Posts Tagged ‘Family’

I’m so happy it’s a sunny day today. Yesterday was so cold, and the house was so cold (until we turned the oven on…), and today has the potential of being a really nice day. I might even get to kick the kids outside for a bit 😉

So Kaeidyn got her first real slumber party the other night, after we went to see some of The Boyfriend’s family, on a cold and dreary, windy day in the park. Kaeidyn calls me when we’re getting ready to go pick her up, asking if she gets to come home soon. Then when I say yes, she bursts out into tears, “But I don’t want to come home now. I want to spend another night!” She came home…

My housework is getting out of control again, and it sucks because I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that Mama T was here helping out. Laziness, procrastination and soreness throughout my body are being huge hindrances in getting anything done. I think it also has something to do with The Boyfriend being home so often. When he’s around and awake (which happens more and more), I want to spend those moments with him – or at least close to him.

It’s been nice having him around so much. Even though we’ve been going through a little bit of a rough patch, for a whole bunch of reasons (mostly very petty reasons), it’s nice seeing him alot everyday and spending time with him and most importantly sleeping next to him. The only thing that sucks about it at all is that on his days off, he pushes his sleeping limit. He’ll try to stay up for almost the entire three days off, and spends most of it exhausted because of it (and normally the first two days off).

Went to Kaeidyn’s year-end review the other day. She’s doing amazing, and is on the verge of reading, so that’s really exciting. The school wants us to get her hearing checked because she’s still leaving off the “sh” at the end of words. She seems to be okay when she’s copying a person, but in just normal conversation, she’s constantly leaving it out.

I love that I’m the type of parent I always wanted to be when it comes to her year-end reviews. I tear up when I look at her scrapbook and see how much she’s improved. I ask tons of questions when we’re at them, checking to make sure she’s doing good. I’m just hoping one of these days (probably when she’s not only going for half a day), I’ll be one of those parents who gets involved in her schooling more, involved in the school more.

Keirnan’s appointment for getting his teeth pulled is coming up. It’s surprising to me that he hasn’t had more problems with the teeth. Before we went to the dentist, it seemed like every month or two he was getting infections and needing antibiotics. This last little while has been really good. He hasn’t complained about them at all, and only now is he starting to show signs of maybe getting an infection. Luckily, it’s only a few more weeks until they will be out and not causing him a problem.

Carter, my dear, sweet Carter. He has been motoring everywhere. We can’t look away from him for longer than a second before he’s half way across the room. He’s decided he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and yell down them (it echoes quite nicely), so we are often chasing him back to the living room. I don’t understand why we don’t use the safety gate more, other than the fact that I still haven’t even tried to learn how to use it.

Kenzie has been loud, really loud. And constantly hyper. He seems to have energy seeping from every pore in his body and can more often than not be found running about the house, screaming something. Followed, of course, by everyone else in the house going, “Quiet down, Kenzie!”, to which Keirnan normally responds, “No”, his new favorite word.

My body has been giving me all sorts of problems lately. I went for my pelvic ultrasound, and they said everything looked normal and the best they could figure is that it’s the depo causing it. My doctor wants me to start taking the shots every two months instead of every three. I don’t want to go off the depo though, this is the longest I’ve ever been on birth control without missing a day or forgetting to take my pills for a week or two. Even though there’s all these other things that I hate about it, at least it’s keeping me from getting pregnant. I just want to stop bleeding.

My entire body has been filled with pain these last couple of days. From things feeling like their swelling, to joints being stiff, and cramping all up and down my back, my pain is seriously exhausting. My knees and ankles have been really bad these past couple of days. I hate that I’m still so young, but feel so old. I even walk like an old lady.

I’ve been thinking about starting a serious workout regime, especially being that since I haven’t gotten to sleep in past ten in a really long time, it’s been easier and easier for me to wake up early. This morning, I was awake before the kids! I just want to get rid of my baby pooch (which looks like I’m 3 months pregnant on bad days!), and feel comfortable in this skin, because lately, I really really don’t. The only problem (along with almost all the problems in my life) is that I have absolutely no routine of the day. Or at least a very crappy routine.

The Boyfriend and I have been talking about getting some sort of routine in place. Especially where finances are concerned. I hate that we sit around talking about all this stuff, and then never do it. We need to become the kind of people who get up off our butts and just do things. Not the impulsive things we do. I mean, when we say we’re going to create a budget and stick to it, we need to become the type of people who will. Or when we say we’re gonna start working out, that we do.

Well, I think now I’m going to go browse through my local paper and see what jobs I might be able to apply online to (since I haven’t heard back from any of the previous places I applied at). I’m still not taking it very seriously, as I still have another 5 months of maternity leave left. But man, am I desperate to get out of the house more!

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So even though The Boyfriend let me sleep in until 11, and even though I went back down for a nap at 2:30, I am purely exhausted today. I literally just want to go back down to bed and sleep and do nothing else.

I hope that all the desire to sleep is just something to do with stress, and nothing more. Looks like Mama T will be coming over next week to help me do some of the cleaning around here, since it’s seriously gotten so out of control. I hate that I’m a 23-year-old woman who still needs her Mommy to come help her clean. But I can’t deny that I need the help.

