Archive for the ‘NaBloPoMo’ Category

So again, I failed NaBloPoMo. A whole three days into it, and at first it wasn’t completely my fault. My timezone in WordPress wasn’t right, so when I posted at 11 something one night, it didn’t show up until after midnight. I’ve fixed the timezone issue.

Then I’ve had two days of complete and utter soreness, and the last thing I’ve wanted to do is sit in front of the computer. It’s absolutely horrible. I haven’t done anything really except for sitting on the couch. My entire body feels swollen (even though it’s not), and every bone feels brittle and like it’s on the verge of breaking. I feel weak and heavy and fragile… This kind of soreness isn’t that bad when it’s isolated to one area, but when it expands to your entire body, it’s intense and ridiculous. I’m completely sick of it.

I had written up a post a couple days ago of the exact same title (those of you following me on Twitter, might have followed a blank link…), and for some reason after I published it, the entire post disappeared. I wasn’t in the mood to write it up again then, so here’s my attempt…

The kids are all doing pretty wonderfully. Finally went for a nap today (after almost an entire week of planning everyday for a nap). Today was one of those days when a nap seemed completely out of the question, but somehow we managed to squeeze one in and it was wonderful. The best three hours I’ve had in awhile. The kids, even though they claimed they weren’t tired and instead wanted to just sit quietly in their room, actually fell asleep before I even tucked Carter and I in.

This morning, Alfie’s Mom and Step-Dad came and picked the kids up and took them shopping. They hadn’t seem them since Christmas, so it was a nice thing for them and they were so excited. Keirnan got the world’s most annoying bunny toy. You push a button, the bunny pops up and the thing (as loud as it can) goes, “Boing, Boing”. Kaeidyn got new earrings, so now she’s got five different pairs to pick from. So far, she’s liking the blue flowers The Boyfriend got her best. Kenzie got a Ben 10 game for the Wii, the first thing he did when he got home was play it, and now he’s been asking ever since.

That’s two days in a row that The Boyfriend and I have gotten a big chunk of time away from the older kids. Yesterday we had to go pick up a barbecue, because we’re both getting sick of not being able to cook anything thanks to the stupid load limiter. So Kenzie and Keirnan stayed with Alfie, and Kaeidyn and Carter went over to Mama T’s. The Boyfriend and I went shopping and it was beautiful.

Even though we were in the loudness of our local Wal-Mart, it was so nice and quiet. I seriously never realized how easy it is to take silence for granted. Because now, when it does happen, it is seriously the most comforting and relaxing thing I’ve ever experienced. And when I don’t have it, I wish that I did…

It was nice to finally get away from Carter for longer than five or ten minutes. He’s been such a mama suck lately, and of course, I’ve been letting him. So I imagine it’s going to get worse. None of the other kids were like this at all. I could leave them and they hardly noticed. They didn’t like to be held or cuddled that much, and when they did, it was normally by someone else. So I’ve never experienced this whole, “I want my Mommy all the time” thing. It’s truly extremely exhausting.

Waking up to Carter lately has been the most fun and annoying thing in the world. He’s gotten where he likes to pull himself up on everything. And I mean absolutely anything. Most days, I’ll wake up to him trying to stand by using my face as his support, and then him sucking on my hair. I think he’s seriously going to be walking before he’s sitting. He pulls himself up on the ottoman, he pulls himself up on the couch, the arm of the couch, legs. He loves to be standing. Though, do you think we could get him to sit by himself? Not a chance…

Keirnan is working really hard on picking up this whole talking thing. At least once a day, Kaeidyn starts saying words and will make him repeat after her. I’ve been trying the same thing. I can make out what he’s saying almost everytime he talks, but I think that’s just because I’m his Mom and not because he’s actually making any sense, because I seem to be the only one picking it up. He seems to only say the starting syllable in a word, and sentence structure is beyond him at this point.

Kaeidyn has been doing nothing but bugging me to put on make-up. Even after she’s just put some on, she’s asking to put more on. She’s still wearing make-up from before we went out yesterday, and the make-up that she put on at Mama T’s (she did both their make-up, and has been going off all day asking if Grandma’s called yet to get her hair fixed!), and she’s still asking if she can have some on. She’s been rhyming up a storm these last couple of days too. Mostly with made up words, but rhyming nonetheless.

