Archive for the ‘Breastfeeding’ Category

This week has been the longest week of my life. After two or three days of cleaning with Mama T, which didn’t even get done…, I pretty much spent the next two or three days trying to avoid dealing with absolutely anything.

My room and the kids’ sleeping room got nice and clean, even got the carpets shampooed. Even though Mama T went to the laundromat with stuff, I’m still doing loads that weren’t taken. I think I’ve done four in the last two days (stupid dryer…), and I’ve probably got at least ten left to go. That’s even after sorting through all the dirty clothes and just throwing out anything we weren’t keeping.

Today I got a little bit more cleaning done. I can’t wait until the kitchen is clean, I think I’ll be quite please when that happens. Don’t know when it’s going to happen, but it’s got to. I’ve pretty much kissed the concept of keeping my entire house clean goodbye, so for now I’ll just be happy with what I can get.

The weather has been pretty nice around here lately. It’s always a good time of year for me when the weather is nice. Because then the older kids spend most of the day outside. While that means that I’m getting up more often (to check on them), and listening to more whining (as they fight over the bike and the car), it’s a heck of alot quieter on the interior of the house!

Kaeidyn had yet another birthday party to go to today. That’s the third one this year! This time was the movie theater. Again, I didn’t get to take her, but luckily my aunt had no problem getting her there and back. I love that she’s a girly girl who likes to put make up on and play dress up and get her hair done. It forces me to be a little bit more girly.

Kenzie has been a brat these last couple of days. He’s got so much energy and he still doesn’t grasp the limitations of his strength. Today, he had to be completely grounded off of being anywhere near Carter because everytime he’d go near him, Carter would end up getting hurt. He comes to give me a kiss goodnight and bashes his head off my chin. He just rushes about so much, that it’s like he’s not paying attention to anything.

Keirnan seems like he’s been nothing but tears these last couple of days. He always seems to be whining about something. Someone took his toy, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, he’s bored. We had a nice long cuddle at the computer today after Kaeidyn left for her party, he was incredibly upset.

He’s been working hard on the talking thing. If you talk to someone else, like if you’re giving Kenzie heck, he’ll copy every word you say. The only problem is, all those words sound exactly the same. It just sounds like he’s repeating the same word over and over.

Carter, the little devil, is officially on the move, all the time. We can’t get him to stay still if our lives depended on it. He pulls himself up on the furniture with ease, he’s crawling like a crazy fiend, he’s even starting to sit by himself. I’m pretty sure he’s officially saying “Mama” too, it sure sounds like it.

I wish that I would’ve had what I have with him with the other kids. He’ll be in shambles, crying his heart out, and I’ll walk in the room and he hears my voice, and immediately his face lights up – and so does mine. He’s constantly wanting to cuddle me and be held by me, and I’m not even breastfeeding all the time anymore.

I feel differently about him as a baby than I did about the other kids as babies. Yes, I loved them all to death as babies. But I was so in that depressed state, that I never really enjoyed them as babies. I didn’t play with them alot as babies, I didn’t hold them all the time. With Carter, I’m just in this mental state where I can be receptive to him and be giving to him. At least I have that with the older kids now, I just keep thinking I wish I would’ve had it then.

This last week has been trying on my entire being, especially physically and emotionally. I think I have reached over the five mark on the pain scale, ten being the highest. It seems like everyday I discover a new muscle, with it’s aches and pains right behind it. Today, it feels like the muscle that’s used to pull my shoulder blades together, is literally throbbing. When I woke up this morning, and right up until it got dark, it was my feet and ankles. Yesterday, it was all in my knees.

Then to make all matters worse, I’m still freaking bleeding. It’s been six months since I had Carter, and I’ve had maybe a total now of ten days without bleeding, but other than that, bleeding. It seriously can’t be healthy to bleed for six months!!! I need to see my doctor about it, but I fear that it will all be chalked up to the depo, and then I’ll be taken off of that and forced to go to some other method. And so far, this method is working out really well for me.

I’m not one of those people who easily remembers to take a pill everyday. I’ve never used a tampon, so the idea of the Nuva-Ring scares the heck out of me. I’ve been having sex without a condom, since I started having sex, and it doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever to go back to it, when I’m only having sex with the father of my baby! I think before I think about it too much, I should just call my doctor tomorrow.

