Posts Tagged ‘Life’

I don’t know why, but today all I seem to be thinking about is how much I need to get a life outside of my house and my kids. I’ve felt nothing but this incredible amount of sadness over how isolated I’ve become. Not that I’ve ever really been one to go out and do stuff and hang out with people and have friends, but I’m sure starting to despise being stuck in the house all day, everyday. And when I do leave the house, it’s not for me. It’s to get food for the kids, or rent money from the bank or to pick Kaeidyn up from school.

What does everyone else think about when they do the dishes? What is the most common thought a stay-at-home mom has when she’s doing her daily cleaning? For me, every time I start to clean (which almost automatically makes me mad, because I’m all like, “Didn’t I JUST do this?!?!?”), I just start thinking about all the choices I made that got me to where I am today.

This morning, I was doing some research on what it would take to become a sexologist or sex therapist, my ultimate dream jobs. And almost as soon as I found the answer, the entire dream bubble was completely popped. I just kept thinking, if I didn’t make all those choices I made, it could possibly happen.

I’ve been in a horrible funk since last night, and I just don’t see it changing. I feel incredibly angry at myself. Will I never learn? I hate that I know, logically know, how to change my life. How to get my house clean and start feeling better about myself, especially as a parent. How to complete one thing, instead of starting a whole bunch of things that never get finished. I know how to do these things. And it makes me angry at myself that, while I know the solutions to all the things that I currently hate about this life, I just keep doing the things that I hate. Dating the kind of people I hate. Letting my house get to this state where I hate it.

Today, Kaeidyn goes and asks The Boyfriend, as he’s getting ready to go over to his friends’ house, “You have friends?” and he says, “I’ve got a bunch of friends, but I only hang out with one of them.” He kind of scoffs, “That’s pathetic.”, and I literally said, “Hey, at least you have even one friend!” He’s all like, “You have me Babe!”

And yes, I have him and I have Alfie for “friends”, though I don’t think you can ever count your babies daddies as friends. Alfie would’ve ditched and stopped talking to me years ago, if we didn’t have kids together. We really have nothing in common, we have completely different values, and if I didn’t have kids with him, I probably wouldn’t put up with him. Even The Boyfriend is more of a buddy than a friend.

I can’t seriously talk to him about my interests, because no one seems to take sexuality seriously, and he doesn’t know anything more than, “I like this song” about music. When I do have things that I would talk to a friend about, like my Boyfriend, I don’t want to talk to The Boyfriend about it, because I’m so scared of becoming that irrational, over-emotional, jealous psycho bitch, that I was once known as.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at really. I need to get a job or go back to school or something. Something outside of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Even a freaking date night would help. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day, and nothing except for maybe finances changing, or a dish didn’t get dirty. It’s just this vicious circle and I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how women with a lot of kids stand it. How do you get passed this isolated feeling?

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It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”.  I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

So I was saddened this morning, when Kaeidyn came in with 5 minutes to spare before the bell rang for school. My alarm has officially bitten the dust. I’ve had it for 13 years and it just now crapped out on me. Sadness…

Kaeidyn ended up not going to school today, which at first made her really upset and angry, but when I agreed to do school stuff with her, she changed her mind. So we practiced some writing, worked on her “sh”, “s” and “st” sounds and then we played Wii all afternoon.

My arm is killing me from all the swinging. I feel like my bicep in my right arm is already bigger. Seriously, if I don’t lose weight playing these games, there’s something seriously wrong, because you move so much (even when you’re trying not to) and there’s no way that you’re not burning calories. It also forces you to use your core alot, the whole knees bent, legs shoulder width apart, standing up straight, and keeping things tight is really in play when you’re playing baseball, or archery (which I rock at ;)), or cycling.

After coming home with the Wii yesterday morning, with Wii Sports (which comes with the Wii), The Boyfriend and I decided we wanted more games, which resulted in a trip back to Wal-Mart. So then we got the Wii Sports Resort and My Sims Party. Sports Resort is so much fun, I could play it all day (if my arm wasn’t killing me). The My Sims Party I’m still getting used to. You have to use your head in that one, and I’m not so great at that whole aspect of it yet. Moving and using my head, too much to deal with 😉

We all did our fitness tests with our Mii’s. The Boyfriend and I did ours yesterday, and Kaeidyn and Kenzie did theirs today. The Boyfriend’s Day 1 Fitness Age = 33, Day 2 Fitness Age = 27. My Day 1 Fitness Age = 78, Day 2 Fitness Age = 67. Kaeidyn and Kenzie both got a Fitness Age of 80!!! They both love to play boxing, and Kaeidyn has officially trumped everyone in the house, and has beaten The Boyfriend multiple times (though if it helps him feel any better, while a 5-year-old can kick his butt, this 23-year-old sure can’t!!).

