Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉

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Listen to Brand New

Listen to Brand New

Play “Brand New”

I was screwing around with Audacity and Fruity Loops 9 tonight, and came up with this little ditty. It’s just a sample, but I hope you enjoy it anyways.

Let me know what you think by dropping me a comment, or e-mail me at UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com. Enjoy!

Lyrics to Brand New by Valerie Rayne:

I woke up this morning
It was snowing
And I felt alive
I looked  the window
It was glowing
And everything just felt alright

So I, woke up this morning
And it felt good
Not something I’m used to
So I woke up this morning
To the snowy sunlight
And I felt brand new

Ba da ba da da, I woke up this morning
Ba da ba da da, It was snowing
Ba da ba da da, I looked out my window
Ba da ba da da, It was glowing

And I felt brand new

So I’ve finally accomplished some things today. First thing this morning, I started working on The Other Rantings of a Tortured Mind (be warned – there is content of a mature nature on this site and should only be viewed by those over the age of 18). Then I went and dropped my paperwork off downtown and went grocery shopping (thank you Aunty ;)).

Shopping was pretty uneventful for the most part. They didn’t have alot of the things that I went for, so it ended up being a $170 grocery shop, as opposed to the original $500 I had set out for. Ran into Alfie’s parents, first time in a year and a half that I had contact with English. They were very nice and gave me a ride home from shopping.

Alfie came over shortly after I got home. He had fixed Kenzie’s Lego Star Wars game, so Kenzie was right into that. After a very delicious lunch, and putting all the groceries away, I asked Alfie if he’d watch the kids while I took a nap. So I got about an hour and a half nap, which helped so much. I felt so exhausted before, and woke up in a pretty decent mood.

I made some dinner, and I’ve been working on blog stuff ever since. Over the next month or so, you’ll see massive changes around this Rantings and you’ll also start seeing updates on The Other Rantings. It’s being a really creative month.

We were going to these last couple days off that The Boyfriend had, but instead we’re going to do it on the next, go over to my Mom’s house. Since my guitar is broken, I’m going to use her boyfriend’s guitar and I’m going to lay down some tracks and hopefully have some of my songs up on the blog by the end of the month. I’ve been craving some play time and would love to share my stuff with everyone.

You can find some of my stuff online already, but I’d like to put all of it up and present a real quality product out of it. Most of the recordings I do have online were experimentations or goofing around, so it’s not of the best quality. And I’m a bit of a perfectionist 😉

So Kaeidyn’s been practicing her rhyming like crazy. Her teacher hopes to have all the kids rhyming by the end of the year, though she says it’s not part of normal kindergarten curriculum. I personally love it. We’ve been reading her Dr. Seuss books almost every night, and at first she didn’t understand the concept of rhyming. She thought it meant putting things that go together. You’d say “Pig” and she’d say “Farm”, you’d say “Cat” and she’d say “Food”. Now she’s starting to do “Cup” and “Pup”, or “Cat” and “Mat”. I’m pretty proud of her for picking it up so fast.

She’s also started some games based on her speech therapy. She’s working right now on saying her “s” sounds and “sh” sounds. Prior to kindergarten, I never noticed she had any problems with either of those sounds. Once it was pointed out to me, it all became very noticeable. They’ve been working really hard with her in school, and we’ve been practicing all the time at home.

At first she was getting so annoyed sitting with Alfie or I, and saying “SHirt”, “SHape”, “SNake”, “SNare”, over and over and over again. Awhile back, The Boyfriend and I had bought a “Guess What I Am” game. The game comes with a checklist that has check boxes and little pictures. So now, she sits there with her checklist and she makes us repeat after her. When she gets it right, we say it after her. When she gets it wrong, we make her say it again. She goes “Is it shirts or shirts?”, saying it wrong the first time and saying it right the second time. Sometimes she’ll say it wrong both times and that’s when the correction comes in. It’s been working, she’s practicing every day, and she’s improving.

So that’s the Rantings of today then…

So I have nothing seriously of interest to blog about today. It was a day, just like every other day. Nothing epic happened, kids did pretty much the same thing they do everyday. But, I did listen to some pretty epic music today. I’ve gone on a bit of a spree and have been downloading and listening to music like crazy. I’m broadening my horizons once again.