Tomorrow… It’s going to be a busy day. I’ve gotta walk Kaeidyn to school in the morning (YAY for Alfie working…), then I absolutely need to call H&R Block about getting my taxes done – which I’m hoping they’ll be able to do even though I don’t have ID (which I need to do something about sometime soon), I need to call a couple other places and hopefully go cash a check tomorrow.

It’s also Kenzie’s birthday tomorrow! He officially turns the big 4. We’ve sort of planned having a party for him on Saturday, though I don’t know exactly what we’re doing or where or what time or who’s coming. All details to figure out this week. It’s hard to believe that Kenzie’s been around for four years, he still seems so young. I’m totally recounting the story of his birth to him tomorrow. “It was a bright, sunny day. Don’t worry, at the end of this story there is great pain and gushes of blood…”

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These last couple of days have been full of emotions for me. From stressed to happy, and annoyed to giddy. The kids have all been pretty rotten these last couple of days. Kaeidyn’s been whiny and bossy, and learning too much, too young. And I never thought I’d be one of those parents who ever said that.

But when Kaeidyn came in from playing outside today, telling me about a kid right around her age, telling her that they had a girlfriend that they slept with and made out with (making out for Kaeidyn is sex), I changed my mind completely. I don’t have an issue talking to her about sex at all, but I don’t like other people talking to her about sex. I don’t like that I wasn’t around to explain it to her or anything. And of course, when she brought it up, I was just so taken aback by the fact that a kid her age was bragging about making out with another kid her age, that I didn’t even respond at first. I just kind of sat there with my mouth open.

She got her hair curled last night, and she went to school with ringlets. Man, does my kid ever look cute with curly hair. I wish I could make it like that forever. It’s going to be interesting to see what it looks like tomorrow. Even though she’s got my hair, she holds a curl way better than I do…

She’s been repeating the beginning of her sentences alot lately. Just over and over again, she’ll say the same four or five words, and then after a few times of saying it, she finally blurts out the rest of the sentence. She sounds alot like Goober did when he was younger. Alfie’s convinced that she only does it around us, because he’s never heard her do it outside of the house. I think at the next parent/teacher conference, I’m gonna ask if the speech therapist has noticed anything.

We’ve finally reached a successful note with the formula, so far. It was being so hard, and now it just suddenly seems easy. For some reason, he won’t take the bottle from The Boyfriend as long as I’m around. The best part is, is that he’s already holding the bottle. I still breastfeed him at night and a few times during the day. But I’ve been trying increasing the amount of formula he’s having everyday.

The first couple of days of more than 2 oz. of formula, he was puking it up every single time he was fed. Now though, we’ve had almost two days of no puking. It doesn’t seem to really be helping his sleeping that much, but it’s definitely nice for me. We’ve made a new discovery with him too. He likes to sleep with a blanket covering his face. The other day, he got underneath of the blanket, and fell asleep. Now, he almost insists on it. If it’s not a blanket, it’s his arm over his eyes.

He’s been moving alot too. You can’t leave him alone for any length of time, because he’s moving so much. We had to buy a baby gate to make sure he doesn’t crawl down the stairs. He keeps pulling himself up on the furniture, and today he finally figured out how to get down from the standing at the furniture position without hurting himself. He is growing up way too fast.

The Boyfriend got me to print up pictures of Carter for him for work tonight. He does it every couple of months. Of course, we haven’t been able to get new pictures because my camera broke, but he took a bunch of old ones. It’s just amazing to me that at one time, he was just a little baby, and now…

Keirnan and Kenzie have been, well, Keirnan and Kenzie. They’ve been noisy, rough and whiny. Keirnan’s having such a hard time with the talking, and I still seem to be the only one who understands him. He also seems to be having a hard time comprehending simple instructions, like today when they were all getting ready to go outside, he was told to grab a pair of socks and his shoes. Well, he went and grabbed his jacket instead. After much pointing and some repeating, probably ten minutes passed and he finally grabbed socks and A shoe.

Kenzie has been trying to help out with Carter constantly, from moving him back to the blanket to holding his bottle. Problem is, Kenzie still hasn’t really gotten control of his strength and doesn’t really know his limitations. Without meaning to, he’s been pretty rough these last couple of days. I feel like I’m constantly saying to him, “Be gentle”, and it feels like he’s just not getting it.

The Boyfriend goes down to part-time starting Monday. There is a big part of me that is filled with this great joy knowing that he’s gonna be around more often. Not only to help out with the handful of kids, but also to keep me company. But there’s another part of me that is worried as hell.

