Posts Tagged ‘Motivation’

We were doing so good
We were making such strides
We had kicked the addiction
We were changing our lives

I don’t want to whine, I really don’t. The Boyfriend and I agreed to a cheat day a couple days back, and bought a pack of smokes. We had both been complaining about wanting a smoke. As I’ve said, it seems harder to not smoke now than it did for the first three weeks. Our cheat pack lasted one day…

So then the next day, we bought another pack which only lasted a day. Today was a two pack day (that were bought, we’ve smoked one so far :() And seriously, I hate it. I want to go back to the way I felt when I wasn’t smoking. I’m still just considering it cheating.

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, and I said “I think starting Saturday, I’m not buying anymore smokes”, and he goes “Really?” as if he was disappointed. All along, I had thought that he was so upset that I had given in, and that he was loving the quitting. So I say “You want to keep smoking?!?!”,  and he goes “We’re chasing the wagon. I figure as long as we never go over a pack a day.”

It feels like crap. We were doing so very good. Those first three weeks, I was managing any possible cravings I had (put on 7″ in the process, but I blame that partially on quitting but more on breastfeeding), though it wasn’t for the smoke that I was having a craving. It was for the exhale. That’s always been my favourite part of smoking. Exhaling and watching the smoke blow out my mouth, feeling like all the problems are going with it. That, and I love the way I look exhaling 😉 It feels very french retro.

After the first three weeks, it seemed like at least once a day, everyday, I would be seriously craving a smoke. I’d start thinking about it, then I’d start talking about it. Then I started bumming a smoke or two a day off Alfie, and then came the day of the cheat pack…

It just makes me feel really hopeless about all the other goals that I had set for myself, and made me realize how many of those goals I’ve also given up on.

  • Doing dishes everyday.
    The Boyfriend had 3 days off, and I didn’t do more than what was needed for meals every night. So 5 plates, 5 forks, and whatever cookery we used for the meal.
  • Lifting my weight everyday
    I was doing awesome. I think I did a week and a half straight. Then The Boyfriend bought me the stability ball and resistance band (and the vacuum so I could put the stability ball on the floor without fear of it popping), and I haven’t lifted weights a day since. The Boyfriend’s been doing it on and off, even doing push ups and on the days that he doesn’t lift weights, he does 25 presses with Carter whose about 13 pounds.
  • Vacuuming everyday
    I’ve vacuumed twice. Both times were delightful experiences. I just haven’t had an ounce of energy to do it. The kids were doing really good keeping their toys downstairs for about a week, and it was easy to clean the living room then. Now, they’ve started bringing everything up here, and it’s just easier to leave it than clean it!

This week has been a week of disappointments. I had so many plans for this week, and I didn’t accomplish a single one of them. Even The Boyfriend, who works graveyards, and sleeps during the day, got more done than I did.

I had planned to go grocery shopping yesterday, but then we got busy around the house and so I said I would do it today. Today rolled around, and it was cold outside, so I’ve put it off for another day. I finally buckled and called my aunt for a ride downtown to drop all my paperwork off, even though my original plan was to walk down, take a bus back. But I guess I’m too much of a diva for that or something…

I wish it was just easy to become motivated, and be less lazy. You’d think that it would  be so simple. Just get off your butt. For some reason, for alot of reasons maybe, it just seems so hard! I feel very stumped, like I’ve hit a brick wall. I hope I figure something out, I think it’s time for another re-evaluation…

So question: Kenzie’s been out of control with the asking about games. I swear all I really heard from him today was “Can I play a game yet?”, and every single time it got whinier and whinier. At one point, I was sure that only dogs could hear the pitch he was reaching…

Saying “Wait” seemed to work for a better portion of the day. “Just wait a minute, Kenzie” and it would buy us about an hour of silence. Is it horrible to continually tell your kids to wait? It feels like it’s being mean, but “No” causes a horrendous fit, giving in means he’s on the games all day long, wait buys time in between the ever annoying question.

Well time to feed the baby…

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I was looking through pictures (all sorts of pictures) last night, and I came to a few realizations about a variety of things.

1. All my kids have grown SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much…

Past Present

Kaeidyn, 1 1/2 years old

Kaeidyn, 5 years old

Kenzie, 2 or 3 mths

Kenzie, 3 1/2 years old

Keirnan, 1 day old

Keirnan, 2 years old

Carter, 1 day old

Carter, 3 mths old


2. I looked hella rough after Carter was born…

Right After Labour

3 days later...

3. I seriously need to do something about my eyebrows…

Hardly see em...

4. I can’t wait to get my pre-baby body back…

Pre-Baby

Lil Bit Pregnant

Really Pregnant...

Post Baby Body

So, yesterday I was looking around on Amazon.com (which I’ve decided I don’t like as much as I did originally, because they don’t do PayPal – and I don’t have a credit card…), and started checking out the Wii. I’ve been wanting one since it came out, and I played a game of tennis (and kicked some serious butt!).