I was reminded of a song that moves me. Not so much the song itself, but the lyrics are incredible. I wrote essays about the song in high school, and I had forgotten about it for a really long time. Re-discovered it today, listened to it and fell in love all over again. So today, I thought I’d share the lyrics with you… *Smile*

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would’ve done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s  clouds illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus clowns
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s a Tuesday, so that means it’s The Boyfriend’s first day off. Every single week, since almost the start of our relationship, I’ve told him to sleep on his first day in the morning, so that at night we can be awake together and having a good time after the kids have gone to bed. And every week, almost since the start of our relationship, he says he can handle staying awake all day, “I’ll just drink alot of coffee”, or today, it was “I bought myself a pack of energy drinks and munchies. If I get tired, I’ll just down an energy drink!” He gives me these lines every single week, and every single time I tell him he’ll be asleep by the time the kids are in bed.

Do I know my man, or do I know my man? I can’t even be truly mad at him. It’s this rule that I’ve created for myself. When I was with Alfie, I was constantly whining that because of “this and this” job, I wasn’t getting to see him enough and I missed him. That was a huge mistake. Of course, Alfie took that as, “Miss work today, and then start hating your job and quit it a week later”!

So when I got with The Boyfriend, and he had been working the same job for almost 2 years, and he absolutely loved it, I vowed that no matter how much I hated the time his job took him away from me, it was better to only let him know in small doses and not to the point where he felt guilty for “ditching” me.

I’m reminded almost everyday by Alfie, how much more of a b-with-an-itch I was to him than I am to The Boyfriend. With Alfie, I lived alot in the past. With The Boyfriend, I avoid it. With Alfie, I always had specific instructions for mundane tasks, such as, “Fill up my drink, but can you clean out my glass first?”, even if it was a glass that had only had one drink out of it, but because the kids had finished it off, I just wanted to be sure there was no food there. The Boyfriend on the other hand, has given me glasses of pop that had floaties in it and I just picked them all out.

I do alot of things as differently as I possibly can in The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, than I did with Alfie and I’s relationship. And I’ve grinned through alot of things that, in the past, I would’ve thrown a mini temper tantrum over. I’ve been conducting life in this way for almost a year and a half, and even though you’d think it would piss me off to no end, instead it has somehow made me happier. In a way.

Today’s one of those days when it’s really hard to just grin and bear it. Instead I feel like screaming, “Like seriously, just once could you go to sleep during the day when I’m on the computer all day, and then wake up at night and spend some time with me!!!” And then tomorrow, he’ll sleep in in the morning, and he’ll be up all night and I’ll be exhausted in the worst kind of way and want to go to bed right after the kids do. It’s our perpetual weekly cycle. Have I told you lately that I hate The Boyfriend’s job?!?!?

So tonight was the premiere of American Idol (Season 9!!!). I normally only watch the audition episodes and the Top 3 down to the Finale. You know what I hate about American Idol season, alot of my family watch the show and every year I get the “You should try out for Canadian Idol” thing, so then I seriously think about doing it and every year chicken out. I blame it all on the talent show fiasco. Anywho…

It’s hard to believe that American Idol is still entertaining. I mean I hate alot of things about the show now in comparison to the older shows. I was a Paula Abdul fan (and have been since I heard “Cold Hearted Snake” in my youth), it was still funny to hear Randy call everyone “Dawg” and on almost every occasion, I was right on board with Simon’s quick and witty opinions. Definetely not the same degree of meanness, I have more of a peaceful and calm type opinion.

But more than once tonight, while being angry that The Boyfriend was passing out on the couch (and then waking up randomly every few minutes to apologize – there’s nothing worse than that!), I was caught snickering as the judges squashed contestants dreams as if the dream was a pesky little roach.

A good lesson that we’ve all been being told for years, but that American Idol really makes apparent, is that first impressions are key. Especially in a 35 second audition!!! You want to be memorable, but not THAT memorable.

SO… can you believe I’ve been blogging for almost 2 weeks straight?!?!? Only 2 more to go! And then another 11 months after that to complete my ultimate blogging goal. Though I was saddened on Sunday night, and not a single person signed up for the Mailing List and so I had no one to send a newsletter to. Luckily, for me and everyone else, you can SUBSCRIBE to the Mailing List at anytime, and you’ll receive your update the next Sunday.