If we were smarter with our money, I wouldn’t be so concerned. But we’re not very smart with our money. As it is, with him working full-time, I feel like we’re barely scraping by month to month. I feel like, financially, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. As long as, if it does get too rough financially, we’re both prepared to do something about it, I think it’ll be okay. But I’ve been stressed about it. He’s just so excited to get to be with Carter more often, that he’s not to the point of stressing about it yet.

I’m hoping, with him having more days off, and being around more often, we might actually get this house sort of clean. It seems like everyday, I make this list and I say, “I’m gonna clean this and that”, and everyday, it never happens. Today I started to clean the living room, by organizing the entertainment stand (which normally gives me a boost of energy for cleaning), but then I screwed up on the alphabetical organization, and that was the end of my cleaning… At least I’ve been getting some laundry done.

So as I told you yesterday, I’ve been hard at work on website stuff. It’s prompted a hail of, “You should do that!”, from both The Boyfriend and Alfie. I’ve thought about it in the past, and I always put it more in the hobby than the career category. But I’m starting to get mighty interested in the idea of it.

One of Alfie’s friends is currently taking a course on web design or something at the college, so Alfie says he’s gonna get me the information and then maybe it’s something to think more seriously about.

By the end of April, The Boyfriend will be down to part-time, working no more than four days a week. It’s gonna be nice to have him around more! I’m nervous about how it’s going to work out financially, but he assures me that if it starts aching, he’ll take up another part-time job. And I’m hoping that soon I’ll be able to go back to work, or maybe this web design thing will magically happen.

Carter is officially pulling himself up on things. When we put him on the couch, he pulls himself up from kneeling to standing with the arm. When he’s on the floor, he’ll try to crawl up your leg. And his most favourite thing is to stand using his bouncy chair as support. It’s odd, he likes to stand outside of it way more than he likes sitting in it.

I wish that he’d start taking formula so bad. Everyone keeps saying that I should just not breastfeed him, and he’ll eventually get hungry enough that he’ll take the formula. On one hand, I think it’s incredibly mean and heartless, and on the other hand it seems kind of logical.

Not only that, have you ever seen Carter take a fit? Seriously, he’s only 6 months old and he throws extreme temper tantrums. I don’t even wanna think about what it’s gonna be like when he’s 2! When I do hold off on breastfeeding, he lays there giving you this look like, “Why are you ignoring me? Don’t you love me at all”. His new thing, if he’s on the carpet, is putting his head on the carpet and then pushing as hard as he can with his toes, to the point where he gets rug burn!  And his cry…

Him and Keirnan must be competing for World’s Loudest Most Irritating Cry. The worst is when they cry, or should I say wail, at the same time. After it gets quiet, you literally feel like you’ve just left a huge rock show where you were seated right next to the speaker. Your temples are pounding, you can’t hear anything.

Today was so cute. Kenzie and Keirnan were being horrible around 5, jumping on the furniture, hitting, and screaming – all things they know they’re not supposed to do, but choose to test the limits of every single day! So I get mad and send them down to their room. About ten minutes go by, when I realize it’s ridiculously quiet downstairs. I tell Kaeidyn to sneak down and check, she does so and quietly comes upstairs, “The boys are sleeping!” Sure enough, they had tucked themselves all nicely into bed, and were both fast asleep.

They got woken up for dinner, and Keirnan was not happy at all about. He cried for almost ten minutes, until he realized his dinner was on the table. Kenzie started off grumpy (as he usually does whenever he’s woken up), but then he came and sat on my lap and I gave him a bunch of kisses and forced him to tell me he loved me, and then he was all smiles.

Found out today that none of the kids like fettucine alfredo. I don’t even think they really tried it. Lasagna, they love. First time in a long time I’ve seen the kids finish off the entire amount of a certain type of food they were given (that wasn’t broccoli or bananas). But left on everyone’s plate was the full amount of fettucine alfredo. So I guess only Mommy and Daddy get that pasta 😉

I keep telling myself to create a cleaning to do list, so that I’ll have visual motivator to get some cleaning done around here. And I want to create it on the computer, so that I can add checkboxes and feel all accomplished as I tick each one off. But when I’m on the computer, I become the addicted Rantings Network fiend, and forget entirely that I have cleaning responsibilities.

