Posts Tagged ‘Job’

I’m so happy it’s a sunny day today. Yesterday was so cold, and the house was so cold (until we turned the oven on…), and today has the potential of being a really nice day. I might even get to kick the kids outside for a bit šŸ˜‰

So Kaeidyn got her first real slumber party the other night, after we went to see some of The Boyfriend’s family, on a cold and dreary, windy day in the park. Kaeidyn calls me when we’re getting ready to go pick her up, asking if she gets to come home soon. Then when I say yes, she bursts out into tears, “But I don’t want to come home now. I want to spend another night!” She came home…

My housework is getting out of control again, and it sucks because I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that Mama T was here helping out. Laziness, procrastination and soreness throughout my body are being hugeĀ hindrancesĀ in getting anything done. I think it also has something to do with The Boyfriend being home so often. When he’s around and awake (which happens more and more), I want to spend those moments with him – or at least close to him.

It’s been nice having him around so much. Even though we’ve been going through a little bit of a rough patch, for a whole bunch of reasons (mostly very petty reasons), it’s nice seeing him alot everyday and spending time with him and most importantly sleeping next to him. The only thing that sucks about it at all is that on his days off, he pushes his sleeping limit. He’ll try to stay up for almost the entire three days off, and spends most of it exhausted because of it (and normally the first two days off).

Went to Kaeidyn’s year-end review the other day. She’s doing amazing, and is on the verge of reading, so that’s really exciting. The school wants us to get her hearing checked because she’s still leaving off the “sh” at the end of words. She seems to be okay when she’s copying a person, but in just normal conversation, she’s constantly leaving it out.

I love that I’m the type of parent I always wanted to be when it comes to her year-end reviews. I tear up when I look at her scrapbook and see how much she’s improved. I ask tons of questions when we’re at them, checking to make sure she’s doing good. I’m just hoping one of these days (probably when she’s not only going for half a day), I’ll be one of those parents who gets involved in her schooling more, involved in the school more.

Keirnan’s appointment for getting his teeth pulled is coming up. It’s surprising to me that he hasn’t had more problems with the teeth. Before we went to the dentist, it seemed like every month or two he was getting infections and needing antibiotics. This last little while has been really good. He hasn’t complained about them at all, and only now is he starting to show signs of maybe getting an infection. Luckily, it’s only a few more weeks until they will be out and not causing him a problem.

Carter, my dear, sweet Carter. He has been motoring everywhere. We can’t look away from him for longer than a second before he’s half way across the room. He’s decided he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and yell down them (it echoes quite nicely), so we are often chasing him back to the living room. I don’t understand why we don’t use the safety gate more, other than the fact that I still haven’t even tried to learn how to use it.

Kenzie has been loud, really loud. And constantly hyper. He seems to have energy seeping from every pore in his body and can more often than not be found running about the house, screaming something. Followed, of course, by everyone else in the house going, “Quiet down, Kenzie!”, to which Keirnan normally responds, “No”, his new favorite word.

My body has been giving me all sorts of problems lately. I went for my pelvic ultrasound, and they said everything looked normal and the best they could figure is that it’s the depo causing it. My doctor wants me to start taking the shots every two months instead of every three. I don’t want to go off the depo though, this is the longest I’ve ever been on birth control without missing a day or forgetting to take my pills for a week or two. Even though there’s all these other things that I hate about it, at least it’s keeping me from getting pregnant. I just want to stop bleeding.

My entire body has been filled with pain these last couple of days. From things feeling like their swelling, to joints being stiff, and cramping all up and down my back, my pain is seriously exhausting. My knees and ankles have been really bad these past couple of days. I hate that I’m still so young, but feel so old. I even walk like an old lady.

I’ve been thinking about starting a serious workout regime, especially being that since I haven’t gotten to sleep in past ten in a really long time, it’s been easier and easier for me to wake up early. This morning, I was awake before the kids! I just want to get rid of my baby pooch (which looks like I’m 3 months pregnant on bad days!), and feel comfortable in this skin, because lately, I really really don’t. The only problem (along with almost all the problems in my life) is that I have absolutely no routine of the day. Or at least a very crappy routine.

The Boyfriend and I have been talking about getting some sort of routine in place. Especially where finances are concerned. I hate that we sit around talking about all this stuff, and then never do it. We need to become the kind of people who get up off our butts and just do things. Not the impulsive things we do. I mean, when we say we’re going to create a budget and stick to it, we need to become the type of people who will. Or when we say we’re gonna start working out, that we do.

Well, I think now I’m going to go browse through my local paper and see what jobs I might be able to apply online to (since I haven’t heard back from any of the previous places I applied at). I’m still not taking it very seriously, as I still have another 5 months of maternity leave left. But man, am I desperate to get out of the house more!

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So over the last couple of days, I’ve applied for three jobs and called about going back to school to get my GED, and then hopefully eventually I’ll be able to find out more about RDC’s Multimedia Web Design Certificate, which would be so awesome.

First of all, I’ve been craving getting out of the house, and I would love it even more if I was making money doing it. I felt so pathetic applying for the jobs. I’ve decided for now to only apply online, and in about a month or so start hitting the pavement. But I haven’t had a serious job since I was 16, and then after that everything was so short and so few and far between that my resume just sucked.

I filled out applications for Tim Hortons and Save-on-Foods and I probably looked like a good candidate right up until my employment history. I couldn’t even remember what year it was my last job was. Luckily, I had e-mailed myself a resume a couple years back (that I saved) and so I was able to actually find out.

It’s so intimidating honestly to be looking for work again. I feel like I’m not qualified to do any of these things. Even just making coffee. The pace is really what worries me. At home, it’s so laid back and nothing is rushed, if I don’t get it done I don’t get it done. Whereas out in the real world, time is money, which is everything. I remember the last serious job I had, at McDonalds, was always incredibly rushed. I was younger and more energetic back then and I found the pace daunting. Imagine what it’s going to be like now. I’ll probably cry.

What’s most surprising to me though, is that even though I’m scared as hell about the entire school/work thing, I’m more determined at this moment to do something other than what I’m doing, that it’s a possibility that it could happen. And honestly, it’s perfect timing. The Boyfriend’s on part-time, so me working part-time is absolutely no problem at all. And it will give me time to transition to full-time.

Honestly, I’d rather go to school than work, but taking out a student loan and grant to go for Unit Clerk a couple years back (and then dropping out because I had no one to watch the kids, so I could go to school), has made it an incredibly stressful task. Even just applying for it is nerve-racking for me, because I just see that student loan coming to bite me in the ass over and over again. You’re mistakes always come back to haunt you.

But the GED program is government funded, I can get my high school equivalency, that way I don’t look like some loser drop out. And then maybe next year, really try to get into this Web Design thing. The GED is way more scary than the web design thing to me, because the GED includes things like math, which I’m horrible at. I still use my fingers regularly to add simple numbers!!!

I don’t know why, but today all I seem to be thinking about is how much I need to get a life outside of my house and my kids. I’ve felt nothing but this incredible amount of sadness over how isolated I’ve become. Not that I’ve ever really been one to go out and do stuff and hang out with people and have friends, but I’m sure starting to despise being stuck in the house all day, everyday. And when I do leave the house, it’s not for me. It’s to get food for the kids, or rent money from the bank or to pick Kaeidyn up from school.

What does everyone else think about when they do the dishes? What is the most common thought a stay-at-home mom has when she’s doing her daily cleaning? For me, every time I start to clean (which almost automatically makes me mad, because I’m all like, “Didn’t I JUST do this?!?!?”), I just start thinking about all the choices I made that got me to where I am today.

This morning, I was doing some research on what it would take to become a sexologist or sex therapist, my ultimate dream jobs. And almost as soon as I found the answer, the entire dream bubble was completely popped. I just kept thinking, if I didn’t make all those choices I made, it could possibly happen.

