Posts Tagged ‘Brother’

Yesterday, Alfie took the kids overnight. The Boyfriend had to work last night, so I stayed up as late as I could so that I could sleep in with him in the morning. We slept until almost 3 PM, and it was such a good sleep. The only thing that sucked about my sleep at all, was around 9 AM, Goober showed up and starting tapping on the door. He hung out around the outside of the house until we woke up at 3.

At about 4:30, we picked up the kids. They were so good tonight. Kenzie fell asleep on the couch, played about 20 minutes of games before bed, and then went to bed with ease. Kaeidyn was really good and all she really cared about was that we were both wearing pants underneath our dresses and that I cleaned her ears.

I was trying to get Keirnan to copy me saying everyone’s name. He is so lazy about it. Kaeidyn is “aiyan”, Kenzie is “ehzie”, Carter is “cah”. He’s been trying to copy everybody with talking, and it just doesn’t seem to be working out for him at all.

Carter slept with us all day, waking up a couple times and just playing in between The Boyfriend and I. Then when we got out of bed, he was in such an incredible mood. Laughing and talking. The Boyfriend thinks he’s starting to say Mama, and claims that everytime I leave, Carter will start whining “mamamamama, mamamamama”. It’s so cute.

None of the other kids seemed to really notice when I was gone. They preferred to be with Mama T or Alfie. So it’s nice to have that change. It’s a good thing The Boyfriend and I are planning on having at least one more kid (a girl) sometime down the road, that way he can experience the whole Daddy’s baby thing.

The Boyfriend is beginning to seriously despise his job, and almost every single day, there’s a comment about going down to part time or looking for another job altogether. I feel bad for him, and I generally just feel bad. It’s not that he hates the job at all, it’s that he hates the time of the job. He hates that it takes him away from Carter and me and the kids, because when he’s not working, he’s sleeping so that he’s not tired for work.

I keep trying to tell him that to me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only times it bothers me is when I’m incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed, or when he sleeps most of his days off. I still think the biggest solver to the problem, would be some sort of routine. But we’ve had no luck creating, or sticking to, any of our big plans that we had at the beginning of this year.

The other day, The Boyfriend and I, for the first time in our lives, purchased stuff online. So around the 15th, we should be getting Mario Party 8 for the Wii! Plus two more things that you can read about on The XXX Rated Rantings. We’re super excited. Too bad I can’t drink yet, because Mario Party games make for fun drinking games 😉

I think starting next month (April WOO! It means it’s closer to summer!), I’m gonna start NaBloPoMo again. I hate that I post so little now. I think maybe it’d be fun to do NaBloPoMo on both the PG Rantings and The XXX Rated Rantings. I totally think I could manage it, so maybe that’s what I’ll do for April.

We definitely didn’t do as much cleaning as I hoped we would’ve during The Boyfriend’s holiday. So I’m really really hoping (and planning) that this week will be incredibly productive, and I’ll get a few things crossed off of my ever-growing checklist. Three big goals are the kitchen, the bathroom and my room. Wish me luck 😉

I’ve also been slacking massively on my workouts, so I think this week, the goal is to pick it back up and start working out again. Hopefully I’ll be able to stick to it.

Advertisements

So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”.  I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

Times have been trying these last couple of days. And my brother seems to be doing worse everyday. I don’t think he’s sleeping much, as he spends most of the night stalking around outside of my house, as I discovered last night…

The Boyfriend started his one week holiday yesterday. Somehow, he managed to stay up really late with me. At about one in the morning, Goober shows up on my doorstep. I fake that we’re all asleep and don’t answer the door. He stands on my doorstep for about 15 minutes, talking to himself and finally leaves.

At about four, he comes back and Kaeidyn had woken up because she had laid on her ears for too long. Since she got them pierced, when she lays on her sides, the backs of the earring poke into her neck. Well she hears him knock at the door, at four in the morning and goes to let him in. Both The Boyfriend and I tell her not to, and we turn everything off and convince her to go back down to bed. He sits outside, on the car, for the next twenty minutes talking to himself. Then he stands up, and takes off all his sweaters, and stares into our window with just his T-shirt and pants on. Another ten minutes goes by, and he finally leaves.

Today, he slightly admitted to the fact that he’s not alright, when he said that being at Mama T’s place is tripping him out. And I feel incredibly bad for him. The big sister in me, wants to take him into my house and keep my watchful eye over him. But then I remember what it’s like when he is here, and I’m in no way prepared to take him in full-time. The couple hours a day is almost to the point of ending, because I’m sick of ending every visit with him yelling at him to get the f*** out of my house!

Even the kids can’t stand the way he is. Kaeidyn gets incredibly angry at him when he talks to himself and will sit there going, “Uncle, stop talking to yourself. You’re acting crazy!”, or when he stares at anyone and she notices, she’ll saying “Uncle, you’re staring again.” It makes her very uncomfortable to be around him, and she picks up on my annoyance with him the second I feel it.

