Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

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These last couple of days have been full of emotions for me. From stressed to happy, and annoyed to giddy. The kids have all been pretty rotten these last couple of days. Kaeidyn’s been whiny and bossy, and learning too much, too young. And I never thought I’d be one of those parents who ever said that.

But when Kaeidyn came in from playing outside today, telling me about a kid right around her age, telling her that they had a girlfriend that they slept with and made out with (making out for Kaeidyn is sex), I changed my mind completely. I don’t have an issue talking to her about sex at all, but I don’t like other people talking to her about sex. I don’t like that I wasn’t around to explain it to her or anything. And of course, when she brought it up, I was just so taken aback by the fact that a kid her age was bragging about making out with another kid her age, that I didn’t even respond at first. I just kind of sat there with my mouth open.

She got her hair curled last night, and she went to school with ringlets. Man, does my kid ever look cute with curly hair. I wish I could make it like that forever. It’s going to be interesting to see what it looks like tomorrow. Even though she’s got my hair, she holds a curl way better than I do…

She’s been repeating the beginning of her sentences alot lately. Just over and over again, she’ll say the same four or five words, and then after a few times of saying it, she finally blurts out the rest of the sentence. She sounds alot like Goober did when he was younger. Alfie’s convinced that she only does it around us, because he’s never heard her do it outside of the house. I think at the next parent/teacher conference, I’m gonna ask if the speech therapist has noticed anything.

We’ve finally reached a successful note with the formula, so far. It was being so hard, and now it just suddenly seems easy. For some reason, he won’t take the bottle from The Boyfriend as long as I’m around. The best part is, is that he’s already holding the bottle. I still breastfeed him at night and a few times during the day. But I’ve been trying increasing the amount of formula he’s having everyday.

The first couple of days of more than 2 oz. of formula, he was puking it up every single time he was fed. Now though, we’ve had almost two days of no puking. It doesn’t seem to really be helping his sleeping that much, but it’s definitely nice for me. We’ve made a new discovery with him too. He likes to sleep with a blanket covering his face. The other day, he got underneath of the blanket, and fell asleep. Now, he almost insists on it. If it’s not a blanket, it’s his arm over his eyes.

He’s been moving alot too. You can’t leave him alone for any length of time, because he’s moving so much. We had to buy a baby gate to make sure he doesn’t crawl down the stairs. He keeps pulling himself up on the furniture, and today he finally figured out how to get down from the standing at the furniture position without hurting himself. He is growing up way too fast.

The Boyfriend got me to print up pictures of Carter for him for work tonight. He does it every couple of months. Of course, we haven’t been able to get new pictures because my camera broke, but he took a bunch of old ones. It’s just amazing to me that at one time, he was just a little baby, and now…

Keirnan and Kenzie have been, well, Keirnan and Kenzie. They’ve been noisy, rough and whiny. Keirnan’s having such a hard time with the talking, and I still seem to be the only one who understands him. He also seems to be having a hard time comprehending simple instructions, like today when they were all getting ready to go outside, he was told to grab a pair of socks and his shoes. Well, he went and grabbed his jacket instead. After much pointing and some repeating, probably ten minutes passed and he finally grabbed socks and A shoe.

Kenzie has been trying to help out with Carter constantly, from moving him back to the blanket to holding his bottle. Problem is, Kenzie still hasn’t really gotten control of his strength and doesn’t really know his limitations. Without meaning to, he’s been pretty rough these last couple of days. I feel like I’m constantly saying to him, “Be gentle”, and it feels like he’s just not getting it.

The Boyfriend goes down to part-time starting Monday. There is a big part of me that is filled with this great joy knowing that he’s gonna be around more often. Not only to help out with the handful of kids, but also to keep me company. But there’s another part of me that is worried as hell.

If we were smarter with our money, I wouldn’t be so concerned. But we’re not very smart with our money. As it is, with him working full-time, I feel like we’re barely scraping by month to month. I feel like, financially, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. As long as, if it does get too rough financially, we’re both prepared to do something about it, I think it’ll be okay. But I’ve been stressed about it. He’s just so excited to get to be with Carter more often, that he’s not to the point of stressing about it yet.