I’ve been working really hard this week on goal setting. I’ve barely worked at all on the actual goals, but I’ve been writing everything down, working out the first steps. Alot of my goals can’t have steps following through to completion because alot of the goals really depend on a variety of different factors that may or may not change over the course of the next year or so. After I’m done getting them all organized, they will be viewable on the blog. Like I’ve been saying almost all week, I am working really hard getting the blog stuff done.

Another thought that I had, I need a job. We all know I’ve been talking about creating all these routines in our family. For example, I want to be doing two loads of dishes and laundry a day, or I want a set bedtime and wake up time everyday, I want to workout at the same time everyday, all these things need a sort of routine. I don’t have any type of routine and I haven’t had any type of routine in many years. I’m kind of like a fish out of water when it comes to routines.

I was watching a commercial today, about this woman rushing around taking care of her kids, going to work, doing the grocery shopping, being an all around super woman. I would love to feel that sense of urgency, or even have a reason to get up and go outside more than once a month.

I’d like for there to be more of a reason than “Because I want to”, for me to create a routine and stick to it. “Because I want to” isn’t very strong motivation. And I can’t say that I NEED a routine, because in reality, my life is just fine the way that it is right now. I just think I could make it better. But it’s not a necessity, it’s a desire.

I’m very motivated to do things that are necessary. That if I don’t do, could negatively affect me and my kids and the people I love most. I’m not as motivated to do things that are desires or dreams. I’m not as motivated to do the things that I’m the only one that dreams or desires them either. Oh well, I need to be patient about going back to work. It’s still way too early. Next year, we’ll start looking into school again…

Well I think I’m off to sleep. How do you stay motivated to complete your goals, even without support from a group of people?

Well people, sadly, I have officially given up on the 31 Days to  Build a Better Blog challenge. Upon receiving my 13th day task, I have come to the ultimate decision that 31DBBB is more for people who have a blog already established.

For instance, yesterday’s task was to focus on my current readers by e-mailing at least one. Well there’s a dilemma there right now. I’ve only received spam comments (if they weren’t spam comments, I’m sorry for deleting them. Askimet put them in my spam folder and I am automatically suspicious of everything that goes into a spam folder), I’ve had no subscriptions to the newsletter (sign up by clicking the button to the right). While I know that The Boyfriend and Mama T (my Mom) are reading this, I don’t need to reach out to them by e-mail, when I talk to them both in person almost every single day.

I’m not giving up completely on the 31DBBB challenge either. I’m just giving up on it until I have some readers and it looks like this blog is going somewhere other than just for my own fun. Until then I’ll just keep doing the NaBloPoMo thing (which I’m finding incredibly easy, especially now that I’ve gotten rid of the other challenge – I suppose, the real challenge).

So I had an “I feel like such a bad Mom” moment this morning. Today was Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day at school. On her Sparkle Day, she gets to take in a toy or something else that she feels like showing off, basically show and tell. She gets to pick one boy and one girl to ask a question about what she brought in. Then either we, the parents, or the teacher (if the parent’s don’t go) read Kaeidyn’s Love Note to the class. We, the parents, wrote the Love Note which has reasons why we all treasure Kaeidyn as part of her family. Another plus to Sparkle Day is she gets to be the special class helper, which she loves because she gets to spend extra time standing next to the teacher.

This morning, I wasn’t even thinking about checking the school calendar, and I hadn’t had a chance to hang up the calendar that I just printed off last night, so I forgot completely about Sparkle Day. She went to school without anything to show and tell about, and it only really super sucked because she’s got tons of new things from Christmas that I’m sure she would’ve loved to show off. I didn’t realize until it was already too late. Needless to say, she got home and the first thing she said to me was “Mom, you forgot my Sparkle Day. Next time, can you not forget my Sparkle Day!”, I felt so bad 😦 Luckily, she’s a very forgiving child.

So then we had planned a McDonald’s day with Mama T. About once a month, we try to take all the kids to the McDonald’s Play Place, and let them go nutty. Today was even more difficult than usual, as we had The Boyfriend and Carter with us, so we had to do two trips to get to McDonald’s and two trips to get home.

The best part about the day, for me anyways, was when I asked Mama T if The Boyfriend and I could take the car and grab some stuff from Wal-Mart. Even though we had to take Carter, I felt like it was the most relaxing moment I’ve had in a long time. It was probably only because I was outside of the house and I feel like it’s been an incredibly long time since that last happened.