Ah well, I’ll get to it eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later. So what do you think of the formula issue?

I wish that Carter would stop crying. I wish that he’d let me put him down. I feel permanently attached to him today, except for earlier when he was happy playing on floor. From that, his knees are all red and almost look like he’s starting to get rug burn.

We had one successful feeding with the formula, and now he’s back to refusing to take it. He seems to be getting distracted from feeding altogether and only really takes well to my breast now when I’m laying down. And I can’t, nor do I want to, lay down all the time!

All the kids have been testing my annoyance levels all day today. Kaeidyn’s been hungry literally all day, I think it’s time for another growth spurt. After cereal this morning, within half an hour she was asking for a snack. Even after she got her snack, she kept asking for more food. Lunch came around, and she downed her lunch and then asked for a snack immediately after. She had two snacks before dinner, mowed down on dinner and is now having yet another snack before bed.

They all seem to be extremely whiny lately too. Especially the boys. I feel bad saying it, but honestly Kenzie’s voice right now is just about the most annoying thing ever. Even when he’s happy, he has a piercing, whiny twang to his voice that automatically causes my temples to pulse. It doesn’t help that he is completely unaware of the volume of his whiny twang, so it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he’s being told to quiet down.

Keirnan’s been crying constantly and seems to cause himself at least two wounds a day. I don’t know if it’s clumsiness as much as it is carelessness. He hits his head off things, even though he ducks when he thinks it’s going to hit him in the head. Somehow manages to hit the table, the counter and the doorknobs constantly. Instead of walking over or picking up a toy, he’ll just step right on it. Which results in a bout of relentless tears and his intense squealing which just about drives me over the edge every time he does it.

I’ve been doing things to try to squander the whininess as much possible, like I used to be able to do. For instance, I let them play outside constantly. Usually when they get fresh air, they become exhausted and pretty much quiet. Now though, it almost seems to make them grumpier. Or giving them a drink. Usually after they’ve had a drink, they don’t whine as much. They’ll sit quietly and drink their drink. Lately, they get a drink and then they all seem to get out of control.

I think that’s the biggest reason why it’s reached this point of overwhelming annoyance. Everything about life right now is completely out of control. The condition of my house is out of control, my finances are out of control, the kids are out of control, the list goes on and on….

I finally and unexpectedly vacuumed the living room, which has been on my to do list for way too long. I was working away on the computer and then I got up to grab a piece of paper that Kaeidyn had left on the ground from Carter, and next thing you know, I’m tidying the floor and vacuuming it. Even though you can hardly tell now, but it’s the thought that counts.

Talked to my landlord today, and this load limiter thing is just a ridiculous thing. Now my landlord wants me to call them back and if they say it’s his responsibility again, he’s gonna call and deal with it, so that I end up having to pay the last eight months of arrears. The thing that pisses me off about it, isn’t that I have to pay that money. It’s that I wish I would’ve known that something was up with my power and I don’t know whose fault it actually was, the providers or the landlords. Plus it pisses me off, because eight months of arrears is not going to come cheap, and right now money is so tight that it will probably take me another eight months just to pay the arrears. And then I’ll have eight more months of arrears to start paying and I’ll be stuck in a horrible and vicious circle.

The Boyfriend has been looking into going down to part-time. Financially speaking, it’s completely inconvenient and couldn’t have possibly come at a worse time. But it’s also killing him in all sorts of ways to continue on like this. If it weren’t graveyard and if he could get some proper sleep, it wouldn’t be that bad. Unfortunately, it’s just not working out and when almost everyday he’s talking about hating his job, how could I possibly not support him on something that could change his physical, mental and emotional status – and for the better.

And if he goes down to part-time, then I can possibly start a part-time job. That would make me ecstatic. I’ve been craving going back to work for years, and it seems the longer I don’t work, the more I want to. Obviously I couldn’t work for long hours or anything, because Carter’s only willing to do rice cereal once a day. But if I could work it around his feedings, maybe during his afternoon nap, I could get away with anywhere from 2 -4 hours of work a couple of times a week.

It feels like it’s been a series of extremely long days and super short sleeps these last couple of days. Today is one of those days where I’d rather be in bed than doing anything else. Unfortunately, it almost never works out the way I want to.