The Boyfriend and I are either bad or good (depends on how you look at it) at sort of pre-planning our bigger purchases. Though it’s not like this great plan, we’ve just kind of made a list of what gets purchased first and next and so on and so forth. It’s just a list, without any real plan whatsoever. For instance:

  1. Buy a Vacuum
    We did this. It was the number 1 thing we needed.
  2. Buy a Wii (with WiiFit Plus)
    Want it so bad, it’s our next big purchase
  3. Buy a Car
    The plan is to do this with a Profit Sharing check. YAY for Wal-Mart!
  4. Get a new deep freezer
    This is The Boyfriend’s desire, not mine. We have a perfectly good deep freeze, except for the fact that almost an entire months worth of food went bad, because it was unknowingly unplugged. So he just wants to get a new, tinier one.
  5. A new guitar for me…
    My old one, the one The Boyfriend bought me when we were first together for my birthday, my muse, is broken and I can’t fix it. So we’ve agreed, I eventually get a new one.
  6. 32″ Flat Screen TV
    Another one of The Boyfriend’s desires.  For some reason, one that I don’t quite understand, he wants a TV in our room. We’re almost never in our room for any length of time, let alone any time that it would be worth it to put a TV down there. But he’s been obsessed with the idea over the last couple of days.
  7. A Cell Phone
    When we first started dating, The Boyfriend went out and bought us both cellphones. I was going to his house alot and leaving Alfie at my house with the kids alot. He never had a land line, back then Alfie hated calling his phone, so he solved the problem by buying me my own cell phone.

    Well one day, I opened up my cellphone and the screen was just blank. And it stayed that way. I didn’t get it fixed, because it turned out I didn’t really need a cellphone. No one ever called me on it… Now I don’t know where my cellphone and he has no real use for a cellphone.  But we’ve discovered that when we go shopping or whatever, it would be great if we had a cellphone.

    There’s been times where Alfie’s had to send Mama T to pick Kaeidyn up from school, because The Boyfriend and I have been rushing back from grocery shopping and couldn’t call in time to let him know to get all the kids ready to go pick her up. Luckily he’s a generally smart guy, and figured out to call my Mom (even though it was only 10 minutes before Kaeidyn got off school).

  8. A new computer
    We keep saying we need to buy a new computer for The Boyfriend to run his games on, like World of Warcraft and Pirates of the Burning Sea. And I want a laptop for all the writing that I want to be doing, and all the research that I end up doing…

This stuff will probably take us a few years to acquire. As long as we have a Wii by summer (because I want to get my pre-baby body back, and I think that a Wii Fit will keep me motivated and I’ll want to do it because I love me some video games – I enjoy trying to beat everyone’s high score, it would be great competition for The Boyfriend and I. Muwhahahahahaha), and a car by next winter (profit sharing should be next month, so with any luck, it’ll be as soon as next month!), because eventually Alfie’s gonna get a job and not be able to walk Kaeidyn to school every morning, and then I’ll have to suffer through the freezing cold winters.

Kaeidyn has a full day of school today, which meant we had to send a lunch to school with her. Should be easy, right? Wrong. First, I don’t get paid until tomorrow, and I don’t touch The Boyfriend’s money without asking him first. And he’s sleeping, and I don’t even know if he has any money (I’m very determined to keep my financial independence and not force him to pick up Alfie’s slack), and I’m not gonna wake him up to ask. But anywho…

So then I find out yesterday, that I’m out of sandwich bags. Then to make matters worse, the last piece of bread got finished off late last night, and the english muffins went moldy. So all the things I needed for Kaeidyn to take for lunch, we didn’t have. For once, Alfie was useful in this department, and he had everything I didn’t, so lunch has been saved. But man was I ever stressing about it all morning. I even woke up early because of it!

Still have tons of cleaning to get done today. I’m probably gonna start that relatively soon. Hopefully I’ll actually get the revised edition of my to-do list done. And then tomorrow is going to be a crazy day. I have to walk downtown, then bus it back up to the North Side (haven’t been on a bus in almost 2 years), then I’ve got to do grocery shopping most likely solo, and then I’ve got to pile $500 worth of groceries (which doesn’t sound like alot, but somehow just around that – give or take a few dollars – feeds us for an entire month!) into a cab and then bring it all in the house as quickly as possible. Not looking forward to tomorrow… Oh well, what can you do?

Today has been an incredibly long day. The poor Boyfriend is exhausted and I feel so bad for him, because even though he had last night off, he had to go back to work today.

