Posts Tagged ‘Love’

It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

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I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

So I have nothing seriously of interest to blog about today. It was a day, just like every other day. Nothing epic happened, kids did pretty much the same thing they do everyday. But, I did listen to some pretty epic music today. I’ve gone on a bit of a spree and have been downloading and listening to music like crazy. I’m broadening my horizons once again.

I was reminded of a song that moves me. Not so much the song itself, but the lyrics are incredible. I wrote essays about the song in high school, and I had forgotten about it for a really long time. Re-discovered it today, listened to it and fell in love all over again. So today, I thought I’d share the lyrics with you… *Smile*

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would’ve done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s ¬†clouds illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus clowns
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

So I’m not writing a super long post today, because I’m being too much of a perfectionist and it’s just being ridiculous. I’ve started my Marathon Day 4 post, and deleted it and edited it and then re-edited it, too many times today to want to look at it anymore.

My task is to Analyze a Successful Blog in my niche. Now I have a handful and a half, at least, of family or Mommy or parenting blogs in my Google Reader. Alot of these have only been added in the last month or two, so I’m still in decision making mode about which ones I truly like and which ones I don’t like. But just to see what the top family/Mommy/parenting blogs look like, I jumped over to Technorati and checked out the Top 100 Family Blogs. So now I’m in the state of going through all these new blogs, and picking out the good from the bad (in my opinion…).

So after deciding that 31 days to do all these things that require alot of time, effort and research, could definitely not be done everyday for 31 days by someone who doesn’t write a blog as their lifetime job, is a little advanced. I’m giving my brain a rest for one night. Unfortunately, it’s not working out for me so well.

After The Boyfriend left for work, I was channel surfing like I normally do on Monday nights, while I wait for The Big Bang Theory to come on. I stumbled across this show on PBS called This Emotional Life, and so here I’ve been for the last hour and a half watching it (and absolutely loving seeing Alanis Morissette!), and I’m really enjoying it.

Of course, I wanted to share with everyone my excitement over a cool show with Alanis Morissette on it, that’s about social relationships and neurological processes. It basically proves that love, compassion and attachment are a vital part of human development, as essential as food and shelter.

I personally, almost need the logic of a scientist to believe in anything, but I’m a romantic at heart. So while I believe in love at first sight and soulmates, it’s much more reassuring to me when there’s a psychologist or neurologist telling me it exists. That and it’s amazing to learn about what happens to the mind and which horomones are released and all the little things that a body does when a woman has a chance to bond with her baby, or a person falls in love for the first time, or when two people have sex.

So about 45 minutes ago now, I jumped on the computer with the intention of writing a great blog post about this show. Then I started writing, and I kept jumping all over the place. I’d be writing in a more essay type style, and then I’d be writing like I was telling The Boyfriend about this awesome show I just saw on TV, and I just couldn’t focus on it.

I restarted and then deleted a whole bunch, and about 20 minutes later after not being able to get anywhere further than “So…”, I just decided I would write a quick post and let you know that I did start my Problogger task, and I am planning on posting it tomorrow, along with Day 5’s focus on my current readers.

Oh by the way, I made myself these super cool, easy-to-use Blog Ideas lists. I haven’t started filling mine out yet, but after this post, I’ll be able to. Here’s a couple of pictures to make you smile: