I don’t know why, but today all I seem to be thinking about is how much I need to get a life outside of my house and my kids. I’ve felt nothing but this incredible amount of sadness over how isolated I’ve become. Not that I’ve ever really been one to go out and do stuff and hang out with people and have friends, but I’m sure starting to despise being stuck in the house all day, everyday. And when I do leave the house, it’s not for me. It’s to get food for the kids, or rent money from the bank or to pick Kaeidyn up from school.

What does everyone else think about when they do the dishes? What is the most common thought a stay-at-home mom has when she’s doing her daily cleaning? For me, every time I start to clean (which almost automatically makes me mad, because I’m all like, “Didn’t I JUST do this?!?!?”), I just start thinking about all the choices I made that got me to where I am today.

This morning, I was doing some research on what it would take to become a sexologist or sex therapist, my ultimate dream jobs. And almost as soon as I found the answer, the entire dream bubble was completely popped. I just kept thinking, if I didn’t make all those choices I made, it could possibly happen.

I’ve been in a horrible funk since last night, and I just don’t see it changing. I feel incredibly angry at myself. Will I never learn? I hate that I know, logically know, how to change my life. How to get my house clean and start feeling better about myself, especially as a parent. How to complete one thing, instead of starting a whole bunch of things that never get finished. I know how to do these things. And it makes me angry at myself that, while I know the solutions to all the things that I currently hate about this life, I just keep doing the things that I hate. Dating the kind of people I hate. Letting my house get to this state where I hate it.

Today, Kaeidyn goes and asks The Boyfriend, as he’s getting ready to go over to his friends’ house, “You have friends?” and he says, “I’ve got a bunch of friends, but I only hang out with one of them.” He kind of scoffs, “That’s pathetic.”, and I literally said, “Hey, at least you have even one friend!” He’s all like, “You have me Babe!”

And yes, I have him and I have Alfie for “friends”, though I don’t think you can ever count your babies daddies as friends. Alfie would’ve ditched and stopped talking to me years ago, if we didn’t have kids together. We really have nothing in common, we have completely different values, and if I didn’t have kids with him, I probably wouldn’t put up with him. Even The Boyfriend is more of a buddy than a friend.

I can’t seriously talk to him about my interests, because no one seems to take sexuality seriously, and he doesn’t know anything more than, “I like this song” about music. When I do have things that I would talk to a friend about, like my Boyfriend, I don’t want to talk to The Boyfriend about it, because I’m so scared of becoming that irrational, over-emotional, jealous psycho bitch, that I was once known as.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at really. I need to get a job or go back to school or something. Something outside of my life as a stay-at-home mom. Even a freaking date night would help. I’m so sick of doing the same thing every single day, and nothing except for maybe finances changing, or a dish didn’t get dirty. It’s just this vicious circle and I’m so tired of it. I don’t know how women with a lot of kids stand it. How do you get passed this isolated feeling?

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