Posts Tagged ‘Music’

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch today, and I was feeding Carter and commented on Carter’s feet. Since the day he was born, his big toe separates from his other toes. There’s a huge gap there. Tonight, we were looking closer, and the toe next to big toe, curves. He literally has these little bird feet.

I took him for a bath today, and that was a gong show. Now that he’s figured out how to roll from his back to his stomach, he kept rolling over in the bath. Normally, he loves taking baths and kicks and squirms and squeals. Today, he didn’t like that bath at all. I laid him down in it, he starts screaming. Then he rolls over, start screaming more. Needless to say, it was an extremely quick bath.

Keirnan, the wonderful, curious little brat that he is, was horrible today. Most of the morning he was fussy, then in the afternoon when I started some cleaning, he was literally right underneath of me the entire time, and then right before dinner he goes downstairs, not completely uncommon of him. He goes down there to play with his cars alot, so naturally I assume that’s what he’s doing. Though I think it’s mighty odd that it’s time for me to cook dinner, and he’s nowhere around.

So I go downstairs to check on him, and I get to about the fourth step from the bottom, and find a HUGE pile of laundry soap dumped all over the floor. He’s sitting there with his hands all in it. This is after emptying the toilet onto the bathroom floor the other day. He’s just getting into everything.

With the older two, when they were this age, we lived on a single floor of a two-bedroom apartment. There weren’t many places the two of them could go to get into much trouble. Keirnan on the other hand, has two floors, three rooms and a downstairs bathroom to get into!

Kenzie and Kaeidyn have both been getting really into games lately. I wake up to Kaeidyn and Kenzie playing Lego: Star Wars. Less than an hour later, Kenzie’s asking if him and Kaeidyn could play the Wii together. After they get kicked off the Wii for arguing so much, they both come and play together on the computer.

I’m scared to see what my kids are going to be like as they age. They’re so over-stimulated. Electronics like rule their life. I wish my childhood would’ve been more like that. All the things I wanted to know when I was younger, would’ve been right at my fingertips. I tell you though, I would’ve been one smart and very cocky SOB.

I was trying to fix the bluriness of my TV today, and we have my guitar in it’s case behind one of three DVD shelves (I know, ridiculous). So I’m screwing around back there, and had to pull my guitar out. I miss my guitar so much. I seriously need to invest in a new one. Or some sort of musical instrument. It’s driving me nuts not playing. And I’ve been coming up with so many good little ditties, and I would love to be putting some of them down.

This morning was pretty awesome. I finally got a sleep in day. Still not a very late sleep in, only 10 AM. But at 9, I called The Boyfriend to take Carter upstairs, so I could sleep by myself for an hour. I slept incredibly soundly, and it felt so good. The Boyfriend even got a pretty good sleep in today, and I had no problems whatsoever getting him out of bed. I went down said “It’s 7 o’clock, dinner’s ready and coffees percolating” and he jumped up out of bed, curious what was for dinner. He always asks and I never tell him 😉

I even went out of my way to cuddle with him today. It was more or less pointed out to me the other night, that it takes being intimate to receive intimacy. If I don’t cuddle him, he won’t cuddle me. If I don’t make sexual advances at him, he won’t do it to me. It’s very give and take, and I’ve, in a way, been taking without alot of give. So I think it’s officially a goal to change that.

I’m also happy to report that I finally got a decent Wii Fitness Age. I’m officially only at 26!!! The lowest I had gotten before that was 29, and I know you’re thinking “Well 3 years isn’t that much”, but that means that I’m 3 years closer to my actual age. That’s exciting being that the oldest I’ve been is 78!!!

So that’s my day in a nutshell! How was yours?

Advertisements

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

Listen to Brand New

Listen to Brand New

Play “Brand New”

I was screwing around with Audacity and Fruity Loops 9 tonight, and came up with this little ditty. It’s just a sample, but I hope you enjoy it anyways.

Let me know what you think by dropping me a comment, or e-mail me at UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com. Enjoy!

