Posts Tagged ‘McDonalds’

So over the last couple of days, I’ve applied for three jobs and called about going back to school to get my GED, and then hopefully eventually I’ll be able to find out more about RDC’s Multimedia Web Design Certificate, which would be so awesome.

First of all, I’ve been craving getting out of the house, and I would love it even more if I was making money doing it. I felt so pathetic applying for the jobs. I’ve decided for now to only apply online, and in about a month or so start hitting the pavement. But I haven’t had a serious job since I was 16, and then after that everything was so short and so few and far between that my resume just sucked.

I filled out applications for Tim Hortons and Save-on-Foods and I probably looked like a good candidate right up until my employment history. I couldn’t even remember what year it was my last job was. Luckily, I had e-mailed myself a resume a couple years back (that I saved) and so I was able to actually find out.

It’s so intimidating honestly to be looking for work again. I feel like I’m not qualified to do any of these things. Even just making coffee. The pace is really what worries me. At home, it’s so laid back and nothing is rushed, if I don’t get it done I don’t get it done. Whereas out in the real world, time is money, which is everything. I remember the last serious job I had, at McDonalds, was always incredibly rushed. I was younger and more energetic back then and I found the pace daunting. Imagine what it’s going to be like now. I’ll probably cry.

What’s most surprising to me though, is that even though I’m scared as hell about the entire school/work thing, I’m more determined at this moment to do something other than what I’m doing, that it’s a possibility that it could happen. And honestly, it’s perfect timing. The Boyfriend’s on part-time, so me working part-time is absolutely no problem at all. And it will give me time to transition to full-time.

Honestly, I’d rather go to school than work, but taking out a student loan and grant to go for Unit Clerk a couple years back (and then dropping out because I had no one to watch the kids, so I could go to school), has made it an incredibly stressful task. Even just applying for it is nerve-racking for me, because I just see that student loan coming to bite me in the ass over and over again. You’re mistakes always come back to haunt you.

But the GED program is government funded, I can get my high school equivalency, that way I don’t look like some loser drop out. And then maybe next year, really try to get into this Web Design thing. The GED is way more scary than the web design thing to me, because the GED includes things like math, which I’m horrible at. I still use my fingers regularly to add simple numbers!!!

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It was a really good day today. After sleeping in until 11 AM (which is a rarity), Alfie and I went to Kaeidyn’s parent/teacher conference. I am happy to report that she is doing magnificently and has improved in every single area. She’s been in speech therapy for awhile now, working on her “sh” sounds, plurals and s-blend words. We’ve been working with her at home, they’ve been working at school and she also practices alot on her own. So she’s at an 80% accuracy for all her speech now, which is a mass improvement from 3 months ago.

They do a variety of tests, comparing from one time to another. Three months ago, she couldn’t rhyme, she could hardly recognize numbers or letters and she couldn’t spell anything but her name. Today, we find out she’s rhyming with ease, she recognizes 20 letters and every number up to eleven without difficulty (after that, she gets a little jumbled). She even knows how to recognize and spell five different words!!! Needless to say, I’m a very proud mommy!!

Then after we got back from that, we decided we were going to walk over to McDonald’s (since Mom took the car back…). It was a pretty nice day, if you take away the wind. But a hoodie, a jacket and a puffy vest was all I needed 😉 Found a tandem stroller that I had forgotten I had down in the furnace room, so it was super easy because Carter chilled in the back, and the other kids took turns in the front.

Alfie sure can stress me out when it comes to those kids though. Kaeidyn and Kenzie wanted to walk across these bricks that kind of form a wall on the side of the sidewalk. They’re completely safe to walk on, and it’s like a balance beam, but thicker. Well the kids wanted to walk on it, and Alfie starts, “You guys, be careful. You shouldn’t walk on that.” Prior to him saying anything, I didn’t think anything of it. After he said something, I suddenly got all panicky and insisted on trying to hold their hands. Of course, they wouldn’t have any of it.

McDonald’s was about as fun as it always is for us adults. Even though we didn’t stay for a super long time, the kids had fun running around and playing with other kids. Especially Kaeidyn, who adopted some little girl as her best friend, before they had actually even played together. Carter even got to play on the play place, and had fun kneeling at the stairs.

