Archive for the ‘The Boyfriend’ Category

These past few days, I seem to be thinking about insecurities and body image issues alot. It’s almost constantly on my mind. Partially because I’m currently suffering from “I hate my body”-itis.

I’ve spent the better majority of my life in that predicament. With very rare swings into, “Damn girl, you fine!” moments. Like the first time I went to the bar and got my hair put up in ringlets. I was wearing these sexy pants that I had bought on layaway when I got my first job. And it was right after Kaeidyn was born, so I was satisfied with my boobs for the first time in my life. That was the first time I ever really remember having one of those “Damn girl, you fine!” moments. I wish I felt like that more often…

Lately though, I’ve just been feeling like a fat, lazy slob. Even though that’s not 100% really what it’s like, but it’s what I feel like. I tend to compare myself to other women, maybe a little too much sometimes. The whole thing is just so weird and hard for me to understand.

I have a very realistic view of what my body looks like. You know that show, How to Look Good Naked, where they line a bunch of girls up and you’re supposed to pick where you belong in the line, based on your weight or hip size or bust size? I think if I were to be put in that situation, I would pick out exactly where I belong. And even though, in my head, I know that I’m in an extremely healthy weight range for my height and that I’m still below average for most Canadian women my age, and that for having four kids my body is damn amazing, for some reason I’m constantly plagued by this stupid “I hate my body”-itis.

I keep telling myself almost every single day that I need to start working out. That if I start eating better and exercising, I’d have a chance at losing this baby belly. And everyday I fail. It gets devastating to never get a compliment, and only hear things like, “Wow Val, you’re tummy looks big” or “hmm, you sure you’re not pregnant?” For all I know, the weight gain could all be because of the depo, and all the exercise in the world isn’t going to get rid of the effects of the¬†hormones.

I’ve even been attempting to seek out compliments from The Boyfriend, which rarely ever happens. I normally don’t want to know what he’s really thinking about my body, because I fear that it would be something horrible. After the previous foot-in-mouth comments, I tread very lightly when searching for compliments.

We’re walking through the mall today and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I say something like, “I may not be beautiful, but at least I have brains!”, to which he just snickers at. I wish men took it upon themselves more to boost our confidence as much as we boost theirs.

I don’t know how many times in a day I say something that’s gotta make him feel good about his body. I know if someone was saying or doing the same things to me, I’d probably feel better about mine. He takes off his shirt and I will stare adoringly. He wears a sexy shirt and I go off about how great it looks. Cuts his hair, I run my fingers through it going off about how sexy he looks. All these things, and I get a chuckle when I say I’m not beautiful!!!

Why doesn’t it occur to most regular guys (especially in my age bracket) to say nicer things, especially when they are aware of a faltering confidence level? Why can’t I find that guy who doesn’t mind and isn’t annoyed by having to convince me that he thinks I’m beautiful or sexy? I know that I make it hard for him, when I’m rolling my eyes or pfft-ing him. But it would just be nice to not need to beg for a compliment. Or if it’s that hard for him to say, “Val, you look truly amazing. I love blah blah blah part of your body. I wish you’d show me your body more.”, then I wish he’d tell me why. For all I know, he just sees what I feel.

I hate that I almost rely on a guy to tell me I’m beautiful and that I just don’t feel it. I hate that I depend on his compliments to boost my confidence. And I hate even more that I have to ask for it to get it… And I hate that all the bitching in the world isn’t going to change a single thing…

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Today, all the kids have either had attitudes, been rough with each other or been grumpy. Needless to say, I’m exhausted, bitchy and frustrated after having to go downstairs an hour after bedtime because Kaeidyn hit Kenzie extremely hard. In part because she was mad that she had to drink water, and the other part because Kenzie was playing with the blanket.

They went to Alfie’s last night, and then Kaeidyn got picked up for school this morning. Then after school, Kaeidyn and the kids stayed at Alfie’s until around dinner time. Kaeidyn has had an attitude in general lately, though spend a night at Alfie’s and it goes into overdrive and she becomes whiny and bossy on top of all that attitude. I thought after all the quiet, I’d be prepared for them to come back. But all day, everytime I’m around them, I just feel incredibly stressed out.

The attitudes and the roughness and the way they talk to each other is becoming so exhausting to deal with. It doesn’t help that there is three different parental units that are helping in the discipline (Alfie, The Boyfriend and I) on a regular basis, and though we are all striving to present a united front with the same types of technique, we all have our own parenting styles. And it just doesn’t seem to be working out very well.