Lyrics to Brand New by Valerie Rayne:

I woke up this morning
It was snowing
And I felt alive
I looked  the window
It was glowing
And everything just felt alright

So I, woke up this morning
And it felt good
Not something I’m used to
So I woke up this morning
To the snowy sunlight
And I felt brand new

Ba da ba da da, I woke up this morning
Ba da ba da da, It was snowing
Ba da ba da da, I looked out my window
Ba da ba da da, It was glowing

And I felt brand new

So I’ve finally accomplished some things today. First thing this morning, I started working on The Other Rantings of a Tortured Mind (be warned – there is content of a mature nature on this site and should only be viewed by those over the age of 18). Then I went and dropped my paperwork off downtown and went grocery shopping (thank you Aunty ;)).

Shopping was pretty uneventful for the most part. They didn’t have alot of the things that I went for, so it ended up being a $170 grocery shop, as opposed to the original $500 I had set out for. Ran into Alfie’s parents, first time in a year and a half that I had contact with English. They were very nice and gave me a ride home from shopping.

Alfie came over shortly after I got home. He had fixed Kenzie’s Lego Star Wars game, so Kenzie was right into that. After a very delicious lunch, and putting all the groceries away, I asked Alfie if he’d watch the kids while I took a nap. So I got about an hour and a half nap, which helped so much. I felt so exhausted before, and woke up in a pretty decent mood.

I made some dinner, and I’ve been working on blog stuff ever since. Over the next month or so, you’ll see massive changes around this Rantings and you’ll also start seeing updates on The Other Rantings. It’s being a really creative month.

We were going to these last couple days off that The Boyfriend had, but instead we’re going to do it on the next, go over to my Mom’s house. Since my guitar is broken, I’m going to use her boyfriend’s guitar and I’m going to lay down some tracks and hopefully have some of my songs up on the blog by the end of the month. I’ve been craving some play time and would love to share my stuff with everyone.

You can find some of my stuff online already, but I’d like to put all of it up and present a real quality product out of it. Most of the recordings I do have online were experimentations or goofing around, so it’s not of the best quality. And I’m a bit of a perfectionist 😉

So Kaeidyn’s been practicing her rhyming like crazy. Her teacher hopes to have all the kids rhyming by the end of the year, though she says it’s not part of normal kindergarten curriculum. I personally love it. We’ve been reading her Dr. Seuss books almost every night, and at first she didn’t understand the concept of rhyming. She thought it meant putting things that go together. You’d say “Pig” and she’d say “Farm”, you’d say “Cat” and she’d say “Food”. Now she’s starting to do “Cup” and “Pup”, or “Cat” and “Mat”. I’m pretty proud of her for picking it up so fast.

She’s also started some games based on her speech therapy. She’s working right now on saying her “s” sounds and “sh” sounds. Prior to kindergarten, I never noticed she had any problems with either of those sounds. Once it was pointed out to me, it all became very noticeable. They’ve been working really hard with her in school, and we’ve been practicing all the time at home.

At first she was getting so annoyed sitting with Alfie or I, and saying “SHirt”, “SHape”, “SNake”, “SNare”, over and over and over again. Awhile back, The Boyfriend and I had bought a “Guess What I Am” game. The game comes with a checklist that has check boxes and little pictures. So now, she sits there with her checklist and she makes us repeat after her. When she gets it right, we say it after her. When she gets it wrong, we make her say it again. She goes “Is it shirts or shirts?”, saying it wrong the first time and saying it right the second time. Sometimes she’ll say it wrong both times and that’s when the correction comes in. It’s been working, she’s practicing every day, and she’s improving.

So that’s the Rantings of today then…

So I have nothing seriously of interest to blog about today. It was a day, just like every other day. Nothing epic happened, kids did pretty much the same thing they do everyday. But, I did listen to some pretty epic music today. I’ve gone on a bit of a spree and have been downloading and listening to music like crazy. I’m broadening my horizons once again.

