Posts Tagged ‘Book’

I have been in a mood today… As we all know, my alarm clock is broken. We had planned on going to this speech therapy workshop with Kaeidyn this morning. Alfie’s alarm didn’t go off, my alarm didn’t go off. Needless to say, we didn’t make it to the workshop…

Mama T is back from her out of town job, so we did our McDonald’s trip today. It was a pretty good time. We got there, and the Play Place was crowded. Kaeidyn’s the only one of my kids whose had alot of interaction with other kids, so she felt comfortable. Kenzie and Keirnan on the other hand took almost an hour to stop standing still. Kenzie went up to the top of the play place, there was a bunch of kids, he came back down just bawling his eyes out. He was so scared!

We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, and the kids played hard. Keirnan had been complaining about his teeth. His four front teeth have decayed. We were supposed to go get them pulled back in November, but he’s had a perpetual runny nose, and they can’t give him the medication if he can’t breathe out his nose. When I looked at McDonald’s, I didn’t see anything more than his little black stubs as usual. When we got home, he was complaining about it alot, checked again and one of his teeth is infected again. Time for more antibiotics and another attempt at getting the teeth pulled.

The Boyfriend and I ran to Wal-Mart while Mama T stayed at McDonald’s with the kids. We got another Wii MotionPlus so that we can finally play two player on Wii Sports Resort. Then we got a humidifier to hopefully help with Carter’s cold. He’s doing better today than he was yesterday, but he’s still pretty congested.

After we got home from McDonald’s I started feeling sort of down and out. Not for any particular reason. And I’ve been in this terrible funk ever since. I just feel like curling up in a nice little ball, and sleeping for as long as I possibly can. I’m sick of life in general… today….

Yesterday, I would’ve probably told you that I loved everything about my life. My kids, my Boyfriend, my family, my music, my sex. Today, I feel like all of those things are just kind of disappointing. Not even disappointing necessarily, just not what I expected, not what I wanted.

The kids are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole universe. If I was told that someone would give me a million dollars (since that’s what I really want!!), in exchange for never seeing my kids, I would walk away in such a hurry. I was watching Super Manny tonight and it’s just such a slap in the face of what kind of Mom I am in comparison to what kind of Mom I had always hoped to be.

The Boyfriend and sex are kind of tied together. I’m not disappointed with The Boyfriend at all, I’m so happy in our relationship. I’m always incredibly thankful that I have him everyday. But it wasn’t what I wanted. First of all, I didn’t want to date one of Alfie’s friends. Second, I wanted someone who could experience BDSM with me. And while I’ve gotten some of it with The Boyfriend, I didn’t think at 23, I’d still be having such vanilla sex!! And so little of it…

Today, he was trying so hard to be comforting during my funk. He kept wanting to fix it and make it better. Make me smile. I love him for that. I love that even though I’ve been far less emotionally vulnerable with him than I ever was with Alfie (mostly out of protection of my own sanity), he can still tell when something is up. I hate and love all at the same time the helplessness that he feels when anything is wrong with me.

I also love that he’s patient with me. He knows I’ll talk to him about whatever is wrong when I’m ready. He never pushes it. When I say it’s nothing, he doesn’t push and shove. He gives me my time to figure it out, he lets me be an independent, grown up girl. His patience and compassion are probably two of his best qualities (besides his butt ;))

I hate telling him all the things that really are wrong. Not even wrong, just the disappointments I feel in myself. Because he always tries to fix it, and most of the time only makes things worse. And not intentionally, he just has this really bad tendency to put his foot in his mouth! I don’t feel like hashing out to him all my self-esteem issues. I don’t want to be sitting there complaining about how fat I feel, or how crappy of a Mom I think I can be. On top of all that, when he does say sweet things, even if they’re 100% true, I’ll shoot them down. It must be so discouraging for him. He’ll say, “You are so beautiful” and I’ll go “Yeah, right!”. I don’t even mean to all the time, it’s just my automatic thing.

Alfie and I had a very candid discussion about our past relationship last night. He’s having issues getting a girlfriend, and a bunch of his friends think it’s because of the “trauma” he suffered from being with me. I can’t even say that it’s not true. I was seriously psychotic with him. I was overly jealous, suspicious and possessive of Alfie. I didn’t like when he left me alone, I snooped all the time into every aspect of his life, I landed in a mental institution twice (and both times, Alfie was the one who called the ambulance, ultimately saving my life…), I gave him three kids that he didn’t really want, I basically was a trainwreck to his teenage-hood.

