Posts Tagged ‘Olympics’

I am sweating so bad!! I just did a 20 minute workout on Your Shape! I gave up after I got to a side plank and my right arm kept snapping underneath my weight. I tried modifying it by putting one knee bent on the ground (still in perfect form), but it was getting too hard for me to hold myself up.

I was literally dripping with sweat during my workout. I was a little disappointed, because I put in that I wanted to strengthen my abs, and it seemed to give me alot more leg workouts. So it was alot of squats, which I guess is good, but my legs aren’t really in need of that much work.

One of these days, probably after we get more batteries now, I’ll take a picture of myself now, with my measurements and then a couple months from now, when I get on a workout routine, I’ll put another full body picture up with the change in measurements. That could potentially be really fun or really embarrassing.

It seems like my knee, back and neck are all going to be hindrances in me completing whatever fitness goal it is that I have, which I think right now is just overall toning. I don’t really think I have any weight to lose, I’m 5’7″ in 136 lbs, and I don’t think that that is that bad. But I do need to tone what I have, at the very least, get a little bit of definition.

Today, The Boyfriend, Kaiedyn, Carter and I all went up to The Boyfriend’s Sister’s place. It was her twins birthday party, and we didn’t have enough room in the car for Kenzie and Keirnan, so it was a nice little half-a-family outing. Kaeidyn got to decorate cookies and she played with tons of kids. Kenzie and Keirnan stayed home with Alfie, and I suppose they had a good time. No complaints from anyone, so it was all good.

It was nice to get out of the house. It’s beginning to sound like it happens alot more than it used to, yet not as much as it did during the summer. I can’t wait for this summer and all our walking. Hopefully, by summer, we’ll have a vehicle of our own and we can all go to some of our favourite places around town here. Maybe even eventually venture out of town.

I think as long as The Boyfriend is working graveyards, we’ve pretty much got two days out of the week to work with, and even that’s pushing it. I hate complaining about his job, because I know that it makes him feel horrible for having the job, even though he had it before we got together. It seriously drives me nuts though that he’s gotta sleep during the day when I’m most active, and he can’t sleep next to me, and then spending extra time together cuts into his sleeping.

Like today, because we went to the birthday party and he didn’t want to leave me yet, he’s only getting about two hours of sleep before heading back to work. It sucks, and I wish he didn’t have to go to work and that way he could just sleep next to me and everything would be fine.

Mama T’s still out at the Olympics and her boyfriend came back into town a couple days back. Goober, my brother, has been avoiding going back to Mama T’s house as much as possible. Today, we went to the birthday party and told Goober he couldn’t be here while Alfie was here, as usual. Told him to come back after 4 PM, though we were getting home at 3. We pull up right at 3, and there he is, standing in the middle of our yard with his huge stick, looking like the town creep. Upon being told he looks like a creep, he says “I know, it’s fun!”. Not so much fun for me!

So the kids got put to bed tonight, and the boys thought it would be hilarious to spill their sippy cups all over their bed. This was after I got mad at them for screaming at the top of their lungs, while The Boyfriend was in the room next to them trying to get his two hours of shuteye. When I saw the sippy cup mess, I gave all the kids “the look”, and now they are laying down quietly. It only took me 15 minutes, which is better than the usual 45 minutes to an hour. Unless The Boyfriend or Alfie deal with it. At bed time, they just don’t listen to me usually.

Carter has been constantly hungry, or so it seems to me, especially at night time. I think my breast milk might be slowing down and he’s not getting enough in the normal amount of time for feedings. We normally go for almost an hour and a half, jumping back and forth between right and left breasts. It’s becoming more and more difficult to stay determined to breastfeed. It’s just so all encompassing, and sometimes I don’t feel like doing it. Even though I know I have to. Hopefully he’ll start solids soon, so that at least I can take a break every once and awhile.

Well that’s pretty much my day in a nutshell. Now it’s time to relax on the couch, watch TV and feed my hungry, teething baby. My head hurts after my workout, so maybe I’ll take one or two tylenol and call it a night shortly after The Boyfriend leaves for work.

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….