Tonight, I have to cut the kids hair. I hate it!! I really do suck at cutting the kids hair. I’ve butchered the kids hair, especially Kaeidyn’s so many times, it’s ridiculous. If it wasn’t for the fact that Kaeidyn is in school, and cares about her appearance, I’d just keep butchering it. So I cheat, I don’t actually cut anything more than their bangs. I hate that too though, because Kaeidyn’s hair is all different lengths (and not in the good way), Kenzie’s left side is longer than his right. I was planning on taking them to a professional, but their bangs can’t wait until I can set it all up. I bought new hair cutting sciscors today, so hopefully it’ll go alright enough.

Then I got these little tiny elastics (that will be perfect for Kaeidyn’s fine hair), so after hair cuts (and baths, unfortunately), I’ll be putting little braids all throughout Kaeidyn’s hair. I can’t wait to see what she looks like with a full head of crimpy/wavy hair. One day, I’m gonna do my whole head in braids.

Me and Two Kids

So, Mama T’s been reading my blog, and for the first time (probably since the day of my birth), I truly thought my Mom had some rather intelligent advice. And can you believe that it was advice about my blog?!?!? Her advice (not in these exact words) is that I had to give more praise for the Mom’s all around the world that do this same job as me, and those that struggle just as much, if not more than I do.

My Mom, for the better majority of my life, raised me all by herself and she seemed to do a much better job (in alot of areas) than I do most of the time. My Mom was/has been very instrumental in raising  my kids, being there for me through some of the roughest parts in my parenting journey thus far. She suggested, in her advice about my blog, to do a post much like what I’m going to do in a few minutes. I would save it for Mothers’ Day or something, but I have it on my mind right now. Sometimes, my Mom forgets how much I appreciate her, because sometimes, not only do I forget to tell her and show her, but she has two other kids who often forget too.

My Mom taught me ALOT of things throughout my life. All the parts of my parenting that I think are really good, are mostly thanks to my Mom’s nagging. She’s always had high expectations for me, but can you blame her? I clearly have a great amount of potential 😉 So here goes… This one’s for you Mom, Cheers!

Things My Mother Did or Said That Changed My Life… FOREVER!

  1. She gave birth to me!
    Without this, I would’ve never been born 😉 And then you wouldn’t be able to read these particular Rantings.
  2. Divorced my Dad
    No offense to either of my parents, but honestly, this was one of those divorces that made me more happy than sad. The only part I hated about my parents divorce, truly hated, was when my Mom first started dating other people.

    I’m sure Tiny (yes that was his name, Tiny. And he was one of the tallest, bulky men I’ve ever seen. Not really Tiny, but I guess it was cool or something…) was a really nice guy. He tried really hard with us kids, buying me a Toronto sweater when he went there and getting a friend of his to paint a jean jacket with a horse for me. But I didn’t want my Mom to date…

  3. Bought me Jasmine
    In 1995, we lived here in Red Deer, and my parents were seperated. Mom and Dad (at that time, better known as Santa) bought me this beautiful doll. I’ve been obsessed with dolls since I was young, but Jasmine was completely different.

    Her hair was dark, short and super curly. Her lips bright as cherries. Her eyelashes were long, and her eyes closed when she laid down. She was probably about two feet tall. This doll, undoubtably changed my life forever.

    She was ruined almost immediately after I got her. She was one of those dolls you could take for a bath and then leave in the bath and she would drain out. So I took her for a bath. I let her curly hair dry, and didn’t even think about what would happen when I tried to brush it. The next day, her hair was knotted, so we took a dog brush to it. Almost all her hair came out. Then I painted her nails (and did a bad job, I might add), and then I pierced her ears, her eyelashes started falling out.

    At that time in my life, I diagnosed all my dolls with diseases and often saved them from traumatic, life-threatening health issues. I gave Charisma, one of my smaller dolls, a brain transplant after she got a brain tumor. Jasmine, unfortunately, had contracted the worst disease of all.

    Lacrosse (yes, that’s how I spelt it. It was pronounced La-Chrose. I didn’t realize and neither did anyone else, until about 2 years after the diagnoses that my word was actually the word for the sport), was ultimately what ended Jasmine, and I tell myself this 14 years later. Just so everyone knows, I still have Jasmine, in a storage box in Swan Hills. Lacrosse was a devastating disease, causing her to stop breathing upbruptly, “causing” the loss of her hair and eyelashes, and eventually “causing” the loss of her arm. After she lost her arm, she started looking a bit like Chucky, and was more scary than cute, and so the closet became her new home.