I was reminded of a song that moves me. Not so much the song itself, but the lyrics are incredible. I wrote essays about the song in high school, and I had forgotten about it for a really long time. Re-discovered it today, listened to it and fell in love all over again. So today, I thought I’d share the lyrics with you… *Smile*

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would’ve done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s  clouds illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus clowns
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Well people, sadly, I have officially given up on the 31 Days to  Build a Better Blog challenge. Upon receiving my 13th day task, I have come to the ultimate decision that 31DBBB is more for people who have a blog already established.

For instance, yesterday’s task was to focus on my current readers by e-mailing at least one. Well there’s a dilemma there right now. I’ve only received spam comments (if they weren’t spam comments, I’m sorry for deleting them. Askimet put them in my spam folder and I am automatically suspicious of everything that goes into a spam folder), I’ve had no subscriptions to the newsletter (sign up by clicking the button to the right). While I know that The Boyfriend and Mama T (my Mom) are reading this, I don’t need to reach out to them by e-mail, when I talk to them both in person almost every single day.

I’m not giving up completely on the 31DBBB challenge either. I’m just giving up on it until I have some readers and it looks like this blog is going somewhere other than just for my own fun. Until then I’ll just keep doing the NaBloPoMo thing (which I’m finding incredibly easy, especially now that I’ve gotten rid of the other challenge – I suppose, the real challenge).

So I had an “I feel like such a bad Mom” moment this morning. Today was Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day at school. On her Sparkle Day, she gets to take in a toy or something else that she feels like showing off, basically show and tell. She gets to pick one boy and one girl to ask a question about what she brought in. Then either we, the parents, or the teacher (if the parent’s don’t go) read Kaeidyn’s Love Note to the class. We, the parents, wrote the Love Note which has reasons why we all treasure Kaeidyn as part of her family. Another plus to Sparkle Day is she gets to be the special class helper, which she loves because she gets to spend extra time standing next to the teacher.

This morning, I wasn’t even thinking about checking the school calendar, and I hadn’t had a chance to hang up the calendar that I just printed off last night, so I forgot completely about Sparkle Day. She went to school without anything to show and tell about, and it only really super sucked because she’s got tons of new things from Christmas that I’m sure she would’ve loved to show off. I didn’t realize until it was already too late. Needless to say, she got home and the first thing she said to me was “Mom, you forgot my Sparkle Day. Next time, can you not forget my Sparkle Day!”, I felt so bad 😦 Luckily, she’s a very forgiving child.

So then we had planned a McDonald’s day with Mama T. About once a month, we try to take all the kids to the McDonald’s Play Place, and let them go nutty. Today was even more difficult than usual, as we had The Boyfriend and Carter with us, so we had to do two trips to get to McDonald’s and two trips to get home.

The best part about the day, for me anyways, was when I asked Mama T if The Boyfriend and I could take the car and grab some stuff from Wal-Mart. Even though we had to take Carter, I felt like it was the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a long time. It was probably only because I was outside of the house and I feel like it’s been an incredibly long time since that last happened.

Tonight, I have to cut the kids hair. I hate it!! I really do suck at cutting the kids hair. I’ve butchered the kids hair, especially Kaeidyn’s so many times, it’s ridiculous. If it wasn’t for the fact that Kaeidyn is in school, and cares about her appearance, I’d just keep butchering it. So I cheat, I don’t actually cut anything more than their bangs. I hate that too though, because Kaeidyn’s hair is all different lengths (and not in the good way), Kenzie’s left side is longer than his right. I was planning on taking them to a professional, but their bangs can’t wait until I can set it all up. I bought new hair cutting sciscors today, so hopefully it’ll go alright enough.

Then I got these little tiny elastics (that will be perfect for Kaeidyn’s fine hair), so after hair cuts (and baths, unfortunately), I’ll be putting little braids all throughout Kaeidyn’s hair. I can’t wait to see what she looks like with a full head of crimpy/wavy hair. One day, I’m gonna do my whole head in braids.

Me and Two Kids

So, Mama T’s been reading my blog, and for the first time (probably since the day of my birth), I truly thought my Mom had some rather intelligent advice. And can you believe that it was advice about my blog?!?!? Her advice (not in these exact words) is that I had to give more praise for the Mom’s all around the world that do this same job as me, and those that struggle just as much, if not more than I do.

