Posts Tagged ‘Mommy’

I started out today thinking it was going to suck hard, but it ended up being a pretty rocking day. First, I had to take Kaeidyn to school this morning. This week, they’re learning about nutrition, so everyday they’re cooking something. Yesterday was stone soup, today was buns. So she was so excited to go to school, that 6 AM she comes running into my room, “Mommy, I’m gonna be late for school.” Luckily I was able to get her back to bed until about 7.

Then Mama T picked Kaeidyn up from school, and came over to help get the cleaning more under control. Not what I had planned, but she ended up doing most of the work completely herself. I felt incredibly bad. But the kids room is spotless, the bathroom is cleaned and so are my stairs. She’s gonna come back over tomorrow, after I’ve got my room pretty much done, and we’re gonna try to get everything else done.

I think The Boyfriend was avoiding be enlisted for cleaning jobs, so he worked on the van. After a couple hours, and a few breaks, he was able to get the van back up and running. It took a little bit of investigation on his part, but he was able to turn it on, and we even went for a short ride with all the kids to go put air in the tires. It was so nice to finally be able to all travel to one place, at the same time, in the same vehicle. I’ve been hating that Carter gets to come for everything, while the other kids get left behind, usually with Alfie.

We had barbecued steak for dinner, which the kids loved. Ate two whole steaks between the three of them, which is pretty spectacular being that they normally share one piece of meat between the three of them. And now The Boyfriend and I are having barbecued sandwiches. He had thought that we had no propane left, and then today he tested it out and it turns out we still have a full tank.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna have to let Kenzie play games, because he was begging all day today, and I kept telling him to hold off and then it ended up being bed time, so he never got to play games. We got them Socker Boppers today, so that’s going to be fun tomorrow. They got to play for a little bit today, but not very long.

I felt so bad. The Boyfriend went to Timmies and I got him to take Carter with him. He comes back all in a hurry, and as he walks up the sidewalk, I start hearing Carter wailing. His eyes were all puffy, and he had cried the entire car ride. I felt so bad for him.

We have had alot of screaming around the house these last couple of days, thanks to flies. For some reason, all my kids have decided that they are deathly afraid of flies. They see one, and they start screaming, they can’t move, they cry. I hope it doesn’t happen all summer long…

Yesterday, we went to the exercise park and took two of the neighbor kids. After playing at the exercise park for awhile, we went over to the hill behind our house and all the kids went nuts rolling down the hill for probably close to half an hour. Then we went over to the little tiny park behind our house, where Kenzie proceeded to poop his pants. So we had to cut our park playing short so he could come home and get bathed. Good thing too, because he was disgusting. They had all been playing in the sandy dirt paths, and from head to foot were covered in dustiness.

I feel like a new woman today (too bad it’s not a new and extremely sexy woman…). I finally, after almost a year of not wearing one for any real length of time, bought and am wearing a bra. I went and picked up a three pack of these cool adjustable racer-back sports bras, and then a nice t-shirt bra. So I’m wearing the sports bra, and so far, I’m completely loving it. I hope I keep up with wearing a bra 😉

The Boyfriend is officially on part-time. He’s been so worried about me telling people, because he doesn’t want to seem like the loser boyfriend. I keep assuring him that that’s not how he seems, or at least it’s not to me and that’s all that matters. If he was doing it because he didn’t want to work, then I’d think he was a loser. But that’s not the case at all. Not only can he not, but I can’t stand how much working full-time graveyards takes him away from us. Because it’s not just the night time he’s gone for.

During the days he has to sleep. His days off are mostly dedicated to sleep. It’s especially hard to have a family and work graveyards. He’s on his second night off, and so far it’s been wonderful. Two more nights of bliss!!!! The best part for me, is I won’t have to watch The Big Bang Theory or Parenthood alone anymore 😉

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It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

So even though The Boyfriend let me sleep in until 11, and even though I went back down for a nap at 2:30, I am purely exhausted today. I literally just want to go back down to bed and sleep and do nothing else.

I hope that all the desire to sleep is just something to do with stress, and nothing more. Looks like Mama T will be coming over next week to help me do some of the cleaning around here, since it’s seriously gotten so out of control. I hate that I’m a 23-year-old woman who still needs her Mommy to come help her clean. But I can’t deny that I need the help.