Carter is teething hardcore. He’s got two teeth on the bottom now, and within days two on the top have started coming through. Then, he’s motoring all over the place. The baby gate almost always has to be up, the living room gets completely trashed by him, and we’re constantly chasing him around. So we’ve got a grumpy, energetic baby who is going through formula like it’s the end of the world.

The Boyfriend and I did a pretty huge clean of the kitchen today. I got almost all but one load of the dishes done, we finally swept and mopped the floor, and all but one counter is wiped down. The last load of laundry and the counter are getting done before we go to bed tonight.

I’m also planning on taking a walk down memory lane tonight, by going through my hope chest, which I haven’t been through since shortly after moving in here. It’s got my porcelain dolls, old journals and letters/notes from friends that I’ve kept over the years. Then I plan to throw the chest out. It’s wicker, falling apart and making a mess.

Oh yeah, did you notice I changed my theme ūüėČ I was bored of the old one, so let me know what you think. Did you like the old theme or this one better?

This morning was the biggest gong show in the world. I yelled, at someone who wasn’t the kids, for the first time in what seems to be a really long time. I also see alot more yelling in my future.

Last night, I had picked out clothes for Kaeidyn for school, since right now I’ve got clothes all over the place. So I put them up where I normally put Kaeidyn’s clothes, and she comes down and grabs them. Then I hear Alfie send her back downstairs telling her she’s not wearing pyjamas to school.

Supposedly, the dress I gave her to wear today is pyjamas. I don’t know exactly who decided this, it might possibly have been the fabric. It’s not the first time she’s worn the dress to school. I personally don’t view the dress as pyjamas, I mean yes, it would make a great pyjama, but I wouldn’t say that is what the makers of it intended for it.

It’s supposed to be Alfie’s day to walk her to school, which normally means that Alfie’s upstairs with the kids, and The Boyfriend, Carter and I stay downstairs sleeping. So I’m downstairs, trying to sleep when Kaeidyn appears at my door bawling her eyes out.

I hear Alfie upstairs, “You can’t wear that. It’s pyjamas!”, so I come upstairs in defense of my clothing choice and for Kaeidyn. As I’m walking up the stairs, I say, “It’s fine. I picked them out for her. She’s allowed to wear it to school.” Which resulted in the entire argument.

First he yells that they are pyjamas, she can’t wear pyjamas to school. I yell that she’s fine. He says he’s not walking her to school then. I say, “Wow, you’re seriously gonna be like this?” and he starts yelling about how she’s wearing pyjamas. It ended in me telling him to leave. The Boyfriend is walking Kaeidyn to school.

I hate that things between Alfie and I have been fine. I didn’t even snap at him, like I normally would’ve, when I found out he went to work and left the kids with a babysitter (that I hadn’t approved, I wasn’t even told about it until the next day) when they spent the weekend at his house. And then he has to pull this absolute immature crap, first thing in the morning.

I hate that he has a negative opinion about everything to do with how I do things with the kids. I give them the wrong type of cereal, I don’t dress them properly, I let them drink the wrong types of beverages. And yet, even though he’s got all these stupid opinions about everything, I don’t see him putting any money towards what clothes do go on their backs, or the type of food that sits in the fridge. He’s a whole lot of talk!

She changed out of the pyjamas, because she found a hole in her nylons and isn’t allowed to wear a dress to school without them. So now she’s wearing pants and a shirt. I still think she changed mostly because she was afraid that Alfie would be mad at her for wearing her “pyjamas” to school.

I hate that I have to be the bumper for his crappy immaturity. I have to comfort the kids after he throws a temper tantrum. I hate that I’ve got three kids by a kid. I wish sometimes he’d just get over things. Nod and smile. Instead of throwing a hissy fit and upsetting everyone around him. It’s just getting extremely exhausting.

I’m so happy it’s a sunny day today. Yesterday was so cold, and the house was so cold (until we turned the oven on…), and today has the potential of being a really nice day. I might even get to kick the kids outside for a bit ūüėČ

So Kaeidyn got her first real slumber party the other night, after we went to see some of The Boyfriend’s family, on a cold and dreary, windy day in the park. Kaeidyn calls me when we’re getting ready to go pick her up, asking if she gets to come home soon. Then when I say yes, she bursts out into tears, “But I don’t want to come home now. I want to spend another night!” She came home…

My housework is getting out of control again, and it sucks because I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that Mama T was here helping out. Laziness, procrastination and soreness throughout my body are being huge¬†hindrances¬†in getting anything done. I think it also has something to do with The Boyfriend being home so often. When he’s around and awake (which happens more and more), I want to spend those moments with him – or at least close to him.