I’ve worked really hard over the last year and a half of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, to not be that girlfriend. To not be a jealous, possessive, suspicious, psychotic girlfriend. And it’s damn hard work. Almost everyday, I have to remind myself that that’s not what I want to be. When I’m tempted to check the Web History to see what The Boyfriend has been doing online, it’s so hard to just walk away from it. There’s certain things that I don’t bring up or don’t talk about with The Boyfriend for exactly that reason. It is too hard to walk away from it, after I’ve opened that can of worms.

It seems, since I’ve started working on The XXX Rated Rantings, that there’s alot of situations that are coming up that I keep having to walk away from. The Boyfriend starts sharing things with me, and I cut him off and tell him I don’t want to hear it. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, it’s that I can’t hear it. I’ve learnt to not trust the crap that comes out of guys’ mouth, because they’ll say whatever they have to say to stay on your good side, or to get laid…

And The Boyfriend has never done a single thing to make me think that I shouldn’t just trust him. But the second he starts to say those sweet things, I automatically start thinking “How many times has he said this to other girls?”, like when he talks about my beauty. He isn’t exactly specific, and when he tries to be, I take it more as a burn than a compliment. Instead of saying something like “I love how curvy your hips are” or something like that, he’ll say “You look sexy”. Each of those lines have two very different effects. And that’s the whole thing about it.

The Boyfriend is very descriptive. He’s in the process of writing a fantasy-type book, and I’m not into fantasy-type books at all, but this one is good. I can visualize what’s happening and he uses some amazing words. And yet he can’t come up with one descriptive compliment. Even if he could, I would probably either just toss it to the side, or I would ask questions that would result in his foot jumping straight into his mouth.

The best example ever was right after Carter was born. Now this was not meant as a burn at all on his part. He did not mean it the way it sounds at all, just so everyone knows. We’re sitting on the couch and The Boyfriend had his hand on Carter’s back. He comments on how tiny Carter’s waist is, and he says “You get that from me”, because he is an incredibly tiny waisted guy. I say “Hey, up until having four kids, I had a tiny waist. He could’ve gotten it from me!”. Then that foot started going into his mouth and he said something along the lines of, “I have such a feminine waist, I would kill to have a waist like yours”, basically saying I had a manly waist. (He’ll hate that I told this story, he still feels so bad for it. Everytime I say anything about “manly waists”, I get a dirty look ;))

I’m telling you, it’s just his natural tendency. He can’t help himself, even though he tries so hard. And when he tries, it turns out even worse! So I just don’t touch it. Sometimes I wish I would. Guys push for compliments all the time (always needing their egos inflated), why don’t us girls do that? I can’t speak for all girls, but for me, I never push for a compliment. I never ask “What do you think about this and this part of my body?” or “Doesn’t my butt look good in these jeans?”. Even if I did, I’d probably get a “It looks good” or “Yes” out if, and I want more than that. I want someone to take the time to convince me that I look good, and I want that someone to be the person that I’m sleeping with, not just some random Tom, Dick or Harry.

Then when I say stuff like that, I’m like “It’s not his job to boost your self-esteem, that comes from you”. I know the whole thing, you can’t have confidence without being confident. And I wouldn’t say that I’m not a confident (sorta) person, just not much self-esteem, I guess. I always say to him that he sees through rose-colored glasses. Well if that’s true, then I must see through negativity glasses… I hope this funk is gone by tomorrow, because I feel like I’m being such a whiny girl and I HATE that!

So I’ve finally accomplished some things today. First thing this morning, I started working on The Other Rantings of a Tortured Mind (be warned – there is content of a mature nature on this site and should only be viewed by those over the age of 18). Then I went and dropped my paperwork off downtown and went grocery shopping (thank you Aunty ;)).

Shopping was pretty uneventful for the most part. They didn’t have alot of the things that I went for, so it ended up being a $170 grocery shop, as opposed to the original $500 I had set out for. Ran into Alfie’s parents, first time in a year and a half that I had contact with English. They were very nice and gave me a ride home from shopping.

Alfie came over shortly after I got home. He had fixed Kenzie’s Lego Star Wars game, so Kenzie was right into that. After a very delicious lunch, and putting all the groceries away, I asked Alfie if he’d watch the kids while I took a nap. So I got about an hour and a half nap, which helped so much. I felt so exhausted before, and woke up in a pretty decent mood.

I made some dinner, and I’ve been working on blog stuff ever since. Over the next month or so, you’ll see massive changes around this Rantings and you’ll also start seeing updates on The Other Rantings. It’s being a really creative month.

We were going to these last couple days off that The Boyfriend had, but instead we’re going to do it on the next, go over to my Mom’s house. Since my guitar is broken, I’m going to use her boyfriend’s guitar and I’m going to lay down some tracks and hopefully have some of my songs up on the blog by the end of the month. I’ve been craving some play time and would love to share my stuff with everyone.

