Archive for the ‘SAHM’ Category

Today, all the kids have either had attitudes, been rough with each other or been grumpy. Needless to say, I’m exhausted, bitchy and frustrated after having to go downstairs an hour after bedtime because Kaeidyn hit Kenzie extremely hard. In part because she was mad that she had to drink water, and the other part because Kenzie was playing with the blanket.

They went to Alfie’s last night, and then Kaeidyn got picked up for school this morning. Then after school, Kaeidyn and the kids stayed at Alfie’s until around dinner time. Kaeidyn has had an attitude in general lately, though spend a night at Alfie’s and it goes into overdrive and she becomes whiny and bossy on top of all that attitude. I thought after all the quiet, I’d be prepared for them to come back. But all day, everytime I’m around them, I just feel incredibly stressed out.

The attitudes and the roughness and the way they talk to each other is becoming so exhausting to deal with. It doesn’t help that there is three different parental units that are helping in the discipline (Alfie, The Boyfriend and I) on a regular basis, and though we are all striving to present a united front with the same types of technique, we all have our own parenting styles. And it just doesn’t seem to be working out very well.

Carter is teething hardcore. He’s got two teeth on the bottom now, and within days two on the top have started coming through. Then, he’s motoring all over the place. The baby gate almost always has to be up, the living room gets completely trashed by him, and we’re constantly chasing him around. So we’ve got a grumpy, energetic baby who is going through formula like it’s the end of the world.

The Boyfriend and I did a pretty huge clean of the kitchen today. I got almost all but one load of the dishes done, we finally swept and mopped the floor, and all but one counter is wiped down. The last load of laundry and the counter are getting done before we go to bed tonight.

I’m also planning on taking a walk down memory lane tonight, by going through my hope chest, which I haven’t been through since shortly after moving in here. It’s got my porcelain dolls, old journals and letters/notes from friends that I’ve kept over the years. Then I plan to throw the chest out. It’s wicker, falling apart and making a mess.

Oh yeah, did you notice I changed my theme 😉 I was bored of the old one, so let me know what you think. Did you like the old theme or this one better?

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I’m so happy it’s a sunny day today. Yesterday was so cold, and the house was so cold (until we turned the oven on…), and today has the potential of being a really nice day. I might even get to kick the kids outside for a bit 😉

So Kaeidyn got her first real slumber party the other night, after we went to see some of The Boyfriend’s family, on a cold and dreary, windy day in the park. Kaeidyn calls me when we’re getting ready to go pick her up, asking if she gets to come home soon. Then when I say yes, she bursts out into tears, “But I don’t want to come home now. I want to spend another night!” She came home…

My housework is getting out of control again, and it sucks because I feel like it wasn’t that long ago that Mama T was here helping out. Laziness, procrastination and soreness throughout my body are being huge hindrances in getting anything done. I think it also has something to do with The Boyfriend being home so often. When he’s around and awake (which happens more and more), I want to spend those moments with him – or at least close to him.

It’s been nice having him around so much. Even though we’ve been going through a little bit of a rough patch, for a whole bunch of reasons (mostly very petty reasons), it’s nice seeing him alot everyday and spending time with him and most importantly sleeping next to him. The only thing that sucks about it at all is that on his days off, he pushes his sleeping limit. He’ll try to stay up for almost the entire three days off, and spends most of it exhausted because of it (and normally the first two days off).

Went to Kaeidyn’s year-end review the other day. She’s doing amazing, and is on the verge of reading, so that’s really exciting. The school wants us to get her hearing checked because she’s still leaving off the “sh” at the end of words. She seems to be okay when she’s copying a person, but in just normal conversation, she’s constantly leaving it out.

I love that I’m the type of parent I always wanted to be when it comes to her year-end reviews. I tear up when I look at her scrapbook and see how much she’s improved. I ask tons of questions when we’re at them, checking to make sure she’s doing good. I’m just hoping one of these days (probably when she’s not only going for half a day), I’ll be one of those parents who gets involved in her schooling more, involved in the school more.