We decided today would be the perfect day to do some cleaning. Really, he did all the cleaning, I just kind of paced. So he took no nap because he was hard at work doing a variety of things. Like sweeping the floor (which I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do), he tidied up the storage room (which hasn’t been touched in months, and has become a catch-all for junk), took all the bags of bottles (from the 2 bottles of Sprite I go through a day), downstairs so they were out of the way  and even took apart the futon so we could get the kids on the big mattress instead of the small mattress.

I did some dishes today, and made a delicious and classic Sunday dinner. We had roast beef, yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes and gravy. Unfortunately there was no corn, but I was filled after one plate and only Kaeidyn asked for more meat.

Kenzie hasn’t been feeling very good since yesterday when he puked. He spent most of yesterday sleeping, and then spent the daytime today playing games or watching TV, and then fell asleep shortly after dinnertime. He’s been completely asleep ever since.

So, I was watching The Golden Globes and you would not believe what happened. I literally was so excited. Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory (my current favourite comedy on TV), and Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls (my second favourite show of all time, coming second only to ER), presented an award together.

Jim Parsons and Lauren Graham

I have to admit that I have a huge crush on Jim Parsons, also known as Sheldon Cooper. At first I thought it was just a crush on his character, but then I went on YouTube and watched a few hours worth of interviews with him, and then seeing him on Rachael Ray and Ellen (the only thing that’s on at 4 and 6 when I’m most likely to be watching TV), I think he is so sexy in this totally different way.

Lauren Graham is just plain amazing. I watched her way back when she was on Newsradio, and then I started watching Gilmore Girls the very first time it was ever played. And then I watched it throughout the whole seven seasons (I took a hiatus sometime during 2001 or 2002, though caught up…), plus I watched it when it started from the beginning and carried through on the W Network, and now we’re working on building my DVD collection, and have the first and second season and are expanding as quickly as I can.

So I was so happy to see that two of my favourite people presented an award together. Right away, The Boyfriend and I were going off about them being in a romantic comedy together. Though I still don’t know if I could ever see Sheldon Cooper with another human being in an intimate sense, let alone a woman. And if it is going to be a woman, it should be me, and Lauren Graham can wait her turn.

I’m really hoping tomorrow I’ll have more energy than I did today. Today, I was craving a smoke so bad. I don’t even know why. It seems the more time that goes by, the more I miss smoking. I miss having the excuse, I miss having the routine. “I’ll make dinner after this smoke”, “Oh, dinner is done. Time for a smoke”, I miss that. I miss taking a bath and The Boyfriend having to bring me down a smoke, it was a reason for him to come in while I was soaking. Now, there’s no reason, so he doesn’t. So today I pretty much sat curled up in a chair, whining about wanting a smoke.

Well Kaeidyn’s got school tomorrow, and we’ve gotta get up early so that she can take a bath in the morning. Hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough tonight, that I’ll just fall straight to sleep. Doors locked, check. Light on, check. Now it’s just a matter of not thinking about anything morbid. Wish me luck 😉

Well today was a day to say the least. It felt incredibly long, mostly stressful and a tiny bit exhausting. Even though it was a “No School Day”, (which I swears happens more now than it did when I was in school) the kids were still up at 7:30 this morning. I always hate that, because I wish they would sleep in so bad on days off. Even just until 9 or something. So even though The Boyfriend said he’d wake up with the kids, Carter had woken up and I just chose to get out of bed instead of feeding him until he went back to sleep.

Around noon The Boyfriend went to bed, and Alfie came over shortly after that. The Boyfriend has issues with Alfie, just as Alfie has issues with The Boyfriend, and each of them have justifiable rights to their issues. After The Boyfriend and I’s talk about things last night, we both agreed that it would be best if Alfie had two days a week where he didn’t come over. He used to stay home at least two days a week, but that was also back when he was taking the kids on weekends. He hasn’t done that in a long time.

I’m not 100% sure why, as I often don’t understand Alfie, but he didn’t like this idea of lessening to 5 days a week, as opposed to 7. Threw a mini hissy fit, that I basically ignored. I hate it though, because he can make me feel like I’m taking the kids away from him, even when I’m just setting routine-type rules. Are there any other people who have kids with a guy that you were never married to, and aren’t with anymore, that comes over to your house every single day of the week? Alfie’s response to that, when I said that it’s not normal to have him here everyday of the week, was that it’s not normal to date and have a kid with his friend. I think in comparison, dating your exes friend is a lot more normal than visiting your ex whose with your friend daily!!!

After our mini disagreement, I decided I wanted to go for a nap. Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep a wink. I laid there wide awake for 3 1/2 hours. The Boyfriend was curled up behind me, sleeping away, and Carter was curled right into me, sleeping away. I was laying in the middle very frustrated that I couldn’t seem to sleep. It didn’t help that the three terrors were upstairs jumping off the furniture and that’s all you could hear downstairs.