I got to take a nap all by myself today. The Boyfriend stayed up with the kids, even Carter! I had planned to sleep for 2-3 hours at the very least, but was woken up to a strange man’s voice and got about an hour in (strange voice was a guy trying to get us to switch from our current entertainment bundle provider, Shaw, to Telus’ entertainment bundle). Surprisingly, the hour of sleep was exactly all I needed. I woke up with a ton of energy, did a ton of dishes (which was desperately needing to be done), and then played Wii for a bit before making dinner.

I also realized today, that I’ve been spelling surprise wrong for at least a decade. I had always spelt it “suprise” and never thought anything of it from there. Then today, I’m typing away on Facebook, and I write something like “Are you suprised?”, and the this spell checker that we have squiggles some lines underneath. I’m like “What?!?!?!”, then I realized that there’s definitely a letter missing. So I’ve been correcting myself ever since. Now if only I could start spelling definitely write, instead of always writing “definetely”.

I had started this blog night, with absolutely no ideas on what to write. The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, watching Jeopardy, and I was all whining about having nothing to write about. Get me in front of my blog, and I suddenly become a story teller. May be a boring life, but that’s what it is to be me 😉 Until we meet again…

We were doing so good
We were making such strides
We had kicked the addiction
We were changing our lives

I don’t want to whine, I really don’t. The Boyfriend and I agreed to a cheat day a couple days back, and bought a pack of smokes. We had both been complaining about wanting a smoke. As I’ve said, it seems harder to not smoke now than it did for the first three weeks. Our cheat pack lasted one day…

So then the next day, we bought another pack which only lasted a day. Today was a two pack day (that were bought, we’ve smoked one so far :() And seriously, I hate it. I want to go back to the way I felt when I wasn’t smoking. I’m still just considering it cheating.

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, and I said “I think starting Saturday, I’m not buying anymore smokes”, and he goes “Really?” as if he was disappointed. All along, I had thought that he was so upset that I had given in, and that he was loving the quitting. So I say “You want to keep smoking?!?!”,  and he goes “We’re chasing the wagon. I figure as long as we never go over a pack a day.”

It feels like crap. We were doing so very good. Those first three weeks, I was managing any possible cravings I had (put on 7″ in the process, but I blame that partially on quitting but more on breastfeeding), though it wasn’t for the smoke that I was having a craving. It was for the exhale. That’s always been my favourite part of smoking. Exhaling and watching the smoke blow out my mouth, feeling like all the problems are going with it. That, and I love the way I look exhaling 😉 It feels very french retro.

After the first three weeks, it seemed like at least once a day, everyday, I would be seriously craving a smoke. I’d start thinking about it, then I’d start talking about it. Then I started bumming a smoke or two a day off Alfie, and then came the day of the cheat pack…

It just makes me feel really hopeless about all the other goals that I had set for myself, and made me realize how many of those goals I’ve also given up on.

  • Doing dishes everyday.
    The Boyfriend had 3 days off, and I didn’t do more than what was needed for meals every night. So 5 plates, 5 forks, and whatever cookery we used for the meal.
  • Lifting my weight everyday
    I was doing awesome. I think I did a week and a half straight. Then The Boyfriend bought me the stability ball and resistance band (and the vacuum so I could put the stability ball on the floor without fear of it popping), and I haven’t lifted weights a day since. The Boyfriend’s been doing it on and off, even doing push ups and on the days that he doesn’t lift weights, he does 25 presses with Carter whose about 13 pounds.
  • Vacuuming everyday
    I’ve vacuumed twice. Both times were delightful experiences. I just haven’t had an ounce of energy to do it. The kids were doing really good keeping their toys downstairs for about a week, and it was easy to clean the living room then. Now, they’ve started bringing everything up here, and it’s just easier to leave it than clean it!

This week has been a week of disappointments. I had so many plans for this week, and I didn’t accomplish a single one of them. Even The Boyfriend, who works graveyards, and sleeps during the day, got more done than I did.

I had planned to go grocery shopping yesterday, but then we got busy around the house and so I said I would do it today. Today rolled around, and it was cold outside, so I’ve put it off for another day. I finally buckled and called my aunt for a ride downtown to drop all my paperwork off, even though my original plan was to walk down, take a bus back. But I guess I’m too much of a diva for that or something…

I wish it was just easy to become motivated, and be less lazy. You’d think that it would  be so simple. Just get off your butt. For some reason, for alot of reasons maybe, it just seems so hard! I feel very stumped, like I’ve hit a brick wall. I hope I figure something out, I think it’s time for another re-evaluation…

So question: Kenzie’s been out of control with the asking about games. I swear all I really heard from him today was “Can I play a game yet?”, and every single time it got whinier and whinier. At one point, I was sure that only dogs could hear the pitch he was reaching…

Saying “Wait” seemed to work for a better portion of the day. “Just wait a minute, Kenzie” and it would buy us about an hour of silence. Is it horrible to continually tell your kids to wait? It feels like it’s being mean, but “No” causes a horrendous fit, giving in means he’s on the games all day long, wait buys time in between the ever annoying question.