I’ve been in a horrible funk since last night, and I just don’t see it changing. I feel incredibly angry at myself. Will I never learn? I hate that I know, logically know, how to change my life. How to get my house clean and start feeling better about myself, especially as a parent. How to complete one thing, instead of starting a whole bunch of things that never get finished. I know how to do these things. And it makes me angry at myself that, while I know the solutions to all the things that I currently hate about this life, I just keep doing the things that I hate. Dating the kind of people I hate. Letting my house get to this state where I hate it.

Today, Kaeidyn goes and asks The Boyfriend, as he’s getting ready to go over to his friends’ house, “You have friends?” and he says, “I’ve got a bunch of friends, but I only hang out with one of them.” He kind of scoffs, “That’s pathetic.”, and I literally said, “Hey, at least you have even one friend!” He’s all like, “You have me Babe!”

And yes, I have him and I have Alfie for “friends”, though I don’t think you can ever count your babies daddies as friends. Alfie would’ve ditched and stopped talking to me years ago, if we didn’t have kids together. We really have nothing in common, we have completely different values, and if I didn’t have kids with him, I probably wouldn’t put up with him. Even The Boyfriend is more of a buddy than a friend.

I can’t seriously talk to him about my interests, because no one seems to take sexuality seriously, and he doesn’t know anything more than, “I like this song” about music. When I do have things that I would talk to a friend about, like my Boyfriend, I don’t want to talk to The Boyfriend about it, because I’m so scared of becoming that irrational, over-emotional, jealous psycho bitch, that I was once known as.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at really. I need to get a job or go back to school or something. Something outside of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Even a freaking date night would help. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day, and nothing except for maybe finances changing, or a dish didn’t get dirty. It’s just this vicious circle and I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how women with a lot of kids stand it. How do you get passed this isolated feeling?

I wish that Carter would stop crying. I wish that he’d let me put him down. I feel permanently attached to him today, except for earlier when he was happy playing on floor. From that, his knees are all red and almost look like he’s starting to get rug burn.

We had one successful feeding with the formula, and now he’s back to refusing to take it. He seems to be getting distracted from feeding altogether and only really takes well to my breast now when I’m laying down. And I can’t, nor do I want to, lay down all the time!

All the kids have been testing my annoyance levels all day today. Kaeidyn’s been hungry literally all day, I think it’s time for another growth spurt. After cereal this morning, within half an hour she was asking for a snack. Even after she got her snack, she kept asking for more food. Lunch came around, and she downed her lunch and then asked for a snack immediately after. She had two snacks before dinner, mowed down on dinner and is now having yet another snack before bed.

They all seem to be extremely whiny lately too. Especially the boys. I feel bad saying it, but honestly Kenzie’s voice right now is just about the most annoying thing ever. Even when he’s happy, he has a piercing, whiny twang to his voice that automatically causes my temples to pulse. It doesn’t help that he is completely unaware of the volume of his whiny twang, so it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he’s being told to quiet down.

Keirnan’s been crying constantly and seems to cause himself at least two wounds a day. I don’t know if it’s clumsiness as much as it is carelessness. He hits his head off things, even though he ducks when he thinks it’s going to hit him in the head. Somehow manages to hit the table, the counter and the doorknobs constantly. Instead of walking over or picking up a toy, he’ll just step right on it. Which results in a bout of relentless tears and his intense squealing which just about drives me over the edge every time he does it.

I’ve been doing things to try to squander the whininess as much possible, like I used to be able to do. For instance, I let them play outside constantly. Usually when they get fresh air, they become exhausted and pretty much quiet. Now though, it almost seems to make them grumpier. Or giving them a drink. Usually after they’ve had a drink, they don’t whine as much. They’ll sit quietly and drink their drink. Lately, they get a drink and then they all seem to get out of control.

I think that’s the biggest reason why it’s reached this point of overwhelming annoyance. Everything about life right now is completely out of control. The condition of my house is out of control, my finances are out of control, the kids are out of control, the list goes on and on….