It’s been nice having him around so much. Even though we’ve been going through a little bit of a rough patch, for a whole bunch of reasons (mostly very petty reasons), it’s nice seeing him alot everyday and spending time with him and most importantly sleeping next to him. The only thing that sucks about it at all is that on his days off, he pushes his sleeping limit. He’ll try to stay up for almost the entire three days off, and spends most of it exhausted because of it (and normally the first two days off).

Went to Kaeidyn’s year-end review the other day. She’s doing amazing, and is on the verge of reading, so that’s really exciting. The school wants us to get her hearing checked because she’s still leaving off the “sh” at the end of words. She seems to be okay when she’s copying a person, but in just normal conversation, she’s constantly leaving it out.

I love that I’m the type of parent I always wanted to be when it comes to her year-end reviews. I tear up when I look at her scrapbook and see how much she’s improved. I ask tons of questions when we’re at them, checking to make sure she’s doing good. I’m just hoping one of these days (probably when she’s not only going for half a day), I’ll be one of those parents who gets involved in her schooling more, involved in the school more.

Keirnan’s appointment for getting his teeth pulled is coming up. It’s surprising to me that he hasn’t had more problems with the teeth. Before we went to the dentist, it seemed like every month or two he was getting infections and needing antibiotics. This last little while has been really good. He hasn’t complained about them at all, and only now is he starting to show signs of maybe getting an infection. Luckily, it’s only a few more weeks until they will be out and not causing him a problem.

Carter, my dear, sweet Carter. He has been motoring everywhere. We can’t look away from him for longer than a second before he’s half way across the room. He’s decided he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and yell down them (it echoes quite nicely), so we are often chasing him back to the living room. I don’t understand why we don’t use the safety gate more, other than the fact that I still haven’t even tried to learn how to use it.

Kenzie has been loud, really loud. And constantly hyper. He seems to have energy seeping from every pore in his body and can more often than not be found running about the house, screaming something. Followed, of course, by everyone else in the house going, “Quiet down, Kenzie!”, to which Keirnan normally responds, “No”, his new favorite word.

My body has been giving me all sorts of problems lately. I went for my pelvic ultrasound, and they said everything looked normal and the best they could figure is that it’s the depo causing it. My doctor wants me to start taking the shots every two months instead of every three. I don’t want to go off the depo though, this is the longest I’ve ever been on birth control without missing a day or forgetting to take my pills for a week or two. Even though there’s all these other things that I hate about it, at least it’s keeping me from getting pregnant. I just want to stop bleeding.

My entire body has been filled with pain these last couple of days. From things feeling like their swelling, to joints being stiff, and cramping all up and down my back, my pain is seriously exhausting. My knees and ankles have been really bad these past couple of days. I hate that I’m still so young, but feel so old. I even walk like an old lady.

I’ve been thinking about starting a serious workout regime, especially being that since I haven’t gotten to sleep in past ten in a really long time, it’s been easier and easier for me to wake up early. This morning, I was awake before the kids! I just want to get rid of my baby pooch (which looks like I’m 3 months pregnant on bad days!), and feel comfortable in this skin, because lately, I really really don’t. The only problem (along with almost all the problems in my life) is that I have absolutely no routine of the day. Or at least a very crappy routine.

The Boyfriend and I have been talking about getting some sort of routine in place. Especially where finances are concerned. I hate that we sit around talking about all this stuff, and then never do it. We need to become the kind of people who get up off our butts and just do things. Not the impulsive things we do. I mean, when we say we’re going to create a budget and stick to it, we need to become the type of people who will. Or when we say we’re gonna start working out, that we do.

Well, I think now I’m going to go browse through my local paper and see what jobs I might be able to apply online to (since I haven’t heard back from any of the previous places I applied at). I’m still not taking it very seriously, as I still have another 5 months of maternity leave left. But man, am I desperate to get out of the house more!

So I’ve been incredibly lazy these last couple of days, and yet not so lazy all at the same time. I haven’t gotten any cleaning done around the house, I keep making The Boyfriend walk Kaeidyn to school, and I’ve been making him do the laundry and the cooking. He’s been wonderful and just picks up all the slack and hardly complains about it at all.