My Mom, for the better majority of my life, raised me all by herself and she seemed to do a much better job (in alot of areas) than I do most of the time. My Mom was/has been very instrumental in raising  my kids, being there for me through some of the roughest parts in my parenting journey thus far. She suggested, in her advice about my blog, to do a post much like what I’m going to do in a few minutes. I would save it for Mothers’ Day or something, but I have it on my mind right now. Sometimes, my Mom forgets how much I appreciate her, because sometimes, not only do I forget to tell her and show her, but she has two other kids who often forget too.

My Mom taught me ALOT of things throughout my life. All the parts of my parenting that I think are really good, are mostly thanks to my Mom’s nagging. She’s always had high expectations for me, but can you blame her? I clearly have a great amount of potential 😉 So here goes… This one’s for you Mom, Cheers!

Things My Mother Did or Said That Changed My Life… FOREVER!

  1. She gave birth to me!
    Without this, I would’ve never been born 😉 And then you wouldn’t be able to read these particular Rantings.
  2. Divorced my Dad
    No offense to either of my parents, but honestly, this was one of those divorces that made me more happy than sad. The only part I hated about my parents divorce, truly hated, was when my Mom first started dating other people.

    I’m sure Tiny (yes that was his name, Tiny. And he was one of the tallest, bulky men I’ve ever seen. Not really Tiny, but I guess it was cool or something…) was a really nice guy. He tried really hard with us kids, buying me a Toronto sweater when he went there and getting a friend of his to paint a jean jacket with a horse for me. But I didn’t want my Mom to date…

  3. Bought me Jasmine
    In 1995, we lived here in Red Deer, and my parents were seperated. Mom and Dad (at that time, better known as Santa) bought me this beautiful doll. I’ve been obsessed with dolls since I was young, but Jasmine was completely different.

    Her hair was dark, short and super curly. Her lips bright as cherries. Her eyelashes were long, and her eyes closed when she laid down. She was probably about two feet tall. This doll, undoubtably changed my life forever.

    She was ruined almost immediately after I got her. She was one of those dolls you could take for a bath and then leave in the bath and she would drain out. So I took her for a bath. I let her curly hair dry, and didn’t even think about what would happen when I tried to brush it. The next day, her hair was knotted, so we took a dog brush to it. Almost all her hair came out. Then I painted her nails (and did a bad job, I might add), and then I pierced her ears, her eyelashes started falling out.

    At that time in my life, I diagnosed all my dolls with diseases and often saved them from traumatic, life-threatening health issues. I gave Charisma, one of my smaller dolls, a brain transplant after she got a brain tumor. Jasmine, unfortunately, had contracted the worst disease of all.

    Lacrosse (yes, that’s how I spelt it. It was pronounced La-Chrose. I didn’t realize and neither did anyone else, until about 2 years after the diagnoses that my word was actually the word for the sport), was ultimately what ended Jasmine, and I tell myself this 14 years later. Just so everyone knows, I still have Jasmine, in a storage box in Swan Hills. Lacrosse was a devastating disease, causing her to stop breathing upbruptly, “causing” the loss of her hair and eyelashes, and eventually “causing” the loss of her arm. After she lost her arm, she started looking a bit like Chucky, and was more scary than cute, and so the closet became her new home.

    Jasmine and I were best of friends. I would spend every cent I made on her, often taking her on trips to Value Village and buying her a brand new outfit or bathing suit or earrings. She was my number one doll and she changed my life. Thanks to her and her made up disease, she taught me compassion and unconditional love.

  4. Held me and told me it was okay
    This one seems obvious right? Some of the biggest memories I have of my Mom were just of her holding me and telling me it was alright. Again, here in Red Deer, 1995. I was in Grade 2, at the school my daughter now attends, and I had entered the school talent show upon the insistence of my teacher.