Keirnan’s appointment for getting his teeth pulled is coming up. It’s surprising to me that he hasn’t had more problems with the teeth. Before we went to the dentist, it seemed like every month or two he was getting infections and needing antibiotics. This last little while has been really good. He hasn’t complained about them at all, and only now is he starting to show signs of maybe getting an infection. Luckily, it’s only a few more weeks until they will be out and not causing him a problem.

Carter, my dear, sweet Carter. He has been motoring everywhere. We can’t look away from him for longer than a second before he’s half way across the room. He’s decided he likes to sit at the top of the stairs and yell down them (it echoes quite nicely), so we are often chasing him back to the living room. I don’t understand why we don’t use the safety gate more, other than the fact that I still haven’t even tried to learn how to use it.

Kenzie has been loud, really loud. And constantly hyper. He seems to have energy seeping from every pore in his body and can more often than not be found running about the house, screaming something. Followed, of course, by everyone else in the house going, “Quiet down, Kenzie!”, to which Keirnan normally responds, “No”, his new favorite word.

My body has been giving me all sorts of problems lately. I went for my pelvic ultrasound, and they said everything looked normal and the best they could figure is that it’s the depo causing it. My doctor wants me to start taking the shots every two months instead of every three. I don’t want to go off the depo though, this is the longest I’ve ever been on birth control without missing a day or forgetting to take my pills for a week or two. Even though there’s all these other things that I hate about it, at least it’s keeping me from getting pregnant. I just want to stop bleeding.

My entire body has been filled with pain these last couple of days. From things feeling like their swelling, to joints being stiff, and cramping all up and down my back, my pain is seriously exhausting. My knees and ankles have been really bad these past couple of days. I hate that I’m still so young, but feel so old. I even walk like an old lady.

I’ve been thinking about starting a serious workout regime, especially being that since I haven’t gotten to sleep in past ten in a really long time, it’s been easier and easier for me to wake up early. This morning, I was awake before the kids! I just want to get rid of my baby pooch (which looks like I’m 3 months pregnant on bad days!), and feel comfortable in this skin, because lately, I really really don’t. The only problem (along with almost all the problems in my life) is that I have absolutely no routine of the day. Or at least a very crappy routine.

The Boyfriend and I have been talking about getting some sort of routine in place. Especially where finances are concerned. I hate that we sit around talking about all this stuff, and then never do it. We need to become the kind of people who get up off our butts and just do things. Not the impulsive things we do. I mean, when we say we’re going to create a budget and stick to it, we need to become the type of people who will. Or when we say we’re gonna start working out, that we do.

Well, I think now I’m going to go browse through my local paper and see what jobs I might be able to apply online to (since I haven’t heard back from any of the previous places I applied at). I’m still not taking it very seriously, as I still have another 5 months of maternity leave left. But man, am I desperate to get out of the house more!

So I’ve been incredibly lazy these last couple of days, and yet not so lazy all at the same time. I haven’t gotten any cleaning done around the house, I keep making The Boyfriend walk Kaeidyn to school, and I’ve been making him do the laundry and the cooking. He’s been wonderful and just picks up all the slack and hardly complains about it at all.

I’ve been feeling very weak and tired and sore lately. I got out of bed today and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I was trying so hard to stay awake on the couch, but I kept dozing off. Again, The Boyfriend was a sweetheart and let me go back to sleep until I had to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

Then Mama T came over, and the kids suckered her in to letting us go over there. Had a super delicious barbecued pork supper with corn on the cob. It really is my most favorite vegetable in the world. Mama T had four cobs, and a can of corn. The cobs were meant for us adults, but the kids weren’t having that and shared with Mama T and Chef, and then devoured what wasn’t finished on mine and The Boyfriend’s.

Yesterday or maybe the day before, we were convinced Carter had chicken pox. He woke up and his entire chest and back and up his neck was covered in these little red dots. Had them in his armpits, diaper line, everywhere but his legs and arms. Then we went to sleep and when we woke up they were almost gone, but by the afternoon they were back with a vengeance and had multiplied.

Today, you can hardly tell at all. He has a cold, but that’s it. We’re thinking it might be a bit of heat rash mixed with the crawling on the carpet. It seems to get worse when it’s warmer in the house. I’ve made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow and we’re getting that and his mark on his foot. He’s had it since we brought him home from the hospital, and we’re chalking it up to a birth mark. But it’s gotten darker and I just want to get it checked out, being that it hasn’t been there since he was born.