You can find some of my stuff online already, but I’d like to put all of it up and present a real quality product out of it. Most of the recordings I do have online were experimentations or goofing around, so it’s not of the best quality. And I’m a bit of a perfectionist 😉

So Kaeidyn’s been practicing her rhyming like crazy. Her teacher hopes to have all the kids rhyming by the end of the year, though she says it’s not part of normal kindergarten curriculum. I personally love it. We’ve been reading her Dr. Seuss books almost every night, and at first she didn’t understand the concept of rhyming. She thought it meant putting things that go together. You’d say “Pig” and she’d say “Farm”, you’d say “Cat” and she’d say “Food”. Now she’s starting to do “Cup” and “Pup”, or “Cat” and “Mat”. I’m pretty proud of her for picking it up so fast.

She’s also started some games based on her speech therapy. She’s working right now on saying her “s” sounds and “sh” sounds. Prior to kindergarten, I never noticed she had any problems with either of those sounds. Once it was pointed out to me, it all became very noticeable. They’ve been working really hard with her in school, and we’ve been practicing all the time at home.

At first she was getting so annoyed sitting with Alfie or I, and saying “SHirt”, “SHape”, “SNake”, “SNare”, over and over and over again. Awhile back, The Boyfriend and I had bought a “Guess What I Am” game. The game comes with a checklist that has check boxes and little pictures. So now, she sits there with her checklist and she makes us repeat after her. When she gets it right, we say it after her. When she gets it wrong, we make her say it again. She goes “Is it shirts or shirts?”, saying it wrong the first time and saying it right the second time. Sometimes she’ll say it wrong both times and that’s when the correction comes in. It’s been working, she’s practicing every day, and she’s improving.

So that’s the Rantings of today then…

I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t been outside since our monthly Mama T & McDonald’s trip. The weather was absolutely beautiful today, and the boys were very hyper. So Alfie, Kenzie, Keirnan, Carter and I, all walked to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

The walk there was awesome. Carter sat quietly in his Snugli. The boys had fun slipping around on the ice, but were keeping up really well. Walking home was another story entirely. Kaeidyn normally gets to play in the snow, but today it felt like they were all be so annoying with it. And I was sure someone was gonna get hurt. But we made it home, all of us fine and still alive.

After lunch, finally, I decided that it was going to be a nap day. I’ve been pissy at The Boyfriend, and stressing over kid stuff, and napping normally helps that. This wasn’t one of those naps. I woke up from the nap more mad than I was when I went for it. I didn’t even let anyone know I was actually out of bed, and instead made a dash for the bathtub where I filled the bath with hot, hot water!

My favourite thing(s) about taking a bath are:

  1. I don’t have to stand up
  2. I can lock the door
  3. I get to read without being bothered
  4. It’s quiet in the bathroom

So I spent the next 45 minutes, in a ridiculously hot bath, reading “I Am My Mother’s Daughter” by Iris Krasnow. This book doesn’t really apply to me, being that it’s meant for aging daughters and their aging mothers. We’re talking 40-year-old women with 80-year-old Mom’s. I don’t have an 80-year-old Mom.

I also didn’t pick this book. It was brought over by my aunt in a huge stack of books (mostly romance novels). Now I’m not a huge fan of romance books, I mean it’s not that it’s not a good read, I just can’t get into the story. Romance doesn’t make much sense to me. Sexuality and intimacy do, that’s why I can love reading erotica. Romance on the other hand, not so much. So since I don’t like the romance novels, and I’ve read every other book I own that isn’t a romance novel, I figured I’d give this one a shot.

I was suprised at how much I liked “I Am My Mother’s Daughter”. Mama T and I have a pretty tumultuous relationship. I don’t remember a time in my life when my Mom and I weren’t having an arguement of some kind. To one up it, we both are pretty bad for holding grudges. I mean we forgive, but forget it… Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve never in my life even considered “writing her off”, even though I’ve been given handfuls of reasons.

I’ve always thought that out of all three of us kids, my Mom was always the hardest on me. Always had the most expectations of me. Always attacked me. But my sister always acts as if she’s had it the hardest and like Mom is more intense towards her. She’s been close to writing my Mom off many times, and on more than one occasion has gone months without talking to my Mom. I get nervous if my Mom doesn’t call me every other day.