Had to yell at the kids outside again today, this time for taking some sort of metal tool and smashing crap in the yard, and hitting the balconies with it. I went out and just yelled, “Go somewhere else!”, they ran. I’ve decided that the next time the kids are in the yard, and they’re ruining it in a way that will get me in trouble with my landlords, I’m just gonna go out there and be like, “Hey, can you take me to your parents?”, and then I’m gonna go and ask their parents nicely to try to keep their kids out of my yard. I can’t risk getting evicted because a bunch of young kids don’t know boundaries.

I need to start leaving my house every once and awhile… I’m starting to feel very isolated from the world. When I do leave the house, it’s just to go to Mama T’s, which isn’t really broadening my horizons, being that she lives a hop, skip and a jump away. I can’t wait until we get the van fixed (fingers crossed), so that we, as a family, can go places together. I can’t wait to start doing our walks again, especially now that we found the tandem stroller.

They’ll be no telling Keirnan to constantly speed up, because if he gets to slow, we can just put him in the stroller. And Carter likes the stroller, so that’s no problem. And there’s probably so many places around here, that we haven’t even begun to explore. I can’t wait for our first Edmonton Family Trip, like we’ve been talking about since Kaeidyn was born. I’m hoping this summer will be as fun as the last…

I feel quite bad. I’ve been inspired by a template on another blog, and have written quality content on another blog, and have essentially neglected this blog. Please forgive me.

These last few days have felt like they’ve dragged on forever. And daylight savings time sure isn’t helping. The sun shining brighter today, and longer, has me thinking it’s two hours earlier than it currently is…

Today has been one of those days, where I’ve run the gamut of emotions. From worried to relieved, happy to mad, and everywhere in between. I woke up early this morning, and The Boyfriend had coffee ready for me. My temples were pulsing, and the corner of my eye felt as if it were going to explode at any moment.

I took my anti-inflammatory, and rubbed the topical ointment on my aching knees and neck. I hopped on the computer, and typed through the forming of a migraine. Took some tylenol and finished another part to what seems to be the story that never ends!

The phone rang. I picked up the phone and a very professional voice asked for me. I’m thinking, “It’s Sunday, they don’t work on Sundays. What the heck is this?!?!?”, as I’m told Goober is in the emergency room. Don’t worry, I already did that. He’s not hurt and he’s not in trouble, though it looks like he’s finally going to get some help, whether he likes it or not.

After calling the family to let them know, it seemed like my phone rung off the hook for the rest of the day, even though that’s probably a mass over-exaggeration. I sure felt like I was pushing the green talk button every time my fingers left the keyboard.

I’m hoping to be able to go up and see him tomorrow, and take him some smokes since he’s probably nicking hard right now. Hopefully, he’s just sleeping. That’s what I did.

The kids seem to be stepping over lines left and right, the more the stress levels grow in the house. Kaeidyn’s attitude is beginning to take control of her, and I see more of myself in her with each passing day. She’s taken to hitting, and cries like she’s the victim when she hurts her brothers. While she becomes meaner to Kenzie and Keirnan, she insists on taking care of Carter.

From listening to the adults play games together, Kenzie began saying, “I’m going to kick your ass!” today. Every single time he’d say it, Kaeidyn would scream out, “Kenzie’s saying a bad word!”, and again I was forced to remind myself to stop saying bad words so much.

Keirnan’s been racing around the house, whining whenever anything stands in his way. He’s starting to get another cold, which couldn’t have come at a worst time, as he has a dentist appointment on the 22nd.

Carter is becoming louder and louder with each passing day. His cries penetrate the deepest parts of your ear, and mumbles of “mamamama” are a normal part of his daily tantrum. I was on the floor tickling him today and discovered, the harder he laughs, the less he smiles. I begin tickling him and he’s got a huge smile on his face. He starts laughing, and the smile fades until he’s almost completely straight faced.

I have spent the last two days, uncomfortably sitting in front of my computer monitor, hashing out blog posts like the end of the world was coming. It’s been fun, and I feel every creative juice in my bones flowing freely. This time of year does that to me. When the sun starts to shine, and the trees start looking alive again. Snow begins to melt and I no longer have to wear nine sweaters and two jackets just to walk to the car!

It’s time like these that I miss my beautiful guitar, my muse. I feel like now would be a perfect time to sing and play. Alas, she sits broken behind the DVD shelf. Oh well, someday…

Well I think I’ve pretty much summed up my day, and here’s to another one tomorrow 😉

Grumpy Face

Well I finally got more pictures up. It only took me forever! So I decided since I haven’t done it yet, I’m gonna add links to all my photo albums on Facebook (since it’s the only way for sure that you’ll get to see a bunch of pictures. I’d like to add them on here, but it takes too long!). I’ll probably also make a sidebar widget with the links, but not right now. So enjoy the pictures 😉

Pictures Pictures Everywhere

2010

Growing Up

New Set

Carter and Cupcakes

Carter Drayke

First Day of School

We Go Out

Paddle Boating

More Pictures

The Kids in Summer

Beach Day and Exercise

Big Family Outing

Fun at the Fountain


Picnic at the Ponds

Westerner Parade 2009

Westerner Parade 2009, Pt. 2

Recent Pictures

Transformers 2 – 2009

Day of Camping – Landscapes

Day of Camping

Happy Birthday Patty

My Little Photographers

My Little Photographers, Pt. 2

Newer Pictures of the Kids

Us

Christmas 2008

New Years 2009

The Three Terrors

    So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

    I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

    The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

    I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

    Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

    Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”.  I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

    Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

    Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

    After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

    So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

    Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

    Today is being yet another crappy day this week. It seems like this week has been made up of nothing but crappy days. I hate to complain, but I really don’t think that I like life at all this week.