I woke up and did dishes, which made all three of the kids unhappy, because I wouldn’t let them help. I was very much not in the mood to do dishes at all, but I’ve already skipped a couple days of doing dishes here and there, and I hate that I can’t complete such a simple goal. I’ve been kicking my butt hard about some of these things.

I’ve been trying so hard to get all my goals written out, and you would not believe how hard it is. I keep making these very broad statements about what I want, and I don’t think about the little steps it takes there. My big goal since quitting smoking is to “Get Healthy”. Unfortunately for me, it’s not as simple as just getting healthy. There’s a whole bunch of steps to being healthy, such as eating properly and being physically active. Of course, that just raises more questions than it answers when I haven’t, in my entire life, really been healthy. I don’t know where to begin or where to go from there.

Another goal, “Get your life under control”, that’s a really broad one. There are a thousand goals within that one goal, from creating a routine and sticking to it, to paying off debts, to being more of the mother that I want to be. It’s really difficult to narrow it down into manageable steps. Of course, there’s almost no good places to go for the manageable steps to these goals. It’s to each persons requirements and specifications. To each their own. I don’t know what it’s like to have a life that’s under control, how am I supposed to know what types of steps I need to take to do these things?

The Boyfriend and I have officially opened a can of worms that will not shut. I haven’t yet decided if I like this open can of worms or not, but since our little talk yesterday, it feels like that’s all we’ve been doing. He’s constantly seeking reassurance that I’m not going to break up with him (which is ironic, because I was sure he was going to break up with me). We discovered in all our back and forth rantings that we are stuck in a vicious circle, and it might just end up being this way for the rest of our lives. Maybe this is the vicious circle that all young parents go through, because Alfie and I went through much of the same thing. Except for about 100 times worse.

In the beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I made some serious mistakes that will forever affect the course of our relationship. He was the amazing boyfriend and I was the crappy girlfriend. We pushed through that. Now, according to him more than me, he’s the crappy boyfriend and I’m the amazing girlfriend. We’re just getting even. I figure it’ll level out in about 6 months, we’ll spend the next 6 months or so on an even level, where neither of us is good or bad, but instead we’re both just blissful. Then about 3 or 4 months later, we’ll start being crappy girlfriends and boyfriends again.

But the kids fell asleep in my bed, and I’m officially tired, so now it is time for me to move Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan from one bed to another. and crawl into bed with my grumpy Carter where I will drift off into a peaceful sleep *fingers crossed*.

It’s a Tuesday, so that means it’s The Boyfriend’s first day off. Every single week, since almost the start of our relationship, I’ve told him to sleep on his first day in the morning, so that at night we can be awake together and having a good time after the kids have gone to bed. And every week, almost since the start of our relationship, he says he can handle staying awake all day, “I’ll just drink alot of coffee”, or today, it was “I bought myself a pack of energy drinks and munchies. If I get tired, I’ll just down an energy drink!” He gives me these lines every single week, and every single time I tell him he’ll be asleep by the time the kids are in bed.

Do I know my man, or do I know my man? I can’t even be truly mad at him. It’s this rule that I’ve created for myself. When I was with Alfie, I was constantly whining that because of “this and this” job, I wasn’t getting to see him enough and I missed him. That was a huge mistake. Of course, Alfie took that as, “Miss work today, and then start hating your job and quit it a week later”!

So when I got with The Boyfriend, and he had been working the same job for almost 2 years, and he absolutely loved it, I vowed that no matter how much I hated the time his job took him away from me, it was better to only let him know in small doses and not to the point where he felt guilty for “ditching” me.

I’m reminded almost everyday by Alfie, how much more of a b-with-an-itch I was to him than I am to The Boyfriend. With Alfie, I lived alot in the past. With The Boyfriend, I avoid it. With Alfie, I always had specific instructions for mundane tasks, such as, “Fill up my drink, but can you clean out my glass first?”, even if it was a glass that had only had one drink out of it, but because the kids had finished it off, I just wanted to be sure there was no food there. The Boyfriend on the other hand, has given me glasses of pop that had floaties in it and I just picked them all out.

I do alot of things as differently as I possibly can in The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, than I did with Alfie and I’s relationship. And I’ve grinned through alot of things that, in the past, I would’ve thrown a mini temper tantrum over. I’ve been conducting life in this way for almost a year and a half, and even though you’d think it would piss me off to no end, instead it has somehow made me happier. In a way.

Today’s one of those days when it’s really hard to just grin and bear it. Instead I feel like screaming, “Like seriously, just once could you go to sleep during the day when I’m on the computer all day, and then wake up at night and spend some time with me!!!” And then tomorrow, he’ll sleep in in the morning, and he’ll be up all night and I’ll be exhausted in the worst kind of way and want to go to bed right after the kids do. It’s our perpetual weekly cycle. Have I told you lately that I hate The Boyfriend’s job?!?!?