I’ve been feeling very weak and tired and sore lately. I got out of bed today and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I was trying so hard to stay awake on the couch, but I kept dozing off. Again, The Boyfriend was a sweetheart and let me go back to sleep until I had to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

Then Mama T came over, and the kids suckered her in to letting us go over there. Had a super delicious barbecued pork supper with corn on the cob. It really is my most favorite vegetable in the world. Mama T had four cobs, and a can of corn. The cobs were meant for us adults, but the kids weren’t having that and shared with Mama T and Chef, and then devoured what wasn’t finished on mine and The Boyfriend’s.

Yesterday or maybe the day before, we were convinced Carter had chicken pox. He woke up and his entire chest and back and up his neck was covered in these little red dots. Had them in his armpits, diaper line, everywhere but his legs and arms. Then we went to sleep and when we woke up they were almost gone, but by the afternoon they were back with a vengeance and had multiplied.

Today, you can hardly tell at all. He has a cold, but that’s it. We’re thinking it might be a bit of heat rash mixed with the crawling on the carpet. It seems to get worse when it’s warmer in the house. I’ve made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow and we’re getting that and his mark on his foot. He’s had it since we brought him home from the hospital, and we’re chalking it up to a birth mark. But it’s gotten darker and I just want to get it checked out, being that it hasn’t been there since he was born.

Kaeidyn’s year-end review is coming up in a couple weeks. I’m excited to see how much she’s improved. I don’t know how the whole transition from Kindergarten to Grade 1 goes, so we’ll be discussing that too. The Boyfriend and I have been in charge of walking her to school everyday this week, though I think only once did I take her to school. She even prefers The Boyfriend walking her to school, and most days when I go pick her up from school, she sees me and excitedly yells, “Mommy” and then gives me a¬†quizzical¬†look and says, “Why couldn’t The Boyfriend come pick me up?”.

Keirnan officially has more than one word in his vocabulary. It’s still mostly just understanding him through pointing. “Airplane” and “Bicycle” are now his two favorite words, and as we’re driving or walking or sitting in the house, if he sees or hears these things, he screams the word out with delight. I hate this point in the talking game, because it’s the most frustrating part. They know what they want, and they’re trying to say it, and you’re trying to understand but you can’t, and they’re saying it over and over and getting more and more frustrated by the fact that you can’t understand them and you’re getting more and more frustrated, and it’s just terribly stressful.

Kenzie has been violent and whiny these last couple of days. Violent with Carter especially. I feel like I’m always telling him to stop hitting or, “Don’t you punch your brother!!” and then when he gets in trouble, his voice goes to this girly pitch and he whines at you, and if you get upset at him for whining, he starts crying. It seems like we’re discovering that Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan are becoming more and more like their father everyday!

Carter’s got a front tooth breaking through, plus he’s been sick, so he’s been a grumpy guy these last couple of days. Mostly at night it seems. During the day we can still get him to laugh and smile, but once night hits all he wants to do is cuddle and eat. He’s so squeaky right now thanks to his cold, and it reminds me so much of the first couple of days in the hospital after he was born, and every time he’d cry, he’d squeak. It’s a constant reminder that he’s growing up so fast!

I’ve thrown out another couple of resumes, and so far no response back. But I don’t expect to hear anything for at least two weeks. I’m hoping a job isn’t going to kill my body. I can’t even regularly take showers because it’s too much for my knees to bare, imagine standing on my feet for eight hours!! ¬†But I think that determination will see me through.

Well I guess that’s all for now. For those of you who haven’t yet, you can keep updated on all the blogs and sites that I write and maintain at The Rantings Network Headquarters. Also follow me on Twitter!

I don’t know why, but today all I seem to be thinking about is how much I need to get a life outside of my house and my kids. I’ve felt nothing but this incredible amount of sadness over how isolated I’ve become. Not that I’ve ever really been one to go out and do stuff and hang out with people and have friends, but I’m sure starting to despise being stuck in the house all day, everyday. And when I do leave the house, it’s not for me. It’s to get food for the kids, or rent money from the bank or to pick Kaeidyn up from school.

What does everyone else think about when they do the dishes? What is the most common thought a stay-at-home mom has when she’s doing her daily cleaning? For me, every time I start to clean (which almost automatically makes me mad, because I’m all like, “Didn’t I JUST do this?!?!?”), I just start thinking about all the choices I made that got me to where I am today.

This morning, I was doing some research on what it would take to become a sexologist or sex therapist, my ultimate dream jobs. And almost as soon as I found the answer, the entire dream bubble was completely popped. I just kept thinking, if I didn’t make all those choices I made, it could possibly happen.