    The Boyfriend and I seem to be having a rough time, even though I think he’s completely unaware of it. I think he thinks things are all great and fine. Though internally, I seem to be constantly awaiting the demise of our relationship. I feel like I’m not getting what I need or want, I’m not getting enough help, I’m just not getting enough. Maybe I’m being too picky. And I haven’t really communicated it all with him recently.

    I seriously don’t feel like instructing him on how to be a good boyfriend. I feel like we’ve passed that point. It used to be so different, and now I just feel like he’s being lazy and not putting any effort into anything really. And I could just be being hyper sensitive or whatever, but it’s been almost an entire week of everyday being unhappy with something to do with him.

    From not taking out the garbage, to not holding Carter enough (and giving me a break!), to saying I can sleep in and then it doesn’t happen, to not having any sex whatsoever. And it’s beginning to take it’s toll. This morning, he comes down when he first gets home from work and asks if I want to sleep longer. I say, “I don’t want to get up yet” and he says he’ll let me sleep. A little bit later, the kids all come down to my room, and say they’re hungry and The Boyfriend is sleeping. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep upstairs and it ticked me off to no end. If you’re tired and you don’t want to let me sleep in, or don’t think that you can make it for a couple of hours, freaking tell me!

    I just feel like our relationship has officially reached this point where we’re standing completely still. We’re not moving forward, or backwards, just not moving at all. It’s not like things are that different. It’s always been like this, just before I was willing to put up with alot more of it. Now, I’m freaking exhausted and lonely, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. If I’m going to be basically alone, I might as well be alone.

    I can’t even truly be mad at him, because most of this stuff can be blamed on his job. And he loves his job and needs to continue working it. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything better right now when it came to jobs. I don’t want to constantly be saying to him that I hate his job and blame a majority of the problems that we do have completely on his job. But lately, all I’ve been thinking about, is when we first started dating he assured me that he wouldn’t be on nights in a year. It’s been over that, and there is no light to the end of this tunnel. There has been no advances towards a daytime position, unless he wants to drop down to part time. Did I mention, we have four kids?!?!?!?

    My brother being back in town is becoming super stressful. He goes in and out of seeming normal so fast it’s ridiculous. I don’t know what to do for him at all and that stresses me out the most. I can’t help him right now, and there’s no one else who will. And I feel so bad for him.

    The kids are all doing relatively good. Kenzie had a two day grounding from games, because he wouldn’t help clean the playroom. So the rule was until the playroom was clean he wasn’t allowed to play games. On the second day, the rule changed to, if the room isn’t cleaned by dinner time, toys are getting thrown in the garbage. So there’s about a garbage bag full of toys downstairs, and they finally picked up most of their toys.

    Kaeidyn had her Valentine’s Day Party at school yesterday. Alfie and I have been bugging her constantly about this boy named Lukas in her class. I think Kaeidyn has a huge crush on him, though she denies it at all costs. Alfie sings to her “Kaeidyn and Lukas, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, and Kaeidyn gets so mad. But everytime she sees Lukas, she laughs at everything he does and then after will say “Oh my Gosh”, in this extremely exaggerated and dramatic voice. Trying to get his attention 😉

    Keirnan is finally starting to pick up on more words. Today he was playing games with Kenzie and Kenzie yells at Kaeidyn “It’s a 2-player”, so Keirnan turns around and yells out “2-player”. He’s getting it slowly. Carter’s been pretty good these last couple of days, though his teeth are killing him and he tends to be pretty whiny about it. He’s really starting to show a personality now though. Certain things make him smile, and he loves being tickled. He loves trying to copy other people too, especially if it involves sticking your tongue out. He thinks that’s the greatest and tries to imitate everytime.

    My knees are acting up again. I thought it was gone. After I had Carter, my knees lessened up in the hurting department and only got sore if I was going up and down the stairs too much or walking alot. Then out of nowhere, I woke up in the middle of the night, with a shooting pain down my leg and ever since then, my knee has been aching like crazy. Luckily, I have to go see the doctor soon for another shot of depo, so I’ll be talking to him about my knee pain then.

    So I guess that’s really all I have to say. Now it’s time to go wake The Boyfriend up so that he can go to the store, and then it’s time to feed Carter… Again!

    So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

    After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

    I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

    I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

    So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

    I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

    Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

    As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

    The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

    This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

    He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

    I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

    I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

    So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

    Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….