Walking home was much harder than walking there. Walking there, all the kids were excited and energized. Walking home, they were all tuckered out, full and whiny. Kenzie especially, who cried almost all the way home, until Alfie took both him and Keirnan and ran through the forest on the other side of the street from us (when I say forest, I mean just a grouping of trees. It’s not some natural wonder or something ;))

We got home and Kaeidyn was super incredibly whiny. After so long of her whiny about literally everything, we just sent her down to bed. Some more whining and wailing went on, and then she fell asleep. I think she seriously needed it. She woke up a little on the grumpy side, but once she got a drink, she was much much better.

Tonight was also an incredibly easy night for getting everyone to sleep. At about 8 PM, Kenzie started to complain that he was tired, so I told him he could fall asleep on the couch or down in bed, if he’d like. We put a movie on, and within 45 minutes, he was passed out on the couch and has been ever since. Kaeidyn and Keirnan went and laid down in my bed, and within minutes Keirnan was fast asleep. Kaeidyn gave a little bit of hassle at first, and kept coming upstairs and then saying that she didn’t know why she had come upstairs. But by 10 PM, she was fast asleep too.

We also have had a couple of pretty big accomplishments with Carter, who has eaten rice cereal a whole bunch lately (2 bowls of it the other day with Daddy!!!!), and today, for the first time ever, The Boyfriend held him and Carter drank his formula!!! No crying, no complaining, no giving up. He just took it. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get him to take it again. But it’s an accomplishment nonetheless.

I have had a few days of accomplishing pretty much nothing. I haven’t done any cleaning whatsoever (though there’s a thousand things calling my name and saying, “clean us, please clean us!” – and I just keep whispering back, “Nuuhhhhh!”), I’ve barely been on the computer working on stuff, and I’ve been curled up on the couch eating and watching TV.

I’ve been craving a workout really bad too. I told the kids today that we would go to the exercise park, and then we ended up going to McDonald’s. Almost every night when I go to bed, I make a huge to do list of all the things I need to get done the next day, and I never seem to do a single thing on the list done.

When I’m laying in bed at night, thinking of all the things I need to do, it’s like I get a burst of energy to do the things. Almost every night, I talk myself out of getting into bed by saying, “It’s really late already. Just go to sleep.”, and so I normally will. I’m starting to think that my only solution to this problem that I seem to be having, is to just get out of bed and start cleaning. It’s such a frustration.

Another huge frustration, is the fact that almost none of my clothes fit me properly the way I want them to. And the bigger frustration in all of that, is that I know what it takes for me to get where I want to be, healthily. For some reason, I just can’t come anywhere near close to executing it. So now I have this huge decision to make. Either start exercising and eating better so that I can fit into the clothes that I currently own, or succumb to the laziness and boredom hunger and just buy a bigger size… I’m hoping I’ll get motivated enough to do the former.

This is the thing that sucks the most about the whole working out thing. It’s not that I don’t like to work out. It’s that to do what I want to do to make my body look the way I want it to look (if that makes any sense), I’m gonna have to include alot of cardio. Then I’ll get to go into the stuff that I like, which is strength and flexibility training (though don’t get the idea that I’ve ever been strong, because I haven’t… Or at least, not physically ;)) The cardio is an issue, because I’ve been a smoker for seven  years. Even though I quit for about a month and a half awhile back, I’m back on the smoking train. And I don’t see quitting in my near future.

I just hope I complete at least one goal this year. From start to finish. Because I’ve started alot of goals, and haven’t even come close to completing one of them.

One more thing, before I leave you. Tomorrow, I will officially begin NaBloPoMo again. I had meant to do it every single month for the entire year, but the life of a 23-year-old, stay-at-home mom of four (who almost never leaves the house) makes it incredibly difficult. Not only because you’re a mom and the demands of that are so high, but also because there’s not much that happens in a typical day. So I’ve decided instead to try to do it three or four times this year. Hopefully maybe even more. Tomorrow will be month two!

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t been outside since our monthly Mama T & McDonald’s trip. The weather was absolutely beautiful today, and the boys were very hyper. So Alfie, Kenzie, Keirnan, Carter and I, all walked to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

The walk there was awesome. Carter sat quietly in his Snugli. The boys had fun slipping around on the ice, but were keeping up really well. Walking home was another story entirely. Kaeidyn normally gets to play in the snow, but today it felt like they were all be so annoying with it. And I was sure someone was gonna get hurt. But we made it home, all of us fine and still alive.

After lunch, finally, I decided that it was going to be a nap day. I’ve been pissy at The Boyfriend, and stressing over kid stuff, and napping normally helps that. This wasn’t one of those naps. I woke up from the nap more mad than I was when I went for it. I didn’t even let anyone know I was actually out of bed, and instead made a dash for the bathtub where I filled the bath with hot, hot water!