He needs to get some serious mental help. And he’s so worried that they’ll lock him up in an institution and force him to take meds, and that the family will completely disown him, that he won’t even consider it. Mama T’s boyfriend, Chef, also has Goober convinced that the only road to sanity is to get a job. And since Goober believes him and Chef went through an almost similar experience with Ketamine, Goober believes that what Chef says is the only thing in the world that makes sense. So everytime you tell him that mental health is what he should be focusing on, he says “Chef says I need to work a camp job. But I don’t want a camp job. So I’m just looking for one really hard in town here.” Every once in and awhile he’ll throw in that no one will hire him because he’s a “punk”.

I’m not sure what to do for him or where to go from here with this whole thing. A part of me wants to just write him out of my life for good. Not answer the door when he comes over, ignore him when I see him in public. But another part of me, thinks that’s terribly heartless and wants to scoop him up and save him and mother him. This whole week has been all about trying to make a decision… Unfortunately, I haven’t come up with anything yet…

Well that’s all I had to write. Anyone got words of advice?

I seriously think my brother comes over to my house, just to piss me off. For the last three days, everytime he comes over here, he ends up getting kicked out. And half the time he ignores me until I start getting really angry.

He sits there staring at everybody, and Kaeidyn gets right mad at him for that. And then he talks to himself constantly. He’ll laugh out of nowhere, and it’s extremely annoying. Kaeidyn gets so mad at him and tells him to stop talking to himself. He gets told a thousand times to go back to Mama T’s house if he’s gonna act like that around here.

Everyday, it’s the same thing with him. He comes over here and spends the first hour staring at everyone, and being told to stop staring. So then he’ll stop, and then he starts talking to himself. I never go more than the fifth time of telling him to stop before I kick him out.

I wish that he would go get help so bad. Firstly, because I know he’s suffering. But mostly, it’s because I don’t want this burden anymore. I’m sick of him getting dumped on me, and then being too stubborn to admit anything’s wrong long enough to go get some decent help. Instead, he’s gonna stay in this state, and I’m getting to that point of wanting to tell him he’s not welcome here anymore. I don’t want someone around me, who so obviously has issues, and isn’t willing to do anything at all about it.

I’ve been having a couple super lazy days these last two or three days. I literally get up and find Kaeidyn’s clothes, and then fall asleep on the couch until it’s time to go pick her up. I’ve been completely exhausted, and I don’t even understand how. It’s not like I’ve been doing that much really. Working online alot, but other than that, dishes… But for some reason, I am always tired and always wanting to sleep.

The kids have all been doing really good. Kenzie’s started to get bored of playing games by himself all day. Good thing is, he’s playing alot less. Bad thing is, he’s constantly trying to talk people into playing games with him. Keirnan is still as much of a brat as he ever was. Getting into things all the time, the dishes is still his biggest one. At least three times a day, we’re kicking him out of the kitchen. He’s trying so hard to start talking, and so far, it’s not really working out for him.

Kaeidyn is going to get her ears pierced tomorrow (or at least that’s the plan so far!). I wanted to get them pierced when she was just a baby, but almost everyone else was against that, and it cost more when she was younger. Alfie and I are taking her to pick up her earrings tomorrow, and she’s super excited about it.

Carter and The Boyfriend have both been doing good. Carter’s been mostly happy, and wants to be moving so much more than he is. We have to watch him like hawks anywhere we put him now, because he motors so fast. He’s decided he likes falling off of the end of the couch, into a pile of clothes that sits there. He’s also been eating alot. He’s been showing signs of wanting to eat solids, but everytime we try it, he ends up throwing most of it up. He likes gravy alot though!

I need to do some serious cleaning around the house. When I was younger, you would’ve never guessed I could ever be the type of person who lets my house get the way it looks today (and this isn’t even the worst it’s been). I was a relatively tidy person and liked things to have their own place. I used to love cleaning the bathroom, and organizing papers and cupboards and junk. You’d never know it today…

I need to figure out a way to create some sort of routine or schedule that I can stick to. I need alot more structure, but not so much more structure that I can’t still be a flexible parent and girlfriend. Like I wish I had set laundry days, and a certain time dinner had to be ready, and a specific day that the bathroom gets cleaned. Because right now, with the “I’ll do it when I have the energy” routine, is not working. Leaving clothes in laundry baskets constantly, and then not knowing where any socks for Kaeidyn at school are, is getting tired now.

The Boyfriend is getting better for helping out a little bit more, but I don’t know exactly how long that will last. He’s been taking the garbage out everyday, he starts cleaning alot of things (and that’s good enough for me, because then all I have to do is finish), and he’s been helping me with the laundry.

You know, ultimately what I need is a single level house, with more of an open plan. Well no, ideally what I need is cleaning people. But until that becomes possible, I just need a house with no stairs. That makes cleaning alot more difficult for me. My knees start aching just from going up and down to go to the bathroom. Imagine if I were going up and down with loads of laundry, piles of toys and other junk. Then my house feels crowded, constantly (because it is!), and that makes cleaning that much more difficult.

