Archive for the ‘Pikachu’ Category

It’s been an extremely long day, so long. I’ve run the gamut of emotions today, and I’m not even 100% sure why, but I know that it sucks. Luckily, it’s Saturday, which means that Gilmore Girls is on CMT, so there’s something to cheer me up.

It was an extremely stressful day with the kids today, even though Mama T took them out with Goober for a couple hours. They kept getting into stuff, yelling off the balcony, playing with the barbecue. Then they got home from the park, and immediately, they all rang off with, “Mommy, can we do this? Mommy, is it time for me to do this?”, and it was just like, “No, you can not put make up on, no you can’t play games, no you can’t go outside!”

I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again today. Keirnan ended up throwing a huge tantrum today. He wasn’t listening at all, and got sent down to his room. Instead of going down to his room, he sat at the top of the staircase. Well, Kenzie decided he was staircase monitor or something, because then we had him repeating over and over, “Keirnan’s still upstairs!”

I got up and carried him down to his room, where he began a huge tantrum of banging the walls, and screaming and crying. When I went in, he was shaking and had to catch his breath from all the freaking out. And unfortunately, it didn’t change his listening skills at all…

Alfie was here almost all day today, even though that wasn’t part of the plan for today at all. He played games almost all day, and by the time he left I could’ve killed him. I’m sick of having to ask him to do fatherly things, like helping with the discipline or checking on the kids outside. And I started thinking, at the height of my annoyance with him, “How did I ever get with him? What did I ever see in him?”, and I was all like, “He was different back then…”

But then I thought about it more, and no he absolutely wasn’t. I remember when I used to babysit my sister, Pikachu’s oldest kid, and Alfie and I were first dating. I went for a bath one night, and asked Alfie to keep an eye on the kid. Well, he was playing a game, and the kid ended up hitting his head and Alfie didn’t even notice or care. The second he gets into a game, he’s just so into it, that nothing else around him matters.

Then, I was on Facebook, and decided to check out The Boyfriend’s profile page, which almost never happens. I try very hard to avoid his Facebook, because it would probably spark a huge amount of jealousy or something, because he has so many girls on his Facebook. When Alfie and I were together, if they weren’t family, they didn’t get added. You can imagine how many girls were added once we broke up…

The last little while, I’ve been fighting that jealous suspicious girlfriend I don’t want to be monster really hard. A couple weeks back, The Boyfriend was talking to his ex on the computer, and it seemed like as soon as I started looking at the computer, he stopped talking. And while the whole talking to ex girlfriend thing hardly bothers me, the thought that he might be talking about our relationship to an ex girlfriend does.

No matter how I look at it, I come off as the thing that keeps ruining everyone’s life. I mean, with Alfie, I stole his childhood by getting pregnant so young, I stole his potential, forced him into something he really didn’t want, and was seriously a psychotic bitch. With The Boyfriend, I did him wrong in the very beginning of our relationship, I force Alfie on him constantly, I stole his young adulthood getting pregnant, when that wasn’t part of his plan at all. I’ve taken him from being a single guy, to a father of four in less than two years!!!

And now we have the crazy psychotic bitch of girlfriend thing creeping back up on us, from crazy mood swings to this new found jealousy or worry or something. So of course, the urge hits today to snoop. Pathetically so, because it’s never occurred to me to pay attention to his passwords or anything. I just went through his Facebook Wall Posts. And it made me incredibly sad.

Right afterwards, I literally wrote a status message saying that I missed the herb and garlic days. He used to be cheesy and all lovey dovey. He’d say these really sweet things like, “I wish I could fit Val into my pocket so I could take her to work with me.”, and he would write that publicly for everyone to see. Now the only thing he ever writes, is negative crap.

I’m not saying that he’s not still lovey dovey, but he’s not herb and garlic cheesy. He normally needs a prompt to say something sweet like, “Tell me something interesting…” And even when he does say something sweet, I hardly ever believe him.

It was so adorable today, he had Carter laughing the hardest I’ve ever heard him laugh. He was just punching his hand, and Carter was laughing hysterically. It was seriously the cutest thing ever, I totally wish I would’ve had a video camera.

The street is incredibly busy tonight. I hope it simmers down by the time that I want to go to bed, which I’m hoping isn’t too long from now.

