Posts Tagged ‘Dinner’

So I’ve been incredibly lazy these last couple of days, and yet not so lazy all at the same time. I haven’t gotten any cleaning done around the house, I keep making The Boyfriend walk Kaeidyn to school, and I’ve been making him do the laundry and the cooking. He’s been wonderful and just picks up all the slack and hardly complains about it at all.

I’ve been feeling very weak and tired and sore lately. I got out of bed today and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I was trying so hard to stay awake on the couch, but I kept dozing off. Again, The Boyfriend was a sweetheart and let me go back to sleep until I had to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

Then Mama T came over, and the kids suckered her in to letting us go over there. Had a super delicious barbecued pork supper with corn on the cob. It really is my most favorite vegetable in the world. Mama T had four cobs, and a can of corn. The cobs were meant for us adults, but the kids weren’t having that and shared with Mama T and Chef, and then devoured what wasn’t finished on mine and The Boyfriend’s.

Yesterday or maybe the day before, we were convinced Carter had chicken pox. He woke up and his entire chest and back and up his neck was covered in these little red dots. Had them in his armpits, diaper line, everywhere but his legs and arms. Then we went to sleep and when we woke up they were almost gone, but by the afternoon they were back with a vengeance and had multiplied.

Today, you can hardly tell at all. He has a cold, but that’s it. We’re thinking it might be a bit of heat rash mixed with the crawling on the carpet. It seems to get worse when it’s warmer in the house. I’ve made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow and we’re getting that and his mark on his foot. He’s had it since we brought him home from the hospital, and we’re chalking it up to a birth mark. But it’s gotten darker and I just want to get it checked out, being that it hasn’t been there since he was born.

Kaeidyn’s year-end review is coming up in a couple weeks. I’m excited to see how much she’s improved. I don’t know how the whole transition from Kindergarten to Grade 1 goes, so we’ll be discussing that too. The Boyfriend and I have been in charge of walking her to school everyday this week, though I think only once did I take her to school. She even prefers The Boyfriend walking her to school, and most days when I go pick her up from school, she sees me and excitedly yells, “Mommy” and then gives me a quizzical look and says, “Why couldn’t The Boyfriend come pick me up?”.

Keirnan officially has more than one word in his vocabulary. It’s still mostly just understanding him through pointing. “Airplane” and “Bicycle” are now his two favorite words, and as we’re driving or walking or sitting in the house, if he sees or hears these things, he screams the word out with delight. I hate this point in the talking game, because it’s the most frustrating part. They know what they want, and they’re trying to say it, and you’re trying to understand but you can’t, and they’re saying it over and over and getting more and more frustrated by the fact that you can’t understand them and you’re getting more and more frustrated, and it’s just terribly stressful.

Kenzie has been violent and whiny these last couple of days. Violent with Carter especially. I feel like I’m always telling him to stop hitting or, “Don’t you punch your brother!!” and then when he gets in trouble, his voice goes to this girly pitch and he whines at you, and if you get upset at him for whining, he starts crying. It seems like we’re discovering that Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan are becoming more and more like their father everyday!

Carter’s got a front tooth breaking through, plus he’s been sick, so he’s been a grumpy guy these last couple of days. Mostly at night it seems. During the day we can still get him to laugh and smile, but once night hits all he wants to do is cuddle and eat. He’s so squeaky right now thanks to his cold, and it reminds me so much of the first couple of days in the hospital after he was born, and every time he’d cry, he’d squeak. It’s a constant reminder that he’s growing up so fast!

I’ve thrown out another couple of resumes, and so far no response back. But I don’t expect to hear anything for at least two weeks. I’m hoping a job isn’t going to kill my body. I can’t even regularly take showers because it’s too much for my knees to bare, imagine standing on my feet for eight hours!!  But I think that determination will see me through.

Well I guess that’s all for now. For those of you who haven’t yet, you can keep updated on all the blogs and sites that I write and maintain at The Rantings Network Headquarters. Also follow me on Twitter!