Kaeidyn’s year-end review is coming up in a couple weeks. I’m excited to see how much she’s improved. I don’t know how the whole transition from Kindergarten to Grade 1 goes, so we’ll be discussing that too. The Boyfriend and I have been in charge of walking her to school everyday this week, though I think only once did I take her to school. She even prefers The Boyfriend walking her to school, and most days when I go pick her up from school, she sees me and excitedly yells, “Mommy” and then gives me a quizzical look and says, “Why couldn’t The Boyfriend come pick me up?”.

Keirnan officially has more than one word in his vocabulary. It’s still mostly just understanding him through pointing. “Airplane” and “Bicycle” are now his two favorite words, and as we’re driving or walking or sitting in the house, if he sees or hears these things, he screams the word out with delight. I hate this point in the talking game, because it’s the most frustrating part. They know what they want, and they’re trying to say it, and you’re trying to understand but you can’t, and they’re saying it over and over and getting more and more frustrated by the fact that you can’t understand them and you’re getting more and more frustrated, and it’s just terribly stressful.

Kenzie has been violent and whiny these last couple of days. Violent with Carter especially. I feel like I’m always telling him to stop hitting or, “Don’t you punch your brother!!” and then when he gets in trouble, his voice goes to this girly pitch and he whines at you, and if you get upset at him for whining, he starts crying. It seems like we’re discovering that Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan are becoming more and more like their father everyday!

Carter’s got a front tooth breaking through, plus he’s been sick, so he’s been a grumpy guy these last couple of days. Mostly at night it seems. During the day we can still get him to laugh and smile, but once night hits all he wants to do is cuddle and eat. He’s so squeaky right now thanks to his cold, and it reminds me so much of the first couple of days in the hospital after he was born, and every time he’d cry, he’d squeak. It’s a constant reminder that he’s growing up so fast!

I’ve thrown out another couple of resumes, and so far no response back. But I don’t expect to hear anything for at least two weeks. I’m hoping a job isn’t going to kill my body. I can’t even regularly take showers because it’s too much for my knees to bare, imagine standing on my feet for eight hours!!  But I think that determination will see me through.

Well I guess that’s all for now. For those of you who haven’t yet, you can keep updated on all the blogs and sites that I write and maintain at The Rantings Network Headquarters. Also follow me on Twitter!

I don’t know why, but today all I seem to be thinking about is how much I need to get a life outside of my house and my kids. I’ve felt nothing but this incredible amount of sadness over how isolated I’ve become. Not that I’ve ever really been one to go out and do stuff and hang out with people and have friends, but I’m sure starting to despise being stuck in the house all day, everyday. And when I do leave the house, it’s not for me. It’s to get food for the kids, or rent money from the bank or to pick Kaeidyn up from school.

What does everyone else think about when they do the dishes? What is the most common thought a stay-at-home mom has when she’s doing her daily cleaning? For me, every time I start to clean (which almost automatically makes me mad, because I’m all like, “Didn’t I JUST do this?!?!?”), I just start thinking about all the choices I made that got me to where I am today.

This morning, I was doing some research on what it would take to become a sexologist or sex therapist, my ultimate dream jobs. And almost as soon as I found the answer, the entire dream bubble was completely popped. I just kept thinking, if I didn’t make all those choices I made, it could possibly happen.

I’ve been in a horrible funk since last night, and I just don’t see it changing. I feel incredibly angry at myself. Will I never learn? I hate that I know, logically know, how to change my life. How to get my house clean and start feeling better about myself, especially as a parent. How to complete one thing, instead of starting a whole bunch of things that never get finished. I know how to do these things. And it makes me angry at myself that, while I know the solutions to all the things that I currently hate about this life, I just keep doing the things that I hate. Dating the kind of people I hate. Letting my house get to this state where I hate it.

Today, Kaeidyn goes and asks The Boyfriend, as he’s getting ready to go over to his friends’ house, “You have friends?” and he says, “I’ve got a bunch of friends, but I only hang out with one of them.” He kind of scoffs, “That’s pathetic.”, and I literally said, “Hey, at least you have even one friend!” He’s all like, “You have me Babe!”