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Grumpy Face

Well I finally got more pictures up. It only took me forever! So I decided since I haven’t done it yet, I’m gonna add links to all my photo albums on Facebook (since it’s the only way for sure that you’ll get to see a bunch of pictures. I’d like to add them on here, but it takes too long!). I’ll probably also make a sidebar widget with the links, but not right now. So enjoy the pictures 😉

Pictures Pictures Everywhere

2010

Growing Up

New Set

Carter and Cupcakes

Carter Drayke

First Day of School

We Go Out

Paddle Boating

More Pictures

The Kids in Summer

Beach Day and Exercise

Big Family Outing

Fun at the Fountain


Picnic at the Ponds

Westerner Parade 2009

Westerner Parade 2009, Pt. 2

Recent Pictures

Transformers 2 – 2009

Day of Camping – Landscapes

Day of Camping

Happy Birthday Patty

My Little Photographers

My Little Photographers, Pt. 2

Newer Pictures of the Kids

Us

Christmas 2008

New Years 2009

The Three Terrors

    So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

    After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

    I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

    I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

    So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

    I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

    Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

    As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

    The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

    This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

    He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

    I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

    I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

    So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

    Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….

    Do you ever have those days where you hate your extended family? I have days where I hate my family, and I have days when I hate Alfie’s family. Today, just happens to be one of those days.

    This was all of the cause of the ending of the old Rantings. I wrote what I felt at the moment, Alfie’s family took it the wrong way, and a fight started which ultimately led to the end of the Rantings. And here we are today, where I want to rant about some things, and I feel like all of these people would come down on me like a ton of bricks… Oh well….

    About a year ago, the English and American posted some rather nasty comments on a bunch of my status’ on Facebook. I hadn’t personally dealt with them in a few months, because I was dating The Boyfriend. So when they wanted to see the kids, Alfie would watch the kids at my house and they would come see the kids while he was here and I was gone.

    Well first came the nasty comments, I went and privately messaged them asking what was going on, they posted back to a comment about how messy my house was and basically that they thought Kaeidyn wasn’t as smart as she could’ve been, “She doesn’t even know her colors!”. I’ve never been naive, I know for the rest of my life, everyone, especially in-laws, will question my parenting. That’s the joys of becoming a parent. I just hated that it had to be in such a public forum.

    So then when a bunch of my friends and my sister defended me on Facebook, American went and sent them all private messages, explaining in detail just how horrible of a parent she considered me to be. And how much she wanted to call child welfare on me, and would suggest to them to do it. My friends and my sister (being my friends and my sister) all sent me the messages, wondering what the heck was going on. I simply cut contact, I wasn’t about to play the stupid game. I know in my heart that I’m doing what I need to be doing to keep my kids safe, healthy and in the best possible condition that I am capable of. I’m also pretty darn sure that I’d be aware of it if I wasn’t being good enough. But anywho…

    We went a really really really long time without talking at all. They didn’t see the kids, there seemed to be no problems. I was all in that “Phew” state. And then it all came crashing down…

    English’s daughter was coming to town (from England), and had never met any of the kids. It was my desire for my kids to meet their Dad’s sister, and it was Alfie’s desire too. I tried to put down the rule that as long as the people who called my kid stupid and bashed me publicly on Facebook weren’t involved. I was informed this was impossible. When Alfie freaked out, I went and said that if American and English could just apologize, it’d probably all be different. So Alfie was all like “No, it wouldn’t”, and my determination to always be right with Alfie completely screwed me over. I was dumb and went and said “Yes, it would!”. He goes and tells American and English this.

    So then American (who wasn’t even the one who started the nasty comments), calls me up out of the blue looking to apologize. She wasn’t the one I was mad at, plus she really gave me no choice. Before she was even done the apology, she was already talking to the kids about coming to their house to meet their Auntie English. The kids were so excited about getting to meet someone from England, and too young to understand anything about disrespect, that I just gave in.

    About three months ago, this all went down. English has still refused to have any contact with me at all, and last I heard thinks I’m this fat, loser, w with a h and an ore, so I’ve made no effort to talk to him. American now thinks we’re all buddy buddy and comes over often. I smile for the kids, because I don’t want to deprive them of any relationship with people that could potentially give them something great. I can’t let my own problems with people, interfere with my kids relationships (unless those relationships should harm them, and so far, I have no proof that American and English would harm my kids. Just their mother…).

    Well today, American came over for one of her visits. Out of nowhere, she asks about my Dad. I haven’t really talked to my Dad for quite a long time. A bit of a sore subject for me. My Dad and I had a bit of a falling out, quite a long time ago, that I didn’t even find out about until almost 6 months later. I just thought maybe he couldn’t call me or something.

