Posts Tagged ‘Health’

It was a really good day today. After sleeping in until 11 AM (which is a rarity), Alfie and I went to Kaeidyn’s parent/teacher conference. I am happy to report that she is doing magnificently and has improved in every single area. She’s been in speech therapy for awhile now, working on her “sh” sounds, plurals and s-blend words. We’ve been working with her at home, they’ve been working at school and she also practices alot on her own. So she’s at an 80% accuracy for all her speech now, which is a mass improvement from 3 months ago.

They do a variety of tests, comparing from one time to another. Three months ago, she couldn’t rhyme, she could hardly recognize numbers or letters and she couldn’t spell anything but her name. Today, we find out she’s rhyming with ease, she recognizes 20 letters and every number up to eleven without difficulty (after that, she gets a little jumbled). She even knows how to recognize and spell five different words!!! Needless to say, I’m a very proud mommy!!

Then after we got back from that, we decided we were going to walk over to McDonald’s (since Mom took the car back…). It was a pretty nice day, if you take away the wind. But a hoodie, a jacket and a puffy vest was all I needed ๐Ÿ˜‰ Found a tandem stroller that I had forgotten I had down in the furnace room, so it was super easy because Carter chilled in the back, and the other kids took turns in the front.

Alfie sure can stress me out when it comes to those kids though. Kaeidyn and Kenzie wanted to walk across these bricks that kind of form a wall on the side of the sidewalk. They’re completely safe to walk on, and it’s like a balance beam, but thicker. Well the kids wanted to walk on it, and Alfie starts, “You guys, be careful. You shouldn’t walk on that.” Prior to him saying anything, I didn’t think anything of it. After he said something, I suddenly got all panicky and insisted on trying to hold their hands. Of course, they wouldn’t have any of it.

McDonald’s was about as fun as it always is for us adults. Even though we didn’t stay for a super long time, the kids had fun running around and playing with other kids. Especially Kaeidyn, who adopted some little girl as her best friend, before they had actually even played together. Carter even got to play on the play place, and had fun kneeling at the stairs.

Walking home was much harder than walking there. Walking there, all the kids were excited and energized. Walking home, they were all tuckered out, full and whiny. Kenzie especially, who cried almost all the way home, until Alfie took both him and Keirnan and ran through the forest on the other side of the street from us (when I say forest, I mean just a grouping of trees. It’s not some natural wonder or something ;))

We got home and Kaeidyn was super incredibly whiny. After so long of her whiny about literally everything, we just sent her down to bed. Some more whining and wailing went on, and then she fell asleep. I think she seriously needed it. She woke up a little on the grumpy side, but once she got a drink, she was much much better.

Tonight was also an incredibly easy night for getting everyone to sleep. At about 8 PM, Kenzie started to complain that he was tired, so I told him he could fall asleep on the couch or down in bed, if he’d like. We put a movie on, and within 45 minutes, he was passed out on the couch and has been ever since. Kaeidyn and Keirnan went and laid down in my bed, and within minutes Keirnan was fast asleep. Kaeidyn gave a little bit of hassle at first, and kept coming upstairs and then saying that she didn’t know why she had come upstairs. But by 10 PM, she was fast asleep too.

We also have had a couple of pretty big accomplishments with Carter, who has eaten rice cereal a whole bunch lately (2 bowls of it the other day with Daddy!!!!), and today, for the first time ever, The Boyfriend held him and Carter drank his formula!!! No crying, no complaining, no giving up. He just took it. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get him to take it again. But it’s an accomplishment nonetheless.

I have had a few days of accomplishing pretty much nothing. I haven’t done any cleaning whatsoever (though there’s a thousand things calling my name and saying, “clean us, please clean us!” – and I just keep whispering back, “Nuuhhhhh!”), I’ve barely been on the computer working on stuff, and I’ve been curled up on the couch eating and watching TV.

I’ve been craving a workout really bad too. I told the kids today that we would go to the exercise park, and then we ended up going to McDonald’s. Almost every night when I go to bed, I make a huge to do list of all the things I need to get done the next day, and I never seem to do a single thing on the list done.

When I’m laying in bed at night, thinking of all the things I need to do, it’s like I get a burst of energy to do the things. Almost every night, I talk myself out of getting into bed by saying, “It’s really late already. Just go to sleep.”, and so I normally will. I’m starting to think that my only solution to this problem that I seem to be having, is to just get out of bed and start cleaning. It’s such a frustration.