I’m hoping, with him having more days off, and being around more often, we might actually get this house sort of clean. It seems like everyday, I make this list and I say, “I’m gonna clean this and that”, and everyday, it never happens. Today I started to clean the living room, by organizing the entertainment stand (which normally gives me a boost of energy for cleaning), but then I screwed up on the alphabetical organization, and that was the end of my cleaning… At least I’ve been getting some laundry done.

I feel quite bad. I’ve been inspired by a template on another blog, and have written quality content on another blog, and have essentially neglected this blog. Please forgive me.

These last few days have felt like they’ve dragged on forever. And daylight savings time sure isn’t helping. The sun shining brighter today, and longer, has me thinking it’s two hours earlier than it currently is…

Today has been one of those days, where I’ve run the gamut of emotions. From worried to relieved, happy to mad, and everywhere in between. I woke up early this morning, and The Boyfriend had coffee ready for me. My temples were pulsing, and the corner of my eye felt as if it were going to explode at any moment.

I took my anti-inflammatory, and rubbed the topical ointment on my aching knees and neck. I hopped on the computer, and typed through the forming of a migraine. Took some tylenol and finished another part to what seems to be the story that never ends!

The phone rang. I picked up the phone and a very professional voice asked for me. I’m thinking, “It’s Sunday, they don’t work on Sundays. What the heck is this?!?!?”, as I’m told Goober is in the emergency room. Don’t worry, I already did that. He’s not hurt and he’s not in trouble, though it looks like he’s finally going to get some help, whether he likes it or not.

After calling the family to let them know, it seemed like my phone rung off the hook for the rest of the day, even though that’s probably a mass over-exaggeration. I sure felt like I was pushing the green talk button every time my fingers left the keyboard.

I’m hoping to be able to go up and see him tomorrow, and take him some smokes since he’s probably nicking hard right now. Hopefully, he’s just sleeping. That’s what I did.

The kids seem to be stepping over lines left and right, the more the stress levels grow in the house. Kaeidyn’s attitude is beginning to take control of her, and I see more of myself in her with each passing day. She’s taken to hitting, and cries like she’s the victim when she hurts her brothers. While she becomes meaner to Kenzie and Keirnan, she insists on taking care of Carter.

From listening to the adults play games together, Kenzie began saying, “I’m going to kick your ass!” today. Every single time he’d say it, Kaeidyn would scream out, “Kenzie’s saying a bad word!”, and again I was forced to remind myself to stop saying bad words so much.

Keirnan’s been racing around the house, whining whenever anything stands in his way. He’s starting to get another cold, which couldn’t have come at a worst time, as he has a dentist appointment on the 22nd.

Carter is becoming louder and louder with each passing day. His cries penetrate the deepest parts of your ear, and mumbles of “mamamama” are a normal part of his daily tantrum. I was on the floor tickling him today and discovered, the harder he laughs, the less he smiles. I begin tickling him and he’s got a huge smile on his face. He starts laughing, and the smile fades until he’s almost completely straight faced.

I have spent the last two days, uncomfortably sitting in front of my computer monitor, hashing out blog posts like the end of the world was coming. It’s been fun, and I feel every creative juice in my bones flowing freely. This time of year does that to me. When the sun starts to shine, and the trees start looking alive again. Snow begins to melt and I no longer have to wear nine sweaters and two jackets just to walk to the car!

It’s time like these that I miss my beautiful guitar, my muse. I feel like now would be a perfect time to sing and play. Alas, she sits broken behind the DVD shelf. Oh well, someday…

Well I think I’ve pretty much summed up my day, and here’s to another one tomorrow 😉

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t been outside since our monthly Mama T & McDonald’s trip. The weather was absolutely beautiful today, and the boys were very hyper. So Alfie, Kenzie, Keirnan, Carter and I, all walked to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

The walk there was awesome. Carter sat quietly in his Snugli. The boys had fun slipping around on the ice, but were keeping up really well. Walking home was another story entirely. Kaeidyn normally gets to play in the snow, but today it felt like they were all be so annoying with it. And I was sure someone was gonna get hurt. But we made it home, all of us fine and still alive.

After lunch, finally, I decided that it was going to be a nap day. I’ve been pissy at The Boyfriend, and stressing over kid stuff, and napping normally helps that. This wasn’t one of those naps. I woke up from the nap more mad than I was when I went for it. I didn’t even let anyone know I was actually out of bed, and instead made a dash for the bathtub where I filled the bath with hot, hot water!