So tonight was the premiere of American Idol (Season 9!!!). I normally only watch the audition episodes and the Top 3 down to the Finale. You know what I hate about American Idol season, alot of my family watch the show and every year I get the “You should try out for Canadian Idol” thing, so then I seriously think about doing it and every year chicken out. I blame it all on the talent show fiasco. Anywho…

It’s hard to believe that American Idol is still entertaining. I mean I hate alot of things about the show now in comparison to the older shows. I was a Paula Abdul fan (and have been since I heard “Cold Hearted Snake” in my youth), it was still funny to hear Randy call everyone “Dawg” and on almost every occasion, I was right on board with Simon’s quick and witty opinions. Definetely not the same degree of meanness, I have more of a peaceful and calm type opinion.

But more than once tonight, while being angry that The Boyfriend was passing out on the couch (and then waking up randomly every few minutes to apologize – there’s nothing worse than that!), I was caught snickering as the judges squashed contestants dreams as if the dream was a pesky little roach.

A good lesson that we’ve all been being told for years, but that American Idol really makes apparent, is that first impressions are key. Especially in a 35 second audition!!! You want to be memorable, but not THAT memorable.

SO… can you believe I’ve been blogging for almost 2 weeks straight?!?!? Only 2 more to go! And then another 11 months after that to complete my ultimate blogging goal. Though I was saddened on Sunday night, and not a single person signed up for the Mailing List and so I had no one to send a newsletter to. Luckily, for me and everyone else, you can SUBSCRIBE to the Mailing List at anytime, and you’ll receive your update the next Sunday.

I’ve been working really hard this week on goal setting. I’ve barely worked at all on the actual goals, but I’ve been writing everything down, working out the first steps. Alot of my goals can’t have steps following through to completion because alot of the goals really depend on a variety of different factors that may or may not change over the course of the next year or so. After I’m done getting them all organized, they will be viewable on the blog. Like I’ve been saying almost all week, I am working really hard getting the blog stuff done.

Another thought that I had, I need a job. We all know I’ve been talking about creating all these routines in our family. For example, I want to be doing two loads of dishes and laundry a day, or I want a set bedtime and wake up time everyday, I want to workout at the same time everyday, all these things need a sort of routine. I don’t have any type of routine and I haven’t had any type of routine in many years. I’m kind of like a fish out of water when it comes to routines.

I was watching a commercial today, about this woman rushing around taking care of her kids, going to work, doing the grocery shopping, being an all around super woman. I would love to feel that sense of urgency, or even have a reason to get up and go outside more than once a month.

I’d like for there to be more of a reason than “Because I want to”, for me to create a routine and stick to it. “Because I want to” isn’t very strong motivation. And I can’t say that I NEED a routine, because in reality, my life is just fine the way that it is right now. I just think I could make it better. But it’s not a necessity, it’s a desire.

I’m very motivated to do things that are necessary. That if I don’t do, could negatively affect me and my kids and the people I love most. I’m not as motivated to do things that are desires or dreams. I’m not as motivated to do the things that I’m the only one that dreams or desires them either. Oh well, I need to be patient about going back to work. It’s still way too early. Next year, we’ll start looking into school again…

Well I think I’m off to sleep. How do you stay motivated to complete your goals, even without support from a group of people?

I’ve been hard at work almost all day on blog stuff today. It started with wanting to get some links up, and then I remembered that this Sunday, January 10th, is the official launch of The Rantings Newsletter. Make sure you SUBSCRIBE today to receive weekly updates, pictures, links and much more.

So then after working a little on the Newsletter some more (making some final tweaks), I decided to look for some images for the blog. This I am having huge issues with, or I think I am. I’m super sketchy of copyright infringement and I don’t understand legal jargon enough to be sure that I won’t be screwing anything up. Does anyone know a really great place to go to get images for free to use on your blog?

I don’t even know for sure what I’m looking for, in terms of images. Half the time, I argue with myself that all my images should be pictures that I take. The other half the time, I think I could get the point across better from clip art or other images. If I had a program other than paint to create images with, like photoshop, than I would use it. But that’s not an option. Anywho…

I’m working really hard on getting My Goals up and going, as well as my Top 13. It’s been a while since I’ve written HTML, and so I’m having to re-learn alot of things. I don’t even know how much of it WordPress is accepting. I’ve got some serious issues with this platform…

My joints have all been hurting me really badly today. My knuckles feel swollen and stiff and my thighs feel very tight. I’ve been feeling very weak. I’ve been doing more around the house, and more in terms of physical activity during the day and I think my body is paying me for it. My muscles are screaming, “We just want to be lazy, let us curl up in a ball, wah!!!!”. I’m hoping a good sleep will get rid of the soreness.