Kenzie hasn’t been doing too much besides wanting to play his games.  The good thing about the whole game playing thing, is he almost never wants to play alone anymore. He’s always asking people to play games with him. At Kaeidyn’s parent/teacher conference, since she’s in speech therapy, the teacher offered us an application to The Bright Beginnings program, which is a pre-kindergarten program for kids with special needs. She figured since Kaeidyn had speech problems, Kenzie might too.

I was going through the application the other day and I don’t think Kenzie qualifies at all. He already talks better than Kaeidyn, in his own right. Kaeidyn seems to understand bigger concepts than he does, but Kenzie puts the ‘s’ where it’s supposed to be in words. I was sitting on the couch reading with them the other day, which doesn’t happen nearly as often as I would like, and Kenzie seemed to understand his colors really well and his numbers too. So I don’t think I’ll be trying to get him into The Bright Beginnings Program, maybe Keirnan when he turns three or four though.

I’ve been craving a different look for my dull, plain and ridiculously shapeless hair. So when we went and got the barbecue yesterday, we picked me up some hair rollers, so hopefully I’ll be able to get some ringlets going, as soon as I get the energy to actually put them in my hair. I’ve been buying so many girly products lately, that you’d actually believe that I was a girl… It’s different to say the least.

Well, it’s officially time for me to decide what we’re going to barbecue tonight. It’s either gonna be pork or chicken. Gotta get The Boyfriend to spark it up because I’m afraid of propane 😉 Yay for the load limiter and barbecuing when it feels like winter outside.

Tomorrow’s gonna be an exciting day, because Goober gets to come home for a couple hours. We’re all going over to Mama T’s for a visit and it’s going to be good, I hope. I hope the stress of the visit (and the lack of the institution – I know that was really hard for me) isn’t too much for him and he’s fine when he goes back. The kids are really excited to see him too.

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So as I told you yesterday, I’ve been hard at work on website stuff. It’s prompted a hail of, “You should do that!”, from both The Boyfriend and Alfie. I’ve thought about it in the past, and I always put it more in the hobby than the career category. But I’m starting to get mighty interested in the idea of it.

One of Alfie’s friends is currently taking a course on web design or something at the college, so Alfie says he’s gonna get me the information and then maybe it’s something to think more seriously about.

By the end of April, The Boyfriend will be down to part-time, working no more than four days a week. It’s gonna be nice to have him around more! I’m nervous about how it’s going to work out financially, but he assures me that if it starts aching, he’ll take up another part-time job. And I’m hoping that soon I’ll be able to go back to work, or maybe this web design thing will magically happen.

Carter is officially pulling himself up on things. When we put him on the couch, he pulls himself up from kneeling to standing with the arm. When he’s on the floor, he’ll try to crawl up your leg. And his most favourite thing is to stand using his bouncy chair as support. It’s odd, he likes to stand outside of it way more than he likes sitting in it.

I wish that he’d start taking formula so bad. Everyone keeps saying that I should just not breastfeed him, and he’ll eventually get hungry enough that he’ll take the formula. On one hand, I think it’s incredibly mean and heartless, and on the other hand it seems kind of logical.

Not only that, have you ever seen Carter take a fit? Seriously, he’s only 6 months old and he throws extreme temper tantrums. I don’t even wanna think about what it’s gonna be like when he’s 2! When I do hold off on breastfeeding, he lays there giving you this look like, “Why are you ignoring me? Don’t you love me at all”. His new thing, if he’s on the carpet, is putting his head on the carpet and then pushing as hard as he can with his toes, to the point where he gets rug burn!  And his cry…

Him and Keirnan must be competing for World’s Loudest Most Irritating Cry. The worst is when they cry, or should I say wail, at the same time. After it gets quiet, you literally feel like you’ve just left a huge rock show where you were seated right next to the speaker. Your temples are pounding, you can’t hear anything.