Another huge frustration, is the fact that almost none of my clothes fit me properly the way I want them to. And the bigger frustration in all of that, is that I know what it takes for me to get where I want to be, healthily. For some reason, I just can’t come anywhere near close to executing it. So now I have this huge decision to make. Either start exercising and eating better so that I can fit into the clothes that I currently own, or succumb to the laziness and boredom hunger and just buy a bigger size… I’m hoping I’ll get motivated enough to do the former.

This is the thing that sucks the most about the whole working out thing. It’s not that I don’t like to work out. It’s that to do what I want to do to make my body look the way I want it to look (if that makes any sense), I’m gonna have to include alot of cardio. Then I’ll get to go into the stuff that I like, which is strength and flexibility training (though don’t get the idea that I’ve ever been strong, because I haven’t… Or at least, not physically ;)) The cardio is an issue, because I’ve been a smoker for seven ย years. Even though I quit for about a month and a half awhile back, I’m back on the smoking train. And I don’t see quitting in my near future.

I just hope I complete at least one goal this year. From start to finish. Because I’ve started alot of goals, and haven’t even come close to completing one of them.

One more thing, before I leave you. Tomorrow, I will officially begin NaBloPoMo again. I had meant to do it every single month for the entire year, but the life of a 23-year-old, stay-at-home mom of four (who almost never leaves the house) makes it incredibly difficult. Not only because you’re a mom and the demands of that are so high, but also because there’s not much that happens in a typical day. So I’ve decided instead to try to do it three or four times this year. Hopefully maybe even more. Tomorrow will be month two!

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So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

So I was saddened this morning, when Kaeidyn came in with 5 minutes to spare before the bell rang for school. My alarm has officially bitten the dust. I’ve had it for 13 years and it just now crapped out on me. Sadness…

Kaeidyn ended up not going to school today, which at first made her really upset and angry, but when I agreed to do school stuff with her, she changed her mind. So we practiced some writing, worked on her “sh”, “s” and “st” sounds and then we played Wii all afternoon.

My arm is killing me from all the swinging. I feel like my bicep in my right arm is already bigger. Seriously, if I don’t lose weight playing these games, there’s something seriously wrong, because you move so much (even when you’re trying not to) and there’s no way that you’re not burning calories. It also forces you to use your core alot, the whole knees bent, legs shoulder width apart, standing up straight, and keeping things tight is really in play when you’re playing baseball, or archery (which I rock at ;)), or cycling.

After coming home with the Wii yesterday morning, with Wii Sports (which comes with the Wii), The Boyfriend and I decided we wanted more games, which resulted in a trip back to Wal-Mart. So then we got the Wii Sports Resort and My Sims Party. Sports Resort is so much fun, I could play it all day (if my arm wasn’t killing me). The My Sims Party I’m still getting used to. You have to use your head in that one, and I’m not so great at that whole aspect of it yet. Moving and using my head, too much to deal with ๐Ÿ˜‰

We all did our fitness tests with our Mii’s. The Boyfriend and I did ours yesterday, and Kaeidyn and Kenzie did theirs today. The Boyfriend’s Day 1 Fitness Age = 33, Day 2 Fitness Age = 27. My Day 1 Fitness Age = 78, Day 2 Fitness Age = 67. Kaeidyn and Kenzie both got a Fitness Age of 80!!! They both love to play boxing, and Kaeidyn has officially trumped everyone in the house, and has beaten The Boyfriend multiple times (though if it helps him feel any better, while a 5-year-old can kick his butt, this 23-year-old sure can’t!!).

I got to take a nap all by myself today. The Boyfriend stayed up with the kids, even Carter! I had planned to sleep for 2-3 hours at the very least, but was woken up to a strange man’s voice and got about an hour in (strange voice was a guy trying to get us to switch from our current entertainment bundle provider, Shaw, to Telus’ entertainment bundle). Surprisingly, the hour of sleep was exactly all I needed. I woke up with a ton of energy, did a ton of dishes (which was desperately needing to be done), and then played Wii for a bit before making dinner.

I also realized today, that I’ve been spelling surprise wrong for at least a decade. I had always spelt it “suprise” and never thought anything of it from there. Then today, I’m typing away on Facebook, and I write something like “Are you suprised?”, and the this spell checker that we have squiggles some lines underneath. I’m like “What?!?!?!”, then I realized that there’s definitely a letter missing. So I’ve been correcting myself ever since. Now if only I could start spelling definitely write, instead of always writing “definetely”.