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I started out today thinking it was going to suck hard, but it ended up being a pretty rocking day. First, I had to take Kaeidyn to school this morning. This week, they’re learning about nutrition, so everyday they’re cooking something. Yesterday was stone soup, today was buns. So she was so excited to go to school, that 6 AM she comes running into my room, “Mommy, I’m gonna be late for school.” Luckily I was able to get her back to bed until about 7.

Then Mama T picked Kaeidyn up from school, and came over to help get the cleaning more under control. Not what I had planned, but she ended up doing most of the work completely herself. I felt incredibly bad. But the kids room is spotless, the bathroom is cleaned and so are my stairs. She’s gonna come back over tomorrow, after I’ve got my room pretty much done, and we’re gonna try to get everything else done.

I think The Boyfriend was avoiding be enlisted for cleaning jobs, so he worked on the van. After a couple hours, and a few breaks, he was able to get the van back up and running. It took a little bit of investigation on his part, but he was able to turn it on, and we even went for a short ride with all the kids to go put air in the tires. It was so nice to finally be able to all travel to one place, at the same time, in the same vehicle. I’ve been hating that Carter gets to come for everything, while the other kids get left behind, usually with Alfie.

We had barbecued steak for dinner, which the kids loved. Ate two whole steaks between the three of them, which is pretty spectacular being that they normally share one piece of meat between the three of them. And now The Boyfriend and I are having barbecued sandwiches. He had thought that we had no propane left, and then today he tested it out and it turns out we still have a full tank.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna have to let Kenzie play games, because he was begging all day today, and I kept telling him to hold off and then it ended up being bed time, so he never got to play games. We got them Socker Boppers today, so that’s going to be fun tomorrow. They got to play for a little bit today, but not very long.

I felt so bad. The Boyfriend went to Timmies and I got him to take Carter with him. He comes back all in a hurry, and as he walks up the sidewalk, I start hearing Carter wailing. His eyes were all puffy, and he had cried the entire car ride. I felt so bad for him.

We have had alot of screaming around the house these last couple of days, thanks to flies. For some reason, all my kids have decided that they are deathly afraid of flies. They see one, and they start screaming, they can’t move, they cry. I hope it doesn’t happen all summer long…

Yesterday, we went to the exercise park and took two of the neighbor kids. After playing at the exercise park for awhile, we went over to the hill behind our house and all the kids went nuts rolling down the hill for probably close to half an hour. Then we went over to the little tiny park behind our house, where Kenzie proceeded to poop his pants. So we had to cut our park playing short so he could come home and get bathed. Good thing too, because he was disgusting. They had all been playing in the sandy dirt paths, and from head to foot were covered in dustiness.

I feel like a new woman today (too bad it’s not a new and extremely sexy woman…). I finally, after almost a year of not wearing one for any real length of time, bought and am wearing a bra. I went and picked up a three pack of these cool adjustable racer-back sports bras, and then a nice t-shirt bra. So I’m wearing the sports bra, and so far, I’m completely loving it. I hope I keep up with wearing a bra 😉

The Boyfriend is officially on part-time. He’s been so worried about me telling people, because he doesn’t want to seem like the loser boyfriend. I keep assuring him that that’s not how he seems, or at least it’s not to me and that’s all that matters. If he was doing it because he didn’t want to work, then I’d think he was a loser. But that’s not the case at all. Not only can he not, but I can’t stand how much working full-time graveyards takes him away from us. Because it’s not just the night time he’s gone for.

During the days he has to sleep. His days off are mostly dedicated to sleep. It’s especially hard to have a family and work graveyards. He’s on his second night off, and so far it’s been wonderful. Two more nights of bliss!!!! The best part for me, is I won’t have to watch The Big Bang Theory or Parenthood alone anymore 😉

Finally, I was able to stay on the line with power people, and my load limiter has been removed. I finally got to cook on my stove again tonight – grossest looking delicious dinner 😉

I don’t know if it was just me and my mood today, but the kids were so loud and out of control all day today. Kaeidyn’s first day back to school after spring break was almost completely intolerable for me.

After waking up at 7:30 this morning, and taking her to school, I came home and was really hoping The Boyfriend and I could doze off on the couch together. Well, that didn’t happen. Carter was in a mood, to say the least. Tried to give him formula today, and had to suffer through an hour long shrieking fit. After alot of fighting, he fell asleep and when he woke up, he took the entire bottle of formula.