    Jasmine and I were best of friends. I would spend every cent I made on her, often taking her on trips to Value Village and buying her a brand new outfit or bathing suit or earrings. She was my number one doll and she changed my life. Thanks to her and her made up disease, she taught me compassion and unconditional love.

  4. Held me and told me it was okay
    This one seems obvious right? Some of the biggest memories I have of my Mom were just of her holding me and telling me it was alright. Again, here in Red Deer, 1995. I was in Grade 2, at the school my daughter now attends, and I had entered the school talent show upon the insistence of my teacher.

    I get up on stage, after weeks of hardcore practice. Mama T loves telling this story. I practiced everywhere, in my sleep, on the toilet, everywhere! So the first microphone, doesn’t work. The second, not turned on. Finally the third works. All the time I had practiced, I had practiced with a tape recording. On stage, I had a live piano accompaniment… That I didn’t recognize.

    I completely butchered Somewhere Over the Rainbow. After singing, and having my skin turn the same color as the many bright floral patterns on my dress, I quickly walked off stage, into my Mom’s arms where I cried for the rest of the talent show. She just kept holding me and telling me it was alright.

    Or when I was probably 11 or so, and we lived in Salmon Arm. Every year, the school we attended had this huge barbecue. One of the things that all the kids loved was getting to dunk the principal. If you didn’t dunk him after throwing the ball three times, you got to run up and use your hands to push the button which would release his chair and everyone would laugh hysterically as he fell.

    My turn came up, and I missed with the ball every time. I’m double jointed and my elbows don’t bend the right way. Don’t ask me exactly how, because I can’t explain it. One day, I’ll take a picture and put it up. To this day, I still can’t do push ups properly because of it. Plus I’ve always had incredibly weak arms. So I run up to go push the button so that I can make the crowd laugh hysterically as the principal splashes about in the cold water of the tank. Instead, my arms give as I push with all my strength and the big wooden button comes smashing back in my face.

    I walked with a huge grin all the way back to my Mom, who opened her arms, as I quickened my pace and fell into them. She held me and told me it would be okay, as the pain slowly subsided from my already swelling nose. Suprisingly I didn’t break my nose at all.

  5. Moved to Red Deer
    I never wanted to come here. I never wanted to leave BC. I was born in BC and I lived all the best years of my life in BC. But Alberta had all the jobs, and Mama T needs a job. Without a job, my Mom feels useless. So we moved to Red Deer…

    Moving to Red Deer completely changed everything about my life. First, I met Alfie. Then I landed in a mental institution. Then I had Kaeidyn and went through the post partum depression. Then I landed in another mental institution and then I had Kenzie. I had Keirnan and next came the break up with Alfie. After that came The Boyfriend and Carter. Thankfully my Mom’s been here every step of the way, or I don’t think I would’ve survived Red Deer!!

  6. Held my hand during labour
    With Kaeidyn, my Mom was with me until I got wheeled down for my c-section. With Kenzie and Keirnan both, she was the only one there and held my hand and let me almost break her fingers. She was the first person (other than the doctor) that got to hold both Kenzie and Keirnan and the second with Kaeidyn. My Mom was the best support person during labour ever though. Especially when I was begging for drugs or another c-section. She seemed to know just what to say to piss me off enough to push that baby out of me!!!
  7. Forced me to sing
    It wasn’t forcing in a mean way. It was Mama T’s personal brand of encouragement. She’d keep me up late, just so she could hear me play one of my songs, just one more time. After I started playing guitar and singing at the same time, she’d make me play for all her friends.

    I used to hate it with a passion. Especially being that I don’t appreciate my talents very much. I always think I could do better. My Mom, on the other hand, always appreciated my talent, and she always knew other people would too. After a few years of having her “force” me to play for her friends or our family, I’m finally comfortable enough to record my own stuff and let other people hear it, or in some cases play in front of other people. I got up the courage this summer to play outside alot, not to anyone, but outside where others could hear. That’s pretty exciting for me.