I’ve been in a horrible funk since last night, and I just don’t see it changing. I feel incredibly angry at myself. Will I never learn? I hate that I know, logically know, how to change my life. How to get my house clean and start feeling better about myself, especially as a parent. How to complete one thing, instead of starting a whole bunch of things that never get finished. I know how to do these things. And it makes me angry at myself that, while I know the solutions to all the things that I currently hate about this life, I just keep doing the things that I hate. Dating the kind of people I hate. Letting my house get to this state where I hate it.

Today, Kaeidyn goes and asks The Boyfriend, as he’s getting ready to go over to his friends’ house, “You have friends?” and he says, “I’ve got a bunch of friends, but I only hang out with one of them.” He kind of scoffs, “That’s pathetic.”, and I literally said, “Hey, at least you have even one friend!” He’s all like, “You have me Babe!”

And yes, I have him and I have Alfie for “friends”, though I don’t think you can ever count your babies daddies as friends. Alfie would’ve ditched and stopped talking to me years ago, if we didn’t have kids together. We really have nothing in common, we have completely different values, and if I didn’t have kids with him, I probably wouldn’t put up with him. Even The Boyfriend is more of a buddy than a friend.

I can’t seriously talk to him about my interests, because no one seems to take sexuality seriously, and he doesn’t know anything more than, “I like this song” about music. When I do have things that I would talk to a friend about, like my Boyfriend, I don’t want to talk to The Boyfriend about it, because I’m so scared of becoming that irrational, over-emotional, jealous psycho bitch, that I was once known as.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at really. I need to get a job or go back to school or something. Something outside of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Even a freaking date night would help. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day, and nothing except for maybe finances changing, or a dish didn’t get dirty. It’s just this vicious circle and I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how women with a lot of kids stand it. How do you get passed this isolated feeling?

So even though today started off looking like it was going to be a bad day, it ended up being a very good and very productive day. The Boyfriend drove Kaeidyn to school this morning, and ran and got some formula for Carter (since he’s finished an entire box!). Then around 10 AM, I woke up to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

It’s been a gloomy rainy day all day. My favorite. So I grabbed an umbrella and walked my shivering ass to her school. She was so excited to walk home in the rain, and ran all the way home through every last puddle she could find. I discovered that I remembered much more about rainbows than I thought I did, as we walked past a puddle with an rainbow caused by oil in it.

I got home, and after much procrastination, decided to go do the dishes. Well after I got one load of dishes done, I suckered Kaeidyn and Kenzie into washing the cups and silverware. I love how good of a job they do, I’m always shocked that I only have to go back over a couple things.

I ended up getting almost all of the dishes done, finally sweeped and mopped the floor (which seriously needed it), and got some more laundry done. Now all that’s left to do before The Boyfriend goes back to work is vacuum the living room, clean the counters, clean the dining room and finish up even more laundry. Tonight, I have to fold clothes and put them away before we go to bed. But that shouldn’t take me long, especially being that I’ll probably sucker The Boyfriend into helping with that ūüėČ

I need to start working out so bad. Almost everyday I find myself complaining about some part of my body. Of course, not often out loud. But I’m always thinking about it. Lately, it’s been all about my stomach and my feet. In the summer, I prided myself on my gorgeous feet. Now, I just want to keep them covered up all the time.

Prior to Carter, I had gotten to the point that the only thing that I didn’t like about my stomach was the stretch marks. Now, it’s the entire shape of it. It protrudes like I’m still pregnant, and I despise it.

I’ve been contemplating about cutting Sprite out of my diet, and switching to water. Problem is, I hate water, with a passion. But, I figure if I want things to change, I have to change them. I’m also thinking about trying to quit smoking again. I seem to be much more nervous and hesitant about it now though.

I was planning on barbecuing up dinner tonight, but then it had to rain all day. So I made these delicious pork chops in the oven, that literally simmered away in what I’m calling My Barbecue Butter Sauce, which is basically just garlic barbecue sauce, a lot of butter and every spice I have in my spice cupboard (which isn’t very many spices). It was delicious, especially on top of the Yorkshire Puddings.

I wish I liked more fruits and vegetables. Even if I was able to puree them up and then add them to sauces or whatever, but I seem to notice every little one. It sucks being such a picky eater sometimes.

Well, I guess that’s really all I have to write about today, but I guess more in the next couple of days here.