My favourite thing(s) about taking a bath are:

  1. I don’t have to stand up
  2. I can lock the door
  3. I get to read without being bothered
  4. It’s quiet in the bathroom

So I spent the next 45 minutes, in a ridiculously hot bath, reading “I Am My Mother’s Daughter” by Iris Krasnow. This book doesn’t really apply to me, being that it’s meant for aging daughters and their aging mothers. We’re talking 40-year-old women with 80-year-old Mom’s. I don’t have an 80-year-old Mom.

I also didn’t pick this book. It was brought over by my aunt in a huge stack of books (mostly romance novels). Now I’m not a huge fan of romance books, I mean it’s not that it’s not a good read, I just can’t get into the story. Romance doesn’t make much sense to me. Sexuality and intimacy do, that’s why I can love reading erotica. Romance on the other hand, not so much. So since I don’t like the romance novels, and I’ve read every other book I own that isn’t a romance novel, I figured I’d give this one a shot.

I was suprised at how much I liked “I Am My Mother’s Daughter”. Mama T and I have a pretty tumultuous relationship. I don’t remember a time in my life when my Mom and I weren’t having an arguement of some kind. To one up it, we both are pretty bad for holding grudges. I mean we forgive, but forget it… Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve never in my life even considered “writing her off”, even though I’ve been given handfuls of reasons.

I’ve always thought that out of all three of us kids, my Mom was always the hardest on me. Always had the most expectations of me. Always attacked me. But my sister always acts as if she’s had it the hardest and like Mom is more intense towards her. She’s been close to writing my Mom off many times, and on more than one occasion has gone months without talking to my Mom. I get nervous if my Mom doesn’t call me every other day.

“I Am My Mother’s Daughter” isn’t really useful to me, because I’ve already gotten to the point where I know there’s some things I can’t control (thank you 28 days with Sandra Bullock for teaching me that ;)), and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My Mom is my Mom and she’s not perfect, she makes mistakes, and she screws everything up sometimes. I could spend the rest of my life angry at her, and resenting her for the way she did or did not raise me, but what would I get from it?

It’s easier to accept that my mother is who she is, just as I am who I am, and that’s the best I can expect from her. I think that my sister would benefit greatly from reading this book. Then again, I think sometimes my sister is so stuck in her own little world that it wouldn’t even touch her. She’d just be reading the words. It’s really my sisters prerogative to be mad at my Mom at anytime in her life, so if she wants to be, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

The book is mostly about Mom’s who are close to the end of their lives and daughters who wish they would’ve forgiven or forgotten so that they could have closure with their Mom’s before they died. I would hate to feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being there for my Mom when she passed. I couldn’t imagine what my sister would feel, as she pushes all her emotions way down to the bottom of herself until something sets her off and then she explodes, like an emotion-filled volcano. Reading this book makes me think a lot about my sister and my Mom and my kids. I hope none of them ever really hate me!

The Boyfriend and I finally talked a little bit about some of the problems we’ve been having this last week or so. It’s all nothing major at all, but it’s stuff that’s been bugging us. For me, it’s been the sleeping. I know he works a graveyard job, and I’m fine with that. I just wish I could see him awake some days. I wish I could rely on him for help more. It sucks too, I feel so bad complaining about it all, mostly because I know it’s something he would love to give me, but this job makes it hard. I don’t want quitting the job to be an option. He worked this job for 2 years before meeting me without any thoughts of quitting, and I don’t want to be the reason he quits a perfectly good job that he loves.

We didn’t talk about all the issues, because there just isn’t enough time and frankly, I don’t have the desire. One or two issues a day is all I care to deal with right now. I keep questioning whether or not I have a right to bitch about the things that I want to, and while I know I have the right to do anything I want to do (without breaking the law…), it doesn’t mean that I want to go through a slew of emotions. I used to be like that, every time I had a problem with something, I would go through all the crap. And I’d end up bringing up stuff that had happened months ago way too often. I don’t want it to be like that.

It’s not like The Boyfriend and I really have alot of issues either. My issue is he sleeps too much, his issue is Alfie. That’s really it. The only thing that sucks about all that, is we’ve had the same issues for almost the entire time that we’ve been together. And while things have changed, it almost feels like nothing has changed at all.

Well at least I got some fresh air, a nap and a bath today 😉