Then I took Kenzie and Keirnan with me to go pick up Kaeidyn from school. That was rather uneventful, but then we got home. For the rest of the day, it was screaming, whining, crying, hurting each other, tattling, yelling… The kids all got put to bed half an hour earlier than normal. After hearing some crashing and banging down in their room, Kaeidyn was moved into my bed (which was probably her plan all along). The boys fell asleep with ease, Kaeidyn on the other hand… My dear, sweet Kaeidyn, would not quit coming upstairs and asking questions and whining and telling us stuff about school.

I’ve been in a terrible funk all day today. I think it’s partially exhaustion, partially stress and partially soreness. I had to go out and yell at the kids on the street to stop playing in my yard today. They’re out there with metal rods, chasing each other around and swinging punches at each other. I went out and was like, “Get out of my yard and go play in your yard”, to which I got a lippy reply of, “This is our yard!”.

I know that I live in a four-plex and our yards are sort of shared. But I consider the plot of grass in the front of my particular house to be my yard. And apparently, my landlords agree, because everytime these kids make a mess in front of my house – MY YARD – I get bitched at for the mess! They came back to the yard awhile later and I went and stood at the balcony window, and as soon as they saw me they left. The Boyfriend normally deals with the pesky brats…

It’s been a very long day…

So as I told you yesterday, I’ve been hard at work on website stuff. It’s prompted a hail of, “You should do that!”, from both The Boyfriend and Alfie. I’ve thought about it in the past, and I always put it more in the hobby than the career category. But I’m starting to get mighty interested in the idea of it.

One of Alfie’s friends is currently taking a course on web design or something at the college, so Alfie says he’s gonna get me the information and then maybe it’s something to think more seriously about.

By the end of April, The Boyfriend will be down to part-time, working no more than four days a week. It’s gonna be nice to have him around more! I’m nervous about how it’s going to work out financially, but he assures me that if it starts aching, he’ll take up another part-time job. And I’m hoping that soon I’ll be able to go back to work, or maybe this web design thing will magically happen.

Carter is officially pulling himself up on things. When we put him on the couch, he pulls himself up from kneeling to standing with the arm. When he’s on the floor, he’ll try to crawl up your leg. And his most favourite thing is to stand using his bouncy chair as support. It’s odd, he likes to stand outside of it way more than he likes sitting in it.

I wish that he’d start taking formula so bad. Everyone keeps saying that I should just not breastfeed him, and he’ll eventually get hungry enough that he’ll take the formula. On one hand, I think it’s incredibly mean and heartless, and on the other hand it seems kind of logical.

Not only that, have you ever seen Carter take a fit? Seriously, he’s only 6 months old and he throws extreme temper tantrums. I don’t even wanna think about what it’s gonna be like when he’s 2! When I do hold off on breastfeeding, he lays there giving you this look like, “Why are you ignoring me? Don’t you love me at all”. His new thing, if he’s on the carpet, is putting his head on the carpet and then pushing as hard as he can with his toes, to the point where he gets rug burn!  And his cry…

Him and Keirnan must be competing for World’s Loudest Most Irritating Cry. The worst is when they cry, or should I say wail, at the same time. After it gets quiet, you literally feel like you’ve just left a huge rock show where you were seated right next to the speaker. Your temples are pounding, you can’t hear anything.

Today was so cute. Kenzie and Keirnan were being horrible around 5, jumping on the furniture, hitting, and screaming – all things they know they’re not supposed to do, but choose to test the limits of every single day! So I get mad and send them down to their room. About ten minutes go by, when I realize it’s ridiculously quiet downstairs. I tell Kaeidyn to sneak down and check, she does so and quietly comes upstairs, “The boys are sleeping!” Sure enough, they had tucked themselves all nicely into bed, and were both fast asleep.

They got woken up for dinner, and Keirnan was not happy at all about. He cried for almost ten minutes, until he realized his dinner was on the table. Kenzie started off grumpy (as he usually does whenever he’s woken up), but then he came and sat on my lap and I gave him a bunch of kisses and forced him to tell me he loved me, and then he was all smiles.

