us a few years to acquire. As long as we have a Wii by summer (because I want to get my pre-baby body back, and I think that a Wii Fit will keep me motivated and I’ll want to do it because I love me some video games – I enjoy trying to beat everyone’s high score, it would be great competition for The Boyfriend and I. Muwhahahahahaha), and a car by next winter (profit sharing should be next month, so with any luck, it’ll be as soon as next month!), because eventually Alfie’s gonna get a job and not be able to walk Kaeidyn to school every morning, and then I’ll have to suffer through the freezing cold winters.

Kaeidyn has a full day of school today, which meant we had to send a lunch to school with her. Should be easy, right? Wrong. First, I don’t get paid until tomorrow, and I don’t touch The Boyfriend’s money without asking him first. And he’s sleeping, and I don’t even know if he has any money (I’m very determined to keep my financial independence and not force him to pick up Alfie’s slack), and I’m not gonna wake him up to ask. But anywho…

So then I find out yesterday, that I’m out of sandwich bags. Then to make matters worse, the last piece of bread got finished off late last night, and the english muffins went moldy. So all the things I needed for Kaeidyn to take for lunch, we didn’t have. For once, Alfie was useful in this department, and he had everything I didn’t, so lunch has been saved. But man was I ever stressing about it all morning. I even woke up early because of it!

Still have tons of cleaning to get done today. I’m probably gonna start that relatively soon. Hopefully I’ll actually get the revised edition of my to-do list done. And then tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. I have to walk downtown, then bus it back up to the North Side (haven’t been on a bus in almost 2 years), then I’ve got to do grocery shopping most likely solo, and then I’ve got to pile $500 worth of groceries (which doesn’t sound like alot, but somehow just around that – give or take a few dollars – feeds us for an entire month!) into a cab and then bring it all in the house as quickly as possible. Not looking forward to tomorrow… Oh well, what can you do?

Well today was a day to say the least. It felt incredibly long, mostly stressful and a tiny bit exhausting. Even though it was a “No School Day”, (which I swears happens more now than it did when I was in school) the kids were still up at 7:30 this morning. I always hate that, because I wish they would sleep in so bad on days off. Even just until 9 or something. So even though The Boyfriend said he’d wake up with the kids, Carter had woken up and I just chose to get out of bed instead of feeding him until he went back to sleep.

Around noon The Boyfriend went to bed, and Alfie came over shortly after that. The Boyfriend has issues with Alfie, just as Alfie has issues with The Boyfriend, and each of them have justifiable rights to their issues. After The Boyfriend and I’s talk about things last night, we both agreed that it would be best if Alfie had two days a week where he didn’t come over. He used to stay home at least two days a week, but that was also back when he was taking the kids on weekends. He hasn’t done that in a long time.

I’m not 100% sure why, as I often don’t understand Alfie, but he didn’t like this idea of lessening to 5 days a week, as opposed to 7. Threw a mini hissy fit, that I basically ignored. I hate it though, because he can make me feel like I’m taking the kids away from him, even when I’m just setting routine-type rules. Are there any other people who have kids with a guy that you were never married to, and aren’t with anymore, that comes over to your house every single day of the week? Alfie’s response to that, when I said that it’s not normal to have him here everyday of the week, was that it’s not normal to date and have a kid with his friend. I think in comparison, dating your exes friend is a lot more normal than visiting your ex whose with your friend daily!!!

After our mini disagreement, I decided I wanted to go for a nap. Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep a wink. I laid there wide awake for 3 1/2 hours. The Boyfriend was curled up behind me, sleeping away, and Carter was curled right into me, sleeping away. I was laying in the middle very frustrated that I couldn’t seem to sleep. It didn’t help that the three terrors were upstairs jumping off the furniture and that’s all you could hear downstairs.

I woke up and did dishes, which made all three of the kids unhappy, because I wouldn’t let them help. I was very much not in the mood to do dishes at all, but I’ve already skipped a couple days of doing dishes here and there, and I hate that I can’t complete such a simple goal. I’ve been kicking my butt hard about some of these things.

I’ve been trying so hard to get all my goals written out, and you would not believe how hard it is. I keep making these very broad statements about what I want, and I don’t think about the little steps it takes there. My big goal since quitting smoking is to “Get Healthy”. Unfortunately for me, it’s not as simple as just getting healthy. There’s a whole bunch of steps to being healthy, such as eating properly and being physically active. Of course, that just raises more questions than it answers when I haven’t, in my entire life, really been healthy. I don’t know where to begin or where to go from there.

Another goal, “Get your life under control”, that’s a really broad one. There are a thousand goals within that one goal, from creating a routine and sticking to it, to paying off debts, to being more of the mother that I want to be. It’s really difficult to narrow it down into manageable steps. Of course, there’s almost no good places to go for the manageable steps to these goals. It’s to each persons requirements and specifications. To each their own. I don’t know what it’s like to have a life that’s under control, how am I supposed to know what types of steps I need to take to do these things?

The Boyfriend and I have officially opened a can of worms that will not shut. I haven’t yet decided if I like this open can of worms or not, but since our little talk yesterday, it feels like that’s all we’ve been doing. He’s constantly seeking reassurance that I’m not going to break up with him (which is ironic, because I was sure he was going to break up with me). We discovered in all our back and forth rantings that we are stuck in a vicious circle, and it might just end up being this way for the rest of our lives. Maybe this is the vicious circle that all young parents go through, because Alfie and I went through much of the same thing. Except for about 100 times worse.

In the beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I made some serious mistakes that will forever affect the course of our relationship. He was the amazing boyfriend and I was the crappy girlfriend. We pushed through that. Now, according to him more than me, he’s the crappy boyfriend and I’m the amazing girlfriend. We’re just getting even. I figure it’ll level out in about 6 months, we’ll spend the next 6 months or so on an even level, where neither of us is good or bad, but instead we’re both just blissful. Then about 3 or 4 months later, we’ll start being crappy girlfriends and boyfriends again.

But the kids fell asleep in my bed, and I’m officially tired, so now it is time for me to move Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan from one bed to another. and crawl into bed with my grumpy Carter where I will drift off into a peaceful sleep *fingers crossed*.