    I get up on stage, after weeks of hardcore practice. Mama T loves telling this story. I practiced everywhere, in my sleep, on the toilet, everywhere! So the first microphone, doesn’t work. The second, not turned on. Finally the third works. All the time I had practiced, I had practiced with a tape recording. On stage, I had a live piano accompaniment… That I didn’t recognize.

    I completely butchered Somewhere Over the Rainbow. After singing, and having my skin turn the same color as the many bright floral patterns on my dress, I quickly walked off stage, into my Mom’s arms where I cried for the rest of the talent show. She just kept holding me and telling me it was alright.

    Or when I was probably 11 or so, and we lived in Salmon Arm. Every year, the school we attended had this huge barbecue. One of the things that all the kids loved was getting to dunk the principal. If you didn’t dunk him after throwing the ball three times, you got to run up and use your hands to push the button which would release his chair and everyone would laugh hysterically as he fell.

    My turn came up, and I missed with the ball every time. I’m double jointed and my elbows don’t bend the right way. Don’t ask me exactly how, because I can’t explain it. One day, I’ll take a picture and put it up. To this day, I still can’t do push ups properly because of it. Plus I’ve always had incredibly weak arms. So I run up to go push the button so that I can make the crowd laugh hysterically as the principal splashes about in the cold water of the tank. Instead, my arms give as I push with all my strength and the big wooden button comes smashing back in my face.

    I walked with a huge grin all the way back to my Mom, who opened her arms, as I quickened my pace and fell into them. She held me and told me it would be okay, as the pain slowly subsided from my already swelling nose. Suprisingly I didn’t break my nose at all.

  5. Moved to Red Deer
    I never wanted to come here. I never wanted to leave BC. I was born in BC and I lived all the best years of my life in BC. But Alberta had all the jobs, and Mama T needs a job. Without a job, my Mom feels useless. So we moved to Red Deer…

    Moving to Red Deer completely changed everything about my life. First, I met Alfie. Then I landed in a mental institution. Then I had Kaeidyn and went through the post partum depression. Then I landed in another mental institution and then I had Kenzie. I had Keirnan and next came the break up with Alfie. After that came The Boyfriend and Carter. Thankfully my Mom’s been here every step of the way, or I don’t think I would’ve survived Red Deer!!

  6. Held my hand during labour
    With Kaeidyn, my Mom was with me until I got wheeled down for my c-section. With Kenzie and Keirnan both, she was the only one there and held my hand and let me almost break her fingers. She was the first person (other than the doctor) that got to hold both Kenzie and Keirnan and the second with Kaeidyn. My Mom was the best support person during labour ever though. Especially when I was begging for drugs or another c-section. She seemed to know just what to say to piss me off enough to push that baby out of me!!!
  7. Forced me to sing
    It wasn’t forcing in a mean way. It was Mama T’s personal brand of encouragement. She’d keep me up late, just so she could hear me play one of my songs, just one more time. After I started playing guitar and singing at the same time, she’d make me play for all her friends.

    I used to hate it with a passion. Especially being that I don’t appreciate my talents very much. I always think I could do better. My Mom, on the other hand, always appreciated my talent, and she always knew other people would too. After a few years of having her “force” me to play for her friends or our family, I’m finally comfortable enough to record my own stuff and let other people hear it, or in some cases play in front of other people. I got up the courage this summer to play outside alot, not to anyone, but outside where others could hear. That’s pretty exciting for me.

    If Mama T hadn’t encouraged me so much, I probably would’ve given up on the music thing after the talent show fiasco…

  8. Mama T told me that I am the only voice for my children
    This was the most empowering things my Mom ever said to me. Alfie and I had broken up when I was pregnant with Kenzie. It was a very tumultuous time, and Alfie had been threatening to take the kids away. Then he wanted me to let him have visitational rights. So I told him he could, but it would have to be supervised. He didn’t like that idea at all. I often thought about going back on it, even though I didn’t think it was what was best for Kaeidyn.

    Mama T made it very clear to me, that at 1 1/2, Kaeidyn didn’t have the ability to say for herself that it wasn’t what she wanted. Kaeidyn didn’t know what was best for her and what wasn’t. It was my responsibility to be her voice and to protect her at all costs.  That was the biggest, most important parenting advice I ever received. You are 100% accountable for your kids, especially when they’re under the age of understanding!