Had to yell at the kids outside again today, this time for taking some sort of metal tool and smashing crap in the yard, and hitting the balconies with it. I went out and just yelled, “Go somewhere else!”, they ran. I’ve decided that the next time the kids are in the yard, and they’re ruining it in a way that will get me in trouble with my landlords, I’m just gonna go out there and be like, “Hey, can you take me to your parents?”, and then I’m gonna go and ask their parents nicely to try to keep their kids out of my yard. I can’t risk getting evicted because a bunch of young kids don’t know boundaries.

I need to start leaving my house every once and awhile… I’m starting to feel very isolated from the world. When I do leave the house, it’s just to go to Mama T’s, which isn’t really broadening my horizons, being that she lives a hop, skip and a jump away. I can’t wait until we get the van fixed (fingers crossed), so that we, as a family, can go places together. I can’t wait to start doing our walks again, especially now that we found the tandem stroller.

They’ll be no telling Keirnan to constantly speed up, because if he gets to slow, we can just put him in the stroller. And Carter likes the stroller, so that’s no problem. And there’s probably so many places around here, that we haven’t even begun to explore. I can’t wait for our first Edmonton Family Trip, like we’ve been talking about since Kaeidyn was born. I’m hoping this summer will be as fun as the last…

Yesterday, Alfie took the kids overnight. The Boyfriend had to work last night, so I stayed up as late as I could so that I could sleep in with him in the morning. We slept until almost 3 PM, and it was such a good sleep. The only thing that sucked about my sleep at all, was around 9 AM, Goober showed up and starting tapping on the door. He hung out around the outside of the house until we woke up at 3.

At about 4:30, we picked up the kids. They were so good tonight. Kenzie fell asleep on the couch, played about 20 minutes of games before bed, and then went to bed with ease. Kaeidyn was really good and all she really cared about was that we were both wearing pants underneath our dresses and that I cleaned her ears.

I was trying to get Keirnan to copy me saying everyone’s name. He is so lazy about it. Kaeidyn is “aiyan”, Kenzie is “ehzie”, Carter is “cah”. He’s been trying to copy everybody with talking, and it just doesn’t seem to be working out for him at all.

Carter slept with us all day, waking up a couple times and just playing in between The Boyfriend and I. Then when we got out of bed, he was in such an incredible mood. Laughing and talking. The Boyfriend thinks he’s starting to say Mama, and claims that everytime I leave, Carter will start whining “mamamamama, mamamamama”. It’s so cute.

None of the other kids seemed to really notice when I was gone. They preferred to be with Mama T or Alfie. So it’s nice to have that change. It’s a good thing The Boyfriend and I are planning on having at least one more kid (a girl) sometime down the road, that way he can experience the whole Daddy’s baby thing.

The Boyfriend is beginning to seriously despise his job, and almost every single day, there’s a comment about going down to part time or looking for another job altogether. I feel bad for him, and I generally just feel bad. It’s not that he hates the job at all, it’s that he hates the time of the job. He hates that it takes him away from Carter and me and the kids, because when he’s not working, he’s sleeping so that he’s not tired for work.

I keep trying to tell him that to me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only times it bothers me is when I’m incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed, or when he sleeps most of his days off. I still think the biggest solver to the problem, would be some sort of routine. But we’ve had no luck creating, or sticking to, any of our big plans that we had at the beginning of this year.

The other day, The Boyfriend and I, for the first time in our lives, purchased stuff online. So around the 15th, we should be getting Mario Party 8 for the Wii! Plus two more things that you can read about on The XXX Rated Rantings. We’re super excited. Too bad I can’t drink yet, because Mario Party games make for fun drinking games 😉

I think starting next month (April WOO! It means it’s closer to summer!), I’m gonna start NaBloPoMo again. I hate that I post so little now. I think maybe it’d be fun to do NaBloPoMo on both the PG Rantings and The XXX Rated Rantings. I totally think I could manage it, so maybe that’s what I’ll do for April.

We definitely didn’t do as much cleaning as I hoped we would’ve during The Boyfriend’s holiday. So I’m really really hoping (and planning) that this week will be incredibly productive, and I’ll get a few things crossed off of my ever-growing checklist. Three big goals are the kitchen, the bathroom and my room. Wish me luck 😉

I’ve also been slacking massively on my workouts, so I think this week, the goal is to pick it back up and start working out again. Hopefully I’ll be able to stick to it.

This is so unlike me, writing so little. Now that there’s no NaBloPoMo to be accountable to, I just forget to write. Not only that, I’ve been busy working on so many things online, that I keep spending more time on that stuff than this stuff.