I finally and unexpectedly vacuumed the living room, which has been on my to do list for way too long. I was working away on the computer and then I got up to grab a piece of paper that Kaeidyn had left on the ground from Carter, and next thing you know, I’m tidying the floor and vacuuming it. Even though you can hardly tell now, but it’s the thought that counts.

Talked to my landlord today, and this load limiter thing is just a ridiculous thing. Now my landlord wants me to call them back and if they say it’s his responsibility again, he’s gonna call and deal with it, so that I end up having to pay the last eight months of arrears. The thing that pisses me off about it, isn’t that I have to pay that money. It’s that I wish I would’ve known that something was up with my power and I don’t know whose fault it actually was, the providers or the landlords. Plus it pisses me off, because eight months of arrears is not going to come cheap, and right now money is so tight that it will probably take me another eight months just to pay the arrears. And then I’ll have eight more months of arrears to start paying and I’ll be stuck in a horrible and vicious circle.

The Boyfriend has been looking into going down to part-time. Financially speaking, it’s completely inconvenient and couldn’t have possibly come at a worse time. But it’s also killing him in all sorts of ways to continue on like this. If it weren’t graveyard and if he could get some proper sleep, it wouldn’t be that bad. Unfortunately, it’s just not working out and when almost everyday he’s talking about hating his job, how could I possibly not support him on something that could change his physical, mental and emotional status – and for the better.

And if he goes down to part-time, then I can possibly start a part-time job. That would make me ecstatic. I’ve been craving going back to work for years, and it seems the longer I don’t work, the more I want to. Obviously I couldn’t work for long hours or anything, because Carter’s only willing to do rice cereal once a day. But if I could work it around his feedings, maybe during his afternoon nap, I could get away with anywhere from 2 -4 hours of work a couple of times a week.

Yesterday, Alfie took the kids overnight. The Boyfriend had to work last night, so I stayed up as late as I could so that I could sleep in with him in the morning. We slept until almost 3 PM, and it was such a good sleep. The only thing that sucked about my sleep at all, was around 9 AM, Goober showed up and starting tapping on the door. He hung out around the outside of the house until we woke up at 3.

At about 4:30, we picked up the kids. They were so good tonight. Kenzie fell asleep on the couch, played about 20 minutes of games before bed, and then went to bed with ease. Kaeidyn was really good and all she really cared about was that we were both wearing pants underneath our dresses and that I cleaned her ears.

I was trying to get Keirnan to copy me saying everyone’s name. He is so lazy about it. Kaeidyn is “aiyan”, Kenzie is “ehzie”, Carter is “cah”. He’s been trying to copy everybody with talking, and it just doesn’t seem to be working out for him at all.

Carter slept with us all day, waking up a couple times and just playing in between The Boyfriend and I. Then when we got out of bed, he was in such an incredible mood. Laughing and talking. The Boyfriend thinks he’s starting to say Mama, and claims that everytime I leave, Carter will start whining “mamamamama, mamamamama”. It’s so cute.

None of the other kids seemed to really notice when I was gone. They preferred to be with Mama T or Alfie. So it’s nice to have that change. It’s a good thing The Boyfriend and I are planning on having at least one more kid (a girl) sometime down the road, that way he can experience the whole Daddy’s baby thing.

The Boyfriend is beginning to seriously despise his job, and almost every single day, there’s a comment about going down to part time or looking for another job altogether. I feel bad for him, and I generally just feel bad. It’s not that he hates the job at all, it’s that he hates the time of the job. He hates that it takes him away from Carter and me and the kids, because when he’s not working, he’s sleeping so that he’s not tired for work.

I keep trying to tell him that to me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only times it bothers me is when I’m incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed, or when he sleeps most of his days off. I still think the biggest solver to the problem, would be some sort of routine. But we’ve had no luck creating, or sticking to, any of our big plans that we had at the beginning of this year.