Today was so cute. Kenzie and Keirnan were being horrible around 5, jumping on the furniture, hitting, and screaming – all things they know they’re not supposed to do, but choose to test the limits of every single day! So I get mad and send them down to their room. About ten minutes go by, when I realize it’s ridiculously quiet downstairs. I tell Kaeidyn to sneak down and check, she does so and quietly comes upstairs, “The boys are sleeping!” Sure enough, they had tucked themselves all nicely into bed, and were both fast asleep.

They got woken up for dinner, and Keirnan was not happy at all about. He cried for almost ten minutes, until he realized his dinner was on the table. Kenzie started off grumpy (as he usually does whenever he’s woken up), but then he came and sat on my lap and I gave him a bunch of kisses and forced him to tell me he loved me, and then he was all smiles.

Found out today that none of the kids like fettucine alfredo. I don’t even think they really tried it. Lasagna, they love. First time in a long time I’ve seen the kids finish off the entire amount of a certain type of food they were given (that wasn’t broccoli or bananas). But left on everyone’s plate was the full amount of fettucine alfredo. So I guess only Mommy and Daddy get that pasta 😉

I keep telling myself to create a cleaning to do list, so that I’ll have visual motivator to get some cleaning done around here. And I want to create it on the computer, so that I can add checkboxes and feel all accomplished as I tick each one off. But when I’m on the computer, I become the addicted Rantings Network fiend, and forget entirely that I have cleaning responsibilities.

Ah well, I’ll get to it eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later. So what do you think of the formula issue?

I am so tired and yet, do you think I would go to bed? No, no I wouldn’t. Because I’m so into a whole bunch of things on the Internet, that it’s almost impossible for me to walk away. I’m sure it’s officially an addiction. When I go to bed at night thinking about The Rantings Network, and the first thing I think about doing in the morning is working on it (to the point where I’ll argue with myself, “Sleep on the couch or work on the web” and the web almost always wins!), I think it crosses the line from hobby to addiction.

So what has kept me so attached to my computer, you ask. I’ve been working incredibly hard on fifth and sixth blogs/sites in The Rantings Network, The Art Of… and The Art Of… Academy. In the last week:

  • My concept for both have changed
    Originally I had planned on The Art Of… providing all sorts of educational sexual information, and The Art Of… Academy would just be a members only gathering spot.

    Since then, it’s changed to The Art Of… Academy offers courses on a variety of sexual subjects. Viewers register to access lessons and the participant workbook. The Art Of… will now feature selected lessons, participant contributions and other posts of interest.

  • I’ve created a total of five series, each having five courses with a minimum of five lessons. Of course, I’m still in the research stage, so all this is just templates and ideas – but I’m gonna look at that as a huge accomplishment!
  • I’ve created at least another four sub-sites to house all the courses. Thankfully, since they’re password protected, and I don’t expect anyone to start registering to courses until closer to the end of the year, I can take more time adding content and don’t have to feel rushed.

    After all the pages are set to add content (which I figure will take me a maximum of another two weeks), I’ll be starting a strict research regime to prepare for lesson creation, and the current plan is to have courses complete and ready to go by the new year!

Somehow, even though I feel like (and The Boyfriend probably does too) I spend all day at the computer, I’ve been getting out of the house. Today, we got invited over to The Club House (Mama T’s place). First we went to the exercise park, and even though all the kids have been begging me to take them all week, they were hardly interested and only cared about going up to The Club House. We got maybe half an hour in before they all started whining too much. I spent most of the time at the exercise park on the “glider”, which is basically these step pads that swing back and forth, as if you’re walking with a bounce to your step (and with little-to-no joint pain).

Then we went upstairs, and somehow Mama T got Carter to fall asleep on her chest. He never falls asleep on my chest, even though I’ve tried a thousand times. He normally just keeps crawling up me, and pulling my hair. Even The Boyfriend can’t normally get him to fall asleep on his chest, Carter just crawls up and sucks on his nose (that’s The Boyfriend’s own fault!).

We had a delicious homemade hamburger lupper (lunch and dinner), watched Stuart Little 3 (and I’m curious why they did it cartoon animated, even though it had all the same actors as the first two), and then I dozed off with Carter in my arms in Mama T’s broken gliding chair. It was a surprisingly nice little nap actually.