Well time to feed the baby…

So I have nothing seriously of interest to blog about today. It was a day, just like every other day. Nothing epic happened, kids did pretty much the same thing they do everyday. But, I did listen to some pretty epic music today. I’ve gone on a bit of a spree and have been downloading and listening to music like crazy. I’m broadening my horizons once again.

I was reminded of a song that moves me. Not so much the song itself, but the lyrics are incredible. I wrote essays about the song in high school, and I had forgotten about it for a really long time. Re-discovered it today, listened to it and fell in love all over again. So today, I thought I’d share the lyrics with you… *Smile*

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would’ve done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s  clouds illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus clowns
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Well today was a day to say the least. It felt incredibly long, mostly stressful and a tiny bit exhausting. Even though it was a “No School Day”, (which I swears happens more now than it did when I was in school) the kids were still up at 7:30 this morning. I always hate that, because I wish they would sleep in so bad on days off. Even just until 9 or something. So even though The Boyfriend said he’d wake up with the kids, Carter had woken up and I just chose to get out of bed instead of feeding him until he went back to sleep.

Around noon The Boyfriend went to bed, and Alfie came over shortly after that. The Boyfriend has issues with Alfie, just as Alfie has issues with The Boyfriend, and each of them have justifiable rights to their issues. After The Boyfriend and I’s talk about things last night, we both agreed that it would be best if Alfie had two days a week where he didn’t come over. He used to stay home at least two days a week, but that was also back when he was taking the kids on weekends. He hasn’t done that in a long time.

I’m not 100% sure why, as I often don’t understand Alfie, but he didn’t like this idea of lessening to 5 days a week, as opposed to 7. Threw a mini hissy fit, that I basically ignored. I hate it though, because he can make me feel like I’m taking the kids away from him, even when I’m just setting routine-type rules. Are there any other people who have kids with a guy that you were never married to, and aren’t with anymore, that comes over to your house every single day of the week? Alfie’s response to that, when I said that it’s not normal to have him here everyday of the week, was that it’s not normal to date and have a kid with his friend. I think in comparison, dating your exes friend is a lot more normal than visiting your ex whose with your friend daily!!!

After our mini disagreement, I decided I wanted to go for a nap. Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep a wink. I laid there wide awake for 3 1/2 hours. The Boyfriend was curled up behind me, sleeping away, and Carter was curled right into me, sleeping away. I was laying in the middle very frustrated that I couldn’t seem to sleep. It didn’t help that the three terrors were upstairs jumping off the furniture and that’s all you could hear downstairs.

I woke up and did dishes, which made all three of the kids unhappy, because I wouldn’t let them help. I was very much not in the mood to do dishes at all, but I’ve already skipped a couple days of doing dishes here and there, and I hate that I can’t complete such a simple goal. I’ve been kicking my butt hard about some of these things.

I’ve been trying so hard to get all my goals written out, and you would not believe how hard it is. I keep making these very broad statements about what I want, and I don’t think about the little steps it takes there. My big goal since quitting smoking is to “Get Healthy”. Unfortunately for me, it’s not as simple as just getting healthy. There’s a whole bunch of steps to being healthy, such as eating properly and being physically active. Of course, that just raises more questions than it answers when I haven’t, in my entire life, really been healthy. I don’t know where to begin or where to go from there.

Another goal, “Get your life under control”, that’s a really broad one. There are a thousand goals within that one goal, from creating a routine and sticking to it, to paying off debts, to being more of the mother that I want to be. It’s really difficult to narrow it down into manageable steps. Of course, there’s almost no good places to go for the manageable steps to these goals. It’s to each persons requirements and specifications. To each their own. I don’t know what it’s like to have a life that’s under control, how am I supposed to know what types of steps I need to take to do these things?

The Boyfriend and I have officially opened a can of worms that will not shut. I haven’t yet decided if I like this open can of worms or not, but since our little talk yesterday, it feels like that’s all we’ve been doing. He’s constantly seeking reassurance that I’m not going to break up with him (which is ironic, because I was sure he was going to break up with me). We discovered in all our back and forth rantings that we are stuck in a vicious circle, and it might just end up being this way for the rest of our lives. Maybe this is the vicious circle that all young parents go through, because Alfie and I went through much of the same thing. Except for about 100 times worse.

In the beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I made some serious mistakes that will forever affect the course of our relationship. He was the amazing boyfriend and I was the crappy girlfriend. We pushed through that. Now, according to him more than me, he’s the crappy boyfriend and I’m the amazing girlfriend. We’re just getting even. I figure it’ll level out in about 6 months, we’ll spend the next 6 months or so on an even level, where neither of us is good or bad, but instead we’re both just blissful. Then about 3 or 4 months later, we’ll start being crappy girlfriends and boyfriends again.

But the kids fell asleep in my bed, and I’m officially tired, so now it is time for me to move Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan from one bed to another. and crawl into bed with my grumpy Carter where I will drift off into a peaceful sleep *fingers crossed*.