Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

I am so tired and yet, do you think I would go to bed? No, no I wouldn’t. Because I’m so into a whole bunch of things on the Internet, that it’s almost impossible for me to walk away. I’m sure it’s officially an addiction. When I go to bed at night thinking about The Rantings Network, and the first thing I think about doing in the morning is working on it (to the point where I’ll argue with myself, “Sleep on the couch or work on the web” and the web almost always wins!), I think it crosses the line from hobby to addiction.

So what has kept me so attached to my computer, you ask. I’ve been working incredibly hard on fifth and sixth blogs/sites in The Rantings Network, The Art Of… and The Art Of… Academy. In the last week:

  • My concept for both have changed
    Originally I had planned on The Art Of… providing all sorts of educational sexual information, and The Art Of… Academy would just be a members only gathering spot.

    Since then, it’s changed to The Art Of… Academy offers courses on a variety of sexual subjects. Viewers register to access lessons and the participant workbook. The Art Of… will now feature selected lessons, participant contributions and other posts of interest.

  • I’ve created a total of five series, each having five courses with a minimum of five lessons. Of course, I’m still in the research stage, so all this is just templates and ideas – but I’m gonna look at that as a huge accomplishment!
  • I’ve created at least another four sub-sites to house all the courses. Thankfully, since they’re password protected, and I don’t expect anyone to start registering to courses until closer to the end of the year, I can take more time adding content and don’t have to feel rushed.

    After all the pages are set to add content (which I figure will take me a maximum of another two weeks), I’ll be starting a strict research regime to prepare for lesson creation, and the current plan is to have courses complete and ready to go by the new year!

Somehow, even though I feel like (and The Boyfriend probably does too) I spend all day at the computer, I’ve been getting out of the house. Today, we got invited over to The Club House (Mama T’s place). First we went to the exercise park, and even though all the kids have been begging me to take them all week, they were hardly interested and only cared about going up to The Club House. We got maybe half an hour in before they all started whining too much. I spent most of the time at the exercise park on the “glider”, which is basically these step pads that swing back and forth, as if you’re walking with a bounce to your step (and with little-to-no joint pain).

Then we went upstairs, and somehow Mama T got Carter to fall asleep on her chest. He never falls asleep on my chest, even though I’ve tried a thousand times. He normally just keeps crawling up me, and pulling my hair. Even The Boyfriend can’t normally get him to fall asleep on his chest, Carter just crawls up and sucks on his nose (that’s The Boyfriend’s own fault!).

We had a delicious homemade hamburger lupper (lunch and dinner), watched Stuart Little 3 (and I’m curious why they did it cartoon animated, even though it had all the same actors as the first two), and then I dozed off with Carter in my arms in Mama T’s broken gliding chair. It was a surprisingly nice little nap actually.

We came home and almost immediately I jumped on the computer, and I’ve been on it ever since. Though I think I’m going to bed after this post, maybe a game or two of Mahjong Dimensions. So that’s my day in a nutshell 😉

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Today has been a day to say the least, and I almost gave The  Boyfriend a heart attack, which is either kind of funny, or really sad 😉

So this morning, The Boyfriend brought home a new entertainment stand that we’ve been eyeing for about a month now. He stayed up almost all day getting it set up, and boy does it look pretty. The good thing about it, is it’s going to clear up the 3 small movie shelves we’ve got, and the TV no longer sits on an un-sturdy, old casino table that I got almost 5 years ago from Wal-Mart.

After he was all done building the thing, I asked if we could go to Wal-Mart to pick up formula for Carter. He’s showing alot of interest in solids, but the second he’s given them, he just spits it all out. The only thing he seems to enjoy at all is mashed potatoes, but I don’t want to give him too much of that. I’ve never had to go through the “transition”. The only kid other than Carter that I got to breastfeed for any length of time was Kenzie, and he was so hungry that it didn’t matter what it tasted like.