And yes, I have him and I have Alfie for “friends”, though I don’t think you can ever count your babies daddies as friends. Alfie would’ve ditched and stopped talking to me years ago, if we didn’t have kids together. We really have nothing in common, we have completely different values, and if I didn’t have kids with him, I probably wouldn’t put up with him. Even The Boyfriend is more of a buddy than a friend.

I can’t seriously talk to him about my interests, because no one seems to take sexuality seriously, and he doesn’t know anything more than, “I like this song” about music. When I do have things that I would talk to a friend about, like my Boyfriend, I don’t want to talk to The Boyfriend about it, because I’m so scared of becoming that irrational, over-emotional, jealous psycho bitch, that I was once known as.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at really. I need to get a job or go back to school or something. Something outside of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Even a freaking date night would help. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day, and nothing except for maybe finances changing, or a dish didn’t get dirty. It’s just this vicious circle and I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how women with a lot of kids stand it. How do you get passed this isolated feeling?

So even though today started off looking like it was going to be a bad day, it ended up being a very good and very productive day. The Boyfriend drove Kaeidyn to school this morning, and ran and got some formula for Carter (since he’s finished an entire box!). Then around 10 AM, I woke up to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

It’s been a gloomy rainy day all day. My favorite. So I grabbed an umbrella and walked my shivering ass to her school. She was so excited to walk home in the rain, and ran all the way home through every last puddle she could find. I discovered that I remembered much more about rainbows than I thought I did, as we walked past a puddle with an rainbow caused by oil in it.

I got home, and after much procrastination, decided to go do the dishes. Well after I got one load of dishes done, I suckered Kaeidyn and Kenzie into washing the cups and silverware. I love how good of a job they do, I’m always shocked that I only have to go back over a couple things.

I ended up getting almost all of the dishes done, finally sweeped and mopped the floor (which seriously needed it), and got some more laundry done. Now all that’s left to do before The Boyfriend goes back to work is vacuum the living room, clean the counters, clean the dining room and finish up even more laundry. Tonight, I have to fold clothes and put them away before we go to bed. But that shouldn’t take me long, especially being that I’ll probably sucker The Boyfriend into helping with that 😉

I need to start working out so bad. Almost everyday I find myself complaining about some part of my body. Of course, not often out loud. But I’m always thinking about it. Lately, it’s been all about my stomach and my feet. In the summer, I prided myself on my gorgeous feet. Now, I just want to keep them covered up all the time.

Prior to Carter, I had gotten to the point that the only thing that I didn’t like about my stomach was the stretch marks. Now, it’s the entire shape of it. It protrudes like I’m still pregnant, and I despise it.

I’ve been contemplating about cutting Sprite out of my diet, and switching to water. Problem is, I hate water, with a passion. But, I figure if I want things to change, I have to change them. I’m also thinking about trying to quit smoking again. I seem to be much more nervous and hesitant about it now though.

I was planning on barbecuing up dinner tonight, but then it had to rain all day. So I made these delicious pork chops in the oven, that literally simmered away in what I’m calling My Barbecue Butter Sauce, which is basically just garlic barbecue sauce, a lot of butter and every spice I have in my spice cupboard (which isn’t very many spices). It was delicious, especially on top of the Yorkshire Puddings.

I wish I liked more fruits and vegetables. Even if I was able to puree them up and then add them to sauces or whatever, but I seem to notice every little one. It sucks being such a picky eater sometimes.

Well, I guess that’s really all I have to write about today, but I guess more in the next couple of days here.

This week has been the longest week of my life. After two or three days of cleaning with Mama T, which didn’t even get done…, I pretty much spent the next two or three days trying to avoid dealing with absolutely anything.

My room and the kids’ sleeping room got nice and clean, even got the carpets shampooed. Even though Mama T went to the laundromat with stuff, I’m still doing loads that weren’t taken. I think I’ve done four in the last two days (stupid dryer…), and I’ve probably got at least ten left to go. That’s even after sorting through all the dirty clothes and just throwing out anything we weren’t keeping.

