Image Issues

Posted: June 16, 2010 in Fitness, Health, Nutrition, Relationship, The Boyfriend, Valerie Rayne

These past few days, I seem to be thinking about insecurities and body image issues alot. It’s almost constantly on my mind. Partially because I’m currently suffering from “I hate my body”-itis.

I’ve spent the better majority of my life in that predicament. With very rare swings into, “Damn girl, you fine!” moments. Like the first time I went to the bar and got my hair put up in ringlets. I was wearing these sexy pants that I had bought on layaway when I got my first job. And it was right after Kaeidyn was born, so I was satisfied with my boobs for the first time in my life. That was the first time I ever really remember having one of those “Damn girl, you fine!” moments. I wish I felt like that more often…

Lately though, I’ve just been feeling like a fat, lazy slob. Even though that’s not 100% really what it’s like, but it’s what I feel like. I tend to compare myself to other women, maybe a little too much sometimes. The whole thing is just so weird and hard for me to understand.

I have a very realistic view of what my body looks like. You know that show, How to Look Good Naked, where they line a bunch of girls up and you’re supposed to pick where you belong in the line, based on your weight or hip size or bust size? I think if I were to be put in that situation, I would pick out exactly where I belong. And even though, in my head, I know that I’m in an extremely healthy weight range for my height and that I’m still below average for most Canadian women my age, and that for having four kids my body is damn amazing, for some reason I’m constantly plagued by this stupid “I hate my body”-itis.

I keep telling myself almost every single day that I need to start working out. That if I start eating better and exercising, I’d have a chance at losing this baby belly. And everyday I fail. It gets devastating to never get a compliment, and only hear things like, “Wow Val, you’re tummy looks big” or “hmm, you sure you’re not pregnant?” For all I know, the weight gain could all be because of the depo, and all the exercise in the world isn’t going to get rid of the effects of the hormones.

I’ve even been attempting to seek out compliments from The Boyfriend, which rarely ever happens. I normally don’t want to know what he’s really thinking about my body, because I fear that it would be something horrible. After the previous foot-in-mouth comments, I tread very lightly when searching for compliments.

We’re walking through the mall today and I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I say something like, “I may not be beautiful, but at least I have brains!”, to which he just snickers at. I wish men took it upon themselves more to boost our confidence as much as we boost theirs.

I don’t know how many times in a day I say something that’s gotta make him feel good about his body. I know if someone was saying or doing the same things to me, I’d probably feel better about mine. He takes off his shirt and I will stare adoringly. He wears a sexy shirt and I go off about how great it looks. Cuts his hair, I run my fingers through it going off about how sexy he looks. All these things, and I get a chuckle when I say I’m not beautiful!!!

Why doesn’t it occur to most regular guys (especially in my age bracket) to say nicer things, especially when they are aware of a faltering confidence level? Why can’t I find that guy who doesn’t mind and isn’t annoyed by having to convince me that he thinks I’m beautiful or sexy? I know that I make it hard for him, when I’m rolling my eyes or pfft-ing him. But it would just be nice to not need to beg for a compliment. Or if it’s that hard for him to say, “Val, you look truly amazing. I love blah blah blah part of your body. I wish you’d show me your body more.”, then I wish he’d tell me why. For all I know, he just sees what I feel.

I hate that I almost rely on a guy to tell me I’m beautiful and that I just don’t feel it. I hate that I depend on his compliments to boost my confidence. And I hate even more that I have to ask for it to get it… And I hate that all the bitching in the world isn’t going to change a single thing…

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Comments
  1. B says:

    To be honest, I hate my body too, and I have so many things I would love to do to my body, but sometimes I just can’t be fucked doing them.

    The thing is, don’t rely on us guys, some people say that women are the shallow ones, but I also wonder if there are men out who are just as shallow, if not more shallow than women.

    Chin up babe!!

    • I definitely think guys are much more shallow than women, or at least all the guys/girls I know. I think it should be a mission for every man whose heterosexual to learn how to really make a woman feel amazing.

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