He doesn’t like the formula, at all! He chews on the nipple and the second the formula gets in his mouth, he makes a face then starts wailing. He’ll hold the formula that is in his mouth in there, until he starts making a choking type noise and then swallows. Then when you try to put the  bottle back in his mouth, he just shakes his head back and forth. So I’m gonna keep trying, and then I’ll breastfeed him. As long as he’s getting a little bit, it’s more than what he’s getting from me.

So we ended up replacing the office chair that we’ve had at the computer desk, because the screws were starting to tear through the padding (so the chair became extremely uncomfortable to sit on). I built the chair with the kids, and it’s so comfy. It’ll be perfect for the kids on the computer too, because it lifts up and down.

It was nice to be able to get to spend some time alone with The Boyfriend today. My cousin came by and watched all the kids (by herself!), so we could run to Wal-Mart. I got more make-up stuff, and now my make-up kit is almost full. Just need some liquid eyeliner and once I get my eyebrows shaped and learn how, an eyebrow pencil and I’ve got everything I want/need. We finally got Star Trek (the newer movie), which we’ve been talking about getting since it came out.

Kaeidyn’s got a birthday party tomorrow, and she insisted we get her friend Barbies. So we got some cheap princess barbie dolls, and a little princess set with shoes for her. Kaeidyn gets to go bowling for the first time ever tomorrow. It should be very interesting.

So you’re probably curious how I gave The Boyfriend a heart attack earlier today, eh? I teased that I thought I was pregnant again. These last couple of days, I seem to be pretty emotional. Which, prior to The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, wouldn’t be cause for concern. That’s pretty much how you could’ve described me, without being mean. Since being with The Boyfriend, it’s taken alot to make me cry, unless I’m pregnant (which has only happened once, so it’s not like there’s alot of evidence behind it ;))

A couple days back, when Goober first landed in the hospital, they wouldn’t let me talk to him, wouldn’t even tell me he was there. So I called his ER doctor (after hours), and tried my hardest to keep it together, but I was pretty upset. So by the end of the message I left, I was sobbing like a little girl. So much so, that when the secretary returned the message, she left the number and said “It sounds like you were a little upset, and I had problems understanding everything you said, so please return our call at…”

Then today, I had to pay back an old buddy of mine, who I know through Alfie. I’ve known him for many many years, and I’ve seen him treat previous girlfriends pretty crappily, and they normally treat him the same. Today, I saw something that not only brought back a thousand memories, but that cut me to the bone!

I’m sitting on his couch, and his girlfriend comes out of their room. She goes to the fridge and grabs a beer. Puts it down on the coffee table and asks for a lighter so she can go out for a smoke. All of a sudden, my (ex) buddy starts yelling at her that she’s stupid and retarded and when she’s outside having her smoke she might as well just jump off the balcony. My jaw dropped open and my eyes welled up.

I walked out of the building and immediately burst in to tears. And it kept running through my head that that was the most terrible and uncomfortable thing I had ever been through. Then I remembered that, that used to be my life. The only difference is, unlike the girlfriend, I would’ve walked up and slapped him in the face and then I would’ve ran like hell, trying to avoid the return hit.

I came home and told The Boyfriend and I just kept saying that I felt so bad for this girl. And he kept looking at me, his eyebrow cocked like he always does. Realizing what he was getting at, I just said, “I can’t believe I went through alot of the same stuff for almost six years!”, and then I just kept saying it.

See, while Alfie and I fought, pretty much all the time and while Alfie was a prick to me (in a way, not buddies way…), he never once called me stupid or retarded in front of his friends. He never once told me to kill or hurt myself, instead he saved me from hurting myself twice – even if one of those times was purely out of annoyance.

Before The Boyfriend, I didn’t mind fighting at all. I used to start arguments with people, just for the sake of starting an argument.  After spending the last year and a half, with virtually no arguing whatsoever, it just completely overwhelmed me. And that’s how the worst parts of the crap that I went through started, and right before my eyes flashed this poor girl’s future, if she chose to stay with buddy.