We came home and almost immediately I jumped on the computer, and I’ve been on it ever since. Though I think I’m going to bed after this post, maybe a game or two of Mahjong Dimensions. So that’s my day in a nutshell 😉

It was a really good day today. After sleeping in until 11 AM (which is a rarity), Alfie and I went to Kaeidyn’s parent/teacher conference. I am happy to report that she is doing magnificently and has improved in every single area. She’s been in speech therapy for awhile now, working on her “sh” sounds, plurals and s-blend words. We’ve been working with her at home, they’ve been working at school and she also practices alot on her own. So she’s at an 80% accuracy for all her speech now, which is a mass improvement from 3 months ago.

They do a variety of tests, comparing from one time to another. Three months ago, she couldn’t rhyme, she could hardly recognize numbers or letters and she couldn’t spell anything but her name. Today, we find out she’s rhyming with ease, she recognizes 20 letters and every number up to eleven without difficulty (after that, she gets a little jumbled). She even knows how to recognize and spell five different words!!! Needless to say, I’m a very proud mommy!!

Then after we got back from that, we decided we were going to walk over to McDonald’s (since Mom took the car back…). It was a pretty nice day, if you take away the wind. But a hoodie, a jacket and a puffy vest was all I needed 😉 Found a tandem stroller that I had forgotten I had down in the furnace room, so it was super easy because Carter chilled in the back, and the other kids took turns in the front.

Alfie sure can stress me out when it comes to those kids though. Kaeidyn and Kenzie wanted to walk across these bricks that kind of form a wall on the side of the sidewalk. They’re completely safe to walk on, and it’s like a balance beam, but thicker. Well the kids wanted to walk on it, and Alfie starts, “You guys, be careful. You shouldn’t walk on that.” Prior to him saying anything, I didn’t think anything of it. After he said something, I suddenly got all panicky and insisted on trying to hold their hands. Of course, they wouldn’t have any of it.

McDonald’s was about as fun as it always is for us adults. Even though we didn’t stay for a super long time, the kids had fun running around and playing with other kids. Especially Kaeidyn, who adopted some little girl as her best friend, before they had actually even played together. Carter even got to play on the play place, and had fun kneeling at the stairs.

Walking home was much harder than walking there. Walking there, all the kids were excited and energized. Walking home, they were all tuckered out, full and whiny. Kenzie especially, who cried almost all the way home, until Alfie took both him and Keirnan and ran through the forest on the other side of the street from us (when I say forest, I mean just a grouping of trees. It’s not some natural wonder or something ;))

We got home and Kaeidyn was super incredibly whiny. After so long of her whiny about literally everything, we just sent her down to bed. Some more whining and wailing went on, and then she fell asleep. I think she seriously needed it. She woke up a little on the grumpy side, but once she got a drink, she was much much better.

Tonight was also an incredibly easy night for getting everyone to sleep. At about 8 PM, Kenzie started to complain that he was tired, so I told him he could fall asleep on the couch or down in bed, if he’d like. We put a movie on, and within 45 minutes, he was passed out on the couch and has been ever since. Kaeidyn and Keirnan went and laid down in my bed, and within minutes Keirnan was fast asleep. Kaeidyn gave a little bit of hassle at first, and kept coming upstairs and then saying that she didn’t know why she had come upstairs. But by 10 PM, she was fast asleep too.

We also have had a couple of pretty big accomplishments with Carter, who has eaten rice cereal a whole bunch lately (2 bowls of it the other day with Daddy!!!!), and today, for the first time ever, The Boyfriend held him and Carter drank his formula!!! No crying, no complaining, no giving up. He just took it. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get him to take it again. But it’s an accomplishment nonetheless.

I have had a few days of accomplishing pretty much nothing. I haven’t done any cleaning whatsoever (though there’s a thousand things calling my name and saying, “clean us, please clean us!” – and I just keep whispering back, “Nuuhhhhh!”), I’ve barely been on the computer working on stuff, and I’ve been curled up on the couch eating and watching TV.

I’ve been craving a workout really bad too. I told the kids today that we would go to the exercise park, and then we ended up going to McDonald’s. Almost every night when I go to bed, I make a huge to do list of all the things I need to get done the next day, and I never seem to do a single thing on the list done.