Today I got a little bit more cleaning done. I can’t wait until the kitchen is clean, I think I’ll be quite please when that happens. Don’t know when it’s going to happen, but it’s got to. I’ve pretty much kissed the concept of keeping my entire house clean goodbye, so for now I’ll just be happy with what I can get.

The weather has been pretty nice around here lately. It’s always a good time of year for me when the weather is nice. Because then the older kids spend most of the day outside. While that means that I’m getting up more often (to check on them), and listening to more whining (as they fight over the bike and the car), it’s a heck of alot quieter on the interior of the house!

Kaeidyn had yet another birthday party to go to today. That’s the third one this year! This time was the movie theater. Again, I didn’t get to take her, but luckily my aunt had no problem getting her there and back. I love that she’s a girly girl who likes to put make up on and play dress up and get her hair done. It forces me to be a little bit more girly.

Kenzie has been a brat these last couple of days. He’s got so much energy and he still doesn’t grasp the limitations of his strength. Today, he had to be completely grounded off of being anywhere near Carter because everytime he’d go near him, Carter would end up getting hurt. He comes to give me a kiss goodnight and bashes his head off my chin. He just rushes about so much, that it’s like he’s not paying attention to anything.

Keirnan seems like he’s been nothing but tears these last couple of days. He always seems to be whining about something. Someone took his toy, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, he’s bored. We had a nice long cuddle at the computer today after Kaeidyn left for her party, he was incredibly upset.

He’s been working hard on the talking thing. If you talk to someone else, like if you’re giving Kenzie heck, he’ll copy every word you say. The only problem is, all those words sound exactly the same. It just sounds like he’s repeating the same word over and over.

Carter, the little devil, is officially on the move, all the time. We can’t get him to stay still if our lives depended on it. He pulls himself up on the furniture with ease, he’s crawling like a crazy fiend, he’s even starting to sit by himself. I’m pretty sure he’s officially saying “Mama” too, it sure sounds like it.

I wish that I would’ve had what I have with him with the other kids. He’ll be in shambles, crying his heart out, and I’ll walk in the room and he hears my voice, and immediately his face lights up – and so does mine. He’s constantly wanting to cuddle me and be held by me, and I’m not even breastfeeding all the time anymore.

I feel differently about him as a baby than I did about the other kids as babies. Yes, I loved them all to death as babies. But I was so in that depressed state, that I never really enjoyed them as babies. I didn’t play with them alot as babies, I didn’t hold them all the time. With Carter, I’m just in this mental state where I can be receptive to him and be giving to him. At least I have that with the older kids now, I just keep thinking I wish I would’ve had it then.

This last week has been trying on my entire being, especially physically and emotionally. I think I have reached over the five mark on the pain scale, ten being the highest. It seems like everyday I discover a new muscle, with it’s aches and pains right behind it. Today, it feels like the muscle that’s used to pull my shoulder blades together, is literally throbbing. When I woke up this morning, and right up until it got dark, it was my feet and ankles. Yesterday, it was all in my knees.

Then to make all matters worse, I’m still freaking bleeding. It’s been six months since I had Carter, and I’ve had maybe a total now of ten days without bleeding, but other than that, bleeding. It seriously can’t be healthy to bleed for six months!!! I need to see my doctor about it, but I fear that it will all be chalked up to the depo, and then I’ll be taken off of that and forced to go to some other method. And so far, this method is working out really well for me.

I’m not one of those people who easily remembers to take a pill everyday. I’ve never used a tampon, so the idea of the Nuva-Ring scares the heck out of me. I’ve been having sex without a condom, since I started having sex, and it doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever to go back to it, when I’m only having sex with the father of my baby! I think before I think about it too much, I should just call my doctor tomorrow.

Tomorrow… It’s going to be a busy day. I’ve gotta walk Kaeidyn to school in the morning (YAY for Alfie working…), then I absolutely need to call H&R Block about getting my taxes done – which I’m hoping they’ll be able to do even though I don’t have ID (which I need to do something about sometime soon), I need to call a couple other places and hopefully go cash a check tomorrow.