“I Am My Mother’s Daughter” isn’t really useful to me, because I’ve already gotten to the point where I know there’s some things I can’t control (thank you 28 days with Sandra Bullock for teaching me that ;)), and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My Mom is my Mom and she’s not perfect, she makes mistakes, and she screws everything up sometimes. I could spend the rest of my life angry at her, and resenting her for the way she did or did not raise me, but what would I get from it?

It’s easier to accept that my mother is who she is, just as I am who I am, and that’s the best I can expect from her. I think that my sister would benefit greatly from reading this book. Then again, I think sometimes my sister is so stuck in her own little world that it wouldn’t even touch her. She’d just be reading the words. It’s really my sisters prerogative to be mad at my Mom at anytime in her life, so if she wants to be, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

The book is mostly about Mom’s who are close to the end of their lives and daughters who wish they would’ve forgiven or forgotten so that they could have closure with their Mom’s before they died. I would hate to feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being there for my Mom when she passed. I couldn’t imagine what my sister would feel, as she pushes all her emotions way down to the bottom of herself until something sets her off and then she explodes, like an emotion-filled volcano. Reading this book makes me think a lot about my sister and my Mom and my kids. I hope none of them ever really hate me!

The Boyfriend and I finally talked a little bit about some of the problems we’ve been having this last week or so. It’s all nothing major at all, but it’s stuff that’s been bugging us. For me, it’s been the sleeping. I know he works a graveyard job, and I’m fine with that. I just wish I could see him awake some days. I wish I could rely on him for help more. It sucks too, I feel so bad complaining about it all, mostly because I know it’s something he would love to give me, but this job makes it hard. I don’t want quitting the job to be an option. He worked this job for 2 years before meeting me without any thoughts of quitting, and I don’t want to be the reason he quits a perfectly good job that he loves.

We didn’t talk about all the issues, because there just isn’t enough time and frankly, I don’t have the desire. One or two issues a day is all I care to deal with right now. I keep questioning whether or not I have a right to bitch about the things that I want to, and while I know I have the right to do anything I want to do (without breaking the law…), it doesn’t mean that I want to go through a slew of emotions. I used to be like that, every time I had a problem with something, I would go through all the crap. And I’d end up bringing up stuff that had happened months ago way too often. I don’t want it to be like that.

It’s not like The Boyfriend and I really have alot of issues either. My issue is he sleeps too much, his issue is Alfie. That’s really it. The only thing that sucks about all that, is we’ve had the same issues for almost the entire time that we’ve been together. And while things have changed, it almost feels like nothing has changed at all.

Well at least I got some fresh air, a nap and a bath today 😉

Today is being a taxing day on my entire being. I feel overly exhausted for no real reason, I’m not motivated to do anything. I just want to go soak in a nice hot bath and read a book, turn my music up real loud and veg by myself.

I feel like a bit of a one-man-show right now, even though both my kids Dad’s are still in the picture and are here everyday to some extent or another. Carter tends to be a huge mama suck, that and I think that I’m officially starting to “dry up”, because I feel like every second he’s awake (unless The Boyfriend’s awake and can distract him), he’s breastfeeding.

I never really got the opportunity to breastfeed my other kids. With Kaeidyn, I had gotten an infection from the c-section so bad that it affected my breastmilk. She wouldn’t drink it at all. Kenzie got a short amount of time breastfeeding, but within 2 or 3 weeks, after he didn’t gain any significant weight, I dried up completely and had to switch to formula. Keirnan was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and for the first week or two, I was pumping as often as I could. He was being fed through a tube in his nose, so breastfeeding wasn’t possible. By the end of his hospital stay, they were adding so much nutritional supplements to my breastmilk that it seemed more logical to switch to formula.

Carter on the other hand, has had no problem with the breastfeeding whatsoever. He’s gained a really good amount of weight, he latched without much problem, I only had a day or two of sore nipples (as opposed to Kenzie, where the entire time I was breastfeeding was painful, and my nipples constantly cracked), so it’s been a rather pleasurable experience. Though these last two days, it seems incredibly overwhelming.

When I do get him off my boob, I generally want to “play” on the computer. By play, I mean blog and check out other blogs and look into whatever catches my interest for the day. Though what I should be doing is cleaning, but I’m getting so sick of that.

I’m what they call a “Slacker Mom”, I like that alot more than the alternative “Bad Mom”. My house isn’t immaculate, I don’t brush my kids teeth every night, I don’t include all of the four food groups in our meals. I think I do pretty good, but I wouldn’t put myself in the Great Mom category, because I have much higher standards than this.