When I’m laying in bed at night, thinking of all the things I need to do, it’s like I get a burst of energy to do the things. Almost every night, I talk myself out of getting into bed by saying, “It’s really late already. Just go to sleep.”, and so I normally will. I’m starting to think that my only solution to this problem that I seem to be having, is to just get out of bed and start cleaning. It’s such a frustration.

Another huge frustration, is the fact that almost none of my clothes fit me properly the way I want them to. And the bigger frustration in all of that, is that I know what it takes for me to get where I want to be, healthily. For some reason, I just can’t come anywhere near close to executing it. So now I have this huge decision to make. Either start exercising and eating better so that I can fit into the clothes that I currently own, or succumb to the laziness and boredom hunger and just buy a bigger size… I’m hoping I’ll get motivated enough to do the former.

This is the thing that sucks the most about the whole working out thing. It’s not that I don’t like to work out. It’s that to do what I want to do to make my body look the way I want it to look (if that makes any sense), I’m gonna have to include alot of cardio. Then I’ll get to go into the stuff that I like, which is strength and flexibility training (though don’t get the idea that I’ve ever been strong, because I haven’t… Or at least, not physically ;)) The cardio is an issue, because I’ve been a smoker for seven  years. Even though I quit for about a month and a half awhile back, I’m back on the smoking train. And I don’t see quitting in my near future.

I just hope I complete at least one goal this year. From start to finish. Because I’ve started alot of goals, and haven’t even come close to completing one of them.

One more thing, before I leave you. Tomorrow, I will officially begin NaBloPoMo again. I had meant to do it every single month for the entire year, but the life of a 23-year-old, stay-at-home mom of four (who almost never leaves the house) makes it incredibly difficult. Not only because you’re a mom and the demands of that are so high, but also because there’s not much that happens in a typical day. So I’ve decided instead to try to do it three or four times this year. Hopefully maybe even more. Tomorrow will be month two!

Yesterday, Alfie took the kids overnight. The Boyfriend had to work last night, so I stayed up as late as I could so that I could sleep in with him in the morning. We slept until almost 3 PM, and it was such a good sleep. The only thing that sucked about my sleep at all, was around 9 AM, Goober showed up and starting tapping on the door. He hung out around the outside of the house until we woke up at 3.

At about 4:30, we picked up the kids. They were so good tonight. Kenzie fell asleep on the couch, played about 20 minutes of games before bed, and then went to bed with ease. Kaeidyn was really good and all she really cared about was that we were both wearing pants underneath our dresses and that I cleaned her ears.

I was trying to get Keirnan to copy me saying everyone’s name. He is so lazy about it. Kaeidyn is “aiyan”, Kenzie is “ehzie”, Carter is “cah”. He’s been trying to copy everybody with talking, and it just doesn’t seem to be working out for him at all.

Carter slept with us all day, waking up a couple times and just playing in between The Boyfriend and I. Then when we got out of bed, he was in such an incredible mood. Laughing and talking. The Boyfriend thinks he’s starting to say Mama, and claims that everytime I leave, Carter will start whining “mamamamama, mamamamama”. It’s so cute.

None of the other kids seemed to really notice when I was gone. They preferred to be with Mama T or Alfie. So it’s nice to have that change. It’s a good thing The Boyfriend and I are planning on having at least one more kid (a girl) sometime down the road, that way he can experience the whole Daddy’s baby thing.

The Boyfriend is beginning to seriously despise his job, and almost every single day, there’s a comment about going down to part time or looking for another job altogether. I feel bad for him, and I generally just feel bad. It’s not that he hates the job at all, it’s that he hates the time of the job. He hates that it takes him away from Carter and me and the kids, because when he’s not working, he’s sleeping so that he’s not tired for work.

I keep trying to tell him that to me, it’s not that big of a deal. The only times it bothers me is when I’m incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed, or when he sleeps most of his days off. I still think the biggest solver to the problem, would be some sort of routine. But we’ve had no luck creating, or sticking to, any of our big plans that we had at the beginning of this year.