It’s also Kenzie’s birthday tomorrow! He officially turns the big 4. We’ve sort of planned having a party for him on Saturday, though I don’t know exactly what we’re doing or where or what time or who’s coming. All details to figure out this week. It’s hard to believe that Kenzie’s been around for four years, he still seems so young. I’m totally recounting the story of his birth to him tomorrow. “It was a bright, sunny day. Don’t worry, at the end of this story there is great pain and gushes of blood…”

I started out today thinking it was going to suck hard, but it ended up being a pretty rocking day. First, I had to take Kaeidyn to school this morning. This week, they’re learning about nutrition, so everyday they’re cooking something. Yesterday was stone soup, today was buns. So she was so excited to go to school, that 6 AM she comes running into my room, “Mommy, I’m gonna be late for school.” Luckily I was able to get her back to bed until about 7.

Then Mama T picked Kaeidyn up from school, and came over to help get the cleaning more under control. Not what I had planned, but she ended up doing most of the work completely herself. I felt incredibly bad. But the kids room is spotless, the bathroom is cleaned and so are my stairs. She’s gonna come back over tomorrow, after I’ve got my room pretty much done, and we’re gonna try to get everything else done.

I think The Boyfriend was avoiding be enlisted for cleaning jobs, so he worked on the van. After a couple hours, and a few breaks, he was able to get the van back up and running. It took a little bit of investigation on his part, but he was able to turn it on, and we even went for a short ride with all the kids to go put air in the tires. It was so nice to finally be able to all travel to one place, at the same time, in the same vehicle. I’ve been hating that Carter gets to come for everything, while the other kids get left behind, usually with Alfie.

We had barbecued steak for dinner, which the kids loved. Ate two whole steaks between the three of them, which is pretty spectacular being that they normally share one piece of meat between the three of them. And now The Boyfriend and I are having barbecued sandwiches. He had thought that we had no propane left, and then today he tested it out and it turns out we still have a full tank.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna have to let Kenzie play games, because he was begging all day today, and I kept telling him to hold off and then it ended up being bed time, so he never got to play games. We got them Socker Boppers today, so that’s going to be fun tomorrow. They got to play for a little bit today, but not very long.

I felt so bad. The Boyfriend went to Timmies and I got him to take Carter with him. He comes back all in a hurry, and as he walks up the sidewalk, I start hearing Carter wailing. His eyes were all puffy, and he had cried the entire car ride. I felt so bad for him.

We have had alot of screaming around the house these last couple of days, thanks to flies. For some reason, all my kids have decided that they are deathly afraid of flies. They see one, and they start screaming, they can’t move, they cry. I hope it doesn’t happen all summer long…

Yesterday, we went to the exercise park and took two of the neighbor kids. After playing at the exercise park for awhile, we went over to the hill behind our house and all the kids went nuts rolling down the hill for probably close to half an hour. Then we went over to the little tiny park behind our house, where Kenzie proceeded to poop his pants. So we had to cut our park playing short so he could come home and get bathed. Good thing too, because he was disgusting. They had all been playing in the sandy dirt paths, and from head to foot were covered in dustiness.

I feel like a new woman today (too bad it’s not a new and extremely sexy woman…). I finally, after almost a year of not wearing one for any real length of time, bought and am wearing a bra. I went and picked up a three pack of these cool adjustable racer-back sports bras, and then a nice t-shirt bra. So I’m wearing the sports bra, and so far, I’m completely loving it. I hope I keep up with wearing a bra 😉

The Boyfriend is officially on part-time. He’s been so worried about me telling people, because he doesn’t want to seem like the loser boyfriend. I keep assuring him that that’s not how he seems, or at least it’s not to me and that’s all that matters. If he was doing it because he didn’t want to work, then I’d think he was a loser. But that’s not the case at all. Not only can he not, but I can’t stand how much working full-time graveyards takes him away from us. Because it’s not just the night time he’s gone for.

During the days he has to sleep. His days off are mostly dedicated to sleep. It’s especially hard to have a family and work graveyards. He’s on his second night off, and so far it’s been wonderful. Two more nights of bliss!!!! The best part for me, is I won’t have to watch The Big Bang Theory or Parenthood alone anymore 😉