Posts Tagged ‘Mental Institution’

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!