The other day, The Boyfriend and I, for the first time in our lives, purchased stuff online. So around the 15th, we should be getting Mario Party 8 for the Wii! Plus two more things that you can read about on The XXX Rated Rantings. We’re super excited. Too bad I can’t drink yet, because Mario Party games make for fun drinking games 😉

I think starting next month (April WOO! It means it’s closer to summer!), I’m gonna start NaBloPoMo again. I hate that I post so little now. I think maybe it’d be fun to do NaBloPoMo on both the PG Rantings and The XXX Rated Rantings. I totally think I could manage it, so maybe that’s what I’ll do for April.

We definitely didn’t do as much cleaning as I hoped we would’ve during The Boyfriend’s holiday. So I’m really really hoping (and planning) that this week will be incredibly productive, and I’ll get a few things crossed off of my ever-growing checklist. Three big goals are the kitchen, the bathroom and my room. Wish me luck 😉

I’ve also been slacking massively on my workouts, so I think this week, the goal is to pick it back up and start working out again. Hopefully I’ll be able to stick to it.

This is so unlike me, writing so little. Now that there’s no NaBloPoMo to be accountable to, I just forget to write. Not only that, I’ve been busy working on so many things online, that I keep spending more time on that stuff than this stuff.

I’ve been researching a bunch to start thinking about getting lessons up on The Art Of… blog. Then I was checking out Google Sites last night, and decided to make one site. So, The Rantings of a Tortured Mind – The Rantings Network Headquarters, was born.

A little about The Rantings Network. Firstly, it includes all the online activities that I’m doing which include:

I also have a Ning Network and a Facebook Fan Page in the works, though no real content has gone up yet. I’m hoping to change that soon. Once all these sites are complete with content, I’m gonna start promoting the heck out of them, that way I’m sure I’m getting visitors.

Today has felt like an incredibly long day, though not much has happened. I woke up this morning in a rotten mood, but then shortly after I woke up, I got this mad desire to clean. Last night, Keirnan had gotten into the soya sauce and spilt it down the side of the stove. So I did some dishes and cleaned most of the counters and stove off. Eventually, hopefully before we go grocery shopping next, I’ll get that fridge cleaned out.

I have so many things that I need to get done around this house. Laundry is starting to pile up like crazy again, and it’s so hard to keep track of clean clothes and dirty clothes. I have 3 dressers between 6 people! So alot of the clothes stay in laundry baskets. If it were just me, I would most likely be able to keep track of what’s clean and what’s dirty. But with three kids and a boyfriend going through the laundry baskets and throwing clothes in and out of laundry baskets, it’s extremely hard to keep track of it all.

My back has been hurting really bad all day today. Right in between my shoulder area. The Boyfriend rubbed my back twice tonight and it’s seemed to do nothing at all for me. Maybe a nice little workout will help out.

I was on a roll with working out. I did three days and then took a day break and then I did another three days. It’s been two or three days now of not doing a workout, and I’m kind of craving one. My body is definitely not what it used to be. I was attempting a yoga workout the other day, and my balance and flexibility is so off compared to what it used to be. Before kids, I could do the splits and stand on one foot while I lifted the other foot above my head. Now, I can hardly touch my toes and it’s incredibly difficult for me to stand on one foot for any length of time.

The kids are all doing very good. Kaeidyn’s now opened up to the idea of liking Lukas, a boy in her class. Today she says to me, “I think I might be Lukas’ girlfriend”. The only time she doesn’t like talking about Lukas is when Alfie is around. He teases her and she takes it very personally. She doesn’t like that Daddy thinks it’s funny. I explained to her the other day when we were coming home from school, that he wasn’t making fun of her, that it was that he was excited for her. When I told her that it was because, for the rest of her life we’ll be able to tell her about Lukas, her first crush, she changed her mind about not liking Lukas and finally admitted it, though we knew it a long time ago 😉

Keirnan has had an obsession with water these last couple of days. If I leave water in the sink, he goes out and plays with it. Twice now, he’s gotten in trouble for playing in the toilet downstairs. My brother comes over and leaves cups of water everywhere, and Keirnan sticks his hand in them. Needless to say, we’ve been dealing with alot of wetness.