Found out today that none of the kids like fettucine alfredo. I don’t even think they really tried it. Lasagna, they love. First time in a long time I’ve seen the kids finish off the entire amount of a certain type of food they were given (that wasn’t broccoli or bananas). But left on everyone’s plate was the full amount of fettucine alfredo. So I guess only Mommy and Daddy get that pasta 😉

I keep telling myself to create a cleaning to do list, so that I’ll have visual motivator to get some cleaning done around here. And I want to create it on the computer, so that I can add checkboxes and feel all accomplished as I tick each one off. But when I’m on the computer, I become the addicted Rantings Network fiend, and forget entirely that I have cleaning responsibilities.

Ah well, I’ll get to it eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later. So what do you think of the formula issue?

It feels like it’s been a series of extremely long days and super short sleeps these last couple of days. Today is one of those days where I’d rather be in bed than doing anything else. Unfortunately, it almost never works out the way I want to.

I went and got an unsatisfying haircut today. The last time I got my hair cut, it was long layers with side swept bangs. I’m not really sure what I want haircut-wise. I know that I want to keep my length (because it took me a really long time to get it this long in the first place), I need something low maintenance (because the only thing I know how to do with my hair is piggy tail braids and ponytails, and I don’t have things like a curling iron or blow dryer or even hairspray!), I don’t want a ton of volume (even though, I probably should. But I like having my hair straight and flat against my skull, so that you don’t get the impression that I’m trying to create something I don’t have!) and that’s pretty much the only things I know for sure I want for my hair.

Every single time I say that, hairdressers are automatically like, “Long layers it is then!” They tried to mix it up by cutting shorter layers, but it pretty much looks identical to how my hair did before, except now I have bangs that look like bangs…

I think to get the kind of drastic change that I desire, I’d have to either go short or I’d have to get my hair dyed or I’d have to get a perm of some sort. Which I’ve been thinking about alot lately. I don’t want my hair to look that crazy good, until I do something about my eyebrows…

Kaeidyn and Carter came with me, while Kenzie and Keirnan stayed at home with The Boyfriend. Kaeidyn had a great time. She got to help fold towels and collect them up, she drew pictures for all the hairdressers, she just couldn’t sit still if her life depended on it. Carter was happy right up until I was done getting my hair cut (which took almost two hours!), and then once I was done he got pretty fussy.

I went out and finally saw my brother on Wednesday. I was gonna write all about it that day, but I needed time to process everything that happened. Mama T has come back into town, so we went out there to meet with his social worker, who looked absolutely nothing like what I had pictured from talking to him on the phone. I had alot of complaints when I came home about the way things were handled during the meeting, and one of these days I’ll write about it.

Goober looks like he’s doing much better in there than he was out of there though. They’ve got him on some meds, and they seem to calm him down quite a bit. They’re making him take showers on a regular basis, so he’s nice and clean looking. He wants to come home really badly and I just keep telling him that they’re not going to keep him forever and he’s just gotta put his mind towards becoming sane.

We went out for a smoke, and I’m standing there, and all of a sudden I see a guy that I had brought home from Ponoka when I stayed there. Not in like a sexual sort of sense, he had nowhere else to live, so I offered my place. He ended up not living with us long, because he is in much the same situation my brother is in. But it was nice to run into an old crazy buddy of mine 😉

I cleaned quite a bit yesterday, not really because I wanted to, but more because it was absolutely necessary. Made some chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and a delicious roast beef dinner. If a real chef saw the way I cooked a roast beef dinner though, surely they would die of a heart attack. They’d just be like, “Uh, you.. You can’t… Stop… What’re you… Ouch”, and then they’d collapse and die! Kaeidyn helped me rub it down with spices and butter, and Kenzie helped me put it in the oven and Keirnan closed the oven door. It was a good cooking experience. Rarely do the kids actually get to help me much with dinner, because my kitchen is small and they end up just getting in the way all the time.

I think when The Boyfriend gets paid next, I’m gonna force him to take me to the laundromat and just do all the laundry in one day. Get home and put it all away. Because it is seriously out of control, and from having most of it in laundry baskets and me being the only one who knows which is clean and which is dirty, clean clothes keep ending up in dirty laundry baskets and vice versa. My dryer keeps overheating after one load of drying, so I can only get two or three loads of laundry done a day. And since I tend to not finish what I start, laundry ends up just piling up and piling up and never seems to get anywhere closer to done.