There’s alot more that I could write here, because my Mom’s been the biggest influence in my life. It’s either a good thing or a bad thing. I’ll go with the former, because I think I’m a pretty good person overall. So what’s the point, what did she teach me?

  1. Tell your kids you love them everyday
  2. Hold your kids and never let them go
  3. Protect the ones you love
  4. Never give up on your dreams
  5. Be the voice for your young children
  6. Treat others with kindness and respect
  7. Be compassionate
  8. Work harder, because you have the potential to do better
  9. Look at a story from every angle so you can make your own decision on what’s the truth and what’s not
  10. My kids are my priority and my responsibility – an obvious one, but one that I’ve needed pointed out to me on more than one occasion (sadly…)

So there you have it, The Ten Teachings of Mama T. You better recognize! Love ya Mom, thanks for being my number one fan. Happy Not Mothers Day to all you other Mom’s out there.

What did your Mom teach you when you were growing up? How did she change your life? Do you parent your kids like your Mom did with you, or do you do the exact opposite, or do you try to find a healthy balance between the two? Leave a comment, or send me an e-mail (UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com) about your Mom and her life teachings.

Today is being a taxing day on my entire being. I feel overly exhausted for no real reason, I’m not motivated to do anything. I just want to go soak in a nice hot bath and read a book, turn my music up real loud and veg by myself.

I feel like a bit of a one-man-show right now, even though both my kids Dad’s are still in the picture and are here everyday to some extent or another. Carter tends to be a huge mama suck, that and I think that I’m officially starting to “dry up”, because I feel like every second he’s awake (unless The Boyfriend’s awake and can distract him), he’s breastfeeding.

I never really got the opportunity to breastfeed my other kids. With Kaeidyn, I had gotten an infection from the c-section so bad that it affected my breastmilk. She wouldn’t drink it at all. Kenzie got a short amount of time breastfeeding, but within 2 or 3 weeks, after he didn’t gain any significant weight, I dried up completely and had to switch to formula. Keirnan was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and for the first week or two, I was pumping as often as I could. He was being fed through a tube in his nose, so breastfeeding wasn’t possible. By the end of his hospital stay, they were adding so much nutritional supplements to my breastmilk that it seemed more logical to switch to formula.

Carter on the other hand, has had no problem with the breastfeeding whatsoever. He’s gained a really good amount of weight, he latched without much problem, I only had a day or two of sore nipples (as opposed to Kenzie, where the entire time I was breastfeeding was painful, and my nipples constantly cracked), so it’s been a rather pleasurable experience. Though these last two days, it seems incredibly overwhelming.

When I do get him off my boob, I generally want to “play” on the computer. By play, I mean blog and check out other blogs and look into whatever catches my interest for the day. Though what I should be doing is cleaning, but I’m getting so sick of that.

I’m what they call a “Slacker Mom”, I like that alot more than the alternative “Bad Mom”. My house isn’t immaculate, I don’t brush my kids teeth every night, I don’t include all of the four food groups in our meals. I think I do pretty good, but I wouldn’t put myself in the Great Mom category, because I have much higher standards than this.

I’ve been doing dishes every single day, which was one of my goals for this year. I’ve even been getting the kids to help. Kaeidyn washes all the silverware (and does a suprisingly good job), Keirnan likes to “wash” the dishes too (really he just pours water and in and out of things), and he likes to help cook dinner (which has resulted in burning his hand twice, neither time very badly. First it was the oven while making cupcakes and he touched the front of it. I kept telling him No, but he wouldn’t listen. The second time, I was boiling potatoes on the stove, again I told him it was hot and the he shouldn’t touch it, but I guess curiousity burns the monkey, so he touches the side of the pot, cried for 5 seconds, and then was okay the rest of the night). Kenzie isn’t much of a helper at all, he would rather play his games. But I’ve been calling him up before dinner, and his job is to wipe down the table (he doesn’t do such a good job at it, but at least he gets it all wet so that it’s easier for me to clean off ;)).