    Then all of a sudden, I found out that it was because my Dad had heard about me going to a munch (a lunch get-together for kinky people – it was my very first, I haven’t been again since. Really want to, but 4 kids makes it incredibly hard), and was disgusted, so decided he wasn’t going to talk to me. I personally think it’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, my Dad knew years ago that I was into the kinky stuff, and often joked with me about. And then just one day, it disgusts him. I guess maybe because I was in public. Whatever… I’ve basically come to this decision about life that if people don’t like the way I live my life or the way that I am, than they’re not people I want as part of my life or part of who I am. So, whatever…

    Turns out, all my enemies are like best friends. My step-mother, a truly evil woman who has damaged a handful of people, and American, who publicly bashed her step-grandchildren and their mother, talk on the phone all the time. American knew why my Dad and I haven’t been talking. She’s all up in my family’s business, and it ticks me off. It ticks me off even more that my evil step-mother (who hasn’t been welcome in my house for almost two years, and has nothing to do with me or my kids, ever. And I plan on keeping it that way for the rest of my life – because I’ve had proof that I need to protect my children from that harm), has an enemy eye into my household and the way it’s run… Argh…

    This is the problem with my blogging. I never re-read what I write until way after I’ve published it. It defeats the purpose of my blogging. And I’ve officially RANTED hard about a subject, and now I’m gonna spend the rest of the night nervous about any of the people mentioned, freaking out about being mentioned in a blog. Even though out of all the people who probably come to my blog, the only people who would know who any of these people are, are probably the people themselves. I didn’t use anybody’s name though, so to any of those people who are mad about being mentioned in a blog, please don’t be. And to those who are mad, read This…

    I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t been outside since our monthly Mama T & McDonald’s trip. The weather was absolutely beautiful today, and the boys were very hyper. So Alfie, Kenzie, Keirnan, Carter and I, all walked to go pick Kaeidyn up from school.

    The walk there was awesome. Carter sat quietly in his Snugli. The boys had fun slipping around on the ice, but were keeping up really well. Walking home was another story entirely. Kaeidyn normally gets to play in the snow, but today it felt like they were all be so annoying with it. And I was sure someone was gonna get hurt. But we made it home, all of us fine and still alive.

    After lunch, finally, I decided that it was going to be a nap day. I’ve been pissy at The Boyfriend, and stressing over kid stuff, and napping normally helps that. This wasn’t one of those naps. I woke up from the nap more mad than I was when I went for it. I didn’t even let anyone know I was actually out of bed, and instead made a dash for the bathtub where I filled the bath with hot, hot water!

    My favourite thing(s) about taking a bath are:

    1. I don’t have to stand up
    2. I can lock the door
    3. I get to read without being bothered
    4. It’s quiet in the bathroom

    So I spent the next 45 minutes, in a ridiculously hot bath, reading “I Am My Mother’s Daughter” by Iris Krasnow. This book doesn’t really apply to me, being that it’s meant for aging daughters and their aging mothers. We’re talking 40-year-old women with 80-year-old Mom’s. I don’t have an 80-year-old Mom.

    I also didn’t pick this book. It was brought over by my aunt in a huge stack of books (mostly romance novels). Now I’m not a huge fan of romance books, I mean it’s not that it’s not a good read, I just can’t get into the story. Romance doesn’t make much sense to me. Sexuality and intimacy do, that’s why I can love reading erotica. Romance on the other hand, not so much. So since I don’t like the romance novels, and I’ve read every other book I own that isn’t a romance novel, I figured I’d give this one a shot.

    I was suprised at how much I liked “I Am My Mother’s Daughter”. Mama T and I have a pretty tumultuous relationship. I don’t remember a time in my life when my Mom and I weren’t having an arguement of some kind. To one up it, we both are pretty bad for holding grudges. I mean we forgive, but forget it… Are you kidding me?!?! I’ve never in my life even considered “writing her off”, even though I’ve been given handfuls of reasons.

    I’ve always thought that out of all three of us kids, my Mom was always the hardest on me. Always had the most expectations of me. Always attacked me. But my sister always acts as if she’s had it the hardest and like Mom is more intense towards her. She’s been close to writing my Mom off many times, and on more than one occasion has gone months without talking to my Mom. I get nervous if my Mom doesn’t call me every other day.

    “I Am My Mother’s Daughter” isn’t really useful to me, because I’ve already gotten to the point where I know there’s some things I can’t control (thank you 28 days with Sandra Bullock for teaching me that ;)), and there’s just nothing I can do about it. My Mom is my Mom and she’s not perfect, she makes mistakes, and she screws everything up sometimes. I could spend the rest of my life angry at her, and resenting her for the way she did or did not raise me, but what would I get from it?