    If Mama T hadn’t encouraged me so much, I probably would’ve given up on the music thing after the talent show fiasco…

  8. Mama T told me that I am the only voice for my children
    This was the most empowering things my Mom ever said to me. Alfie and I had broken up when I was pregnant with Kenzie. It was a very tumultuous time, and Alfie had been threatening to take the kids away. Then he wanted me to let him have visitational rights. So I told him he could, but it would have to be supervised. He didn’t like that idea at all. I often thought about going back on it, even though I didn’t think it was what was best for Kaeidyn.

    Mama T made it very clear to me, that at 1 1/2, Kaeidyn didn’t have the ability to say for herself that it wasn’t what she wanted. Kaeidyn didn’t know what was best for her and what wasn’t. It was my responsibility to be her voice and to protect her at all costs.  That was the biggest, most important parenting advice I ever received. You are 100% accountable for your kids, especially when they’re under the age of understanding!

There’s alot more that I could write here, because my Mom’s been the biggest influence in my life. It’s either a good thing or a bad thing. I’ll go with the former, because I think I’m a pretty good person overall. So what’s the point, what did she teach me?

  1. Tell your kids you love them everyday
  2. Hold your kids and never let them go
  3. Protect the ones you love
  4. Never give up on your dreams
  5. Be the voice for your young children
  6. Treat others with kindness and respect
  7. Be compassionate
  8. Work harder, because you have the potential to do better
  9. Look at a story from every angle so you can make your own decision on what’s the truth and what’s not
  10. My kids are my priority and my responsibility – an obvious one, but one that I’ve needed pointed out to me on more than one occasion (sadly…)

So there you have it, The Ten Teachings of Mama T. You better recognize! Love ya Mom, thanks for being my number one fan. Happy Not Mothers Day to all you other Mom’s out there.

What did your Mom teach you when you were growing up? How did she change your life? Do you parent your kids like your Mom did with you, or do you do the exact opposite, or do you try to find a healthy balance between the two? Leave a comment, or send me an e-mail (UnpredictableAngel13@hotmail.com) about your Mom and her life teachings.

Today is being a taxing day on my entire being. I feel overly exhausted for no real reason, I’m not motivated to do anything. I just want to go soak in a nice hot bath and read a book, turn my music up real loud and veg by myself.

I feel like a bit of a one-man-show right now, even though both my kids Dad’s are still in the picture and are here everyday to some extent or another. Carter tends to be a huge mama suck, that and I think that I’m officially starting to “dry up”, because I feel like every second he’s awake (unless The Boyfriend’s awake and can distract him), he’s breastfeeding.

I never really got the opportunity to breastfeed my other kids. With Kaeidyn, I had gotten an infection from the c-section so bad that it affected my breastmilk. She wouldn’t drink it at all. Kenzie got a short amount of time breastfeeding, but within 2 or 3 weeks, after he didn’t gain any significant weight, I dried up completely and had to switch to formula. Keirnan was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and for the first week or two, I was pumping as often as I could. He was being fed through a tube in his nose, so breastfeeding wasn’t possible. By the end of his hospital stay, they were adding so much nutritional supplements to my breastmilk that it seemed more logical to switch to formula.

Carter on the other hand, has had no problem with the breastfeeding whatsoever. He’s gained a really good amount of weight, he latched without much problem, I only had a day or two of sore nipples (as opposed to Kenzie, where the entire time I was breastfeeding was painful, and my nipples constantly cracked), so it’s been a rather pleasurable experience. Though these last two days, it seems incredibly overwhelming.

When I do get him off my boob, I generally want to “play” on the computer. By play, I mean blog and check out other blogs and look into whatever catches my interest for the day. Though what I should be doing is cleaning, but I’m getting so sick of that.

I’m what they call a “Slacker Mom”, I like that alot more than the alternative “Bad Mom”. My house isn’t immaculate, I don’t brush my kids teeth every night, I don’t include all of the four food groups in our meals. I think I do pretty good, but I wouldn’t put myself in the Great Mom category, because I have much higher standards than this.

I’ve been doing dishes every single day, which was one of my goals for this year. I’ve even been getting the kids to help. Kaeidyn washes all the silverware (and does a suprisingly good job), Keirnan likes to “wash” the dishes too (really he just pours water and in and out of things), and he likes to help cook dinner (which has resulted in burning his hand twice, neither time very badly. First it was the oven while making cupcakes and he touched the front of it. I kept telling him No, but he wouldn’t listen. The second time, I was boiling potatoes on the stove, again I told him it was hot and the he shouldn’t touch it, but I guess curiousity burns the monkey, so he touches the side of the pot, cried for 5 seconds, and then was okay the rest of the night). Kenzie isn’t much of a helper at all, he would rather play his games. But I’ve been calling him up before dinner, and his job is to wipe down the table (he doesn’t do such a good job at it, but at least he gets it all wet so that it’s easier for me to clean off ;)).