My favourite thing(s) about taking a bath are:

  1. I don’t have to stand up
  2. I can lock the door
  3. I get to read without being bothered
  4. It’s quiet in the bathroom

So I spent the next 45 minutes, in a ridiculously hot bath, reading “I Am My Mother’s Daughter” by Iris Krasnow. This book doesn’t really apply to me, being that it’s meant for aging daughters and their aging mothers. We’re talking 40-year-old women with 80-year-old Mom’s. I don’t have an 80-year-old Mom.

I also didn’t pick this book. It was brought over by my aunt in a huge stack of books (mostly romance novels). Now I’m not a huge fan of romance books, I mean it’s not that it’s not a good read, I just can’t get into the story. Romance doesn’t make much sense to me. Sexuality and intimacy do, that’s why I can love reading erotica. Romance on the other hand, not so much. So since I don’t like the romance novels, and I’ve read every other book I own that isn’t a romance novel, I figured I’d give this one a shot.

I was suprised at how much I liked “I Am My Mother’s Daughter”. Mama T and I have a pretty tumultuous relationship. I don’t remember a time in my life when my Mom and I weren’t having an arguement of some kind. To one up it, we both are pretty bad for holding grudges. I mean we forgive, but forget it… Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve never in my life even considered “writing her off”, even though I’ve been given handfuls of reasons.

I’ve always thought that out of all three of us kids, my Mom was always the hardest on me. Always had the most expectations of me. Always attacked me. But my sister always acts as if she’s had it the hardest and like Mom is more intense towards her. She’s been close to writing my Mom off many times, and on more than one occasion has gone months without talking to my Mom. I get nervous if my Mom doesn’t call me every other day.

“I Am My Mother’s Daughter” isn’t really useful to me, because I’ve already gotten to the point where I know there’s some things I can’t control (thank you 28 days with Sandra Bullock for teaching me that ;)), and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My Mom is my Mom and she’s not perfect, she makes mistakes, and she screws everything up sometimes. I could spend the rest of my life angry at her, and resenting her for the way she did or did not raise me, but what would I get from it?

It’s easier to accept that my mother is who she is, just as I am who I am, and that’s the best I can expect from her. I think that my sister would benefit greatly from reading this book. Then again, I think sometimes my sister is so stuck in her own little world that it wouldn’t even touch her. She’d just be reading the words. It’s really my sisters prerogative to be mad at my Mom at anytime in her life, so if she wants to be, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

The book is mostly about Mom’s who are close to the end of their lives and daughters who wish they would’ve forgiven or forgotten so that they could have closure with their Mom’s before they died. I would hate to feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being there for my Mom when she passed. I couldn’t imagine what my sister would feel, as she pushes all her emotions way down to the bottom of herself until something sets her off and then she explodes, like an emotion-filled volcano. Reading this book makes me think a lot about my sister and my Mom and my kids. I hope none of them ever really hate me!

The Boyfriend and I finally talked a little bit about some of the problems we’ve been having this last week or so. It’s all nothing major at all, but it’s stuff that’s been bugging us. For me, it’s been the sleeping. I know he works a graveyard job, and I’m fine with that. I just wish I could see him awake some days. I wish I could rely on him for help more. It sucks too, I feel so bad complaining about it all, mostly because I know it’s something he would love to give me, but this job makes it hard. I don’t want quitting the job to be an option. He worked this job for 2 years before meeting me without any thoughts of quitting, and I don’t want to be the reason he quits a perfectly good job that he loves.

We didn’t talk about all the issues, because there just isn’t enough time and frankly, I don’t have the desire. One or two issues a day is all I care to deal with right now. I keep questioning whether or not I have a right to bitch about the things that I want to, and while I know I have the right to do anything I want to do (without breaking the law…), it doesn’t mean that I want to go through a slew of emotions. I used to be like that, every time I had a problem with something, I would go through all the crap. And I’d end up bringing up stuff that had happened months ago way too often. I don’t want it to be like that.

It’s not like The Boyfriend and I really have alot of issues either. My issue is he sleeps too much, his issue is Alfie. That’s really it. The only thing that sucks about all that, is we’ve had the same issues for almost the entire time that we’ve been together. And while things have changed, it almost feels like nothing has changed at all.

Well at least I got some fresh air, a nap and a bath today 😉