Kenzie’s been doing pretty good, though I don’t think he could say “Mommy” more in a day. He’ll literally sit on the floor and just go, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”.  The first thing I still hear every morning is, “Can I play a game?”, and now it’s switched from Lego: Star Wars in the kitchen, to wanting to play games on the Wii in the living room. The good thing about that is that he’s not playing games very often at all, because I normally tend to be watching TV or don’t want to listen to Kaeidyn and Kenzie fight over whether they’re going to play Tennis or Sword Fighting.

Carter is officially rolling over from his back to his stomach. He’s been doing his stomach to his back for awhile now, and just yesterday started back to stomach. He’s even starting to sit by himself. But he’s been incredibly clingy, always wanting someone to hold him. Luckily, The Boyfriend’s been home for a couple days and has been an incredible help.

The Boyfriend had two days off, and on his second day off woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible pain in his tooth. He called in sick that night and the next night went to the doctor. He walked out with a prescription for pain meds, anti-inflammatories, and amoxicillin. The doctor told him he had to take another night off work so that he could see how he reacted to the medication.

Unfortunately, he had to go back to work tonight. Though, only five more days of work  until he has a week off for his birthday. March 3rd, my man is officially as old as I am. Things have been doing better for us, though I go in and out of it constantly during the day. Hopefully we’ll get over this hump, and hopefully it will be soon.

Well, I guess that’s all I really have to write. Hopefully it won’t be so long until the next time 😉

So if I thought yesterday was a long day, I was sadly mistaken. I went to bed pretty early last night, and spent a good hour and a half completely sketching out. The dryer was going, and I was convinced there was someone walking around upstairs. I kept running up and down the stairs to check it out, expecting to round a corner and be knocked over the head.

After about 30-45 minutes of that, I started freaking out that the dryer was going to start a fire in the kids room. Recently, they’ve been sleeping with their bedroom door closed at night. So I spent the next 30-45 minutes, checking on the kids and everytime I closed my eyes, I’d have visions of the kids burning to death in a fire that started in their room, and therefore I had no way to save them. Finally, at about 2 AM, I exhausted myself and fell asleep.

I couldn’t believe how bad my anxiety was last night. I was panicking, I was breathing fast and getting light headed. In the olden days, whenever anxiety hit like that, it would be my automatic reaction to break apart a razor and cut, just a little bit. Last night, was the first time in a really really long time, that I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head. As I’m laying there, talking myself down, I just kept thinking, “It’ll go away if you just cut Val. You’ve got a good blade in the bathroom, go pick it up.” Luckily, the exhaustion kicked in before the desire took over.

I felt so guilty for thinking about it though. I haven’t cut in almost two years. And I don’t want to go back to doing it, ever! The scars are bad enough. I have them all over my thighs and my arms, and I don’t want more. I felt like I was letting myself down even thinking about it. The last time my anxiety level was even slightly that high, was when I was in labor with Carter, and the woman next door was screaming bloody murder. Before that, well let’s just say, it’s been a really long time!

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how little sleep I got, how bad my sketchiness has gotten, and how many phone calls I had to make today. Needless to say, I was horrendously overwhelmed. Alfie seemed in a right rotten mood today, and was snapping away at the kids for little things, and then the topper of the cake was when he left his Facebook on the computer and then went and played Wii.

I took Keirnan in to get his antibiotics and some saline spray for his perpetually runny nose. Mama T drove, and I’m totally jealous. She gets to go work the Olympics this year. She’s too lucky sometimes. She was excited about it right up until she heard they have tight security. After Keirnan and I saw the doctor, we went to Wal-Mart to fill his prescriptions. I bring up all the issues with Alfie with Mama T. Now her and Alfie do not get along. They used to, a long long time ago. Now, my Mom can’t even stand the thought of him. The night that I had Carter, they had a physical altercation, and ever since, Mama T and Alfie avoid each other at pretty much all costs. So of course, bringing him up, I got an earful.