I went and got an unsatisfying haircut today. The last time I got my hair cut, it was long layers with side swept bangs. I’m not really sure what I want haircut-wise. I know that I want to keep my length (because it took me a really long time to get it this long in the first place), I need something low maintenance (because the only thing I know how to do with my hair is piggy tail braids and ponytails, and I don’t have things like a curling iron or blow dryer or even hairspray!), I don’t want a ton of volume (even though, I probably should. But I like having my hair straight and flat against my skull, so that you don’t get the impression that I’m trying to create something I don’t have!) and that’s pretty much the only things I know for sure I want for my hair.

Every single time I say that, hairdressers are automatically like, “Long layers it is then!” They tried to mix it up by cutting shorter layers, but it pretty much looks identical to how my hair did before, except now I have bangs that look like bangs…

I think to get the kind of drastic change that I desire, I’d have to either go short or I’d have to get my hair dyed or I’d have to get a perm of some sort. Which I’ve been thinking about alot lately. I don’t want my hair to look that crazy good, until I do something about my eyebrows…

Kaeidyn and Carter came with me, while Kenzie and Keirnan stayed at home with The Boyfriend. Kaeidyn had a great time. She got to help fold towels and collect them up, she drew pictures for all the hairdressers, she just couldn’t sit still if her life depended on it. Carter was happy right up until I was done getting my hair cut (which took almost two hours!), and then once I was done he got pretty fussy.

I went out and finally saw my brother on Wednesday. I was gonna write all about it that day, but I needed time to process everything that happened. Mama T has come back into town, so we went out there to meet with his social worker, who looked absolutely nothing like what I had pictured from talking to him on the phone. I had alot of complaints when I came home about the way things were handled during the meeting, and one of these days I’ll write about it.

Goober looks like he’s doing much better in there than he was out of there though. They’ve got him on some meds, and they seem to calm him down quite a bit. They’re making him take showers on a regular basis, so he’s nice and clean looking. He wants to come home really badly and I just keep telling him that they’re not going to keep him forever and he’s just gotta put his mind towards becoming sane.

We went out for a smoke, and I’m standing there, and all of a sudden I see a guy that I had brought home from Ponoka when I stayed there. Not in like a sexual sort of sense, he had nowhere else to live, so I offered my place. He ended up not living with us long, because he is in much the same situation my brother is in. But it was nice to run into an old crazy buddy of mine 😉

I cleaned quite a bit yesterday, not really because I wanted to, but more because it was absolutely necessary. Made some chocolate chip pancakes for lunch and a delicious roast beef dinner. If a real chef saw the way I cooked a roast beef dinner though, surely they would die of a heart attack. They’d just be like, “Uh, you.. You can’t… Stop… What’re you… Ouch”, and then they’d collapse and die! Kaeidyn helped me rub it down with spices and butter, and Kenzie helped me put it in the oven and Keirnan closed the oven door. It was a good cooking experience. Rarely do the kids actually get to help me much with dinner, because my kitchen is small and they end up just getting in the way all the time.

I think when The Boyfriend gets paid next, I’m gonna force him to take me to the laundromat and just do all the laundry in one day. Get home and put it all away. Because it is seriously out of control, and from having most of it in laundry baskets and me being the only one who knows which is clean and which is dirty, clean clothes keep ending up in dirty laundry baskets and vice versa. My dryer keeps overheating after one load of drying, so I can only get two or three loads of laundry done a day. And since I tend to not finish what I start, laundry ends up just piling up and piling up and never seems to get anywhere closer to done.

Well I guess that’s really all I have to write about today. I’ve been working really hard on getting The Rantings Network Headquarters (which has moved) set up, and I guess it’s going okay. I need to go back to school for web design something fierce. I can’t wait until I’m off of maternity leave, or even until I don’t have to be physically there to feed Carter. Still no luck with the formula…

Today has been a day to say the least, and I almost gave The  Boyfriend a heart attack, which is either kind of funny, or really sad 😉

So this morning, The Boyfriend brought home a new entertainment stand that we’ve been eyeing for about a month now. He stayed up almost all day getting it set up, and boy does it look pretty. The good thing about it, is it’s going to clear up the 3 small movie shelves we’ve got, and the TV no longer sits on an un-sturdy, old casino table that I got almost 5 years ago from Wal-Mart.

After he was all done building the thing, I asked if we could go to Wal-Mart to pick up formula for Carter. He’s showing alot of interest in solids, but the second he’s given them, he just spits it all out. The only thing he seems to enjoy at all is mashed potatoes, but I don’t want to give him too much of that. I’ve never had to go through the “transition”. The only kid other than Carter that I got to breastfeed for any length of time was Kenzie, and he was so hungry that it didn’t matter what it tasted like.