I had started this blog night, with absolutely no ideas on what to write. The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, watching Jeopardy, and I was all whining about having nothing to write about. Get me in front of my blog, and I suddenly become a story teller. May be a boring life, but that’s what it is to be me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Until we meet again…

We were doing so good
We were making such strides
We had kicked the addiction
We were changing our lives

I don’t want to whine, I really don’t. The Boyfriend and I agreed to a cheat day a couple days back, and bought a pack of smokes. We had both been complaining about wanting a smoke. As I’ve said, it seems harder to not smoke now than it did for the first three weeks. Our cheat pack lasted one day…

So then the next day, we bought another pack which only lasted a day. Today was a two pack day (that were bought, we’ve smoked one so far :() And seriously, I hate it. I want to go back to the way I felt when I wasn’t smoking. I’m still just considering it cheating.

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch, and I said “I think starting Saturday, I’m not buying anymore smokes”, and he goes “Really?” as if he was disappointed. All along, I had thought that he was so upset that I had given in, and that he was loving the quitting. So I say “You want to keep smoking?!?!”, ย and he goes “We’re chasing the wagon. I figure as long as we never go over a pack a day.”

It feels like crap. We were doing so very good. Those first three weeks, I was managing any possible cravings I had (put on 7″ in the process, but I blame that partially on quitting but more on breastfeeding), though it wasn’t for the smoke that I was having a craving. It was for the exhale. That’s always been my favourite part of smoking. Exhaling and watching the smoke blow out my mouth, feeling like all the problems are going with it. That, and I love the way I look exhaling ๐Ÿ˜‰ It feels very french retro.

After the first three weeks, it seemed like at least once a day, everyday, I would be seriously craving a smoke. I’d start thinking about it, then I’d start talking about it. Then I started bumming a smoke or two a day off Alfie, and then came the day of the cheat pack…

It just makes me feel really hopeless about all the other goals that I had set for myself, and made me realize how many of those goals I’ve also given up on.

  • Doing dishes everyday.
    The Boyfriend had 3 days off, and I didn’t do more than what was needed for meals every night. So 5 plates, 5 forks, and whatever cookery we used for the meal.
  • Lifting my weight everyday
    I was doing awesome. I think I did a week and a half straight. Then The Boyfriend bought me the stability ball and resistance band (and the vacuum so I could put the stability ball on the floor without fear of it popping), and I haven’t lifted weights a day since. The Boyfriend’s been doing it on and off, even doing push ups and on the days that he doesn’t lift weights, he does 25 presses with Carter whose about 13 pounds.
  • Vacuuming everyday
    I’ve vacuumed twice. Both times were delightful experiences. I just haven’t had an ounce of energy to do it. The kids were doing really good keeping their toys downstairs for about a week, and it was easy to clean the living room then. Now, they’ve started bringing everything up here, and it’s just easier to leave it than clean it!

This week has been a week of disappointments. I had so many plans for this week, and I didn’t accomplish a single one of them. Even The Boyfriend, who works graveyards, and sleeps during the day, got more done than I did.

I had planned to go grocery shopping yesterday, but then we got busy around the house and so I said I would do it today. Today rolled around, and it was cold outside, so I’ve put it off for another day. I finally buckled and called my aunt for a ride downtown to drop all my paperwork off, even though my original plan was to walk down, take a bus back. But I guess I’m too much of a diva for that or something…

I wish it was just easy to become motivated, and be less lazy. You’d think that it would ย be so simple. Just get off your butt. For some reason, for alot of reasons maybe, it just seems so hard! I feel very stumped, like I’ve hit a brick wall. I hope I figure something out, I think it’s time for another re-evaluation…

So question: Kenzie’s been out of control with the asking about games. I swear all I really heard from him today was “Can I play a game yet?”, and every single time it got whinier and whinier. At one point, I was sure that only dogs could hear the pitch he was reaching…

Saying “Wait” seemed to work for a better portion of the day. “Just wait a minute, Kenzie” and it would buy us about an hour of silence. Is it horrible to continually tell your kids to wait? It feels like it’s being mean, but “No” causes a horrendous fit, giving in means he’s on the games all day long, wait buys time in between the ever annoying question.

Well time to feed the baby…

Today has been an incredibly long day. The poor Boyfriend is exhausted and I feel so bad for him, because even though he had last night off, he had to go back to work today.

We decided today would be the perfect day to do some cleaning. Really, he did all the cleaning, I just kind of paced. So he took no nap because he was hard at work doing a variety of things. Like sweeping the floor (which I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do), he tidied up the storage room (which hasn’t been touched in months, and has become a catch-all for junk), took all the bags of bottles (from the 2 bottles of Sprite I go through a day), downstairs so they were out of the way ย and even took apart the futon so we could get the kids on the big mattress instead of the small mattress.