The other day, The Boyfriend and I, for the first time in our lives, purchased stuff online. So around the 15th, we should be getting Mario Party 8 for the Wii! Plus two more things that you can read about on The XXX Rated Rantings. We’re super excited. Too bad I can’t drink yet, because Mario Party games make for fun drinking games šŸ˜‰

I think starting next month (April WOO! It means it’s closer to summer!), I’m gonna start NaBloPoMo again. I hate that I post so little now. I think maybe it’d be fun to do NaBloPoMo on both the PG Rantings and The XXX Rated Rantings. I totally think I could manage it, so maybe that’s what I’ll do for April.

We definitely didn’t do as much cleaning as I hoped we would’ve during The Boyfriend’s holiday. So I’m really really hoping (and planning) that this week will be incredibly productive, and I’ll get a few things crossed off of my ever-growing checklist. Three big goals are the kitchen, the bathroom and my room. Wish me luck šŸ˜‰

I’ve also been slacking massively on my workouts, so I think this week, the goal is to pick it back up and start working out again. Hopefully I’ll be able to stick to it.

Times have been trying these last couple of days. And my brother seems to be doing worse everyday. I don’t think he’s sleeping much, as he spends most of the night stalking around outside of my house, as I discovered last night…

The Boyfriend started his one week holiday yesterday. Somehow, he managed to stay up really late with me. At about one in the morning, Goober shows up on my doorstep. I fake that we’re all asleep and don’t answer the door. He stands on my doorstep for about 15 minutes, talking to himself and finally leaves.

At about four, he comes back and Kaeidyn had woken up because she had laid on her ears for too long. Since she got them pierced, when she lays on her sides, the backs of the earring poke into her neck. Well she hears him knock at the door, at four in the morning and goes to let him in. Both The Boyfriend and I tell her not to, and we turn everything off and convince her to go back down to bed. He sits outside, on the car, for the next twenty minutes talking to himself. Then he stands up, and takes off all his sweaters, and stares into our window with just his T-shirt and pants on. Another ten minutes goes by, and he finally leaves.

Today, he slightly admitted to the fact that he’s not alright, when he said that being at Mama T’s place is tripping him out. And I feel incredibly bad for him. The big sister in me, wants to take him into my house and keep my watchful eye over him. But then I remember what it’s like when he is here, and I’m in no way prepared to take him in full-time. The couple hours a day is almost to the point of ending, because I’m sick of ending every visit with him yelling at him to get the f*** out of my house!

Even the kids can’t stand the way he is. Kaeidyn gets incredibly angry at him when he talks to himself and will sit there going, “Uncle, stop talking to yourself. You’re acting crazy!”, or when he stares at anyone and she notices, she’ll saying “Uncle, you’re staring again.” It makes her very uncomfortable to be around him, and she picks up on my annoyance with him the second I feel it.

He needs to get some serious mental help. And he’s so worried that they’ll lock him up in an institution and force him to take meds, and that the family will completely disown him, that he won’t even consider it. Mama T’s boyfriend, Chef, also has Goober convinced that the only road to sanity is to get a job. And since Goober believes him and Chef went through an almost similar experience with Ketamine, Goober believes that what Chef says is the only thing in the world that makes sense. So everytime you tell him that mental health is what he should be focusing on, he says “Chef says I need to work a camp job. But I don’t want a camp job. So I’m just looking for one really hard in town here.” Every once in and awhile he’ll throw in that no one will hire him because he’s a “punk”.

I’m not sure what to do for him or where to go from here with this whole thing. A part of me wants to just write him out of my life for good. Not answer the door when he comes over, ignore him when I see him in public. But another part of me, thinks that’s terribly heartless and wants to scoop him up and save him and mother him. This whole week has been all about trying to make a decision… Unfortunately, I haven’t come up with anything yet…

Well that’s all I had to write. Anyone got words of advice?