Tonight was pretty awesome because I didn’t have to make dinner. I’ve gotten off from making lunch a couple of times this week, but dinner has been my job for almost two weeks straight. That’s dishes and dinner, and I’ve had both Kaeidyn and Keirnan insisting on helping and most nights The Boyfriend is sleeping, so I’ve got grumpy Carter crying in the background the entire time. Tonight, The Boyfriend decided he wanted to make some Hamburger Helper. I wasn’t about to stop him.

He also brought me home a new vaccuum this morning, since the last one we bought broke months ago and using Mama T’s shop vac, that I have to get down on my hands and knees to use across my living room floor, is starting to suck hardcore. I told The Boyfriend that our number one priority before getting any extras is to get a new vaccuum. And then eventually the goal is to get a Wii because I really want to get fit with Wii Fit.

So tomorrow, I’ll be cleaning like crazy and vaccuuming with my new vaccuum. Hopefully it won’t break! How many vacuums is too many vacuums to break? I think I’m up to 3 now… This vacuum, I’m going to take very good care of. The kids will not be allowed to play with this vacuum. Let’s hope *crosses my fingers*

I’m hoping I’ll get a bunch more done on the blog tonight. Tomorrow’s supposed to be a sleep-in day for me, but I’m betting that I’ll be full of ideas first thing in the morning and will be up early to get working on all this stuff. Or I won’t… Talk more tomorrow!

Well people, sadly, I have officially given up on the 31 Days to  Build a Better Blog challenge. Upon receiving my 13th day task, I have come to the ultimate decision that 31DBBB is more for people who have a blog already established.

For instance, yesterday’s task was to focus on my current readers by e-mailing at least one. Well there’s a dilemma there right now. I’ve only received spam comments (if they weren’t spam comments, I’m sorry for deleting them. Askimet put them in my spam folder and I am automatically suspicious of everything that goes into a spam folder), I’ve had no subscriptions to the newsletter (sign up by clicking the button to the right). While I know that The Boyfriend and Mama T (my Mom) are reading this, I don’t need to reach out to them by e-mail, when I talk to them both in person almost every single day.

I’m not giving up completely on the 31DBBB challenge either. I’m just giving up on it until I have some readers and it looks like this blog is going somewhere other than just for my own fun. Until then I’ll just keep doing the NaBloPoMo thing (which I’m finding incredibly easy, especially now that I’ve gotten rid of the other challenge – I suppose, the real challenge).

So I had an “I feel like such a bad Mom” moment this morning. Today was Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day at school. On her Sparkle Day, she gets to take in a toy or something else that she feels like showing off, basically show and tell. She gets to pick one boy and one girl to ask a question about what she brought in. Then either we, the parents, or the teacher (if the parent’s don’t go) read Kaeidyn’s Love Note to the class. We, the parents, wrote the Love Note which has reasons why we all treasure Kaeidyn as part of her family. Another plus to Sparkle Day is she gets to be the special class helper, which she loves because she gets to spend extra time standing next to the teacher.

This morning, I wasn’t even thinking about checking the school calendar, and I hadn’t had a chance to hang up the calendar that I just printed off last night, so I forgot completely about Sparkle Day. She went to school without anything to show and tell about, and it only really super sucked because she’s got tons of new things from Christmas that I’m sure she would’ve loved to show off. I didn’t realize until it was already too late. Needless to say, she got home and the first thing she said to me was “Mom, you forgot my Sparkle Day. Next time, can you not forget my Sparkle Day!”, I felt so bad 😦 Luckily, she’s a very forgiving child.

So then we had planned a McDonald’s day with Mama T. About once a month, we try to take all the kids to the McDonald’s Play Place, and let them go nutty. Today was even more difficult than usual, as we had The Boyfriend and Carter with us, so we had to do two trips to get to McDonald’s and two trips to get home.

The best part about the day, for me anyways, was when I asked Mama T if The Boyfriend and I could take the car and grab some stuff from Wal-Mart. Even though we had to take Carter, I felt like it was the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a long time. It was probably only because I was outside of the house and I feel like it’s been an incredibly long time since that last happened.

Tonight, I have to cut the kids hair. I hate it!! I really do suck at cutting the kids hair. I’ve butchered the kids hair, especially Kaeidyn’s so many times, it’s ridiculous. If it wasn’t for the fact that Kaeidyn is in school, and cares about her appearance, I’d just keep butchering it. So I cheat, I don’t actually cut anything more than their bangs. I hate that too though, because Kaeidyn’s hair is all different lengths (and not in the good way), Kenzie’s left side is longer than his right. I was planning on taking them to a professional, but their bangs can’t wait until I can set it all up. I bought new hair cutting sciscors today, so hopefully it’ll go alright enough.

Then I got these little tiny elastics (that will be perfect for Kaeidyn’s fine hair), so after hair cuts (and baths, unfortunately), I’ll be putting little braids all throughout Kaeidyn’s hair. I can’t wait to see what she looks like with a full head of crimpy/wavy hair. One day, I’m gonna do my whole head in braids.