I did some dishes today, and made a delicious and classic Sunday dinner. We had roast beef, yorkshire puddings, mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes and gravy. Unfortunately there was no corn, but I was filled after one plate and only Kaeidyn asked for more meat.

Kenzie hasn’t been feeling very good since yesterday when he puked. He spent most of yesterday sleeping, and then spent the daytime today playing games or watching TV, and then fell asleep shortly after dinnertime. He’s been completely asleep ever since.

So, I was watching The Golden Globes and you would not believe what happened. I literally was so excited. Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory (my current favourite comedy on TV), and Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls (my second favourite show of all time, coming second only to ER), presented an award together.

Jim Parsons and Lauren Graham

I have to admit that I have a huge crush on Jim Parsons, also known as Sheldon Cooper. At first I thought it was just a crush on his character, but then I went on YouTube and watched a few hours worth of interviews with him, and then seeing him on Rachael Ray and Ellen (the only thing that’s on at 4 and 6 when I’m most likely to be watching TV), I think he is so sexy in this totally different way.

Lauren Graham is just plain amazing. I watched her way back when she was on Newsradio, and then I started watching Gilmore Girls the very first time it was ever played. And then I watched it throughout the whole seven seasons (I took a hiatus sometime during 2001 or 2002, though caught up…), plus I watched it when it started from the beginning and carried through on the W Network, and now we’re working on building my DVD collection, and have the first and second season and are expanding as quickly as I can.

So I was so happy to see that two of my favourite people presented an award together. Right away, The Boyfriend and I were going off about them being in a romantic comedy together. Though I still don’t know if I could ever see Sheldon Cooper with another human being in an intimate sense, let alone a woman. And if it is going to be a woman, it should be me, and Lauren Graham can wait her turn.

I’m really hoping tomorrow I’ll have more energy than I did today. Today, I was craving a smoke so bad. I don’t even know why. It seems the more time that goes by, the more I miss smoking. I miss having the excuse, I miss having the routine. “I’ll make dinner after this smoke”, “Oh, dinner is done. Time for a smoke”, I miss that. I miss taking a bath and The Boyfriend having to bring me down a smoke, it was a reason for him to come in while I was soaking. Now, there’s no reason, so he doesn’t. So today I pretty much sat curled up in a chair, whining about wanting a smoke.

Well Kaeidyn’s got school tomorrow, and we’ve gotta get up early so that she can take a bath in the morning. Hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough tonight, that I’ll just fall straight to sleep. Doors locked, check. Light on, check. Now it’s just a matter of not thinking about anything morbid. Wish me luck ๐Ÿ˜‰

Well today was a day to say the least. It felt incredibly long, mostly stressful and a tiny bit exhausting. Even though it was a “No School Day”, (which I swears happens more now than it did when I was in school) the kids were still up at 7:30 this morning. I always hate that, because I wish they would sleep in so bad on days off. Even just until 9 or something. So even though The Boyfriend said he’d wake up with the kids, Carter had woken up and I just chose to get out of bed instead of feeding him until he went back to sleep.

Around noon The Boyfriend went to bed, and Alfie came over shortly after that. The Boyfriend has issues with Alfie, just as Alfie has issues with The Boyfriend, and each of them have justifiable rights to their issues. After The Boyfriend and I’s talk about things last night, we both agreed that it would be best if Alfie had two days a week where he didn’t come over. He used to stay home at least two days a week, but that was also back when he was taking the kids on weekends. He hasn’t done that in a long time.

I’m not 100% sure why, as I often don’t understand Alfie, but he didn’t like this idea of lessening to 5 days a week, as opposed to 7. Threw a mini hissy fit, that I basically ignored. I hate it though, because he can make me feel like I’m taking the kids away from him, even when I’m just setting routine-type rules. Are there any other people who have kids with a guy that you were never married to, and aren’t with anymore, that comes over to your house every single day of the week? Alfie’s response to that, when I said that it’s not normal to have him here everyday of the week, was that it’s not normal to date and have a kid with his friend. I think in comparison, dating your exes friend is a lot more normal than visiting your ex whose with your friend daily!!!

After our mini disagreement, I decided I wanted to go for a nap. Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep a wink. I laid there wide awake for 3 1/2 hours. The Boyfriend was curled up behind me, sleeping away, and Carter was curled right into me, sleeping away. I was laying in the middle very frustrated that I couldn’t seem to sleep. It didn’t help that the three terrors were upstairs jumping off the furniture and that’s all you could hear downstairs.