It starts with arguing, then it turns into name calling and put downs, and then it escalates into physical harm. Hands, stairwells and keyboards have all taught me that. And it just gets such control over you. Logically, in my head, I knew way before it got physical that I should leave. Do you think I could?

Do you think once it got physical, I left? Nope. And it almost sickens me to think that I used to almost egg it on, and after Alfie and I split ways and that physicalness was gone (a few months after we split ways), I almost missed it and craved it.

The upside to the whole situation, if there even is one, is that it really made me aware of how wonderful The Boyfriend is. More than once, I’ve given him good reason to yell and scream at me – and I mean that literally. And somehow, he has been able to calm himself to the point where we can just talk about it. Even though a few times, he’s kind of hit below the belt (without meaning to) verbally, we talk. We don’t yell, we don’t hit, we don’t call each other names.

I came home from buddies place, and wrapped my arms so tight around The Boyfriend just kissing and hugging him. I am honestly so lucky to have him. Even though some of the shit he does ticks me off sometimes, I wouldn’t trade him for all the world. The whole experience just made me appreciate my relationship so much more, so much more.

Well, I have some other adult-type writing to do now. So, I hope your night finds you in good health and great comfort.

So, the plan was to start NaBloPoMo again this month. But I missed the first two days, thanks to The Boyfriend’s days off, being able to get rid of the kids for a night this week, and family drama!

I’ve decided I need to make a disclaimer for this blog, because I’m getting sick of every single time I start a blog to write about my life, I hear from someone about what I’m writing about. I try pretty hard not to slander names on this blog, and I’m not trying to be conflicting, and yet it seems like everyone’s got a negative opinion.

The kids went to Alfie’s yesterday, so The Boyfriend, Carter and I got a quiet night alone. We watched 2012 last night. At first, I was sure it was going to be one of those things that just spiked my sketchiness. Thankfully, it twisted into a movie I was no longer worried about. The only thing I have to say after watching that movie, is if it happens, I hope that I’m one of the first ones to die (and painlessly) or that I’ve got some of those passes.

I had planned on doing a ton of cleaning while the kids were gone. But of course, when the kids are gone, my bigger priority is sleep. So I got a couple extra hours of that. I think after the kids go to bed tonight, The Boyfriend and I will try to get at least the upstairs tidied up more…

Tomorrow is Kaeidyn’s Sparkle Day. She keeps wanting to do her earrings for it, but everyone’s already seen her earrings. So I’m trying to talk her into something else. She got a new bracelet, so maybe I can convince her to do that.

Kenzie’s been playing games almost non-stop since yesterday, the joys of being at Alfie’s. He has no interest in playing now that he’s home. He wants to sleep, but it’s still just a little bit too early, unless I want to be up at 4 AM!! Keirnan’s trying really hard to get the talking thing down, but everything’s still coming out just sounding like “uh eh”.  I think he’s starting to get frustrated.

Carter is growing at a rapid pace and is staying awake alot longer than before. He’s motoring everywhere now. The best place to put him now is in his Jolly Jumper. He loves that thing now that he fits really good in it.

Today, I had a moment of feeling accomplished. My brother was over and he wasn’t being annoying or anything like that, but I’m more and more worried about him and it’s obvious that more and more people are less worried about him. I called Mental Health to find out their walk-in times behind Goober’s back, and then I asked him if he’d like to go for a ride. I was expecting him to just say “Yes”, but of course, he had to ruin it and ask “Where we going?”. So I told him that I’d like to take him down to the walk-in at mental health.

After promising him I wouldn’t leave him there, he said he’d be fine with going. So the next time I can get Alfie to watch the kids, I think The Boyfriend, Carter and I are going to take Goober down and see if we can’t figure out some way to get my brother on the path to independent functionality.