Me and Two Kids

So, Mama T’s been reading my blog, and for the first time (probably since the day of my birth), I truly thought my Mom had some rather intelligent advice. And can you believe that it was advice about my blog?!?!? Her advice (not in these exact words) is that I had to give more praise for the Mom’s all around the world that do this same job as me, and those that struggle just as much, if not more than I do.

My Mom, for the better majority of my life, raised me all by herself and she seemed to do a much better job (in alot of areas) than I do most of the time. My Mom was/has been very instrumental in raising  my kids, being there for me through some of the roughest parts in my parenting journey thus far. She suggested, in her advice about my blog, to do a post much like what I’m going to do in a few minutes. I would save it for Mothers’ Day or something, but I have it on my mind right now. Sometimes, my Mom forgets how much I appreciate her, because sometimes, not only do I forget to tell her and show her, but she has two other kids who often forget too.

My Mom taught me ALOT of things throughout my life. All the parts of my parenting that I think are really good, are mostly thanks to my Mom’s nagging. She’s always had high expectations for me, but can you blame her? I clearly have a great amount of potential 😉 So here goes… This one’s for you Mom, Cheers!

Things My Mother Did or Said That Changed My Life… FOREVER!

  1. She gave birth to me!
    Without this, I would’ve never been born 😉 And then you wouldn’t be able to read these particular Rantings.
  2. Divorced my Dad
    No offense to either of my parents, but honestly, this was one of those divorces that made me more happy than sad. The only part I hated about my parents divorce, truly hated, was when my Mom first started dating other people.

    I’m sure Tiny (yes that was his name, Tiny. And he was one of the tallest, bulky men I’ve ever seen. Not really Tiny, but I guess it was cool or something…) was a really nice guy. He tried really hard with us kids, buying me a Toronto sweater when he went there and getting a friend of his to paint a jean jacket with a horse for me. But I didn’t want my Mom to date…

  3. Bought me Jasmine
    In 1995, we lived here in Red Deer, and my parents were seperated. Mom and Dad (at that time, better known as Santa) bought me this beautiful doll. I’ve been obsessed with dolls since I was young, but Jasmine was completely different.

    Her hair was dark, short and super curly. Her lips bright as cherries. Her eyelashes were long, and her eyes closed when she laid down. She was probably about two feet tall. This doll, undoubtably changed my life forever.

    She was ruined almost immediately after I got her. She was one of those dolls you could take for a bath and then leave in the bath and she would drain out. So I took her for a bath. I let her curly hair dry, and didn’t even think about what would happen when I tried to brush it. The next day, her hair was knotted, so we took a dog brush to it. Almost all her hair came out. Then I painted her nails (and did a bad job, I might add), and then I pierced her ears, her eyelashes started falling out.

    At that time in my life, I diagnosed all my dolls with diseases and often saved them from traumatic, life-threatening health issues. I gave Charisma, one of my smaller dolls, a brain transplant after she got a brain tumor. Jasmine, unfortunately, had contracted the worst disease of all.

    Lacrosse (yes, that’s how I spelt it. It was pronounced La-Chrose. I didn’t realize and neither did anyone else, until about 2 years after the diagnoses that my word was actually the word for the sport), was ultimately what ended Jasmine, and I tell myself this 14 years later. Just so everyone knows, I still have Jasmine, in a storage box in Swan Hills. Lacrosse was a devastating disease, causing her to stop breathing upbruptly, “causing” the loss of her hair and eyelashes, and eventually “causing” the loss of her arm. After she lost her arm, she started looking a bit like Chucky, and was more scary than cute, and so the closet became her new home.

    Jasmine and I were best of friends. I would spend every cent I made on her, often taking her on trips to Value Village and buying her a brand new outfit or bathing suit or earrings. She was my number one doll and she changed my life. Thanks to her and her made up disease, she taught me compassion and unconditional love.

  4. Held me and told me it was okay
    This one seems obvious right? Some of the biggest memories I have of my Mom were just of her holding me and telling me it was alright. Again, here in Red Deer, 1995. I was in Grade 2, at the school my daughter now attends, and I had entered the school talent show upon the insistence of my teacher.

    I get up on stage, after weeks of hardcore practice. Mama T loves telling this story. I practiced everywhere, in my sleep, on the toilet, everywhere! So the first microphone, doesn’t work. The second, not turned on. Finally the third works. All the time I had practiced, I had practiced with a tape recording. On stage, I had a live piano accompaniment… That I didn’t recognize.

    I completely butchered Somewhere Over the Rainbow. After singing, and having my skin turn the same color as the many bright floral patterns on my dress, I quickly walked off stage, into my Mom’s arms where I cried for the rest of the talent show. She just kept holding me and telling me it was alright.