I woke up and did dishes, which made all three of the kids unhappy, because I wouldn’t let them help. I was very much not in the mood to do dishes at all, but I’ve already skipped a couple days of doing dishes here and there, and I hate that I can’t complete such a simple goal. I’ve been kicking my butt hard about some of these things.

I’ve been trying so hard to get all my goals written out, and you would not believe how hard it is. I keep making these very broad statements about what I want, and I don’t think about the little steps it takes there. My big goal since quitting smoking is to “Get Healthy”. Unfortunately for me, it’s not as simple as just getting healthy. There’s a whole bunch of steps to being healthy, such as eating properly and being physically active. Of course, that just raises more questions than it answers when I haven’t, in my entire life, really been healthy. I don’t know where to begin or where to go from there.

Another goal, “Get your life under control”, that’s a really broad one. There are a thousand goals within that one goal, from creating a routine and sticking to it, to paying off debts, to being more of the mother that I want to be. It’s really difficult to narrow it down into manageable steps. Of course, there’s almost no good places to go for the manageable steps to these goals. It’s to each persons requirements and specifications. To each their own. I don’t know what it’s like to have a life that’s under control, how am I supposed to know what types of steps I need to take to do these things?

The Boyfriend and I have officially opened a can of worms that will not shut. I haven’t yet decided if I like this open can of worms or not, but since our little talk yesterday, it feels like that’s all we’ve been doing. He’s constantly seeking reassurance that I’m not going to break up with him (which is ironic, because I was sure he was going to break up with me). We discovered in all our back and forth rantings that we are stuck in a vicious circle, and it might just end up being this way for the rest of our lives. Maybe this is the vicious circle that all young parents go through, because Alfie and I went through much of the same thing. Except for about 100 times worse.

In the beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, I made some serious mistakes that will forever affect the course of our relationship. He was the amazing boyfriend and I was the crappy girlfriend. We pushed through that. Now, according to him more than me, he’s the crappy boyfriend and I’m the amazing girlfriend. We’re just getting even. I figure it’ll level out in about 6 months, we’ll spend the next 6 months or so on an even level, where neither of us is good or bad, but instead we’re both just blissful. Then about 3 or 4 months later, we’ll start being crappy girlfriends and boyfriends again.

But the kids fell asleep in my bed, and I’m officially tired, so now it is time for me to move Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan from one bed to another. and crawl into bed with my grumpy Carter where I will drift off into a peaceful sleep *fingers crossed*.

Carter has been sweating all day in our abnormally hot house, and so the rolls under his neck have accumulated some interesting things today, some black lint, a ton of my hair and sparkles – not sure where they came from, but they’re there now!

Today has been a relatively unproductive day, with the exclusion of my workout. I’ve barely been on the computer at all today, except for watching a few videos on eHow (I’m trying to learn to belly dance) this morning. I washed a half a load of dishes, still have a sink full left. I did one load of laundry (though didn’t fold or put away a single thing yet). I didn’t even have to make dinner or lunch today!! Lesson: Sometimes complaining pays off ๐Ÿ˜‰

I started taking my calcium supplement today. I was supposed to start around the same time that I started Depo. I’ve done the birth control (and hated it), I don’t want to do an IUD, and all the other methods like the Nuva-Ring and the patch, are too new for me to feel comfortable with. Depo seemed like a good option simply due to the fact that I take it once every three months and my doctor’s office will call me when I’m due for my next shot.

The only problem with Depo, is that it promotes bone loss. I don’t drink milk (unless it’s a part of my cereal or ice cream, which are things that I only eat 3 or 4 times a year), so my doctor only prescribed Depo with my agreement to start calcium supplements. This is not my first time either. When I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, I also did calcium supplements for awhile.

This time we got these calcium soft chews, chocolate ones. I’m not much of a fan of chocolate, so that’s kind of a turn off. But if it will help prevent osteoporosis, I’ll give it a good try. Maybe it’ll help with alot of the problems that I’m already having with my joints!!

So a month or so into this no smoking thing, and I’m officially sick of not smoking. The first few days was fine for cravings, I’ll even go so far as to say the first three weeks were fine. This last week has been incredibly difficult. My stress levels are through the roof and a smoke would be nice. I’m trying my best to keep it together though…

Well I’ve got ten minutes to get this posted before it’s officially tomorrow and I fail my NaBloPoMo Challenge. So I’m gonna get this up and running and I’ll write again tomorrow!