I am sweating so bad!! I just did a 20 minute workout on Your Shape! I gave up after I got to a side plank and my right arm kept snapping underneath my weight. I tried modifying it by putting one knee bent on the ground (still in perfect form), but it was getting too hard for me to hold myself up.

I was literally dripping with sweat during my workout. I was a little disappointed, because I put in that I wanted to strengthen my abs, and it seemed to give me alot more leg workouts. So it was alot of squats, which I guess is good, but my legs aren’t really in need of that much work.

One of these days, probably after we get more batteries now, I’ll take a picture of myself now, with my measurements and then a couple months from now, when I get on a workout routine, I’ll put another full body picture up with the change in measurements. That could potentially be really fun or really embarrassing.

It seems like my knee, back and neck are all going to beĀ hindrancesĀ in me completing whatever fitness goal it is that I have, which I think right now is just overall toning. I don’t really think I have any weight to lose, I’m 5’7″ in 136 lbs, and I don’t think that that is that bad. But I do need to tone what I have, at the very least, get a little bit of definition.

Today, The Boyfriend, Kaiedyn, Carter and I all went up to The Boyfriend’s Sister’s place. It was her twins birthday party, and we didn’t have enough room in the car for Kenzie and Keirnan, so it was a nice little half-a-family outing. Kaeidyn got to decorate cookies and she played with tons of kids. Kenzie and Keirnan stayed home with Alfie, and I suppose they had a good time. No complaints from anyone, so it was all good.

It was nice to get out of the house. It’s beginning to sound like it happens alot more than it used to, yet not as much as it did during the summer. I can’t wait for this summer and all our walking. Hopefully, by summer, we’ll have a vehicle of our own and we can all go to some of our favourite places around town here. Maybe even eventually venture out of town.

I think as long as The Boyfriend is working graveyards, we’ve pretty much got two days out of the week to work with, and even that’s pushing it. I hate complaining about his job, because I know that it makes him feel horrible for having the job, even though he had it before we got together. It seriously drives me nuts though that he’s gotta sleep during the day when I’m most active, and he can’t sleep next to me, and then spending extra time together cuts into his sleeping.

Like today, because we went to the birthday party and he didn’t want to leave me yet, he’s only getting about two hours of sleep before heading back to work. It sucks, and I wish he didn’t have to go to work and that way he could just sleep next to me and everything would be fine.

Mama T’s still out at the Olympics and her boyfriend came back into town a couple days back. Goober, my brother, has been avoiding going back to Mama T’s house as much as possible. Today, we went to the birthday party and told Goober he couldn’t be here while Alfie was here, as usual. Told him to come back after 4 PM, though we were getting home at 3. We pull up right at 3, and there he is, standing in the middle of our yard with his huge stick, looking like the town creep. Upon being told he looks like a creep, he says “I know, it’s fun!”. Not so much fun for me!

So the kids got put to bed tonight, and the boys thought it would be hilarious to spill their sippy cups all over their bed. This was after I got mad at them for screaming at the top of their lungs, while The Boyfriend was in the room next to them trying to get his two hours of shuteye. When I saw the sippy cup mess, I gave all the kids “the look”, and now they are laying down quietly. It only took me 15 minutes, which is better than the usual 45 minutes to an hour. Unless The Boyfriend or Alfie deal with it. At bed time, they just don’t listen to me usually.

Carter has been constantly hungry, or so it seems to me, especially at night time. I think my breast milk might be slowing down and he’s not getting enough in the normal amount of time for feedings. We normally go for almost an hour and a half, jumping back and forth between right and left breasts. It’s becoming more and more difficult to stay determined to breastfeed. It’s just so all encompassing, and sometimes I don’t feel like doing it. Even though I know I have to. Hopefully he’ll start solids soon, so that at least I can take a break every once and awhile.

Well that’s pretty much my day in a nutshell. Now it’s time to relax on the couch, watch TV and feed my hungry, teething baby. My head hurts after my workout, so maybe I’ll take one or two tylenol and call it a night shortly after The Boyfriend leaves for work.