Unfortunately, the only parts of the conversation I heard, were the parts where she was putting my judgement and parenting down. My Mom tends to be a bit righteous in this area. Her and my Dad split up because she didn’t like the way my Dad treated us kids and her. I’m not complaining, because it was one of the best things my Mom ever did for me. But she thinks because it was what worked for her, that somehow it’s going to work with Alfie and I.

As we’re walking through Wal-Mart, all anyone hears is how I need to put my kids ahead of Alfie and how I need to start worrying more about the kids than Alfie. All I have to say to that is, just because I let Alfie get away with alot of shit doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my kids, or that I’m not thinking about my kids. I’m very aware of the way Alfie treats the kids and the way he is with them. I don’t think it warrants eliminating him from their lives. It was good to have a serious talk with my Mom about it all, but I wish she wouldn’t put me down as a parent so much (just because I’m not living up to what her standards of parenting are), and I kind of wish she would’ve waited until we were home to bash me, then while we were wandering around Wal-Mart waiting for prescriptions to be filled.

The Boyfriend stayed up pretty much all day today, got about two hours of sleep. I tried telling him to use up one of his sick days that he’s gotta take before March. He said he wanted to finish the week off, and being that tomorrow is his day off, I said okay. Alfie came over while The Boyfriend was napping, and I reamed him out for not being more of a help with the kids.

This morning, I was listing off all the phone calls I had to make, and all the running around I had to do. I was telling the room basically, not any particular person, that I was overwhelmed by all this stuff. So Alfie one ups it, and adds in “Don’t forgot you gotta RSVP for Kaeidyn to go to that birthday party”, which I had forgotten. But it pissed me off to no end. He walks Kaeidyn to school everyday and sees the birthday party Mom. He brought the invitation home and saw me hang it up on the bulletin board. It never once occurred to him that he could pick up the phone and RSVP. Or that he could take Keirnan to the doctor to get a prescription. Or that he could call and make an optometrist appointment for Kaeidyn. I told him, I need more help. He says I need to ask. I say, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to be a Dad. I shouldn’t have to ask you to be responsible for your kids!” It makes me angry when people try to pass the buck like that.

He went home looking like he was about to cry, and I fought off the guilt monster with a vengance. I hate that I feel like I owe so much to him, when in reality, it’s the other way around. I hate that I feel like I need to take care of him, when he’s older than me (and not in ill health). I hate that he can make me feel guilty when there is no reason for me to be guilty. I hate that we’ve been apart for over a year and a half now, and I still feel so much obligation towards him.

I am so lucky, that somehow, The Boyfriend understands this feeling of obligation and debt towards Alfie that I have. Maybe no understands, but doesn’t tell me how to control that aspect of my life. He voices his opinions and gives me the opportunity to make the right choice. I worry all the time that one day, that patience will wear thin. That our love won’t last through all this crap. He used to say that he felt like a pawn, just being moved here and there, to whatever position was convenient at the time. I hope he doesn’t feel like that even now. I told him when we started implementing boundaries with Alfie, that we would have to take it slow, not just for Alfie’s sake, but also for mine. I hope he realizes that I am making changes, even though it seems to be taking forever.

I keep saying I want to move far far away from here. I’m sick of Red Deer. I’m sick of being close to so much drama. Between English and American, Alfie and Mama T, it seems like so much. Sometimes, too much. I’m jealous of my sister, who lives 4 or 5 hours away. The only family she has living near her are her fiance’s uncle and aunt. Plus, she’s been happily together with the father of her kids for 8 1/2 years! I wish I could have that little drama in my life. The Boyfriend’s been entertaining the idea along with me. It’s fun to dream.

So I officially completed NaBloPoMo. It was incredibly easy for me to write a post everyday for an entire month. Only a few times was I not feeling it. Otherwise, it felt really good. I got alot of positive feedback (from the few readers I do have), got tons of spam (Ugh!), and even felt creative enough to write a new song AND do a whole month of posts for WTMFI Wednesdays, which starts this Wednesday! Plus, I’ve still got over 100 more questions for next month. I’m so excited to start, and I can’t wait to read the answers from my first participant. Will it be you?

Tomorrow, it’s more phone calls for me. And hopefully my sketchiness will be under control enough that I’ll get some serious sleep in. Well folks, I think that’s all I have to say for tonight….