So it’s The Boyfriend’s birthday today!!! You’d barely be able to tell, other than the phone calls for him today. No real celebration over here. We’ve both been on electronics all day, him playing games and me working on blog/site stuff. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to celebrate later…

Two blog milestones have been hit this week. First was two people admitting to read the blogs that weren’t related (one reads this blog, the other reads the XXX Rated Rantings), and I got my first WTMFI Wednesdays comment!! So hooray!

I know that it’s only been like maybe four or five days, but I’ve missed blogging. First, we thought the phone, internet and cable had all been disconnected. But upon paying another “large” sum on that bill, it turned out that someone had screwed with our connection, so we had to have a service guy come in and fix everything. Luckily, everything is back up and running smoothly.

It was the longest four or five days of my life. The only good thing about not having cable or internet is that The Boyfriend and I spent some serious quality time together. We finally watched a bunch of movies that we’ve kind of put on the back burner.

Friday, we went and did our pay day shopping trip. We got a few more movies plus three more games. According to the sales associate at Best Buy, the Wii Balance Board not being in stock is an Alberta wide problem. We checked three different places, and not one of them had the balance board, nor did they know when they would next be getting them.

So sadly, no Wii Fit or other fitness game that required the balance board. Luckily for me, Jenny McCarthy has solved that problem with Your Shape. It uses a USB camera, and tells you when you’re doing moves wrong. I’ve done 3 workouts, today was my break day. Yesterday, my abs were killing me.

While I don’t think that the game is that great for correcting form, and I don’t like that to learn how to do the move, you have to stop in the middle of your workout to watch a tutorial for one move, it is really great to be working out and moving around again. It’s a good motivator to try to improve your score!

The Boyfriend also got the Star Wars: Clone Wars game, with a blaster and a light saber. I haven’t played it yet, and the only complaint from The Boyfriend is constantly switching back and forth between the accessories. I think that’s always going to be a complaint about the Wii, until they can figure out a way to make switching between accessories easier.

Then we got the kids My Storybook Workshop. Kaeidyn’s loving the game and puts it on at least once a day to listen to a story and record a song. Kenzie’s still very much into his Lego: Star Wars, especially since Alfie brought over a memory card that has all the characters unlocked. Keirnan has been really into these “Where’s Waldo” type books, but with Taz and Scooby Doo instead.

Alfie finally got a job!!! I’m very excited about him working. The only thing that sucks is, I know I’m gonna start feeling like he’s neglecting the kids. Especially being that he’ll be working, and then when he’s not working, he’ll want to be partying, or out with his buddies or his current female interest. Plus, I know how Alfie is with jobs. How he’s been for years. He’ll spend the first month or two, constantly excited, constantly telling everyone how much he loves his job. Then something will happen, and it will become a fight for him everyday to go. Then something else will happen, and he just won’t go. I’m hoping, now that we’re not together, that it’ll change. That he’ll finally get his life going in a forward direction.

Carter is teething hard right now, and it’s beginning to seriously test my patience. None of my other kids really had a problem with teething. Kaeidyn’s first tooth broke through without us even noticing. One day she had no teeth, the next she had teeth. Kenzie had a bit of a problem, but a tiny bit of Orajel and he was fine. Keirnan was much the same way, and didn’t really start having problems with his teeth until the top four started rotting. Carter on the other hand, with two teeth coming in on the sides, is having a big problem.

He hates his Orajel, he cries almost all the time when he’s sleeping (that’s probably an over-exaggeration. I know he still smiles, but times like these, it’s hard to remember them). Today has been one of those days where I’ve had to put him down and walk away too many times. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, “I have three other kids, I can’t be permanently attached to you!”, and then I look at him and I remember that he’s just a baby and he doesn’t know any better. I see that he’s in pain, and it’s incredibly hard to stay mad. I feel guilty for putting him down.