I’ve been doing dishes every single day, which was one of my goals for this year. I’ve even been getting the kids to help. Kaeidyn washes all the silverware (and does a suprisingly good job), Keirnan likes to “wash” the dishes too (really he just pours water and in and out of things), and he likes to help cook dinner (which has resulted in burning his hand twice, neither time very badly. First it was the oven while making cupcakes and he touched the front of it. I kept telling him No, but he wouldn’t listen. The second time, I was boiling potatoes on the stove, again I told him it was hot and the he shouldn’t touch it, but I guess curiousity burns the monkey, so he touches the side of the pot, cried for 5 seconds, and then was okay the rest of the night). Kenzie isn’t much of a helper at all, he would rather play his games. But I’ve been calling him up before dinner, and his job is to wipe down the table (he doesn’t do such a good job at it, but at least he gets it all wet so that it’s easier for me to clean off ;)).

So then I try to make dinner in as short of a time as possible, because I really don’t like being in my kitchen. Firstly, there’s three kids running around that I’m constantly tripping over. Then I normally have to have Carter out there with me, either in the Snugli (which is more annoying than I can even explain, when you’re trying to wash dishes or cook a meal!) or in his bouncy chair, which he still hasn’t gotten to the point of really liking. Like I said, he’s a mama suck. He likes to be held and if he’s not being held, he’s normally not happy. I seriously don’t know how we have so many happy pictures of him, because I almost never feel like he’s being happy.

I keep forgetting how exhausting and overwhelming it is to do this job. And I was so naive, the first couple of weeks Carter was home, I kept going off to everyone about how it feels like it gets easier with each kid you add on.

I remember with Kaeidyn, being so overwhelmed, that I’d close her in our bedroom, and I’d sit outside the door bawling my eyes out, begging her to just stop crying. Then Kenzie came along, and things bothered me much less. Keirnan coming home was just about the easiest thing ever. The older two kids helped out so much, especially Kaeidyn. Even the first couple of weeks that Carter came home (back when The Boyfriend was on paternity leave), were really easy. Everyone was helping out. Now that The Boyfriend’s gone back to work, and Kaeidyn’s back in school, it just seems so intense.

I feel like I go all day, and never stop. I used to get to join The Boyfriend on naps during the day. Or taking a bath, I used to get to go for baths. This actually involves a short explanation. I try my hardest not to shower. I have an issue with my knees. The doctors are calling it Osgood-Shlatter Disease, though I personally disagree with the diagnoses altogether.

According to The Mayo Clinic, Osgood-Shlatter Diesease can affect children going through puberty. It is most commonly seen in those who particpate in sports that involve running, jumping, and swift changes in direction – such as soccer, basketball, figure skating and ballet. The disease typically occurs in boys age 13 to 14 and girl age 11-12.

I know, you’re probably laughing hysterically. I’m definitely not 11 or 12 (though I miss those days and sometimes wish I could have them back), I don’t participate in any sports. And the last time I participated in sports, was Grade 6 basketball. I haven’t done any running or soccer or basketball and definitely not figure skating! I don’t even walk very often!

Whatever it is, standing up in the shower, causes me serious pain. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t recovered from whatever it was that Carter did to my hip while I was pregnant with him. So I stand in the shower, and I get shooting pains going down from my hip and up from my toes, all headed in the direction of my knee. I’ve got a heating blanket, I’ve got knee braces (the tensor bandage kind) and I’ve Rub-A-535, all of which don’t do anything but provide moments of relief. Quick, short, almost not even worth it, relief. So I keep my showers to an absolute minimum and try to stick more to baths to save my knees. I can’t actually remember when the last time for sure was my last bath or shower, I know it’s been less than a week, more than two days. I hate that!

I don’t mean to complain, because I wouldn’t give any of this up for anything, but I just can’t believe I keep forgetting the depth of how overwhelming it really is. Does anyone else find being a stay-at-home Mom an incredibly hard job? Do you think it’s just as tough for Mom’s who work, or are they lucky because they get to leave for awhile and take a break (I personally agree with that, and that is exactly the reason why I can’t wait to get  back to work or school or something!)? Anyone have any bad experiences with breastfeeding, or was it a relatively easy job?

Just to let everyone know, I am working really hard on today’s tasks for Problogger, when I can. I’m having a really hard time keeping my focus on reading other people’s blogs when the kids are climbing all over the furniture and making messes left, right and center. I’m hoping I’ll get it done by the end of the night (especially being that 3 out of 4 kids are leaving in about 2 hours to go watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs at the theatre with their grandparents, and The  Boyfriend doesn’t work tonight), so I’m hoping in a couple hours I’ll get creatively productive.

Prior to that, I need to:

  • Do the dishes
  • Do some laundry
  • Get the floor in the living room clean for the umpteenth time this week
  • Change the garbage in the  bathroom