Well I guess that’s really all I have to write about today. I’ve been working really hard on getting The Rantings Network Headquarters (which has moved) set up, and I guess it’s going okay. I need to go back to school for web design something fierce. I can’t wait until I’m off of maternity leave, or even until I don’t have to be physically there to feed Carter. Still no luck with the formula…

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch today, and I was feeding Carter and commented on Carter’s feet. Since the day he was born, his big toe separates from his other toes. There’s a huge gap there. Tonight, we were looking closer, and the toe next to big toe, curves. He literally has these little bird feet.

I took him for a bath today, and that was a gong show. Now that he’s figured out how to roll from his back to his stomach, he kept rolling over in the bath. Normally, he loves taking baths and kicks and squirms and squeals. Today, he didn’t like that bath at all. I laid him down in it, he starts screaming. Then he rolls over, start screaming more. Needless to say, it was an extremely quick bath.

Keirnan, the wonderful, curious little brat that he is, was horrible today. Most of the morning he was fussy, then in the afternoon when I started some cleaning, he was literally right underneath of me the entire time, and then right before dinner he goes downstairs, not completely uncommon of him. He goes down there to play with his cars alot, so naturally I assume that’s what he’s doing. Though I think it’s mighty odd that it’s time for me to cook dinner, and he’s nowhere around.

So I go downstairs to check on him, and I get to about the fourth step from the bottom, and find a HUGE pile of laundry soap dumped all over the floor. He’s sitting there with his hands all in it. This is after emptying the toilet onto the bathroom floor the other day. He’s just getting into everything.

With the older two, when they were this age, we lived on a single floor of a two-bedroom apartment. There weren’t many places the two of them could go to get into much trouble. Keirnan on the other hand, has two floors, three rooms and a downstairs bathroom to get into!

Kenzie and Kaeidyn have both been getting really into games lately. I wake up to Kaeidyn and Kenzie playing Lego: Star Wars. Less than an hour later, Kenzie’s asking if him and Kaeidyn could play the Wii together. After they get kicked off the Wii for arguing so much, they both come and play together on the computer.

I’m scared to see what my kids are going to be like as they age. They’re so over-stimulated. Electronics like rule their life. I wish my childhood would’ve been more like that. All the things I wanted to know when I was younger, would’ve been right at my fingertips. I tell you though, I would’ve been one smart and very cocky SOB.

I was trying to fix the bluriness of my TV today, and we have my guitar in it’s case behind one of three DVD shelves (I know, ridiculous). So I’m screwing around back there, and had to pull my guitar out. I miss my guitar so much. I seriously need to invest in a new one. Or some sort of musical instrument. It’s driving me nuts not playing. And I’ve been coming up with so many good little ditties, and I would love to be putting some of them down.

This morning was pretty awesome. I finally got a sleep in day. Still not a very late sleep in, only 10 AM. But at 9, I called The Boyfriend to take Carter upstairs, so I could sleep by myself for an hour. I slept incredibly soundly, and it felt so good. The Boyfriend even got a pretty good sleep in today, and I had no problems whatsoever getting him out of bed. I went down said “It’s 7 o’clock, dinner’s ready and coffees percolating” and he jumped up out of bed, curious what was for dinner. He always asks and I never tell him 😉

I even went out of my way to cuddle with him today. It was more or less pointed out to me the other night, that it takes being intimate to receive intimacy. If I don’t cuddle him, he won’t cuddle me. If I don’t make sexual advances at him, he won’t do it to me. It’s very give and take, and I’ve, in a way, been taking without alot of give. So I think it’s officially a goal to change that.

I’m also happy to report that I finally got a decent Wii Fitness Age. I’m officially only at 26!!! The lowest I had gotten before that was 29, and I know you’re thinking “Well 3 years isn’t that much”, but that means that I’m 3 years closer to my actual age. That’s exciting being that the oldest I’ve been is 78!!!

So that’s my day in a nutshell! How was yours?

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