Dinner always seems to be the worst time. I go out to start the dishes, and as soon as the water gets turned on, he starts screaming out in the living room. So I’ll finish up the dishes really quickly and come back out and feed him. I always seem to think that that feeding will knock him out and he’ll sleep and let me make dinner in peace. I’m always wrong. Instead, he cries through the entire time that I make dinner, and through the entire time that I eat dinner. So I feed him again. After another half hour or so of crying, I finally give in and force him to take his Orajel. He gets right angry at me, cries even louder, makes these sour lemon faces, and then passes out long enough for me to catch my breath.

I think, all in all, even though my stress limits are through the roof right now, that I’m doing pretty good. I seem to be managing pretty well. Albeit, I’ve yelled more in the last week than I have in at least 6 months, and that’s exhausting. But there’s been alot going on.

First, Alfie starts having sex again. After a year and a half of him trying to “win me back”, he finally has sex with someone else. My only problem with the entire thing, was that he missed a day of calling the kids. Then he got a job, which is exciting, but again takes him away from the kids. Less of a bother being that he’s finally making money! Then my brother, Goober, came back to town.

About a year ago, my brother came back from BC, going through some massive things after a Ketamine trip. He spent some time in a mental institution (after basically being forced out there), got out and went back to BC. We were told he was acting normally, and seemed to be doing better. He came back here, and I don’t think he’s doing better at all. I think he’s doing ALOT worse. Before he seemed to have some sort of control over himself, now it seems like he’s lost and confused and completely unaware of himself.

He talks to himself, to people who aren’t there. He comes up with stuff in his head. Like today, he comes over here, and The Boyfriend’s been borrowing Mama T’s car while she’s out in Vancouver. Well, Goober comes in and says that my Mom sent him a message saying that she wanted us to put the car back in her parking lot. I told him that Mama T gave us permission to use her car until she got back from the Olympics, did she actually message him or was he just making it up. He says “I could be making it up”, so he got snapped at. He listens worse than my 2 year old, Keirnan.

The other day, he comes over just as The Boyfriend and I are putting on P.S. I Love You (which is a really good movie, by the way), and he’s told when he walks in that we’re getting ready to watch a movie so he has to be quiet. The kids had already been told that they had to be quiet, and if they weren’t going to be quiet to go to the play room. Kaeidyn and Keirnan were sitting quietly watching the movie and Kenzie was playing games, and Goober starts making noises. Then he starts playing with Keirnan. He gets told to be quiet and so does Keirnan. Keirnan sits back and quiets down, Goober on the other hand, starts making more noise. After the sixth time of telling him to be quiet, he got kicked out of the house.

He’s just been pushing it so hard. I don’t know for sure what “it” is, but I don’t like when he pushes “it”. I don’t know if I believe that he’s like this because he can’t control it. Most of the time, I think he’s doing it intentionally. If I weren’t to think about it like that, I would probably worry alot. I had a big hand in who my brother is today. I taught him alot of the things he knows.

I sat beside him while we were kids, practicing reading every single day. I went along for every appointment that concerned his education, from hearing tests to meetings with speech therapists and everywhere in between. I played games with him to help his lazy eye and extended neck muscles. Countless hours, we sat with a broomstick between us, pulling each other back and forth. Countless hours, I spent in his classroom at school, helping his teacher and going to meetings with his special reading teacher at school.

When we both were teenagers, I introduced Goober to punk rock, and showed him the way of the punk. Taught him that being a punk was bigger than you and me. Taught him why good music was good music. Took him to his first punk rock show and skanked in the pit with him. Gave him his first mohawk, and taught him how to use Knox Gelatin to get the perfect liberty spike.

And now, he’s like a ghost of his former self. Five years ago, I would’ve told you that he had the potential to do anything. He had held a job for over a year (which was something that was totally foreign to me), he seemed like his life could go anywhere. Unfortunately, it went somewhere. Somewhere bad and dark and scary and creepy. And I can’t even help him because I simply don’t know how. I’m very skeptical about what is really going on with him, and that’s my biggest problem. Plus, I have four kids and little time to help myself, let alone anyone else. I hate that I don’t even feel like he’s my baby brother anymore, I feel like he’s gone. Now, he’s just a guy that I’m morally obligated to. It sucks. I miss him.

