Updates in Pain

Posted: July 11, 2010 in Valerie Rayne

I hate that the doctor never called me back saying that I needed to go for more tests. If this pain isn’t something that they can find in my blood or can’t find on x-rays, than I want to know what the heck it is. I know that my rather sedentary lifestyle could be the main cause of it, but I’m seriously getting sick of it all. Still bleeding after nine months, and still (after complaining every time I go to get my depo prescription filled) all this damn body pain.

Work is the worst for this pain. And surprisingly, I do fine during work. It’s once I get home and I can put my feet up. And then it feels like my entire leg swells up to ten times it’s normal size (even though I don’t think it visibly swells at all), and I spend the rest of my time home, limping around and trying not to burst out into tears because of the searing pain in my legs!!

I’ve been trying to stretch a little everyday. Though after I flex my feet more than three times, it feels the same way in my ankles as it does in my hands after I’ve just played three power chord only songs. I hate that I’m supposed to be this young, vibrant, nubile 23-year-old and instead I feel like I’m an old, arthritic, dying 98-year-old. I feel unhealthy.

I’ve been doing tons of research on health and nutrition and fitness these last few days, all with this great big goal (which I don’t think I’m ever going to accomplish) of becoming healthy. It just feels like it’s so far out of my reach. The hardest part for me is the pain. I’m pretty sure I have a pretty high pain threshold, I mean I did have three vaginal births and haven’t completely hated it, and I’m still convinced I could’ve handled much worse contractions (Kaeidyn is the exception).

I’d love to feel the burn of a great workout, but I don’t think that’s how it would be at all. I’d just feel throbbing, swelling pain all throughout my body, and I’d curl up on the couch to try to stop the pain, and it just wouldn’t go away. And there’d be no way I’d be motivated to do it all again the next day!

I keep reading about the need to set goals, and I just think I suck so hard at setting goals. Not even truly that really. The hardest part for me is the steps to get there. I feel like so much of it is just obvious, that I shouldn’t need to write it down, and then I don’t, and then later I realize that I should have. Plus, so many of my goals overlap one another, that it makes it incredibly hard.

For instance, I want to cook healthier meals. To do that would mean that I would have to:

a) Learn about what healthy really means – hours of sitting on the computer, not getting me any closer to my goals

b) Really clean my kitchen – Sure I’d burn tons of calories, but again motivation to do this particular job is at an absolute minimum, next only to folding the pile of laundry at the foot end of my bed!

c) Actually get up and cook – This one’s not so hard. I do cook most nights or days. The Boyfriend and I will sometimes switch meals or days/nights. It all depends. But I’m also known for wanting to cook the easiest thing physically possible. The least amount of dishes, the least amount of time, the least amount of thought.

One goal needs to incorporate about 15 other goals, and all these goals and no progress is getting overwhelming. Like maybe I’m over complicating things to a large degree.

Not much has been going on with the kids lately, and if it has, it’s all been when I’m at work. Kaeidyn, Kenzie and Keirnan are at that stage where they do everything together. They all wake up at about the same time everyday, then they play in their rooms together until they finally decide they’re hungry (I’d wake up with them, but they are quiet and don’t tell me they are awake. The safety gate gets put up so that they can’t come upstairs until they wake me up), and then they all eat together. At about the same time, they all get bored and start asking if they can go outside. The all eat together and then they all go to bed together (Kaeidyn still gets out of bed for the next two hours to tell you random things or ask questions about tomorrow, which she gets a speedy reply of, “Let’s talk about tomorrow, tomorrow!).

Carter’s been his normal on-the-move self. He’s changed his sleeping schedule, so we’re attempting to adjust to that. He’s eating alot more solid foods, stealing food off our plates at dinner, and yesterday he ate a full jar of baby food, and probably would’ve ate more if we would’ve let him.

Other than all that, it’s been a pretty boring household these last couple of weeks. I finally got the counter that I’ve been saying I was going to clean for a long time done. I even managed to clean the living room, including a vacuum. Now I just gotta get up the energy to do up the rest of the house! I’m hoping to start working on creating a routine to start getting this stuff done. So that’s that…


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