He doesn’t like the formula, at all! He chews on the nipple and the second the formula gets in his mouth, he makes a face then starts wailing. He’ll hold the formula that is in his mouth in there, until he starts making a choking type noise and then swallows. Then when you try to put the  bottle back in his mouth, he just shakes his head back and forth. So I’m gonna keep trying, and then I’ll breastfeed him. As long as he’s getting a little bit, it’s more than what he’s getting from me.

So we ended up replacing the office chair that we’ve had at the computer desk, because the screws were starting to tear through the padding (so the chair became extremely uncomfortable to sit on). I built the chair with the kids, and it’s so comfy. It’ll be perfect for the kids on the computer too, because it lifts up and down.

It was nice to be able to get to spend some time alone with The Boyfriend today. My cousin came by and watched all the kids (by herself!), so we could run to Wal-Mart. I got more make-up stuff, and now my make-up kit is almost full. Just need some liquid eyeliner and once I get my eyebrows shaped and learn how, an eyebrow pencil and I’ve got everything I want/need. We finally got Star Trek (the newer movie), which we’ve been talking about getting since it came out.

Kaeidyn’s got a birthday party tomorrow, and she insisted we get her friend Barbies. So we got some cheap princess barbie dolls, and a little princess set with shoes for her. Kaeidyn gets to go bowling for the first time ever tomorrow. It should be very interesting.

So you’re probably curious how I gave The Boyfriend a heart attack earlier today, eh? I teased that I thought I was pregnant again. These last couple of days, I seem to be pretty emotional. Which, prior to The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, wouldn’t be cause for concern. That’s pretty much how you could’ve described me, without being mean. Since being with The Boyfriend, it’s taken alot to make me cry, unless I’m pregnant (which has only happened once, so it’s not like there’s alot of evidence behind it ;))

A couple days back, when Goober first landed in the hospital, they wouldn’t let me talk to him, wouldn’t even tell me he was there. So I called his ER doctor (after hours), and tried my hardest to keep it together, but I was pretty upset. So by the end of the message I left, I was sobbing like a little girl. So much so, that when the secretary returned the message, she left the number and said “It sounds like you were a little upset, and I had problems understanding everything you said, so please return our call at…”

Then today, I had to pay back an old buddy of mine, who I know through Alfie. I’ve known him for many many years, and I’ve seen him treat previous girlfriends pretty crappily, and they normally treat him the same. Today, I saw something that not only brought back a thousand memories, but that cut me to the bone!

I’m sitting on his couch, and his girlfriend comes out of their room. She goes to the fridge and grabs a beer. Puts it down on the coffee table and asks for a lighter so she can go out for a smoke. All of a sudden, my (ex) buddy starts yelling at her that she’s stupid and retarded and when she’s outside having her smoke she might as well just jump off the balcony. My jaw dropped open and my eyes welled up.

I walked out of the building and immediately burst in to tears. And it kept running through my head that that was the most terrible and uncomfortable thing I had ever been through. Then I remembered that, that used to be my life. The only difference is, unlike the girlfriend, I would’ve walked up and slapped him in the face and then I would’ve ran like hell, trying to avoid the return hit.

I came home and told The Boyfriend and I just kept saying that I felt so bad for this girl. And he kept looking at me, his eyebrow cocked like he always does. Realizing what he was getting at, I just said, “I can’t believe I went through alot of the same stuff for almost six years!”, and then I just kept saying it.

See, while Alfie and I fought, pretty much all the time and while Alfie was a prick to me (in a way, not buddies way…), he never once called me stupid or retarded in front of his friends. He never once told me to kill or hurt myself, instead he saved me from hurting myself twice – even if one of those times was purely out of annoyance.

Before The Boyfriend, I didn’t mind fighting at all. I used to start arguments with people, just for the sake of starting an argument.  After spending the last year and a half, with virtually no arguing whatsoever, it just completely overwhelmed me. And that’s how the worst parts of the crap that I went through started, and right before my eyes flashed this poor girl’s future, if she chose to stay with buddy.

It starts with arguing, then it turns into name calling and put downs, and then it escalates into physical harm. Hands, stairwells and keyboards have all taught me that. And it just gets such control over you. Logically, in my head, I knew way before it got physical that I should leave. Do you think I could?