Kaeidyn went to her first Birthday Party on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to take her, though it’s probably for the best. The Boyfriend took her down to the Kerrywood Nature Center, and she spent about 2 1/2 hours down there with some of her friends from school. It’s amazing how much she’s grown…

I’ve been sketching out pretty badly these last couple of days. Had my worst bout yet, the other night when The Boyfriend took a sick day. Carter was breathing loud, The Boyfriend was breathing loud and I couldn’t carry out my normal routine of listening to the sounds of my house and analyzing all of them and then talking myself out of going to check to see if someone broke into the house, and eventually, I just gave in and came and slept upstairs on the couch. Unfortunately, that didn’t solve my problem and I spent the next three hours on the couch analyzing every sound and convincing myself that it was just the heater.

I’m thinking about talking to my doctor about sleeping pills or anti-anxiety pills or something. The panic attacks at night are getting ridiculous. During the day, I seem to be doing fine. I’m in a pretty good mood most days, though snappy because I’m lacking in sleep. It’s one of those things that I’m nervous about though. I’ve been on anti-depressants before, and I was on sleeping pills for a month to reset my sleeping schedule awhile back. But it’s not something I really want to repeat. It wasn’t something I wanted in the first place, it was more something I needed. I’m starting to feel the need for it again. So we’ll see. I have to go see the doctor again next month, so unless it gets really bad before then, I’ll talk to him about it then.

Well, even though it’s only been four or five days, it feels amazing to be back blogging! Can’t wait to do it again 😉

Today was a really good day with The Boyfriend. He got to sleep in this morning, which I thought for sure would make me mad, which normally does. But he woke up when I made some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. And while I was on the computer for almost the whole day, I felt like we were really close today.

I’ve been working ridiculously hard on getting WTMFI Wednesdays up on The XXX Rated Rantings. I’ve gotten a month worth of Wednesday posts up and ready to go, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have about 100 questions sitting around waiting to be used.

It was especially exciting because The Boyfriend not only helped massively with coming up with a bunch of questions, but he seemed excited at the idea of becoming part of my Wednesday posts when I told him it would be cool if he did. He was down for answering the questions, so hopefully I’ll be adding that before the first official post on February 3rd, 2010.

So, Kaeidyn had a dentist come to her school today, so all we heard about was her teeth today. Songs, instructions, everything teeth. Tomorrow we’re going to a speech therapy workshop with her, so that should be fun. I’m finally gonna get to see what Kaeidyn does when she goes to her speech therapy, and that’s exciting for me.

Right now, she just brings home papers and they have instructions. I don’t actually know if I’m doing it right, but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. We had KFC for dinner tonight, and sat down and watched “Horton Hears a Who”. Kaeidyn was the only one who stayed awake during all of it.

I played Wii for a good long time today. I finally found two games on the Wii Sports Resort that I can play sitting down. So I spent almost all afternoon Skydiving and flying over the island. I unlocked a whole bunch of stuff, and got my Wii Fitness Age down to 37!!! Only 14 more years to go!

Carter has a massive cold. Runny nose, congestion, the coughs. I seriously hate when my kids are sick. I feel so helpless all the time. It doesn’t help that he’s teething right now too, so his teeth are hurting and he’s got boogers sticking out his nose, and he keeps coughing up junk. All the kids start getting sick right as the weather’s about to change. It literally runs a circle, starting with Keirnan. Then it goes on down to Carter, then Kenzie, then Kaeidyn. Then I get hit with a really vicious, intense cold and then Cahlen gets a stuffed up nose, and then we’re good until the weather changes again. And it doesn’t matter what season it is.