I wish I still had those urges like I did when I was at the height of my depression, where all of a sudden, after weeks of having no energy at all, I’d have this huge spurt and decide to go on a cleaning binge. I wish I felt motivated to just do that once around here. Get it super clean, and then try really hard to keep it that way.

Urgh, so many things that I want to do and so not enough energy or time or money…

Today is being yet another crappy day this week. It seems like this week has been made up of nothing but crappy days. I hate to complain, but I really don’t think that I like life at all this week.

The Boyfriend and I seem to be having a rough time, even though I think he’s completely unaware of it. I think he thinks things are all great and fine. Though internally, I seem to be constantly awaiting the demise of our relationship. I feel like I’m not getting what I need or want, I’m not getting enough help, I’m just not getting enough. Maybe I’m being too picky. And I haven’t really communicated it all with him recently.

I seriously don’t feel like instructing him on how to be a good boyfriend. I feel like we’ve passed that point. It used to be so different, and now I just feel like he’s being lazy and not putting any effort into anything really. And I could just be being hyper sensitive or whatever, but it’s been almost an entire week of everyday being unhappy with something to do with him.

From not taking out the garbage, to not holding Carter enough (and giving me a break!), to saying I can sleep in and then it doesn’t happen, to not having any sex whatsoever. And it’s beginning to take it’s toll. This morning, he comes down when he first gets home from work and asks if I want to sleep longer. I say, “I don’t want to get up yet” and he says he’ll let me sleep. A little bit later, the kids all come down to my room, and say they’re hungry and The Boyfriend is sleeping. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep upstairs and it ticked me off to no end. If you’re tired and you don’t want to let me sleep in, or don’t think that you can make it for a couple of hours, freaking tell me!

I just feel like our relationship has officially reached this point where we’re standing completely still. We’re not moving forward, or backwards, just not moving at all. It’s not like things are that different. It’s always been like this, just before I was willing to put up with alot more of it. Now, I’m freaking exhausted and lonely, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. If I’m going to be basically alone, I might as well be alone.

I can’t even truly be mad at him, because most of this stuff can be blamed on his job. And he loves his job and needs to continue working it. He probably wouldn’t be able to find anything better right now when it came to jobs. I don’t want to constantly be saying to him that I hate his job and blame a majority of the problems that we do have completely on his job. But lately, all I’ve been thinking about, is when we first started dating he assured me that he wouldn’t be on nights in a year. It’s been over that, and there is no light to the end of this tunnel. There has been no advances towards a daytime position, unless he wants to drop down to part time. Did I mention, we have four kids?!?!?!?

My brother being back in town is becoming super stressful. He goes in and out of seeming normal so fast it’s ridiculous. I don’t know what to do for him at all and that stresses me out the most. I can’t help him right now, and there’s no one else who will. And I feel so bad for him.

The kids are all doing relatively good. Kenzie had a two day grounding from games, because he wouldn’t help clean the playroom. So the rule was until the playroom was clean he wasn’t allowed to play games. On the second day, the rule changed to, if the room isn’t cleaned by dinner time, toys are getting thrown in the garbage. So there’s about a garbage bag full of toys downstairs, and they finally picked up most of their toys.

Kaeidyn had her Valentine’s Day Party at school yesterday. Alfie and I have been bugging her constantly about this boy named Lukas in her class. I think Kaeidyn has a huge crush on him, though she denies it at all costs. Alfie sings to her “Kaeidyn and Lukas, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”, and Kaeidyn gets so mad. But everytime she sees Lukas, she laughs at everything he does and then after will say “Oh my Gosh”, in this extremely exaggerated and dramatic voice. Trying to get his attention 😉

Keirnan is finally starting to pick up on more words. Today he was playing games with Kenzie and Kenzie yells at Kaeidyn “It’s a 2-player”, so Keirnan turns around and yells out “2-player”. He’s getting it slowly. Carter’s been pretty good these last couple of days, though his teeth are killing him and he tends to be pretty whiny about it. He’s really starting to show a personality now though. Certain things make him smile, and he loves being tickled. He loves trying to copy other people too, especially if it involves sticking your tongue out. He thinks that’s the greatest and tries to imitate everytime.

My knees are acting up again. I thought it was gone. After I had Carter, my knees lessened up in the hurting department and only got sore if I was going up and down the stairs too much or walking alot. Then out of nowhere, I woke up in the middle of the night, with a shooting pain down my leg and ever since then, my knee has been aching like crazy. Luckily, I have to go see the doctor soon for another shot of depo, so I’ll be talking to him about my knee pain then.

So I guess that’s really all I have to say. Now it’s time to go wake The Boyfriend up so that he can go to the store, and then it’s time to feed Carter… Again!

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