Do you think once it got physical, I left? Nope. And it almost sickens me to think that I used to almost egg it on, and after Alfie and I split ways and that physicalness was gone (a few months after we split ways), I almost missed it and craved it.

The upside to the whole situation, if there even is one, is that it really made me aware of how wonderful The Boyfriend is. More than once, I’ve given him good reason to yell and scream at me – and I mean that literally. And somehow, he has been able to calm himself to the point where we can just talk about it. Even though a few times, he’s kind of hit below the belt (without meaning to) verbally, we talk. We don’t yell, we don’t hit, we don’t call each other names.

I came home from buddies place, and wrapped my arms so tight around The Boyfriend just kissing and hugging him. I am honestly so lucky to have him. Even though some of the shit he does ticks me off sometimes, I wouldn’t trade him for all the world. The whole experience just made me appreciate my relationship so much more, so much more.

Well, I have some other adult-type writing to do now. So, I hope your night finds you in good health and great comfort.

Today, Carter and I had a doctor’s appointment. It went pretty well. Carter is doing great, though he dropped from being in the 80th percentile in his weight, down to the 25th percentile. I knew he wasn’t gaining much from my breast milk alone.

At first I was disappointed to hear it, especially being that I think he feels ridiculously heavy. I have a hard time holding him for the length of a breastfeeding, because I think he’s so heavy. But since his last appointment at about 2 months, he’s only gained 2 lbs. So the doctor suggested we try out some solids and maybe start supplementing with formula. I was disappointed, but then I thought about the fact that I’ve been breastfeeding for five months, and only breastfeeding. The only other kid I breastfed for any length of time was Kenzie and that was just a little over a month.

I got my depo prescription filled, and now have to go get that injected. Complained about the pain in my knee, which keeps coming and going. When I was pregnant, it hurt all the time. Now, it goes in and out of hurting. So I got an x-ray, though it showed nothing, so I got an oral and topical anti-inflammatory. Then I mentioned the sketchiness at night, and was given some Ativan.

I know I’ve heard about Ativan, though I can’t remember much about it. The doctor knows that I’m breastfeeding, though the warning says not to use it while you’re breastfeeding. So before I start taking that one, I’ll be calling my local pharmacist. I’ve been “seeing” the same pharmacist (in a very informal manner) since I moved here. He’s a great pharmacist. He describes each medication in detail, lists off commonly reported side effects, and has the answers to my sometimes obvious answered questions. I just realized, that I don’t even know his name… I just know he’s the pharmacist at Wal-Mart 😉

The other day, we whipped out the electric razor, and now Keirnan has no hair (yes, we even got rid of his little rat tail that he’s had since birth!), Kenzie has much shorter hair, though his needs a touch up because he kept jumping all over the place. And Kaeidyn was jealous that the boys got their hair cut with the razor, so I cut her bangs with it. They all look so different when they get their hair cut. Kenzie especially. He looks much more skinny with less hair on his head 😉

Keirnan said his first full and very clear sentence today. “What’s this movie?” was the question he blurted out at Alfie. I couldn’t believe how clear it was. I believe completely that Keirnan can talk, he just doesn’t want to. He knows if he doesn’t, his sister or brother will step in and talk for him. The Boyfriend says he was the same way growing up. And that makes me think that I applaud any woman in the entire world, who raises boys without a man around. Because I would be completely lost!

Kenzie has been playing less and less games it seems. And it almost seems like it’s happened completely naturally. He doesn’t like being secluded away from everyone so much. If I fall asleep on the couch while Kaeidyn’s at school, then he’ll play the Wii. But other than that, he asks about them still, but hardly ever plays them. It’s been really good.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed these last couple of days, though still in really good spirits. The messes in the house keep piling up and seem harder and harder to maintain (especially with how tired I’ve been these last couple of days), the kids seem to be getting louder and louder (especially Carter who seems to only cry and eat and sleep!) and even though I’m hardly doing anything, by the end of the day I feel tired and sore and stressed about the day to come.

I was also disappointed today at the doctor’s, when I stepped upon the scale and it creeped past the 136 lbs I was the last time I weighed myself. I won’t tell you where it’s at, because I’m still in denial, but I will tell you that I’m absolutely not happy with it. I need to start doing more cardio and ab workouts and get rid of my baby pooch…