I’ve almost completed the NaBloPoMo challenge!! Aren’t you proud of me?

I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing lately. Feed Cater, work on blog, feed Carter, work on blog. And boy oh boy have I been working on blogs like crazy. First I’ve been trying to complete an about page on this blog. It’s hard to write in the first person about yourself.

Then I’ve been working like crazy on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – XXX Rated Edition. I’ve got a few pages up, and I’m hoping to start posting on a regular basis starting February 1st. I’ll keep you updated.

Today was a relatively boring day. I got to take a nap which was very exciting. Did dishes and made dinner when I woke up. The kids all went to bed super late tonight, so tomorrow will probably be a rough day.

Alfie’s not walking Kaeidyn to school tomorrow, so I’ll be up bright and early to do that. Hopefully it’s warmer tomorrow than it was today. Otherwise I’m gonna be a grumpy Mommy.

Kenzie did really good today not playing games. He asked about a thousand times, but didn’t throw a fit or pout when he was told no. Instead he watched Star Wars all day. He couldn’t play the game, so he might as well watch the movie.

Well I should get this posted, before it’s too late. I just barely made it today. I almost forgot I was working so hard on the other rantings. Hey, did anyone notice my new header? What do you think?

Today was an incredibly boring day. After getting to sleep in a little late, The Boyfriend realized he still had the keys from work. So he ended up having to take a cab up to the south end. Before leaving he was all like “If they have them, do you want me to pick up a Wii?”. Hells yes I did. Well then they didn’t have them.

The Boyfriend bought the kids a new movie and Super Troopers (which I’ve never had an interest to see, but he insisted that I’d think it was hilarious. I didn’t…), but didn’t come back with any other treats than beef jerky for me. So of course, I had to give him a hard time. I go “You didn’t get me anything?” and he felt all bad and was like “I looked and couldn’t find anything you’d want.” He’s partially right. All the things that I want, that aren’t a Wii or a car, are things that I don’t want enough to get right now.

But of course, I had to be right, and The Boyfriend was all like “I didn’t know what you’d want”, I had to be like “I’ve told you a ton of things that I wanted”, he says “Like what?”, so naturally I started thinking of things. Materials for my home management notebook for one. Though I automatically hated this idea, because it’s just a big fat reminder that I haven’t done anything more with the whole idea.

So I spent the better majority of the morning-afternoon, being bored and thinking about how much I wish I could’ve been playing a Wii. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. Patience is a virtue. Blah blah blah…

Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan went to American’s and English’s tonight with Alfie, and The Boyfriend was sleeping, so Carter and I hung out on the couch for a few hours tonight. He barely slept at all the entire time, and was mostly in a good mood. He was very talkative. And I would talk back, and use my real laugh instead of my fake laugh when he would smile really big.

The Boyfriend woke up around nine, and Carter was awake and talkative, and started experimenting with his laugh. He’s coo, and then he’d get kind of loud. Then he’d hold his breath and let out with this puff of coo. He kept doing it over and over, like he was practicing laughing. It’s amazing how fast he’s growing up.

An acquaintance of mine, a great friend of Alfie’s, came over today. He hadn’t seen Carter since he was born. Right away, he commented on how huge Carter’s gotten. All the other kids took awhile to “grow up”. They were all premature and had no desire to be older than their age.

Kaeidyn, born 4 weeks premature, started rolling over and crawling around 5 months. She started walking at 9 1/2 months. Kenzie, who was technically born full term, 2 weeks before my due date, was about the same as Kaeidyn. He started walking later, closer to a year for him. Keirnan, born 7 weeks premature, started rolling over and crawling around 6 months and walking around 10 or 11 months. Carter is rolling over and crawling at 3 months (started at 2…)! He’s also teething alot sooner than the other three. They all started about the same time they started crawling.

Does anyone else seriously miss their babies being babies? I never experienced this with any of the other kids. But every time I look at Carter, I just keep thinking about my babies when they were babies, or more babies than what they are now.