I’ve been researching a bunch to start thinking about getting lessons up on The Art Of… blog. Then I was checking out Google Sites last night, and decided to make one site. So, The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – The Rantings Network Headquarters, was born.

A little about The Rantings Network. Firstly, it includes all the online activities that I’m doing which include:

I also have a Ning Network and a Facebook Fan Page in the works, though no real content has gone up yet. I’m hoping to change that soon. Once all these sites are complete with content, I’m gonna start promoting the heck out of them, that way I’m sure I’m getting visitors.

Today has felt like an incredibly long day, though not much has happened. I woke up this morning in a rotten mood, but then shortly after I woke up, I got this mad desire to clean. Last night, Keirnan had gotten into the soya sauce and spilt it down the side of the stove. So I did some dishes and cleaned most of the counters and stove off. Eventually, hopefully before we go grocery shopping next, I’ll get that fridge cleaned out.

I have so many things that I need to get done around this house. Laundry is starting to pile up like crazy again, and it’s so hard to keep track of clean clothes and dirty clothes. I have 3 dressers between 6 people! So alot of the clothes stay in laundry baskets. If it were just me, I would most likely be able to keep track of what’s clean and what’s dirty. But with three kids and a boyfriend going through the laundry baskets and throwing clothes in and out of laundry baskets, it’s extremely hard to keep track of it all.

My back has been hurting really bad all day today. Right in between my shoulder area. The Boyfriend rubbed my back twice tonight and it’s seemed to do nothing at all for me. Maybe a nice little workout will help out.

I was on a roll with working out. I did three days and then took a day break and then I did another three days. It’s been two or three days now of not doing a workout, and I’m kind of craving one. My body is definitely not what it used to be. I was attempting a yoga workout the other day, and my balance and flexibility is so off compared to what it used to be. Before kids, I could do the splits and stand on one foot while I lifted the other foot above my head. Now, I can hardly touch my toes and it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand on one foot for any length of time.

The kids are all doing very good. Kaeidyn’s now opened up to the idea of liking Lukas, a boy in her class. Today she says to me, “I think I might be Lukas’ girlfriend”. The only time she doesn’t like talking about Lukas is when Alfie is around. He teases her and she takes it very personally. She doesn’t like that Daddy thinks it’s funny. I explained to her the other day when we were coming home from school, that he wasn’t making fun of her, that it was that he was excited for her. When I told her that it was because, for the rest of her life we’ll be able to tell her about Lukas, her first crush, she changed her mind about not liking Lukas and finally admitted it, though we knew it a long time ago 😉

Keirnan has had an obsession with water these last couple of days. If I leave water in the sink, he goes out and plays with it. Twice now, he’s gotten in trouble for playing in the toilet downstairs. My brother comes over and leaves cups of water everywhere, and Keirnan sticks his hand in them. Needless to say, we’ve been dealing with alot of wetness.

Kenzie’s been doing pretty good, though I don’t think he could say “Mommy” more in a day. He’ll literally sit on the floor and just go, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”.  The first thing I still hear every morning is, “Can I play a game?”, and now it’s switched from Lego: Star Wars in the kitchen, to wanting to play games on the Wii in the living room. The good thing about that is that he’s not playing games very often at all, because I normally tend to be watching TV or don’t want to listen to Kaeidyn and Kenzie fight over whether they’re going to play Tennis or Sword Fighting.

Carter is officially rolling over from his back to his stomach. He’s been doing his stomach to his back for awhile now, and just yesterday started back to stomach. He’s even starting to sit by himself. But he’s been incredibly clingy, always wanting someone to hold him. Luckily, The Boyfriend’s been home for a couple days and has been an incredible help.

The Boyfriend had two days off, and on his second day off woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible pain in his tooth. He called in sick that night and the next night went to the doctor. He walked out with a prescription for pain meds, anti-inflammatories, and amoxicillin. The doctor told him he had to take another night off work so that he could see how he reacted to the medication.

Unfortunately, he had to go back to work tonight. Though, only five more days of work  until he has a week off for his birthday. March 3rd, my man is officially as old as I am. Things have been doing better for us, though I go in and out of it constantly during the day. Hopefully we’ll get over this hump, and hopefully it will be soon.

Well, I guess that’s all I really have to write. Hopefully it won’t be so long until the next time 😉

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!