So then I try to make dinner in as short of a time as possible, because I really don’t like being in my kitchen. Firstly, there’s three kids running around that I’m constantly tripping over. Then I normally have to have Carter out there with me, either in the Snugli (which is more annoying than I can even explain, when you’re trying to wash dishes or cook a meal!) or in his bouncy chair, which he still hasn’t gotten to the point of really liking. Like I said, he’s a mama suck. He likes to be held and if he’s not being held, he’s normally not happy. I seriously don’t know how we have so many happy pictures of him, because I almost never feel like he’s being happy.

I keep forgetting how exhausting and overwhelming it is to do this job. And I was so naive, the first couple of weeks Carter was home, I kept going off to everyone about how it feels like it gets easier with each kid you add on.

I remember with Kaeidyn, being so overwhelmed, that I’d close her in our bedroom, and I’d sit outside the door bawling my eyes out, begging her to just stop crying. Then Kenzie came along, and things bothered me much less. Keirnan coming home was just about the easiest thing ever. The older two kids helped out so much, especially Kaeidyn. Even the first couple of weeks that Carter came home (back when The Boyfriend was on paternity leave), were really easy. Everyone was helping out. Now that The Boyfriend’s gone back to work, and Kaeidyn’s back in school, it just seems so intense.

I feel like I go all day, and never stop. I used to get to join The Boyfriend on naps during the day. Or taking a bath, I used to get to go for baths. This actually involves a short explanation. I try my hardest not to shower. I have an issue with my knees. The doctors are calling it Osgood-Shlatter Disease, though I personally disagree with the diagnoses altogether.

According to The Mayo Clinic, Osgood-Shlatter Diesease can affect children going through puberty. It is most commonly seen in those who particpate in sports that involve running, jumping, and swift changes in direction – such as soccer, basketball, figure skating and ballet. The disease typically occurs in boys age 13 to 14 and girl age 11-12.

I know, you’re probably laughing hysterically. I’m definitely not 11 or 12 (though I miss those days and sometimes wish I could have them back), I don’t participate in any sports. And the last time I participated in sports, was Grade 6 basketball. I haven’t done any running or soccer or basketball and definitely not figure skating! I don’t even walk very often!

Whatever it is, standing up in the shower, causes me serious pain. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t recovered from whatever it was that Carter did to my hip while I was pregnant with him. So I stand in the shower, and I get shooting pains going down from my hip and up from my toes, all headed in the direction of my knee. I’ve got a heating blanket, I’ve got knee braces (the tensor bandage kind) and I’ve Rub-A-535, all of which don’t do anything but provide moments of relief. Quick, short, almost not even worth it, relief. So I keep my showers to an absolute minimum and try to stick more to baths to save my knees. I can’t actually remember when the last time for sure was my last bath or shower, I know it’s been less than a week, more than two days. I hate that!

I don’t mean to complain, because I wouldn’t give any of this up for anything, but I just can’t believe I keep forgetting the depth of how overwhelming it really is. Does anyone else find being a stay-at-home Mom an incredibly hard job? Do you think it’s just as tough for Mom’s who work, or are they lucky because they get to leave for awhile and take a break (I personally agree with that, and that is exactly the reason why I can’t wait to get  back to work or school or something!)? Anyone have any bad experiences with breastfeeding, or was it a relatively easy job?

Just to let everyone know, I am working really hard on today’s tasks for Problogger, when I can. I’m having a really hard time keeping my focus on reading other people’s blogs when the kids are climbing all over the furniture and making messes left, right and center. I’m hoping I’ll get it done by the end of the night (especially being that 3 out of 4 kids are leaving in about 2 hours to go watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs at the theatre with their grandparents, and The  Boyfriend doesn’t work tonight), so I’m hoping in a couple hours I’ll get creatively productive.

Prior to that, I need to:

  • Do the dishes
  • Do some laundry
  • Get the floor in the living room clean for the umpteenth time this week
  • Change the garbage in the  bathroom