If I could go back and re-do it all, I would in a heartbeat. I’d love to experience the whole trauma with Kaeidyn’s birth and the months that followed again, except for I’d like to deal with alot of the things that happened during that time differently. I’d kill to have my pre-Kenzie body back and the energy that I felt after having him. I’d go back to when Keirnan was in the hospital, and I’d spend more time with him, nurturing and caring for him.

I wasn’t present for the other kids like I am with Carter. Life was so hectic and crazy during those times. I almost feel bad when I give Carter all this love and attention that he gets, when the other kids didn’t get that when they were that age. With Kaeidyn, I went through a horrible bout of postpartum depression, plus I had had the infected c-section incision that lasted close to the first month she was home. I didn’t hold her as often as I could’ve, I didn’t play with her as much as I should’ve, I didn’t say “I love you” to her every single day. I regret that…

With Kenzie, I was caught up in boys and my version of partying (which trust me, is probably nothing in comparison to most people’s version of partying). He got alot more than Kaeidyn did, as I had spent two very serious weeks in a mental institution at the beginning of the pregnancy, and had much more control over alot of my emotions. Him and I bonded right from the second he was born, though as he got older, we’ve just kind of drifted apart. He’s too into his games right now (seriously thinking about putting a stop to the whole gaming thing for him for awhile), and I’m just not that into games.

Keirnan was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and I was living in a hotel with the two other kids. Mama T worked full-time, Alfie was out of town and I had no one else to rely on to watch the older kids daily so I could go visit Keirnan. I would go up about every three days, sometimes more. In the first week, it wasn’t that bad. I was only allowed to hold him for 15 minutes a day, I was pumping at home and bringing in bottles of breast milk.

When people started visiting him in the hospital, I would always say “He looks like he’s dead”. He’d be laying there, covered in cords, under his cloth sunglasses (he was under lamps because of his jaundice, which he went in and out of having the whole time he was in the hospital), just barely breathing. I’d reach in and touch him through the holes and he never flinched, never moved. Just laid there.

About 3 weeks in, I cried and cried, for the first time. I hate that I didn’t see him more, and that I didn’t cherish that first month more. I hate that I couldn’t hold him more. Now as he gets older, I wish I had more patience. He’s in that stage of learning to talk, yet having no idea how. He squeals and grunts and points. With Kaeidyn, she picked up on the talking really quickly. As long as she was told to slow down, she could get what she wanted across. Kenzie, I hardly remember what it was like when he started talking. It seemed like one day he couldn’t and the next day he could. Keirnan is just not picking it up at all, and he doesn’t slow down. I’m finding that I don’t do so well during this stage.

I’m glad that I have at least another 10+ years to make up for all the mistakes I made with my kids. At least I have  the rest of my life to tell all the kids “I love you” everyday. And thankfully, even with all the mistakes I made, all my kids are healthy, happy and to me, their amazing. And even though I miss when they were babies, I can’t wait to see what their going to be like when they’re older.

Kaeidyn will most likely have a rotten attitude, just like her mother. I have a feeling that I’m going to go through alot of the same things my Mom went through with me with that girl. Kenzie, if he sticks with this gamer thing, will most likely be tied up in his bedroom, playing games and designing graphics. I could totally see him being a whiny emo kid (oh wait, he already is ;)). With Keirnan, it’s really too soon to tell. He’ll most likely be like Alfie was growing up, except Keirnan will do it better. For every bit of devilish destruction that Alfie participated in, Keirnan will destroy twice as much. Alfie was/is a wannabe ladies man, Keirnan will be a ladies man. I’m hoping one of them will be super musical, maybe it’ll be Carter.

Well I had planned for this to only be a short post, but looks like that plan didn’t turn out as planned 😉 More again tomorrow, only a week and a day left before I’ve officially completed NaBloPoMo!! YAY!!