So then I try to make dinner in as short of a time as possible, because I really don’t like being in my kitchen. Firstly, there’s three kids running around that I’m constantly tripping over. Then I normally have to have Carter out there with me, either in the Snugli (which is more annoying than I can even explain, when you’re trying to wash dishes or cook a meal!) or in his bouncy chair, which he still hasn’t gotten to the point of really liking. Like I said, he’s a mama suck. He likes to be held and if he’s not being held, he’s normally not happy. I seriously don’t know how we have so many happy pictures of him, because I almost never feel like he’s being happy.

I keep forgetting how exhausting and overwhelming it is to do this job. And I was so naive, the first couple of weeks Carter was home, I kept going off to everyone about how it feels like it gets easier with each kid you add on.

I remember with Kaeidyn, being so overwhelmed, that I’d close her in our bedroom, and I’d sit outside the door bawling my eyes out, begging her to just stop crying. Then Kenzie came along, and things bothered me much less. Keirnan coming home was just about the easiest thing ever. The older two kids helped out so much, especially Kaeidyn. Even the first couple of weeks that Carter came home (back when The Boyfriend was on paternity leave), were really easy. Everyone was helping out. Now that The Boyfriend’s gone back to work, and Kaeidyn’s back in school, it just seems so intense.

I feel like I go all day, and never stop. I used to get to join The Boyfriend on naps during the day. Or taking a bath, I used to get to go for baths. This actually involves a short explanation. I try my hardest not to shower. I have an issue with my knees. The doctors are calling it Osgood-Shlatter Disease, though I personally disagree with the diagnoses altogether.

According to The Mayo Clinic, Osgood-Shlatter Diesease can affect children going through puberty. It is most commonly seen in those who particpate in sports that involve running, jumping, and swift changes in direction – such as soccer, basketball, figure skating and ballet. The disease typically occurs in boys age 13 to 14 and girl age 11-12.

I know, you’re probably laughing hysterically. I’m definitely not 11 or 12 (though I miss those days and sometimes wish I could have them back), I don’t participate in any sports. And the last time I participated in sports, was Grade 6 basketball. I haven’t done any running or soccer or basketball and definitely not figure skating! I don’t even walk very often!

Whatever it is, standing up in the shower, causes me serious pain. It doesn’t help that I still haven’t recovered from whatever it was that Carter did to my hip while I was pregnant with him. So I stand in the shower, and I get shooting pains going down from my hip and up from my toes, all headed in the direction of my knee. I’ve got a heating blanket, I’ve got knee braces (the tensor bandage kind) and I’ve Rub-A-535, all of which don’t do anything but provide moments of relief. Quick, short, almost not even worth it, relief. So I keep my showers to an absolute minimum and try to stick more to baths to save my knees. I can’t actually remember when the last time for sure was my last bath or shower, I know it’s been less than a week, more than two days. I hate that!

I don’t mean to complain, because I wouldn’t give any of this up for anything, but I just can’t believe I keep forgetting the depth of how overwhelming it really is. Does anyone else find being a stay-at-home Mom an incredibly hard job? Do you think it’s just as tough for Mom’s who work, or are they lucky because they get to leave for awhile and take a break (I personally agree with that, and that is exactly the reason why I can’t wait to get  back to work or school or something!)? Anyone have any bad experiences with breastfeeding, or was it a relatively easy job?

Just to let everyone know, I am working really hard on today’s tasks for Problogger, when I can. I’m having a really hard time keeping my focus on reading other people’s blogs when the kids are climbing all over the furniture and making messes left, right and center. I’m hoping I’ll get it done by the end of the night (especially being that 3 out of 4 kids are leaving in about 2 hours to go watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs at the theatre with their grandparents, and The  Boyfriend doesn’t work tonight), so I’m hoping in a couple hours I’ll get creatively productive.

Prior to that, I need to:

  • Do the dishes
  • Do some laundry
  • Get the floor in the living room clean for the umpteenth time this week
  • Change the garbage in the  bathroom