    It’s easier to accept that my mother is who she is, just as I am who I am, and that’s the best I can expect from her. I think that my sister would benefit greatly from reading this book. Then again, I think sometimes my sister is so stuck in her own little world that it wouldn’t even touch her. She’d just be reading the words. It’s really my sisters prerogative to be mad at my Mom at anytime in her life, so if she wants to be, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

    The book is mostly about Mom’s who are close to the end of their lives and daughters who wish they would’ve forgiven or forgotten so that they could have closure with their Mom’s before they died. I would hate to feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being there for my Mom when she passed. I couldn’t imagine what my sister would feel, as she pushes all her emotions way down to the bottom of herself until something sets her off and then she explodes, like an emotion-filled volcano. Reading this book makes me think a lot about my sister and my Mom and my kids. I hope none of them ever really hate me!

    The Boyfriend and I finally talked a little bit about some of the problems we’ve been having this last week or so. It’s all nothing major at all, but it’s stuff that’s been bugging us. For me, it’s been the sleeping. I know he works a graveyard job, and I’m fine with that. I just wish I could see him awake some days. I wish I could rely on him for help more. It sucks too, I feel so bad complaining about it all, mostly because I know it’s something he would love to give me, but this job makes it hard. I don’t want quitting the job to be an option. He worked this job for 2 years before meeting me without any thoughts of quitting, and I don’t want to be the reason he quits a perfectly good job that he loves.

    We didn’t talk about all the issues, because there just isn’t enough time and frankly, I don’t have the desire. One or two issues a day is all I care to deal with right now. I keep questioning whether or not I have a right to bitch about the things that I want to, and while I know I have the right to do anything I want to do (without breaking the law…), it doesn’t mean that I want to go through a slew of emotions. I used to be like that, every time I had a problem with something, I would go through all the crap. And I’d end up bringing up stuff that had happened months ago way too often. I don’t want it to be like that.

    It’s not like The Boyfriend and I really have alot of issues either. My issue is he sleeps too much, his issue is Alfie. That’s really it. The only thing that sucks about all that, is we’ve had the same issues for almost the entire time that we’ve been together. And while things have changed, it almost feels like nothing has changed at all.

    Well at least I got some fresh air, a nap and a bath today 😉

    Well it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s The Boyfriend’s second night off work. The one he normally stays awake for. Almost every weekend for the last 2 or 3 months, has been comprised of him playing video games and me “playing” on the computer. Tonight, I didn’t much feel like being on the computer, so I hogged the TV all night.

    It was nice though, because it forced us to spend time near each other. Which isn’t happening nearly enough. Today was one of those days though, when I felt like all the strings that hold our relationship together, were being strained by the weight of alot of different things. Things I can’t even define…

    The kids have been awesome and annoying all at the same time all day today. They all helped a little bit with cleaning, Kaeidyn’s being extremely bossy and thinks that it’s her place to put her two cents in everywhere. Kenzie or Keirnan will be getting told something by us parents, and then the peanut gallery will chime in with, “Yeah, I told you not to do that” or “That’s why you shouldn’t do that”.

    Kenzie has been doing better with the game thing these last two days. After the day of being grounded, the next day he had almost no interest in games whatsoever. Played for about an hour, and then we put a movie on and he was fine with that. Today he played for a little bit with Alfie, but after he got frustrated, he just turned the game off and wanted to watch TV.

    Keirnan right now is being so difficult. He’s at that age, when he wants to do all these grown up things, that he’s not able to do. Like the dishes, he wants so badly to be allowed to do the dishes without someone standing there, or taking away everything but the plastic cups and spoons!! He wants to make dinner but doesn’t completely understand the concept of,”It’s really HOT”.

    Even worse than that though, is that my Monkey is just starting to learn to talk. He points at things, and makes this whiny grunting noise. Some words, he’s figured out enough that he can use them all the time (though unless you really pay attention, it’s hard to tell which word is which). I also think he’s really selective about who he’ll talk to and under what circumstances. Because he seems to know more words when he’s talking to Kaeidyn or Kenzie than when he’s talking to us adults. I think it’s mostly just laziness, because Kaeidyn and Kenzie will talk for him.

    Carter’s biggest thing over the last couple of days, has been this wicked amount of drooling that seems to be happening. He is soaking everything with his constant drool. I hope he’s not already teething. What’s breastfeeding like when a kid starts teething? My sister, Pikachu, breastfed her youngest through the whole teething thing, and everyday she’d bitch about her daughter biting her. I’m not looking forward to that…

    Ba deep ba deep ba deep, that’s all folks and there’s your quickie. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did 😉