    Or when I was probably 11 or so, and we lived in Salmon Arm. Every year, the school we attended had this huge barbecue. One of the things that all the kids loved was getting to dunk the principal. If you didn’t dunk him after throwing the ball three times, you got to run up and use your hands to push the button which would release his chair and everyone would laugh hysterically as he fell.

    My turn came up, and I missed with the ball every time. I’m double jointed and my elbows don’t bend the right way. Don’t ask me exactly how, because I can’t explain it. One day, I’ll take a picture and put it up. To this day, I still can’t do push ups properly because of it. Plus I’ve always had incredibly weak arms. So I run up to go push the button so that I can make the crowd laugh hysterically as the principal splashes about in the cold water of the tank. Instead, my arms give as I push with all my strength and the big wooden button comes smashing back in my face.

    I walked with a huge grin all the way back to my Mom, who opened her arms, as I quickened my pace and fell into them. She held me and told me it would be okay, as the pain slowly subsided from my already swelling nose. Suprisingly I didn’t break my nose at all.

  5. Moved to Red Deer
    I never wanted to come here. I never wanted to leave BC. I was born in BC and I lived all the best years of my life in BC. But Alberta had all the jobs, and Mama T needs a job. Without a job, my Mom feels useless. So we moved to Red Deer…

    Moving to Red Deer completely changed everything about my life. First, I met Alfie. Then I landed in a mental institution. Then I had Kaeidyn and went through the post partum depression. Then I landed in another mental institution and then I had Kenzie. I had Keirnan and next came the break up with Alfie. After that came The Boyfriend and Carter. Thankfully my Mom’s been here every step of the way, or I don’t think I would’ve survived Red Deer!!

  6. Held my hand during labour
    With Kaeidyn, my Mom was with me until I got wheeled down for my c-section. With Kenzie and Keirnan both, she was the only one there and held my hand and let me almost break her fingers. She was the first person (other than the doctor) that got to hold both Kenzie and Keirnan and the second with Kaeidyn. My Mom was the best support person during labour ever though. Especially when I was begging for drugs or another c-section. She seemed to know just what to say to piss me off enough to push that baby out of me!!!
  7. Forced me to sing
    It wasn’t forcing in a mean way. It was Mama T’s personal brand of encouragement. She’d keep me up late, just so she could hear me play one of my songs, just one more time. After I started playing guitar and singing at the same time, she’d make me play for all her friends.

    I used to hate it with a passion. Especially being that I don’t appreciate my talents very much. I always think I could do better. My Mom, on the other hand, always appreciated my talent, and she always knew other people would too. After a few years of having her “force” me to play for her friends or our family, I’m finally comfortable enough to record my own stuff and let other people hear it, or in some cases play in front of other people. I got up the courage this summer to play outside alot, not to anyone, but outside where others could hear. That’s pretty exciting for me.

    If Mama T hadn’t encouraged me so much, I probably would’ve given up on the music thing after the talent show fiasco…

  8. Mama T told me that I am the only voice for my children
    This was the most empowering things my Mom ever said to me. Alfie and I had broken up when I was pregnant with Kenzie. It was a very tumultuous time, and Alfie had been threatening to take the kids away. Then he wanted me to let him have visitational rights. So I told him he could, but it would have to be supervised. He didn’t like that idea at all. I often thought about going back on it, even though I didn’t think it was what was best for Kaeidyn.

    Mama T made it very clear to me, that at 1 1/2, Kaeidyn didn’t have the ability to say for herself that it wasn’t what she wanted. Kaeidyn didn’t know what was best for her and what wasn’t. It was my responsibility to be her voice and to protect her at all costs.  That was the biggest, most important parenting advice I ever received. You are 100% accountable for your kids, especially when they’re under the age of understanding!

There’s alot more that I could write here, because my Mom’s been the biggest influence in my life. It’s either a good thing or a bad thing. I’ll go with the former, because I think I’m a pretty good person overall. So what’s the point, what did she teach me?

  1. Tell your kids you love them everyday
  2. Hold your kids and never let them go
  3. Protect the ones you love
  4. Never give up on your dreams
  5. Be the voice for your young children
  6. Treat others with kindness and respect
  7. Be compassionate
  8. Work harder, because you have the potential to do better
  9. Look at a story from every angle so you can make your own decision on what’s the truth and what’s not
  10. My kids are my priority and my responsibility – an obvious one, but one that I’ve needed pointed out to me on more than one occasion (sadly…)

So there you have it, The Ten Teachings of Mama T. You better recognize! Love ya Mom, thanks for being my number one fan. Happy Not Mothers Day to all you other Mom’s out there.

What did your Mom teach you when you were growing up? How did she change your life? Do you parent your kids like your Mom did with you, or do you do the exact opposite, or do you try to find a healthy balance between the two? Leave a comment, or send me an e-mail (UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com) about your Mom and her life teachings.