Posts Tagged ‘Jealousy’

It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

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